100 lb. Club - it finally happened to me...




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dek6
05-13-2008, 02:48 PM
Last night my daughter asked me if I wanted a choc chip cookie for dessert. I said yes I want 10 (just joking of course) I only wanted 1. So she looked at me and she said I think one or two is enough. Then she looks at ym stomache and says remember "BIG BELLY". So I yelled at her and told her that it was not her place to tell me how many cookies I could have and that was mean and she hurt my feelings. I told her that you dont tell someone they have a big belly. After she went to bed I could not stop crying. I dont know why it hurt me so much. She is only 6 and was just being honest. But it made me think, if she feels that way then I can only imagine what strangers think of me.... :(
Im kinda over it today. But it really hurt my feelings. I dont want her to grow up embarrased of me. So now I am more motivated than before then get healthy and skinny....:dizzy:


GirlyGirlSebas
05-13-2008, 03:00 PM
Children aren't born with tact and it takes some of them longer to learn this talent than most. My 8 year old is still extremely tactless. Yes, she hurts my feelings sometimes, but I often times find her honestly to be refreshing. She says that my belly is "mooshy" and I have a big butt :(, but she also tells me that she loves cuddling with me because I'm "soft."

I'm sure your daughter wasn't trying to be cruel. However, it is good if you can use this as extra motivation to keep making changes.

Schmoodle
05-13-2008, 03:01 PM
Sorry dek. :hug: I think kids' comments hurt the most because they are so honest. But you know she loves you, belly and all. And you are making great progress! By the way, once you have lost the weight, she will find something else tactless to say!


thistoo
05-13-2008, 03:06 PM
Ouch, that does sting. I'm glad you're getting over it, but I don't blame you for being hurt! Just know that she's going to grow up proud of her mom and the strength she has to go on the journey you're undertaking.

gina1221
05-13-2008, 03:07 PM
True, maybe she was just being honest. However, you were right that it is not her place to point out your "big belly" (or anyone else's) nor is she the one to dictate how many cookies you eat. You are the parent.

I see too many kids these days (and quite a few adults) that don't think anything of saying whatever is on their tongue. Sorry, this is one of my pet peeves. I'm constantly reminding my DH to put a filter over his mouth. :tape:

Anyway, you did the right thing and try not to be too upset about it. She's young and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. :hug:

Lyn2007
05-13-2008, 03:16 PM
Aw thats rough. I am glad you let her know it was not ok. I am sure she was not trying to be mean though. Give her extra hugs today and maybe have a nice discussion about why it upset you so much.

kaplods
05-13-2008, 03:27 PM
She's 6, she's not judging you, she's copying you. At 6, almost everything she says and thinks is a reflection of what she's learned from the adults in her life.

At 6, it's unlikely that she would guess that 10 cookies was a joke (she probably still doesn't). What would you have told her, if she told you she wanted 10 cookies? What have you said about your "big belly" (she was obviously quoting you, right?) She knows you're dieting, right? Her comments were not judgemental, they reflected what you've been teaching her (intentionally, or not).

Yes, it is appropriate for you to control her diet, and not for her to control yours. There are many things that are appropriate for adults and not for children, but that has to be explained to her, and taught many times for her to learn it. It's not instinctive for her to "know" that, or have any clue at all why you were mad. Your reaction shows you were thinking she should know better, and the fact is at 6, that's just not true. Generally, calm, loving teaching is more effective than getting upset and yelling (which tends to shortcircuit young children's logic abilities). They don't know what they did to make you mad, they just know they were "bad," but not why especially if they were copying or reflecting your own words/behavior.

It doesn't sound, from what you've described of the situation, as though she is, in any way, embarrassed of you. You've read that in, because of your feelings, not hers.

I'm not trying to be harsh, just reminding you that kids' minds work a lot differently than adults. It's not a reason to ignore behavior that isn't socially appropriate, but getting upset doesn't always teach what you want it to. Explaining, often does a lot more good.

