20-Somethings - I Hate Men!!!




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brat_61886
05-13-2008, 07:02 PM
so i guess some of you will remember me posting about going to see my boyfriend in Ohio a couple weeks ago or something like that. well he isnt my boyfriend anymore. he totally freaked himself out about me going up there. yes we are long distance and it sucks but he thinks i'm his ex. his ex did this stuff to him. they were LD too and she would promise to go see him and then back out at the last minute. I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!! i just spent 120 bucks on this corset and bra (i had the panties). so he isnt talking to me, not taking my calls and blocked me online. ive left him so messages online but i'm not sure if he is getting them or not (i think he is). anywyas i have 2 options, wait this out or just go up there and tell him where i'm staying and if he wants to see me he can but if he come i'm going to be devistated....what do i do? ive asked all my friends but they are single for a reason and most are really really young. and sorry this is soooo off topic.


Lovely
05-13-2008, 07:10 PM
I have a long distance fiancé. Trusting the other person and believing them is key to keeping this working. If he isn't willing to trust you enough to come up and meet him (I'm guessing you haven't met, yet, because why else would he think you aren't coming...?), then really why bother?

Were this happening to me, I'd forget him. Why waste time on someone so immature that they block someone who has said they're visiting them? I do not understand this "blocking" and "ignoring". I never have. It's childish. Real adults work out their problems or choose to move on. Blocking someone without discussing a problem is not moving on.

He made his choice. He's already decided that he doesn't want to even talk to you. Why would you want to travel to see him or even waste anymore time trying to convince him that you'd like to? Go find someone who isn't afraid.

So I'm voting for your third option. Get the heck out of there.

SephyFowl
05-13-2008, 07:12 PM
I have some questions first.. Have you met him before? I don't quite remember.. Also have you bought your plane ticket or are you driving.. I would say if you bought a plane ticket then go and find a hotel and use it as a vacation whether you see him or not. He might just be upset and nervous I know when I get sooo close to visiting someone that I may be interested in I get hella nervous and just say maybe I shouldn't go. So if he is insecure about you going. Then if you have the means GO. Show him you aren't like his ex. That is if you have met him before and have been dating for a while..


brat_61886
05-13-2008, 07:13 PM
lol i have met him. i dont do the whole e-dating. i know how wonderful he is and i know how hurt he has been in the past. he puts everything into a relationship and usually gets taken advantage off. his ex got like 9000 bucks out of him. he is just freaking himself out. but thanks for the advice.

brat_61886
05-13-2008, 07:18 PM
I have some questions first.. Have you met him before? I don't quite remember.. Also have you bought your plane ticket or are you driving.. I would say if you bought a plane ticket then go and find a hotel and use it as a vacation whether you see him or not. He might just be upset and nervous I know when I get sooo close to visiting someone that I may be interested in I get hella nervous and just say maybe I shouldn't go. So if he is insecure about you going. Then if you have the means GO. Show him you aren't like his ex. That is if you have met him before and have been dating for a while..

I have met him. i'm driving up there and i was just going to get a hotel for the night and let him make the next move. yeah he is freaking himself out. he is a single father and the lil girls mom passed away when she was 7 months. he is really worried about me and her getting along because we havent met yet. plus all the stuff with his ex. he doesnt want to get hurt again and to be honest i have been putting off the trip in hopes of losing more weight and didnt tell him so part of this is my fault. blah i'm going, if he comes to me then great. if he doesnt then i know i have to move on...right after i egg his house...ok ill just do that in my head but oh well.

Lovely
05-13-2008, 07:19 PM
You've met him and he still thinks you aren't coming to see him? That confuses me.

I still see the blocking & ignoring as a GIANT RED FLAG. (Not to mention it's just plain rude. And that's something that I personally decided I would never allow in my relationship. If you really care about someone, you aren't rude to them.)

But, best of luck with driving up there.

Iianae
05-13-2008, 07:22 PM
I feel for you. My husband and I met online 8 years ago and we did the long distance relationship before I moved up here 5 years ago. We will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary in August. It isn't easy. Not at all.

