100 lb. Club - I Am So Lost




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Penney
05-11-2008, 11:44 PM
I am so lost - I recently lost one of my children - something that I never thought that I could survive. My life has felt like a living ****. So many things have happened and I feel like I am barely going through the motions of living. I had to go back to work. I cry everyday (I am not crying in front of people - some people are very uncomfortable with grief), I started smoking again, I have not gone back to the gym.

I know that nothing is going to bring my child back. I know that I still have a family to cherish and to love. I know that I have other children that I need to be there for (not that I am ignoring them - I could never do that). I know that I have things that I have to continue doing.

I know all of these things - but a part of me - does not want to get out bed in the morning and do all of these things, much less get up and go to work or to the gym. I honestly cannot say the last time I checked my blood sugar. I am finding it so hard to care about much of anything. I feel like I am barely existing.

Today was just so horrible and my husband and kids did their very best and I love them so much for it - but in my mind I could only think of the one that I lost. I know that I need to try and get my life back in order. I know it's going to take time, I know that I am just going to have step up and be a little bit stronger. I just don't know where to start.


midwife
05-11-2008, 11:56 PM
Oh, Penney,

There are no words. Simple no words. I am so sorry. :hug:

Lyn2007
05-12-2008, 12:07 AM
Oh my goodness, Penney I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell by your words what a loving mother you are to ALL your children. I hope you can find someone to really express your grief to. Have you considered a grief/loss support group or counselor? I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and I think it is natural to need extra help emotionally during such a hard time.

I hope you find peace... I wish I had words to express how sorry I am for your pain.


luckymommy
05-12-2008, 01:16 AM
Hi Penney,

You have experienced a loss nobody should have to ever experience. Never. I am feeling helpless because I can't take your pain away. However, as you said, you need to find a way to start living again. I think that will take a lot of hard work and several interventions on your part. First, as mentioned before, counceling. Second, support group. Third, I think medication might be worthwhile. I tend to be anti meds, unless necessary and when I read your post, I think you're clinically depressed (who can blame you?). I don't know your thoughts on meds, but I personally know a handful of women who have found much relief. Actually, a friend of mine lost a child too and she is able to cope much better. Finally, move your body. Take a walk...you might not want to, but just go through the motions. Eventually, hopefully, you will find exercise to be a stress reliever. Also, keep a journal of your feelings. You might not want to break down in front of others, but you're entitled to your feelings....putting them down in a journal could be helpful...or not. Only you will figure out what works for you.

Many hugs to you.

Irena

Sassy_Chick
05-12-2008, 02:37 AM
BIG :hug:

Spoz
05-12-2008, 04:55 AM
Penny I can't understand but truly I am sorry. I think already you're an amazingly strong woman and you're husband and children are lucky to have you through these times. You just have to stick together and use the one thing that brings people through these times, and that is love. We're all sending thought you're way :hug:

Lovely
05-12-2008, 05:58 AM
:hug: :hug: :hug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I echo the others in saying that seeing a grief councelor, and perhaps joining a support group, may go a long way to help you.

RaspberryChickenFles
05-12-2008, 06:18 AM
I wish I could give you a big hug. You need time to grieve. There are no rules for how to go through this, I agree with the others, a grieve counseller is a good idea - speaking to parents who have been through the same thing can help. You will find strength. Much love and peace.

Beverlyjoy
05-12-2008, 07:39 AM
Penney - my heart is broken at the thought of your tremendous loss. No parent should have to go thru this. Please consider seeking some grief counselling - there is much out there to help you get thru this. You can ask the funeral home, or your local hospice or even your family doctor. One of those place can steer you in the right direction.

