Weight Loss Support - Random Memory of Being a Fat Kid




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KLK
06-14-2008, 01:12 AM
So... I'm posting this to share more than anything else... I had a really random memory return to me all of a sudden today. I have NO IDEA what brought this long-forgotten incident to mind, but...

I think I must have been around 4 years old at the time, or at least too young to be in school yet. My parents would often bring me to this lake about 45 mins from our house during the summer, because I loved loved loved to swim. From as early as I can remember, I was always a little on the pudgy side when compared with other girls my age, but at the time I don't think I was all that concerned with how I looked in a bathing suit. And I wasn't SO fat that I was an oddity or anything -- I just looked plumper than the other kids.

Anyway, this one day we went up to the lake and during our time there, I made friends with another girl around my age, though I think she could have been a year or two older. We played throughout the day and I was having a pretty good time. Then at one point, I left the girl for a little bit to eat something with my parents and after I ate, i went to find my new friend. I found her and went up to see if she wanted to go swimming again and she turned to me and said: "I don't want to play with you anymore; you're fat."

... :( on my goodness. I can't BELIEVE that happened to my little 4-year-old self! Now that I remember it, I remember it like yesterday; I felt DEVESTATED and as silly as it might sound, I had that same feeling of devestation yesterday when this incident came back to me.

I know kids could be cruel and blah blah but my goodness... what a terrible memory. We were having fun all day; all of a sudden I was a piece of crappola bc I was "fat"? I know that at some point when I was around that age, I began considering myself a hideous beast (and I've felt that way ever since). I wonder whether this incident had anything to do with that?

Not to open old scars, but maybe it's good to share these kinds of incidents. A lot of times, esp. in my own experiences, I tried to forget about the incident as soon as possible, whenever something like that happened, eating myself into oblivion and assuming the awful comment was CORRECT and that I DESERVED to feel so low. Maybe sharing these kinds of experiences is a good thing? Anyone have any such stories they're willing to share?

I have a few, but I digress... this was one I really had forgotten.


GradPhase
06-14-2008, 01:22 AM
Awwwww, bless. :hug:


I don't have a story like that to share.. But I do remember a very specific memory when I couldn't have been any more than two and a half years old. Certainly under 3, because we still lived in a particular place at the time... anyway..

I had this day care I would go to at a lady's house, and when it was time to put on winter coats there was something the other kids would do with the lady running the stuff where they would like... hold on to her hands, climb up her legs, and do a flip in to their coats. And they'd laugh and laugh and laugh, and have a great time. She'd always try to get me to do it too, and I used to tell her that I couldn't, because I was too fat and I'd hurt her.

I was a two year old with low self esteem and terrible self image, and it never really got better. I wasn't an over weight child by any means. But I've ALWAYS maintained that thought process when it comes to wrestling around with friends, or laying with my boyfriend. "I can't do that. I'm too fat, and I'll hurt you." It absolutely breaks my heart. I wish so badly I could hug my little two year old self and tell me that it wasn't true - so maybe I could have saved myself the last 17 years of the same self image.

I can't for the life of me figure out why I felt SO fat at such a YOUNG age. If I remember correctly, my mom was on a grapefruit diet around that age (I remember her always eating grape fruit, so I assume that's what it was, because she's never eaten it since then), so I can only assume I heard her say SHE was fat, and I adapted it to my toddler self.

But my poor poor little Eski self. I'd cuddle her if I could.

Watch what you say, moms. Kids listen.

Starrynight
06-14-2008, 01:30 AM
Yeah, stuff that happens as a kid really affects you.. That's a pretty weird situation, kids can be mean when they want to.

I was also a lil pudgy as a kid.. looking at my old pictures though, I THOUGHT I was bigger than I was. The problem was I also grew fast, so I was always one of the tallest.. until middle school, which was around the time I averaged out. I also started growing boobs in 3rd grade and got my period in the summer before 4th grade.. so as a kid.. I was very insecure, not to mention VERY busy parents who fought constantly.. and my older brother is autistic too, so my mom spent a lot of time trying to fight the schools to get him into good programs. It REALLY affected me, especially my self-esteem. Also.. my mom wasn't very secure, and used to tell me about all her problems too. It did make me stronger though, and more perceptive of other people. Still, I had incredible self-esteem issues growing up..

Anyway.. I remember that my mom was scared about me being big when I got older, but I guess she didn't know how to really deal with it? My dad had/has a bad case of diabetes and so does my whole family, she was scared I would get it too I guess, so I can understand.
I have a lot of bad memories though of feeling terrible about how I looked because my mom would yell at me to exercise or do sit ups or something and at like 6 - 9 years.. it really hurt. I started to see myself a lot more differently.. I already thought I was ugly and tall, and on top of that I felt fat.

Then I have this other memory which I'll always remember.. I was around 6ish at the time. My mom had a clothing business and she and my dad were always busy. My dad would pick me and my brother up from school and we'd go into the office and eat n play video games or watch tv. Anyway I remember there was this one worker who had seemed nice when I met her, but I remember that she got into an argument with my mom about money, she thought she worked more hours but my mom had it written down and well you can guess the rest..
So when they got to the office, I turned around to this lady.. who herself was really big.. and when she looked at me she goes "..and your daughter is fat!"
That was really painful.. especially coming from an adult, someone I thought was nice enough.
People can be cruel, from the time they are kids to when they are adults.. even though I was hurt, when I got older, I realized how insecure, rude, and ignorant that adult was and it wasn't worth still feeling hurt over.

Wow this really felt good to let out. Thanks for this thread. I haven't really thought about all this in a while but I'm in such a different and positive place right now that I feel.. indifferent about it all..


GradPhase
06-14-2008, 01:42 AM
Starrynight, I can absolutely relate with SO much of your post from your family dynamics blurb. Only it was my older brother instead of a younger brother. Crazy...

I went through puberty at a very young age as well. (Had to start wearing a bra in second grade, first period half way into forth grade), and I think that has a TON to do with self esteem issues through your teen years too. I was certainly curvier and larger than all of my friends. I felt like a giant. A big, masculine, giant - even though I was actually at an extremely normal weight.

When I was ten my grandmother put me on my first diet, at 5'2 and 110 lbs. I always just thought of it as her being a b*tch, instead of me actually needing to lose weight - but thinking about all of that stuff, it's no wonder I comfort eat and have lower than average self esteem.

Great thread. It's starting to explain a lot.

Starrynight
06-14-2008, 02:04 AM
Starrynight, I can absolutely relate with SO much of your post from your family dynamics blurb. Only it was my older brother instead of a younger brother. Crazy...

I went through puberty at a very young age as well. (Had to start wearing a bra in second grade, first period half way into forth grade), and I think that has a TON to do with self esteem issues through your teen years too. I was certainly curvier and larger than all of my friends. I felt like a giant. A big, masculine, giant - even though I was actually at an extremely normal weight.

When I was ten my grandmother put me on my first diet, at 5'2 and 110 lbs. I always just thought of it as her being a b*tch, instead of me actually needing to lose weight - but thinking about all of that stuff, it's no wonder I comfort eat and have lower than average self esteem.

Great thread. It's starting to explain a lot.
Wow, really? You have an autistic brother?
Yeaah! I was always curvier.. I looked much older than I was. At 11 or 12, people thought I was 15/16. I wasn't at a terrible weight either, but as my body image became worse, I started to gain around 10 lbs every year and stopped growing. I remember stepping on the scale as a kid, being 125, and crying my eyes out because everyone else was a lot smaller. At the height I was at, it was actually fine, if I could maintain it or gain very steadily.. instead I gained 10 lbs every year and by 16 I was at 192. My mom also would tell me to eat less or she would, at random moments, give me that "look". Or in a sympathetic, regretful tone say "How'd you get so big?" Or something like that..
A big part of me being able to lose weight is being able to let go of the past.. working on my weight has made me realize I can't waste my life blaming the past, if I want to be a certain way, I've gotta do it myself.

:hug: For reading!

JasonsLea
06-14-2008, 06:05 AM
God, I have a crapload of horrific memories from my childhood, weightwise and other.

I've always been a loner, a geek, an outsider. When I was five, I had a problem with my race. Outside people (no one in my family) always taunted me for the way I spoke (Why you speak so proper? You trying to be white?), my red skin ( I KNEW you weren't black! Only Indians got skin like that.), the music I liked, etc. I wanted to be white so I won't be such a freak (like the girl in Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye). Thankfully, I got over that quick. I didn't start gaining weight till I was eight (when my stepfather came in the picture). His actions and his words totally warped me, I became a hermit, withdrew within myself and I have yet to really come out. The start of your school career is like the worse time to become repressed and it destroyed me. Yes kids can be cruel, especially ones in a bad area, and I was always the target. Though I try not to think about it, all my memories are still fresh in my head, like they happened an hour ago. :(

KLK
06-14-2008, 09:52 AM
I'm glad people are finding this thread useful -- I was a bit hesitant to create it, but I figure there must be others who've been holding onto terrible "fat kid" stories they want to expel. Being the fat kid... it's not so long ago that I was a child (I'm only 24 now), but I was the *only* really overweight kid in my class in grammar school, so I was the only one to carry the stigma.

I also began developing early, though I didn't get my period until the summer before 6th grade but until middle school, I was ALWAYS one of the tallest kids in the class; to this day, even though I'm only 5'4", I still consider myself a BIG person. 6th - 8th grades were TERRIBLE; while all the other girls got attention from the boys in our class, they ignored me. I shadowed the pretty, popular girls; we got along, but I was so jealous of them and I'm SURE they thought I was gross. I was the fat blob who got good grades and was nice enough, but since i never did "girl things" like apply make-up and get crushes on boys (I didn't feel there was a point to doing that, since I was so hideous anyway), i couldnt really relate to them. I also had an operation in 4th grade on my left leg, which kept me immobile for a year and a half (I could walk, but I couldn't play sports, run or anything like that: dr's orders) and I think by 6th grade, I'd really "ballooned up" beyond chubby and into the realm of "obese." By 8th grade I was 215lbs and by Jr year of high school, I was well into the 240's; by senior year, I was into the 260's (though high school was A LOT better than grammar school/middle school for me).

When I was at my heaviest and ventured out to walk to the store, it happened like 5 or 6 times that a car full of guys would drive by and yell "FAT!!!!" (or something like that) at me. I have no idea who those guys were, but for the longest time I fantasized about finding out the license plate number of that car, tracking where at least one of them lived, and trashing that car (fantasies like that got me through such episodes). I haven't seen those guys since I lost most of the weight, but each time that happened, it made me feel like a side-show attraction (like they're yelling and throwing peanuts at the freak in the tent).

I have to say, one of the most gratifying things to have happened lately: a still live in the neighborhood where I grew up and I met one of my grammar school friends recently, who also still lives here, though we don't see each other so often. He was always pretty nice, to me and to everyone, but like all the other boys, he was totally enraptured by the thin girls (everyone but me). So we started talking and I could tell he kind of liked me by how he was looking at me and what he was saying and... he asked me out! I'm engaged so of course i said no, but that was kind of cool lol.

KLK
06-14-2008, 10:08 AM
Oh goodness, absolutely -- I was recently watching a show (maybe it was Oprah?) that was discussing the mother-daughter self-image connection. Basically, mothers often pass their own self-image off to their daughters. If a mother thinks she fat, ugly, too big, whatever, there is a very good chance her daughter will adopt those same feelings about herself. So yes, it is SUPER important for mothers to shield their children from their own negative self-image as much as possible.

*MY* mother has always been a bit heavy, but she has GOBS of self-esteem, has rarely dieted seriously, and considers herself beautiful. She is/was ALWAYS telling me how beautiful I am/were but at some point I guess I decided the positive things she was saying about me were ridiculous lies.


Awwwww, bless. :hug:


I don't have a story like that to share.. But I do remember a very specific memory when I couldn't have been any more than two and a half years old. Certainly under 3, because we still lived in a particular place at the time... anyway..

I had this day care I would go to at a lady's house, and when it was time to put on winter coats there was something the other kids would do with the lady running the stuff where they would like... hold on to her hands, climb up her legs, and do a flip in to their coats. And they'd laugh and laugh and laugh, and have a great time. She'd always try to get me to do it too, and I used to tell her that I couldn't, because I was too fat and I'd hurt her.

I was a two year old with low self esteem and terrible self image, and it never really got better. I wasn't an over weight child by any means. But I've ALWAYS maintained that thought process when it comes to wrestling around with friends, or laying with my boyfriend. "I can't do that. I'm too fat, and I'll hurt you." It absolutely breaks my heart. I wish so badly I could hug my little two year old self and tell me that it wasn't true - so maybe I could have saved myself the last 17 years of the same self image.

I can't for the life of me figure out why I felt SO fat at such a YOUNG age. If I remember correctly, my mom was on a grapefruit diet around that age (I remember her always eating grape fruit, so I assume that's what it was, because she's never eaten it since then), so I can only assume I heard her say SHE was fat, and I adapted it to my toddler self.

But my poor poor little Eski self. I'd cuddle her if I could.

Watch what you say, moms. Kids listen.

KLK
06-14-2008, 10:11 AM
:o :hug: Oh my goodness, how terrible! What did your mom say/do to that woman? She should have been physically ejected from the office...


Then I have this other memory which I'll always remember.. I was around 6ish at the time. My mom had a clothing business and she and my dad were always busy. My dad would pick me and my brother up from school and we'd go into the office and eat n play video games or watch tv. Anyway I remember there was this one worker who had seemed nice when I met her, but I remember that she got into an argument with my mom about money, she thought she worked more hours but my mom had it written down and well you can guess the rest..
So when they got to the office, I turned around to this lady.. who herself was really big.. and when she looked at me she goes "..and your daughter is fat!"
That was really painful.. especially coming from an adult, someone I thought was nice enough.
People can be cruel, from the time they are kids to when they are adults.. even though I was hurt, when I got older, I realized how insecure, rude, and ignorant that adult was and it wasn't worth still feeling hurt over.

Wow this really felt good to let out. Thanks for this thread. I haven't really thought about all this in a while but I'm in such a different and positive place right now that I feel.. indifferent about it all..

GradPhase
06-14-2008, 12:32 PM
Way to go KLK on turning that guy down! I mean, of course, you're engaged so you did it for obvious reasons - but it had to have felt so good! Woo!

JasonsLea --- If you've ever seen the movie Hope Floats with Sanda Bullock there's a line where she says


Childhood is the thing you spend the rest of your life trying to over come.



And it's so sad because it's so true. But I have faith in us ;)



And Starrynight - Yep, my brother has Aspergers. It's not as difficult to handle as other forms, but it lead to many physically violent memories and scars from when I was little. He's very, very smart, but my mom was still always in an on-going battle with the school systems because teachers didn't know how to deal with him and his shy/awkwardness - so when he came home all the frustration came out on little sister, baby Eski, lol. That's part of the reason I've chosen to go to Utah for the rest of the summer, instead of staying here.

Sweetcaroline
06-14-2008, 03:30 PM
I can relate to everyone's stories... I posted this awhile ago. It was a bit a breakthrough for me, as I was unknowingly allowing my past effect my journey today ... perhaps my story will help someone else... :hug:

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142972&highlight=forgiveness

Starrynight
06-15-2008, 02:11 AM
And Starrynight - Yep, my brother has Aspergers. It's not as difficult to handle as other forms, but it lead to many physically violent memories and scars from when I was little. He's very, very smart, but my mom was still always in an on-going battle with the school systems because teachers didn't know how to deal with him and his shy/awkwardness - so when he came home all the frustration came out on little sister, baby Eski, lol. That's part of the reason I've chosen to go to Utah for the rest of the summer, instead of staying here.

That sounds pretty tough. Was he intelligent in particular fields? Yeah my brother has Asperger's syndrome too and also levels of mental ******ation. He has the mind of a 7 year old and I always had to be the "big" sister although he was older.. Yeah the school systems have just begun to understand the uniqueness of autistic people.
My brother is in a group home right now though, it was a lot for us to handle him, all the tantrums and stuff but we visit him a lot and bring him home a lot.
------

KLK - I don't really remember what my mom said but I just remember her being angry already and retorting with something.