I do have to wonder, if you two HAVE met, what his reluctance is right now and why he wouldn't believe you would come out. I say back off, for now...the corset isn't going to "go bad" and you will, eventually, get your monies worth out of it so no worries about losing money on that. However, I'd hate to see you force your way into something that is screaming for caution right now.

No worries about being "off topic", we all need an ear (or eye as the case may be) from time to time

Take care of yourself

Jen

olguitha
05-13-2008, 07:23 PM
we can make a club, today i hate man too.

PrettyPaula
05-13-2008, 07:33 PM
i read a book a couple years ago and it changed how i saw men and relationships.

its called he's just not that into you. its brilliant. sheer genius

ever since i read that i have told men where to go the minute they do something as stupid as ignore me or leave me waiting for the phone to ring.

in doing so i respected myself and my worth to others.

i now have a fiance who worhsips the ground i walk on and i do the same to him.

dont EVER settle for anything less than you would want for your best friend or sister/mum.

dont let this guy muck you around, we all have emotional baggage but we dont all chose to use it as a convenient excuse to mess the good stuff in our lives up.

kaplods
05-13-2008, 07:35 PM
I also don't get it. He freaked out that you are coming, because he's afraid you won't come? I'm sorry, but that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. There is another reason he does not want you there (Sorry to be blunt, but my first guess would be a new girlfriend in the new location).

Going up there would be a huge mistake. Use your "vacation" somewhere else. Even if it's a plane ticket you should be able to trade it in for another location. The blocking your calls and such is a huge warning sign that there is something seriously wrong with this guy and the situation.

He may have told you about his previous horrendous relationship(s), but a doormat in a relationship is a voluntary doormat. He couldn't be taken advantage of without his cooperation, and neither can you. And please, don't allow yourself to be the doormat, it just is not worth it. Someone who blocks your calls and emails and breaks up with you because you want to see him does not have the character of someone you want to be with.

If he calls and wants you back, say no. He's too messed up, and you're worth better. It doesn't matter if he has good reasons for being messed up, it will be just as painful and psychologically damaging for you to be in a relationship with him. That kind of behavior is abusive, and if he gets away with it, it would only be worse later on in the relationship.

Justwant2Bhealthy
05-13-2008, 07:52 PM
YES, KAPLODS ~ I thought the exact same thing as you; THANK YOU for being so honest and forthright. When we are young, we want to believe the best of everyone. If someone throws a fit because you are coming to visit him, then he is hiding something from you. He may have a girlfriend, or he may even have a wife and family!

When I was sixteen, I met a man who did exactly that. He came to where I lived, but someone wrote me a letter explaining that he had a wife and child at home, AND that he was a foreigner, who just wanted to find someone to use, so that he could get into the country. I DUMPED HIM LIKE A HOT POTATO ... IMMEDIATELY!!!

I'm sorry honey ~ but honestly, his story is a bunch of bunk. For those of us who are much older and more experienced, we see it right away! He doesn't want you to come becuz he's hiding something from you. Don't waste your time or money on this person. There are way too many wonderful fish in the sea to waste your time on an 'EEL' like him ...

Keep looking sweetie, you will find a good fella who will respect you, adore you, and treat you right! Don't settle for anything less than that; becuz you are worth it!


:hug:ROSEBUD:hug:

Kofarq
05-13-2008, 08:39 PM
Listen to PrettyPaula! Also read The Rules by Ellen Fein. Both books got me my fiance'. The trick is to play it cool, be hard to get. Serious!!!

xGurlyGrlx
05-13-2008, 08:47 PM
I would have to agree with everyone else. You have already met him... and now he is scared you won't show up??? Makes no sense. He is definitely hiding something!! Watch out! I would try to get in contact with him so you can discuss what is going on like two grown adults. Then base your decision on that. I know if it were me, I couldn't just let it go. I would have to talk to him. Good luck...I would also say DON'T go see him unless you talk with him first. Something is definitely not right here!

kaplods
05-13-2008, 09:03 PM
I would be tempted to talk to him, as well, but it would be a very bad idea. He's already proven himself unable to act as a grown adult. It would also allow him a chance to try and manipulate the situation.