Take care. :hug:

GirlyGirlSebas
05-12-2008, 08:06 AM
Penney - I'm so sorry. Your are going through one of the worst times in a person's life. The grief process takes time. Just tackle one day at a time. I promise you, things will get easier in the future.

ladybugnessa
05-12-2008, 08:08 AM
oh I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

rockinrobin
05-12-2008, 08:14 AM
Oh Penney. Really, there are no words to express my deep sorrow for you. I simply can not imagine what you are going through. You and your family are most definitely in my thoughts. :hug:

Sandi
05-12-2008, 08:43 AM
:hug: I am so sorry for your loss. :hug: I also think that you may not be able to do this alone. Nor should you have to. There are so many awesome grief organizations out there. Find yourself some support. :hug:

Slashnl
05-12-2008, 08:43 AM
Penney, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that at some point, you can find some peace.
I think that time and maybe some counseling could help, but I can't imagine that this is something that is easy to put behind you. Please take care of yourself.

Tai
05-12-2008, 09:05 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss Penney. I hope you are able to find some helpful support. Please take care.

Trazey34
05-12-2008, 09:44 AM
oh my goodness my heart is breaking for you. No one can understand, really, but know that we're in support & sympathy.

I was talking about this with my Mom actually on mother's day, as my brother passed away a few days prior (years ago), and my mom was saying how she basically "went to bed" for about 5 months, gained about 50 lbs, and didn't move or do much of anything. My dad carried the family for that time, and finally said "we need you too much" and she was able to get up and live for us. She said that the very trite saying of "time heals all wounds" was foolish and insulting at the time, but 30 years on she can see the wisdom in the words. The pain never goes away she said, but it's a bit less and less every day. She said having other children to care for is what saved her and made her come to life again.

We're all thinking of you Penny, you're getting hugs from all corners of the globe.

barbygirl43
05-12-2008, 10:09 AM
:grouphug: I'm so so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:
Dawnyal

bargoo
05-12-2008, 10:19 AM
I am so sorry. I have not experienced this, but my brother has. Someone who has had the same sad experience told him " Eventually you will be able to smile over the good times you had with your child. " He will never get over his loss but is grateful for the time he had with his son. Their is no time table for the healing process . I am praying that you will find peace.

LisaF
05-12-2008, 11:15 AM
Penney,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm going to echo what everyone has said about a support group. I went to grief support group for a while, and they help so much. You realize that what you're going through is okay, and that everyone reacts differently to grief, and that there are a whole bunch of people who understand. You also get a place where it's okay to randomly burst into tears, and nobody thinks that you've been grieving "too much" or "too long" and you can curse the people who do say things like that and it's okay.

I know it's going to take time, I know that I am just going to have step up and be a little bit stronger. I just don't know where to start.

Here's a piece of super practical advice on where to start. Take walks. They don't have to be long walks, they don't have to be power walks, they just need to get you out of the house and get your blood moving. When we're grieving, it's so easy to fall into that place where you don't want to do anything, and leaving the house is a huge effort. I know. But take a walk, even if it's just for five minutes. (And don't smoke during it!) And just keep breathing.

Lisa

Smiling_Sara
05-12-2008, 11:43 AM
I am so sorry for your loss, Penny. :( I hope you are able to find peace soon.

BrandNewJen
05-12-2008, 02:56 PM
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Do what you can to take care of yourself and your children in your time of need. If you can't lose weight, at least try to maintain until you get some semblance of "normal" back in your life. My prayers are with you.

xGurlyGrlx
05-12-2008, 04:12 PM
I am very sorry to hear of your loss! I couldn't even imagine your pain. :hug:

Sweetcaroline
05-12-2008, 06:02 PM
Penny, I am very sorry for your loss... May you soon find strength and within the strength find peace and hope.

SuchAPrettyFace
05-12-2008, 07:00 PM
I'm sorry to hear this. :hug: Please take some time for yourself. I know everyone needs you, but you are important, too! :grouphug:

Jen
05-12-2008, 07:26 PM
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain you are going through right now. Please give yourself lots of time to grieve, it is the only way you are going to work through this and please let your husband and family help you through this as much as sometimes you probably want to be alone. They are probably suffering as much as you are.