I've often explained to my nephews when they've done or said something that wasn't appropriate for children, or could hurt someone's feelings, and even calmly, it's often apparent that it takes quite a bit for them to "get it."

And let's face it, even as adults, it's often hard to grasp social rules that are seemingly unfair (it's ok for men, but not women - ok for the boss, but not employee - ok to say about myself and not ok to say about others....)

PhotoChick
05-13-2008, 03:44 PM
I agree with kaplods.

I'm not at all trying to be judgemental or mean or anything, but it truly sounds like there's something else going on there if the words from your 6 your old could send you to bed crying and sobbing.

I mean, my goodness, she's SIX!! Six year olds (and 8 year olds and 10 year olds) say things w/out thinking all the time. They're brutally honest becuase they haven't developed that social filter yet. For you go to bed and not be able to stop crying because a 6 year old tells you you have a belly ... there's something more going on there. And yelling at her for it seems counter-productive to me. I would think this was a great opportunity to calmly begin to TEACH her about how that social filter works.

Maybe you can take some time for yourself and think about why you reacted so strongly and (IMO) somewhat inappropriately to a comment from a child. I know we all go through periods of really bad self-esteem, where we feel that everyone is looking at us and judging us. And I know for myself I will cry at the drop of a hat around my TOM ... so maybe that might be a factor for you this week?

What I would do, if I were you, is maybe talk to your daughter today now that you're calm. Apologize for yelling at her and take some time to calmly explain what's appropriate to say and what's not.

.

xGurlyGrlx
05-13-2008, 04:10 PM
I disagree. I don't think her reaction was unusual. Although I don't agree with yelling at the child, I do know what it feels like to be in your own home, being away from a judgmental society and have someone in your "circle" say something you never would have thought you would hear in your own home. I know she is six...yes, a small child who does not know better. However, it doesn't take away from the fact that the comment was brutally honest and it stings! I don't know about the rest of you but in my home, my physical appearance is not something I need to worry about. I can wear sweat pants, a t-shirt, and have my hair a mess and not worry about being judged. I think why it hurt so much is because it was said in her home with her guard down. Whether it is a child or not...it hurts the same - more so if it is coming from someone you would never expect to hear it from.

I do agree with Kaplods and think today you should explain to your daughter why it hurt your feelings. She probably doesn't know what she did wrong. Just my 2 cents. :D

SuchAPrettyFace
05-13-2008, 05:29 PM
Last night my daughter asked me if I wanted a choc chip cookie for dessert. I said yes I want 10 (just joking of course) I only wanted 1. So she looked at me and she said I think one or two is enough. Then she looks at ym stomache and says remember "BIG BELLY". So I yelled at her and told her that it was not her place to tell me how many cookies I could have and that was mean and she hurt my feelings. I told her that you dont tell someone they have a big belly. After she went to bed I could not stop crying. I dont know why it hurt me so much. She is only 6 and was just being honest. But it made me think, if she feels that way then I can only imagine what strangers think of me.... :(
Im kinda over it today. But it really hurt my feelings. I dont want her to grow up embarrased of me. So now I am more motivated than before then get healthy and skinny....:dizzy::hug:

It's very hard for children to tell when you're joking or not. My mother once told me, when I asked what was inside a wonton, "A cow's eye!" and then laughed hysterically. To this day I've never eaten a wonton & she denies this story very hotly.

I'm sorry that her comment hit you so hard. We all have our days where something hits harder than others.

tabitha
05-13-2008, 07:41 PM
I agree with Kaplods that she may very well have been saying what she's heard you say, and with everyone who's said that she didn't intend to hurt you and would probably be terribly upset if she understood that she did. That doesn't make it hurt any less, and you're right to explain to her - calmly - why comments like that are hurtful and inappropriate.

Don't think that what a tiny child says to try to be grown up reflects anything on what the rest of the world thinks. I really hope you feel better soon :)

kaplods
05-13-2008, 08:00 PM
If I had a dollar for every time a small child (several of them closely related to me) made a comment about my weight, I wouldn't be wealthy, but I bet I'd double my bank account balance.