I wrote my last post before I read that there was a child involved. I would strongly suspect that his daughter's mother is not dead, but living with him. This is why he panicked and blocked off all communication - he's afraid of his girlfriend or wife finding out about you.

I could be wrong, but it makes alot more sense than the garbage excuse he gave you.

THE Heather
05-13-2008, 09:07 PM
I have to agree with Faerie.


I was in the same situation. I moved to PA to be with a guy whom I was involved with long distance wise. He pulled the same amount of crap on me and basically I hung on...

After hanging on, he decided that he wanted to be with me and move to Texas to be with me. I got an apartment and now I'm stuck with that apartment.


Well not stuck anymore...I'm moving in with my mom now :)

I say get the heck out of there. If he's going to "freak out" while you guys are in a long distance relationship, what will he do when you guys are actually together??

Boomcha
05-13-2008, 10:09 PM
Listen to PrettyPaula! Also read The Rules by Ellen Fein. Both books got me my fiance'. The trick is to play it cool, be hard to get. Serious!!!

Both books...absolute musts for the daters. As much The Rules pissed me off reading it, try it and see, actually works wonders.

Brat_61886, as loving as your BF may seem at times, he apparently has too much baggage (real or hidden) to have a healthy relationship right now. The worst thing you can do to yourself is make excuses for his bad behavior and allow yourself to be treated like a stalker.

Hate to say it but, he's just not that into you. DON'T WASTE THE PRETTY!!!!

bargoo
05-13-2008, 10:16 PM
Listen to those who are older and wiser, I have met men who claimed to be single yet there was a wife. More than once. One jerks wife was in the hospital, in another case the wife was just away visiting relatives in another state.This guy that you think is your boyfriend is bad news. Get out while you can.

SunshineRunner
05-13-2008, 11:16 PM
I just ordered both books - i use paperbackswap.com - i hope some of you do too! i love grabbing books up that sound interesting :)
thanks!

p.s. good luck with this situation - it sounds sticky - but you really need to think about yourself....what you want and need, respect yourself - he clearly isn't respecting you....

brat_61886
05-14-2008, 10:41 AM
ya'll are right...just because his ex was crazy doesnt mean he should take that out on me. i'm not going to go up there. i'm going to make him beg because i know him and he will come back. there were a few things i wanted to talk to him about when i was there, that way he couldnt hang up or sign out on me and it invovled some of this stuff. well now i have 3 months and nothing to do...i guess ill just live in the gym lol. thanks ladies and yeah ill pick up those books next time i'm at barnes and noble.

Smiling_Sara
05-14-2008, 10:47 AM
so i guess some of you will remember me posting about going to see my boyfriend in Ohio a couple weeks ago or something like that. well he isnt my boyfriend anymore. he totally freaked himself out about me going up there. yes we are long distance and it sucks but he thinks i'm his ex. his ex did this stuff to him. they were LD too and she would promise to go see him and then back out at the last minute. I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!! i just spent 120 bucks on this corset and bra (i had the panties). so he isnt talking to me, not taking my calls and blocked me online. ive left him so messages online but i'm not sure if he is getting them or not (i think he is). anywyas i have 2 options, wait this out or just go up there and tell him where i'm staying and if he wants to see me he can but if he come i'm going to be devistated....what do i do? ive asked all my friends but they are single for a reason and most are really really young. and sorry this is soooo off topic.


This sounds like an awful situation! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have had 3 big crush instrests in the last 3 years, and they have all been really far away. ( I met 2 of them, nothing happened from them )
I wouldn't go hon. Why would you want to be with someone who blocks you from online and won't return your calls? I have been here, and to a point still am, cause it's just who I am, but I need to myself that as well. Why would we want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us? We DESERVE so much better!

brat_61886
05-14-2008, 11:01 AM
We DESERVE so much better!