Czarria
05-12-2008, 07:50 PM
Penny, you have my deepest sympathy and well wishes. I wish I could offer something more tangible and helpful. Please consider finding a support group or a counselor to talk to. Just hold on.... our thoughts are with you.

PhotoChick
05-12-2008, 08:53 PM
Penney - I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know that no words can make it better and I cannot imagine the pain you're going through, but I know that when my parents died, just knowing that someone out there was thinking about me helped a little. I hope our thoughts here can bring you some small measure of comfort, if not peace and healing.

.

amazingplatinum
05-12-2008, 11:22 PM
There is an amazing author named Elizabeth Kubler Ross who talks about grief. If you could find something written by her it may give you a small once of relief. My heart so goes out to you and I am deeply sad for your situation. I wish I could do more.

Penney
05-13-2008, 01:08 PM
Thanks - you all have no idea how much your kind words and support mean to me and have helped me. I have been reading some articles online and a friend actually gave me a book to read (don't remember the author) that I have decided I am going to open tonight and start reading.

I am going to make a commitment now that starting next Tuesday, I am going to go back to the gym - for at least 30 minutes - I don't care if I just sit there and stare at the equipment - I am at least going to go. I got a prescription from my doctor for the pills that I used last time to help me quit smoking and next Tuesday will be my complete break from cigarettes again.

I think that if I can get into the gym and wear myself out - I might actually be able to start sleeping again.

I read something online that says that though the grief never actually goes away - it does eventually ease - but most parents say it took them about a year. I have started a journal of sorts - writing down all the good things and times. So one day - I will be able to look back, read it and be able to think of our happy times and I will be able to do it without such an ache.

Thanks everyone - sorry this was so long - sometimes I just babble.

fiberlover
05-13-2008, 01:17 PM
:hug:
I am so sorry to hear this! I hope you can seek some counseling to help you with the grief.

dek6
05-13-2008, 01:31 PM
I am so sorry that you lost a child. I know that no words can make you feel better. But think about what your child would want. He/or she would want you to go on and not mourn their loss but celebrate their life. I can understand how hard it would be. If I lost one of my children my world would be over. But you have to take care of yourself for your child you lost, your other children, your family, and your husband. This is something that you may not be able to deal with by yourself. maybe think about talking to a paster/preist in your church (if you attend church) or talk to a therapist. You are in my prayers. I pray that you get through this. I am truley sorry for you greif and your loss... u can PM me any time you wanna talk

Nori71
05-13-2008, 05:48 PM
Penney,
I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I don't know how you feel, but I'm deeply touched and I admire your strength and your determination to do the things you mentioned above - to begin to rise up out of your deep sorrow. I know everyone copes in their own way and I wish you happy, joyful days to come.
-Nori

Sweetcaroline
05-13-2008, 06:35 PM
I am going to make a commitment now that starting next Tuesday, I am going to go back to the gym - for at least 30 minutes - I don't care if I just sit there and stare at the equipment - I am at least going to go.

My goodness, your strength and determination are amazing... I'm sure you will get to the gym... and something tells me you won't just stare at the equipment.

FB
05-13-2008, 08:04 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss.

Penney
05-13-2008, 10:53 PM
Well - I don't know that going to the gym is about strength and determination so much as it is way to try and make myself sleep. I am afraid of taking pills - I don't want to be dependent on them and to be honest - I have not really slept well since it happened.

I am going to be speaking to a priest on Friday - I don't know how much that is going to help because a portion of me is still absolutely furious with a certain someone and I would like to give him/her a good piece of my mind - but I guess that is going to have to wait a while longer - but I am going to keep the appointment on Friday anyway.