The thing is judgement is the last thing on their minds. They say "you have a big belly," in the same way they say "Wow, you have a hairy face" (and hopefully it's Uncle Bob they're talking about and not Aunt Mary). And, especially if it is Aunt Mary, the adult reaction should be the same - calm correction as to why it isn't nice to comment on someone's appearance, as it might hurt their feelings (and then why it might hurt their feelings, which is a much more difficult concept - sometimes I have to be honest and say I don't know why some comments are acceptable, and some are not).

I am fat, and I'm not ashamed of it. I know that's a pretty radical concept in our culture, but all the years I hated fat and myself for being so were spent on a rollercoaster of emotions and weight. It was only when I learned of and accepted many of the "fat acceptance" beliefs, ironically that I was able to start getting control of my weight. When I accepted that I was a valuable, even wonderful person - even if I never lost a single ounce, that I started to treat myself as if it were true, and stopped caring what anyone else thought of me.

It has changed the way I feel and dealt with comments (from children and adults). I now love when a small child innocently asks about my size, because its a teaching moment, and I can teach love, respect, tolerance, social skills, health, nutrition, exercise.....

Yeah, I'm a little weird.

JayEll
05-13-2008, 10:19 PM
I understand how bad this can make someone feel. :( It's hard to realize that one's children see you in a certain way.

But someone has to behave like an adult, and it's the parent, not the child.

I'm not sure it's appropriate to try to make a child of 6 understand how to deal with her mother's hurt feelings. Maybe by the time they are 10... Just my opinion, and not based on any experience.

And yes, it's miserable to think that other people are probably thinking that you are large. I remember how it felt to me to realize it. That's really what hurts...

I'd suggest that maybe you could benefit from some counseling! A good counselor can really help to work through issues, and these days it's easier to find some who are savvy about weight issues and the difficulty of that. If nothing else, you could talk to a church pastor or counselor, if you're active in one.

Hang in there, dek6! :hug:

Jay

Tatortott
05-13-2008, 11:39 PM
Hi,

I am new to the site but I can read the hurt within your writing. I think you can name the hurt and then as you did move forward - just think you did not eat more cookies you reacted in a positive manner.

Beverlyjoy
05-14-2008, 08:03 AM
I am sorry your feelings were hurt. Young children have to learn to be gracious. It takes time.

It reminds me of an old Weight Watcher story. One day a young child asked her mom to cut the "chubby" off her steak. Her mother was surpized to hear this. The little girl said - ""Mom, you told us that saying the word fat is not polite...to say chubby." The mom realized that her daughter had taken her message very literally!! So - it is all a learning process for young children.

dek6
05-14-2008, 10:12 AM
kaplods:

Ok. Let me say one thing. I didnt scream at her and tell her that she was the most horrible child in the world. I just told her that it was not her place to tell Mommy how many cookies she thinks I should have and yes Mommys belly is big, but it is not nice to tell people that they have big belly's. I didnt like freak out and yell and throw things and scream and cry..... I dont care who she is talking too. She shouldnt tell people those things. Luckily it was just me and not some stranger on the streets. So i dont think my reaction was an OVER REACTION or INAPPROPRIATE at all. Im not going to let my daughter tell me what she thinks I can or can not have. I said ten cookies because she wanted one and there were only 10 left so I was joking with her that I was going to eat them all and she couldnt have any. I was going to say I was just joking. But then she said what she said about me having only 2 and I had to stop the joke. And as far as me crying. I didnt run and throw myself on my bed and sob through the whole night. I was laying in bed watching tv with my husband and I was crying. So I appreciate your Input, however I think that you are completely wrong.

I was just coming here to vent about it. I was just sharing my story. I thought that maybe other people had the same experience. I know that she is only 6 and that she wasnt JUDGING ME and that she was only saying what she has heard me say. But that doesnt mean it is ok for her to say things like that. and that is something I know I need to teach her and she got a good lesson the other night. She felt bad and that is what I want. I want her to understand how her comments affect other people. I want her to have empathy.

kaplods
05-14-2008, 11:07 AM
That's great, dek6, glad to hear it. I wasn't judging you either, I was only responding to what you had said. I only had your own words, and my personal experiences to go by when giving input (as would anyone), so I took what you said literally. Things like " So I yelled at her..." and "After she went to bed I could not stop crying," and "if she feels that way then I can only imagine what strangers think of me," give a very different impression to the situation.

My experiences of course do color my interpretation of what you've said.
Even now, "She felt bad and that is what I want," to me seems an unnecessarily harsh lesson. Because I, personally, would not have wanted to teach the child by making her feel bad unless her intentions were obviously meant to hurt (which I would never assume with a 6 year old -- at 11, maybe). And maybe I have even misinterpreted what you've said about making her feel bad, unfortunately miscommunication is often unavoidable in a written format, and even to a degree when communicating face to face.

Jen415
05-14-2008, 11:13 AM
So I yelled at her

Sorry mate....IMO you DID overreact. Her words to you about "one or two is enough" did not justify that. Her words hurt you, so you did a knee-jerk response, and YOU hurt HER with YOUR words.

And I'm willing to bet your words to her will hurt her for a long long long time.

kaplods
05-14-2008, 11:33 AM
I guess in thinking about it, I also would have looked at the good in your daughter's statement as well as the bad. You had an opportunity to reward the good part - learning and thinking about portion control. You obviously have taught her, at only 6 (what a smart one you have there) that that 1 or 2 cookies is an appropriate serving (even for an adult), not 10.

My master's degree is in developmental psychology, so I know it is normal for kids of this age to copy their parenting to their parents. So, when you remind her to put her seatbelt on, she will remind you too. Are you going to "yell" (whatever you mean by that, if it isn't actually yelling) at her that as an adult you have a right to decide whether to wear a seatbelt or not? I certainly hope not. This situation, despite it hitting a hot spot for you, was no different. Or what if she had said "Mommy 10 cookies will make you sick," would you have reprimanded her in the same way (because as you pointed out, she doesn't have a right to tell you what to eat).

No, I guess I think my original advice was still pretty good. You, of course, have the right to disagree.

Boomcha
05-14-2008, 12:03 PM
Dek6, I feel your pain since I anticipate one of these days my eldest who is 4 will "figure out" that I'm fat and say something innocently that will cut me like a knife. No amount of rationalizing her age and intent will keep it from hurting like ****, mind you.

One thing that struck me in your comments though was that you deliberately hurt her in order to teach her empathy, despite knowing that her intent wasn't to be mean. If she punched her little brother, would you punch her to feel pain to teach her that punching is mean? Of course not.

I don't want to sound critical, just showing another perspective. Words hit pretty deep for a kid, especially from parents. FWIW, the way you handled that situation probably caused more damage to her self esteem than taught her any valuable lessons.

Btw, we all do that unintentionally when we emotionally react in the moment with loved ones. But it's never the right thing to do.

kaplods
05-14-2008, 12:29 PM
Boomcha, you make a very good point that pointed out to me that I did give some very bad advice. Deliberately inflicting physical or emotional pain, even when it's in response to like behavior, no matter the age of either person, does not teach empathy so much as revenge.

November2007
05-14-2008, 12:41 PM
aahhhh kids. Very straightforward at times. One of my pastor's sons asked me why I was so fat.....just out of nowhere, right in front of everyone. I was in slight shock, but didn't want to overplay the situation. I was a bit humiliated, but if we were alone, I would have been ok with it....its quite obvious I am fat. My 5 year old daughter has begun to tell me that my fat is getting smaller, she knows I am trying to be more healthy and she is trying to be nice about it. But then the time she looks at me and says, "you look pretty mommy", well, they just make my day.