Lets go egg their houses. I'm in revenge mode right now lol

whoIwannabe
05-14-2008, 11:04 AM
Hope you'll fee better soon....

olguitha
05-15-2008, 01:51 AM
The trick is to play it cool, be hard to get. Serious!!!
how in the world can i do that!! i just don't know!

reddahlia
05-15-2008, 07:30 AM
ya'll are right...just because his ex was crazy doesnt mean he should take that out on me. i'm not going to go up there. i'm going to make him beg because i know him and he will come back. there were a few things i wanted to talk to him about when i was there, that way he couldnt hang up or sign out on me and it invovled some of this stuff. well now i have 3 months and nothing to do...i guess ill just live in the gym lol. thanks ladies and yeah ill pick up those books next time i'm at barnes and noble.

Good girl!! Be strong, you deserve so much better!

kaplods
05-15-2008, 02:51 PM
olguitha,

I'm not sure it's so much "hard to get," as "hard to win." You don't have to reject a guy to get him interested in you, but you have to show him that you have high standards, and won't put up with crap.

If I guy feels you are too good for him, he'll work a lot harder to keep you interested.

It sounds like a game, but it really isn't. No one wants to feel that a person is with them because they'll say yes to anybody that pays them a little attention. Everyone wants to feel that they were not only chosen, but chosen by somebody with high standards.

SephyFowl
05-15-2008, 07:03 PM
"You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out." I laughed hysterically and thought YEAH I AM! So I ran out and got the Hes just not that into you book and I love it! My eyes were opened with the rest of the responses after mine and I must say I am glad they are.. Thanks girls!

chicarangel
05-15-2008, 07:08 PM
hello i am new here and trying to figure how to post...help

bargoo
05-15-2008, 07:37 PM
hello i am new here and trying to figure how to post...help

You just posted this message OK.

net knee
05-15-2008, 11:56 PM
Hey, if you go and he doesn't show up... Treat yourself to an amazing spa treatment or something that you really really enjoy b/c there's no point in sitting there stewing over how he didn't show up-- enjoy yourself b/c i guarantee you're worth it!! Hope it turns out great for ya!

OptimistK
05-16-2008, 04:51 AM
Just in case you want revenge...:d
http://www.wikihow.com/Play-a-Player

brat_61886
05-16-2008, 01:12 PM
Just in case you want revenge...:d
http://www.wikihow.com/Play-a-Player

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg thats great.

OK so after calming down a lot, i finally realized what was in his head with a lil help from his BFF who is also a friend of mine. The sad part is i cant blame him. See the thing is, i'm in college. My grandparents support me financially while i'm in school. I mean literally everything, my car and everything. Well the thing is, they think just because they pay for everything, they have a right to control me. I mean yes they have every right to tell me i'm spending too much money and that i need to chill out, but my grandfather goes through my bank statements and questions everythign i buy. My car, which they bought for me when i was 16, is in my grandma's name and they told me i couldnt take it out of the state. They also dont trust me to go get the oil changed or get new tires, which pushed my trip back big time. I was going to go the beginning of this week or the end of last, but i'm still waiting on getting my tires (there is no tred on them at all and its been raining here like crazy, VERY dangerous). Anyways he flat out told me a while ago that it was like dating a 12 yr old because i basically have to ask permission for everything. I'm going to be 22 next month and i'm getting sick and tired of it myself. So now i'm at a crossroads as to what to do. ya know for someone who works so damn hard to not have drama in my life, i have a lot of it!!

jillybean720
05-16-2008, 02:41 PM
Anyways he flat out told me a while ago that it was like dating a 12 yr old because i basically have to ask permission for everything. I'm going to be 22 next month and i'm getting sick and tired of it myself. So now i'm at a crossroads as to what to do.
This really doesn't change anything. If he's not willing to work within the boundaries of your current lifestyle, then he's not worth it. In a real, adult relationship, you do what you gotta do to make it work. If he's so fired up about "dating a 12 year old," then he's obviously not very understanding or patient. You don't need someone who can't accept you and your current situation. If he's not willing to work to make the relationship work, then the relationship isn't worth it.

And, back to what so many have already mentioned, no matter what his problem is, he should NEVER be so immature as to just ignore you. That solves NOTHING, and that's a clear indication of way more drama to come. So if you want less drama, ya gotta ditch the source of the drama--this guy.

brat_61886
05-16-2008, 03:49 PM
i was actually more venting about my grandparents and how i'm not happy with my life and not really knowing what to do and not so much on him. what he is doing is wrong, i completely agree, but i'm done some not so nice things to him too. both of us have some growing up to do, together or not. but thanks anyways.