I don't know how stupid this sounds - I know in my heart that my child is in good hands now - but I still worry as to whether or not my chick is okay.

chickybird
05-13-2008, 11:08 PM
What you are saying is not stupid. You have a lot of thoughts racing through your mind, and that's what we're here for--support! You are not babbling, or rambling. You are venting, and that is something you need to do right now. I don't have kids yet, I'm only a teacher. I know I'd be devastated if something happened to one of them. That feeling must be so much worse for you. I'm amazed at how strong you are, and it is obvious what a strong mother/wife you are. My thoughts are with you! :hug:

Tonia
05-14-2008, 12:01 AM
Penney,
:hug: My thoughts and prayers are with you. Also, I would like to echo the earlier posts encouraging you to seek grief counseling. It has been said over and over again that there is no greater pain than losing a child - and this apparently just happened so first of all, give yourself some time. Also, know that your spouse/kids are really hurting, too...cry with them, laugh with them, cry with them some more.

As for you going back to work ... I know you don't want to, but sometimes getting back into the swing of life helps. It sounds like this just happened and I am sure that the people you work with would understand if you had to just walk away, or if you broke out in tears, or whatever.

Best of luck to you and your family, Penney...and know that our prayers are with you! :hug:

Jen415
05-14-2008, 10:37 AM
Another vote here for grief counseling/support group. Just being in a safe place where you can feel whatever you want to feel is relief.

And a blog/journal is definitely a good idea--letting it all out in words is very therapeutic.

Take care of yourself....

KidsLibrarylady
05-14-2008, 10:20 PM
Oh my goodness. I am so very, very sorry. I admire your fortitude but remember there is no shame in sitting in your grief for a while.... just remember to check your blood sugar. That is a loss no mommy (or daddy) should have to go through and, as others have stated, you will do it your own way. You, Penney, will in my prayers tonight.

jtammy
05-14-2008, 10:39 PM
Penney,

:hug: :hug: I don't know the words to say to such a loss. I am so saddened to think of what you and your family are going through. You are having to deal with something beyond what most of us have ever imagined. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

djs06
05-15-2008, 11:02 AM
Oh Penney :hug: :hug:

You've really experienced something that no one should EVER have to go through. I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you have been seeking out support from people who have gone through similar things- and if not, I think it would be great for you. As for the exercise, yes, do what you can; it should help you sleep. You could also try Melatonin, which you can get at GNC, it has helped my sleeping problems in the past and is not a "sleeping pill"- i think it's good you don't want to go that route.

Please take care of yourself- your family is so important right now, and grieving together is important as well- but they understand you're not in any shape to go back to "normal" yet. Don't worry abotu that or feel guilty at all. It takes time, and they know that.

:hug: :grouphug: My thoughts are with you and your family

PaulaM
05-16-2008, 05:22 PM
You are in my prayers. I firmly believe one day you will be together again with your child; until that time comes I know it will be so hard. You know you can talk about it anytime to us in here, we are always here to listen.

xoxo

Penney
05-21-2008, 11:16 PM
Hi everyone -

I faded out for a while - went and spent some time with some family members (took my whole crew with me) - there were some tears, a lot of hugs, some more tears and eventually even a bit of laughter. It was good for all of us.

I finally slept - strangely enough felt a little guilty about the fact that it was the first morning I did not wake up crying. Then I finally accepted the fact that I was actually letting myself start the healing process and it was actually a good thing.

I talked with the priest, started reading a book, and the day before I was supposed to go to the gym came down with food poisoning. I have not exercised - but I have lost weight. So - this weekend - I am going to work out at home and then Monday - back to the gym.

You have no idea how much you all have helped me - I have come on here and read and re-read your posts so many times and I can honestly say that I feel the heart in your posts.

I still want to scream, cry and roar about just how bleeding wrong this is - but - I have also accepted that I cannot change reality. I guess that is another step in the process.

I just want to say thank you to everyone - you all have no idea how much you have helped me.

Tonia
05-22-2008, 08:45 AM
Thank you for updating us - I often check to see if you have!

I am glad to hear you are starting to heal - you are a very strong woman! Keep up the good work and know that we are still praying for you and your family!

midwife
05-22-2008, 08:58 AM
:hug: