20-Somethings - OT Sex?
05-07-2008, 11:59 PM
i'm leaving in a couple weeks to go see my BF. we havent had sex and i'm really really insecure about him seeing me naked with all the fat and plus some scars from surgery (i had staph last summer and it looks like i got shot in the *** twice lmao). how do u get over the insecurity?
05-08-2008, 12:02 AM
I have never had sex with anyone I wasn't married to but I would think it would be the same with a boy friend. If he cares enough about you for you to have sex with him those things you are worried about aren't going to matter at all. Have you talked to him about this? Maybe talking with him will help you not to worry so much.
05-08-2008, 12:06 AM
no i havent. i know he loves me no matter what. i know he will be wonderful its just my and my dumb brain lol
05-08-2008, 12:17 AM
Ehh... I know it's hard to get passed that kind of self consciousness but we really are our own worst critics. I'm sure your boyfriend will not be thinking about your weight or your scars during sex.
The other thing to consider is it's not completely necessary to take all your clothes off. I had a friend who was having sex with her boyfriend for almost two years before she wanted to take her top off during (and this was someone who is 130lbs, 5'6" and was self conscious about her breast size). He didn't care, but it made her feel more comfortable. Her insecurities had nothing to do with him and (like Shy said) they had discussed this and he understood. This sounds kinda bad (:o) but most guys really don't give a damn if you need to keep your shirt on if it means you're going to be having sex with them. I'm sure your boyfriend cares about you and would be more than happy to do whatever you need to feel comfortable. Once you get over the initial awkwardness I'm sure you'll start to feel more comfortable and enjoy yourself more. That's the most important thing. :)
05-08-2008, 12:24 AM
yeah i know i'm just being dumb, and i am ganna talk to him about it. ive been putting off going to see him because i wanted to lose more weight first, but ur right, if u cant love me when i look like this then i dont need him in my life. i mean even when i do get down to my ideal weight i might not stay there my whole life (i'm ganna work like **** too tho). anyways thanks, i feel a lot better.
05-08-2008, 01:05 AM
hey girl, i know exactly what you are going through. Actually you and me started out at the same weight! I'm down to 309 now, 11 pounds down...yay!! But anyway, It was very hard for me to get undressed around my husband the first time. I was so scared, but you know what, he turned out to love it. He loves the way I look, and the way i feel. He was kind of sad when he found out i started dieting, He is in Florida and I'm in Massachusetts, * i am a travel nurse* and I can't see him until June 14th. So i may be about 25 pounds smaller then. But he is happy i'm getting healthy. I think that if your boyfriend knows what's good for him he will love you no matter what! I hope you two have a great time!!
05-08-2008, 01:25 AM
I had massive insecurities about having sex
- because my boobs are almost non existent -
I used to think that I just didn't look womanly enough or that I was a joke and the guy would just laugh or be disgusted. It took a long time before I'd have sex without a top on and I even dumped one boyfriend who was seriously sweet and charming because I couldn't bare to let him see me naked AND thats when I was about 125 pounds!
I eventually realised that it didn't matter and that I have what I was given and there are other bits of me that more than make up for the lack of breasts and from that point confidence grew I guess.
Like the others girls have said - he loves you for you and wont care about an extra wobbly bit! My current guy was aghast when I mentioned a boob job. He was like, you wouldn't DARE! I LOVE your body!
Needless to say...sex was not a problem that night :P
Just enjoy the moment and being with your boyfriend :)
05-08-2008, 01:57 AM
The thing that I've noticed about guys is that, yeah, they notice your flaws when you point them out, but they really don't see them on their own. They're much more into the whole picture, or maybe just the parts they want to see more of ;-)
Your boyfriend MUST think you're attractive, whether you see "all the fat" (in your words!) or not. I think we ALL have things we don't think are physically perfect in our mates, but it doesn't matter because we love the whole package (mind, body, soul, and bad habits included!) enough to not care. Hopefully if you're down to that little clothing, the last thing on your mind will be how you look ;-)
I found that some things I really hated (my big butt...huge thighs, too) are things my boyfriend actually loved!! When I was in bed post.....ahem.....*parcheesi* the other day, BF said "I know you've lost weight.....but did your butt really have to get smaller?? I MISS IT!" And I just about died -- I've always hated how big my butt is and I didn't even THINK that that might be what he liked a lot!
The point is, with any guy worth being with, if he's willing to spend the time to GET you naked, he probably REALLY wants to see you naked!! Best of luck, I know this stuff can be hard.
05-08-2008, 02:18 AM
There's lots of great advice here.
I don't think I had sex with the lights on until after I was married. In other words, I was way more comfortable in the dark. That being said, candle light makes everyone look great! Plus, it's so romantic.
It sounds like he loves you for you, so I wouldn't stress about it too much. He's probably just as self conscious about himself as you are about yourself!
05-08-2008, 03:11 AM
in all honest id be the same if i was 125lbs as i was at 196lbs....
it takes me ages to feel comfortable enuf with anyone to be able to have sex with them....
if they understand this they do tend to wait....
and be understanding...
i think its a time every one gets insecure....
05-08-2008, 02:41 PM
Seriously, when you have sex just focus on having sex and don't think about all that other crap...."ie I'm fat, he must not like me, I must explain to him why I'm this way".....Try and act confident even if you don't feel that way. Confidence is sexy....insecurity is not.
This is a funny semi related video that made me think about sex diffrently....It's stand up comedy by Carlos Mencia...IMO the message while a little vulgar is compleately true. I think comedy is really one of the few communication methods that allow people to be compleatly honest....sort of like back in midevil times when the court jester was the only one who could tell the truth in the court(because he made jokes about it) when Kings had strict rules about only saying what they wanted them to.
05-08-2008, 04:25 PM
I am SOOO not going to lie, That video is HILARIOUS! While it does make me think about sex differently also.
OP- I wrote a blog about this sorta thing awhile back and someone commented that, "I think a guy would be much more attracted to you if you had confidence in yourself and could accept your body how it is at your current weight, than if you lost a ton of weight and still hated your body. I think guys are much more attracted to confidence and personality than what the scale says."
That right there changed my whole outlook on myself. I may not have the PERFECT body, but no one does and I do like certain things about my body. I focus on those and like others above me, men don't notice them until you point them out.