Sgirl
05-16-2008, 04:23 PM
You seem to be in a very unfair situation all around. I can't know the whole story, but I have been there when you feel pulled back or smothered by people taking care of you, when you just want to grow. It's such a delicate situation because parents and grandparents want to do what is best and want to do everything to protect us from the world, while it is our lives...our lives their responsibility...so at times it creates conflict. I see that your grandparents are helping you through school. I know first hand how going through school with no financial help can be a HUGE struggle. But a good way to gain independence is to assess what you actually NEED to get through school and what you will need afterwards...presumably less and less. It is very hard to talk to caretakers, but a good thing is, "I love you so much, I know you only want to do what is best for me, but I really want to learn to be independent and take care of myself so that, in the future, you guys don't need to worry about me." Maybe start slowly, such as paying part of your school bills or helping with groceries and moving forward that way. The more independence you get the better you both will feel. It's not easy, but it is doable. As far as your boyfriend goes, from what you and others have posted I have to say I agree with most of the posters. We clearly do not know the entire situation and I am sure you aren't perfect (none of us are), but from an outsiders perspective he just does not seem worth it. Any man or woman who makes his or her partner say "I hate men" or "I hate women" is not worth it. There are wonderful fabulous men out there...men who deserve you. I agree that blocking and ignoring is not indicative of a healthy relationship...taking a break during an argument is fine so long as BOTH parties agree and BOTH parties arrange specifically when they are going to discuss things. Also, I have to ask, does he speak negatively about the mother of his children in front of his children? This is also a warning sign, no matter what has happened between parents, the children will ALWAYS feel like a part of both parents and bringing children into grown up drama is very alienating for them. There is no way that you can every REALLY know what happens between two people. I know that breaking up is BRUTAL, and that in relationships there is an element of working on things, but working on things is things such as schedules, beliefs about how money should be spent, family of origin differences, BUT "working on things" does not mean working on the mutual love and respect that you have for one another. It is the mutual love and respect you have at the depths of your relationship that help you get through challenging situations...but that love and respect should be solid! I hope for you that you situation improves in your eyes!
Good luck!

brat_61886
05-16-2008, 08:32 PM
he is great really. if he wasnt then i wouldnt be so hurt. the thing with him is he has been on his own for a really long time. he is raising his daughter on his own so he just doesnt really understand how my grandparents can be so controling/protective because he has never had that. he really is a awesome person, and i know that he loves me. Its just a mix of the long distance and then me never knowing if/when i can go see him because of my grandparents and then my grandparents havent met him. Its just a tough situation all together but i know he will calm down and talk to me. he just needs his space right now. he may not be doing it the right way and its because we dont always understand where the other person is coming from. it really isnt as bad as it seems. i dunno whatever is ment to be will be and i'm ok with that. if i'm with him then great, if i'm not thats ok too.

he doesnt speak negatively about her mother. her mom passed away when she was 7 months old.

prepping
05-20-2008, 01:35 PM
I saw this thread last week and didn't quite know what to say - but I'm nervous for you and your situation.

I believe myself to be a strong, independant woman, and regardless of that I've fallen into the abuses of men in the past without even realizing it. Men that I gave my heart to and in turn had it dangled in front of my eyes just to taunt me. The situation you're going through is a classic that I can relate to so I'll say this:

True love is not a soap opera.

You deserve a man that would do anything for you. Just as every man deserves in a woman. Don't change who you are and how you feel about yourself and your actions just because of someone who has some serious issues to work out himself.

As for the grandparents, they are the ones that truely love you! They will be there no matter what. So even if it's stifling at the moment, know that when you're graduated, onto your own career and making something out of your life, they were always a solid support. Don't apologize for it, just take advantage of the fact that you were given a lead into life and focus on excelling in every other aspect of your life.

Dump the extra baggage. Focus on yourself. Focus on being happy. In turn, your positive energy will bring everything you want in life to you.

btw, in addition to the other books mentioned, I'd also suggest The Secret. Wonderfully uplifting book. It's a great way to look at life.