20-Somethings - New here-parent problems...
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I've been having some problems and I figured I'd try to talk to people who might actually understand, since most (all) of my friends are ridiculously skinny with high metabalisms. I've been trying to lose weight since the beginning of last summer. I've had some success, but haven't been all that good at sticking to my plan. I still try to eat less and such though, I avoid the vending machines and joined a sports club at my college. I really want to lose this weight the healthy way and I intend to get back on track when school ends. I never seem to get proper nutrition when I diet with the cafetiria.
My main problem is with my mom. Like I said I really want to lose this weight the healthy way but she doesn't seem to want me to do it my way. She went and talked to my doctor without my permission and got her to prescribe me some weight loss medication. I think its called phen. I've always been really sketchy about the idea of using pills to lose weight and I wanted to just do it with diet and exercise. I've been having success so I really don't want to take the pills, but am going to be home for the summer and I won't be given a choice. The other thing is that while my mom says she wants me to lose weight every chance she gets, she really doesn't act that way. She's always telling me how she won't buy me healthy food because its too expensive to buy me separate food and I should just eat hamburgers with the rest of the family. I offer to buy my own but she tells me I can't because I need to keep the money for school. I have found ways around this but its a constant battle and I always feel really selfish.
I have spoken to my mom about this. Other people have even spoken to her about it when they see how she acts when I try to eat healthy. I just need some help finding a new way to approach this. I feel like crap about how I look but according to my mom I'm beautiful and don't need to change. The way I feel is that if I don't like how I look I should be allowed to change it. Its not just the weight loss. Any time I try to buy clothing other than jeans and mens t-shirts my mom will point it out and make me feel like a whore for wanting to look nice. I really don't want to fight over this, I just want to figure out a way to talk to her where she'll begin to respect my feelings and not try to control what I eat. I can pay for it myself. I don't need her to do anything but leave me be. I just always feel really degraded when I try to diet and I need some help.
05-21-2008, 08:41 PM
It sounds like she's threatened (although she probably doesn't realise it) by the idea of you changing, and she's trying to exert some control over it (whether she realises it or not).
You're being very sensible with your approach, imho, and when she's given you the excuse of expense, you've tried to address that constructively - but I don't think the reason really IS the expense. She has an idea of who you are and how you look, and of how your relationship with her works, and of how SHE defines HERSELF in relation to being your mother. With you taking the initiative to change yourself, and taking responsibility for this, it's threatening her sense of herself as well of her relationship with you. By trying to force the medication on you rather than letting you eat healthily, she's trying to take control of how and if you change yourself - trying to make herself important in it, and keep you in your place as the child.
I don't know what to suggest, exactly, but you definitely have my sympathy. Remember - it's YOUR life. Ultimately, nobody, including your mother, can control what you put in your mouth. She's making it difficult as ****, but you DO still have the power here, you DO still have the ability to do this, in spite of whatever obstacles she's throwing your way. It sounds like you and other people have already told her about how she needs to support you, and how she is instead sabotaging you - if you're not getting through I'm not sure what to suggest. Is there any chance you could NOT go home for the summer? Anywhere else you could go? Volunteer with a project somewhere, get a job, something?
Hey there -- welcome and congrats on what you've lost so far!
Parents can be so impossible and although of course your mom loves you and wants what's best for you, but it seems like she isn't really prepared to give you genuine support in this.
If I were you, I would tell her two things straight away: 1. I'm not taking diet pills. 2. Don't call me a "whore"; just because she's the mother doesn't mean she doesn't have to respect her child and no one should call you that or make you feel like you're a whore. Beyond that, I'm not sure what you've said so far to her, but maybe just tell her that you're working hard to lose weight and you've had some success so far and as much as you appreciate her help, you would rather do this alone, at least for now.
If I may, how old are you? I'm 24, so we might be pretty close in age. If you want to talk, please PM me.
05-21-2008, 08:45 PM
I suggest one last talk where *you* do all the talking.
Tell her that your weight, your eating habits and your
clothing choices are OFF LIMITS. If she brings them
up you will get up and leave the room and that is
that. NO MORE. Tell her that her relationship with you
is in danger of being permanently damaged and don't
let her manipulate or guilt you into anything else.
She needs to start treating you as she would any
other adult friend (hopefully she is decent to them).
I am the mother of adult children (23, 23 and 19) and I've been through
what you've been through with my parents. The best
gift I give my children is the gift of treating them as I would any
other adult. If my adult friends ask for advice I will give them my
best shot but that's it. I never nag them, belittle them, judge their
choices. I support them and love them unconditionally. Same with
my adult children.
Good luck :hug:
05-21-2008, 08:50 PM
No you don't need drugs to lose weight! Look up that medication and show your mother the side effects. Hopefully that alone will convince her. Besides, using pills isn't a life long change and the weight will most likely come back on. And you DONT want that to happen. She cannot force you to take a pill. And she shouldn't make you feel guilty because you want to be healthy, instead of a quick fix with a medication. Have her read this post after everyone posts!
Maybe talking to her and having others talk just won't cut it. Some people just dont get it sometimes. Maybe you need to flat out tell her if she doesn't start buying some healthy foods (and with this you may have to show her how cheap produce can be and show her you'll eat it and not let the food rot on the counter) that you'll go buy your own, even if that means less spending money during the school year etc. She may need that ultimatum.
If you HAVE to eat supper with your family and it's less than healthy, then eat a smaller portion. You're not banned from junk food forever. Just make sure your breakfast and lunch are healthier.
I'm curious to see what other people say!
Your mother really cares about you, I just don't think she understands what you need. So take it into your own hands! You can do it!
05-22-2008, 03:00 PM
I don't think parents always know best, but they usually mean well. I have a very protective mother and the only solution I've found was just not to tell her what she would freak out about. It is only a short term solution, but IMO it's better than arguing.
05-22-2008, 03:42 PM
I agree with what has been said so far; I also want to add that it might help to get a third party involved. Set your foot down, and tell her what you want to do/how you feel at a meeting with your doctor or someone else who can mediate the situation.
I hope you can make her understand how you feel, but in the end, no matter what you do, you may not be able to get through to her. Some people just will not change, even though they are presented with reasonable information. You do not need her permission to live a healthy lifestyle, however; if you commit yourself to working out and eating a healthier diet, I am 100% sure you can meet your goal on your own!
Also, once you get started, your mom might see that you really are able to do this substance-free. Nevertheless, remember that this is about YOU, not her - it's your life, do what you want!
Thank you all so much for your responses. I think I may try to get my doctor to mediate. I need to talk to her anyway about some other issues so if I ask her about it I may be able to get her help in talking to my mom, at least about the medication. The other things I will probably confront her about by myself just because I generally feel that bringing in outside parties, even if they mean well, only results in more drama. I have tried before but it always turns into an argument. This time I'm going to try to prepare myself for some of the mean things she says and not lose my temper. I want to maintain a good relationship with my mom so I'll give it one last try and if it fails I will just have to distance her from my life for a little while, at least until the weight becomes less of an issue. You guys have made me see it from a bit of a different perspective as I never thought about my weight loss or my clothing choices as changing the way I would appear to others. Its always been more about myself and my health. (the way I figure it if you don't like me fat you liking me thin doesn't mean much) I suppose the idea of me changing could be kind of sketchy to my parents. Maintaining a good relationship with my family is really important to me so I'm going to try my best not to turn this into any huge family drama, even though its kind of important to me.