General chatter - Advice Please!!
05-19-2008, 10:59 PM
I miss my husband like crazy!!! I'm really depressed, and starting to have panic attacks again.
Well..we just got our government money (yay)..and I'm gonna go to the bank tomorrow. Anyways..all this means I have enough money to go visit him the next time they pull into port. However..the next time they pull in. They'll probably spend a day and a half in port. Should I do this?? I'm so confused on what to do!!
05-19-2008, 11:09 PM
Francie, I'm concerned. Let me be frank. I'm not going to address your actual question so much as what I've seen you post lately. I realize that this is a particularly difficult month for you. You've been missing your mother recently, and your husband is away for the time being. But, I haven't seen you mention that you're talking to anyone in person about these things. A friend? A counselor? You mention being depressed and having frequent panic attacks. These things wreak havoc to a body and mind. There might even be a group near you for wives & husbands who are dealing with their significant other being stationed away from them. As a Navy wife, you're going to have to learn to deal with long absences. The depression, the anxiety, lack of sleep... if you don't deal with these things now... I'm concerned about how the future may be for you.
05-19-2008, 11:22 PM
I know what you're saying..I've been a Navy wife for 3 years and a girlfriend for a year before I was married. I've been through 2 deployments and many many many months of separation. I never had a problem with the separations before because I always had my mom. Now, let me explain something about me. I was an only child, and I clung to my mom all the time. I experienced separation anxiety everytime I went to a sleepover. After I was married and moved away..I started clinging to my dh. When he started going out on workups late 2005, I was perfectly fine. No depression, no anxiety. It wasnt until my mom passed away that all this stuff started happening. I'm terribly afraid of losing him too.
I dont see anyone, because I'm not ready. I went one time, and it was so pointless. He did nothing but point out the obvious to me. "You're depressed because your mother died" Well duh. It was a very traumatic experience, nobody understands what I had to go through. I dont think some medical professional who wasnt even there will understand either. I do not trust because of how wrong they were about my mother. I dont even trust my own doctor. Maybe thats why I'm not ready to see someone. My husband and certain friends who were there with me, understand. My friends comfort me..as well as my hubby. I turn to them all the time.
I have my good days, and I have my bad days. Right now I just really need my husband because he wasnt there for me around this time last year. It was very painful..and I'm hurting so much. To be honest, I want my mom more than I want him. But seeing him and have him hold me for a night will bring me the comfort that I really need.
And you know what..he wants to see me too. It was his idea for me to go visit him. He misses and needs me just as much as I need him. So what does that say about him?
05-19-2008, 11:29 PM
I went one time, and it was so pointless.
One time *is* pointless. Therapy isn't an instant fix. It takes time and many visits and much introspection. And yes, it's often painful to have the obvious pointed out to you. But sometimes you gotta have the obvious pointed out to move past it and figure out how to resolve the not so obvious.
I agree with Faerie ... you need outside support. I was a military wife and a cops wife. You cannot make your husband the be-all and end-all ... that's not fair to him either. He cannot be expected to bear the entire weight of your need. It will, eventually, destroy your marriage.
Please understand I say this from experience and from concern. YOu need to deal with this and learn to be strong for yourself ... so you can be strong for your husband as well.
05-19-2008, 11:46 PM
You know what..neither of you really knows me or my husband. You dont know what he has gone through in his life and why he clings to me too. I was going to go visit him regardless. Its just sooner than expected. I ALWAYS visit him when he goes to San Diego.
05-19-2008, 11:53 PM
Nobody's ganging up on you, Francie.
Nobody's saying your wrong, or that you shouldn't be with your husband, or even that they know what you're going through - because we don't. We just plain don't. But bare in mind when asking for advice from people who weren't there, the only advice you're going to get is from those people.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, as well. I haven't seen or spoken to my mom in the last two years - and I'm away from my SO aswell - I'm not comparing my situation to yours in the slightest, just saying that a hint of me can empathize with a hint of you - as can the other ladies. We've all experienced parts of life that are both incredible and devastating. Everyone is still learning - and everyone has a lot to learn.
I completely agree with both Photochick and Faerie. But I'd also suggest you be sure to know your audience before posing questions to them if you're looking for a very specific answer you may not get.
Besides, it already sounds as if you've made up your mind to visit your husband - which I'm sure will be a lovely trip. Enjoy your time with him, and feel better soon.
05-19-2008, 11:59 PM
I dont see anyone, because I'm not ready.
I hope that you're able to find the support and help you need when you are ready.
I was going to go visit him regardless. Its just sooner than expected. I ALWAYS visit him when he goes to San Diego.
All the best to you on your trip.
05-19-2008, 11:59 PM
Sweetie, no one is saying you shouldn't visit him.
What we are saying is that you NEED SUPPORT for the times he's not there.
05-20-2008, 12:05 AM
Francie I also don't feel anyone was ganging up on you.
Although I am old enough to be your father, I lost my mother and grandma last year, when I was about your age I lost my father.
I see you are getting good advice but I have a question for you...do you attend or would you be interested in attending a local church for support?
05-20-2008, 01:01 AM
You know..I just asked a question on wanting to know if I should spend all this money to see him for a day and a half..and I got a lecture and how I need to see a therapist. It was totally off topic.
And EZ..I havent been to church in awhile. I havent been able to find a good one here. But I do plan on going again after we move. I really miss being active in my church.
05-20-2008, 01:19 AM
Thanks for answering my question Francie. With your panic attacks, passing of your mom and your husband being away I really think it is a great idea for you to seek one. Power comes to us through The Word...through study of His Word we gain strength to get through tough times. You are in my prayers ~ Gary
05-20-2008, 01:24 AM
Ya I know..I really miss my church back in Arizona. I went to Catholic school there and had my 1st communion there as well. I really think going back to church will be good for me. I wish dh felt the same way though..he's not very religious. But I'm hoping he will be..because I want to raise our kids in the church.
05-20-2008, 01:29 AM
Well Francie it is a personal relationship with Christ. You need to set the example and pray he follows. Lutherans are very close in practice to the Catholics....but reformed my Martin Luther of course.
05-20-2008, 01:42 AM
Oh ya..I know that, lol. Learned it in history class. Dh & I are both Catholics..
05-20-2008, 05:38 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. That must have been rough. I lost my dad 3 months out of HS myself to cancer. Then on top of that, I've had to constantly deal with the fact my mom may not be here either one of these days too since I've been 20 she's had freaky health problems due to freak complications from her being in a bad motorcycle accident and she's currently fighting off cancer for the second time and this has all occurred in a very short 4 years. But I have to say, I really do recommend you go to counseling. I didn't go until last year due to the fact I just couldn't open up and talk to someone about the conflicting feelings that I had over my dad's death. Finally last year right before I turned 24 I did it and it was HARD but I am so glad I did it now and went to talk to some one objective. I'm a much happier and saner person now. I can understand if you don't feel ready and that was what was holding me back myself. But I got tired of being mad and feeling guilty over my own issues and I feel now that I probably would have suffered a lot less if I had gone sooner to a therapist. As for you visiting your hubby, only you know your finances and if you can afford it but if you can GO!!:) and have FUN!
05-20-2008, 06:14 AM
If you can afford the trip then go see your hubby!! Even for one day the time will be worth it! As for the panic attacks, I'm not going to tell you to go to a therapist but I would like to suggest talking to your doctor about them to see if he/she has any suggestions on how to get through them or identify signs that your are about to have one and ways to try to prevent them when you notice the signs. They do have medicines out there for anxiety/panic attacks but if you're one that does not like to medicate for everything there are some natural supplements/products out there. You should ask your doctor about "rescue remedy" it's an herbal stress reliever liquid or spray. My BF uses it when he gets stressed out or really PO'd... He says it does help him relax.
Good luck with getting the attacks under control and I pray for peace in your heart and HAVE FUN WITH YOUR HUBBY!!
(my cousin shipped out from San Diego Monday morning for 6 months on the USS Ronald Reagan)
05-20-2008, 08:17 AM
Just a note about posting... If a member posts in General Chatter with the title "Advice Please," then the member can expect to get lots of opinions. Some of these won't be what the member wants to hear, but that's the chance taken. :)
At the same time, no one should be posting anything disrespectful. I see nothing disrespectful in the replies here, just concern.
Shopaholic1204, I'd say, go see your husband! You will both be glad to see each other and have some time together. :cheer2:
05-20-2008, 08:58 AM
I cant comment on a lot of things that you speak of as I don't know you or familiar enough on this board....yet!
But I just wanted to say about seeing your hubby from two points of view...
My hubby is in the British Army and I can totally, totally empathize with seperations and such. Quite a few years ago we had been apart for 7 months and it worked out that as he was on his way to the Falklands he had 12 hours back in the UK between flights...I could not get to him and was devastated..but he took matters into his own hands and had hired a car and drove 4 hours to where I was just so we could have a couple of hours together and it was wonderful. I still think of those couple of hours and still am very thankful for them.
On the other hand a couple of years ago it was the day he was being deployed to Iraq again and he left for camp in the morning after we had all sad our tearful goodbyes..the kids trying to be brave e.t.c..I am sure you know what I mean. Anyway about an hour later he was back! The flights had been delayed! Well my initial delight turned to immense nerves and despair because myself, him and the kids had to do all the goodbyes over again and it felt cruel. It was not any better saying goodbye the second time around.
Whatever you decide to do I really, really do wish you the best.
05-20-2008, 10:00 AM
I think you should go see him :) It'll be a pick me up for you and him...I think. My husband is a former Marine so I understand how it used to be as a military wife.
As for the rest....from a person that is on anti-depression meds. It's worth going to some sort of therapy. After the hurricane (I'm from New Orleans) and my nanny passing away it really slung me out of control. I clung onto my husband, got freaked out everytime he left on a business trip and some other bad stuff I won't go into here. I was actually forced to go see someone but I'm thankful that I had my loved ones be that concerned about me.
05-20-2008, 03:31 PM
I think if you can afford to go and feel that it will help you....go and see your husband! I am not sure how long he is gone for or how many times they port...but maybe you could see him half way through his tour I guess, not sure what it is called for the Navy... and then it wouldn't be too long until he is home! Let us know how it goes! :)
05-20-2008, 03:58 PM
I can not remember, but since it will be a short visit, can you take a train or even a (if they still have them) a MAC flight? Check into some (if any) discounts that may be available to you. I think you NEED to see him. But I also agree that you need some outside person to help when he is not there, like pastor/preist, counselor, other wife. They sometimes have spouse support groups that at least you can get together and have some companionship.
Good luck and enjoy the time you have for a visit. See if you can make the trip but get a good deal at the same time.....