100 lb. Club - OT - when does it get to be our chance in the sun on Mother's Day?




Jen
05-07-2008, 01:26 PM
I love my mom, of course I do and I don't think I have ever forgotten Mother's Day. I send her a card, give her a call and have on occasion and I could afford it send her flowers and when she lived closer I would generally run down to see her. At present she lives a 90 minute car drive one way so going to see her pretty much takes up several hours and by the time I get home I am too tired to do anything else. Yesterday she calls and asks if we are coming down this weekend and I said that I hadn't thought about it and why would we be coming down? Because it's mother's day she says. Well I'm a mother too I say and she really didn't have a reply to that. It is also my birthday next week so she has bought me a plant and as she figured I would be coming down for mother's day that is when she was going to give it to me but as I said I probably wasn't she is going to drive up sometime next week. Okay I have a full-time job, a husband, a 6 year old son, a house to maintain and I'm 22 weeks pregnant, she doesn't work, divorced, lives in an apartment, is fully capable of getting in the car and driving up to see me. I am at a loss as to why it is always supposed to be me that has to drive to see her. My SIL is in exactly the same boat. The onus is always on us to do the visiting and whatnot on these sorts of days. When do we get to stay home and let parents come to visit us? We had a similar situation with Christmas, we were all supposed to drive to my husband's parents house when they don't have a house capable of sitting all their children, spouses and grandchildren. Finally 3 years ago I invited everyone to my house and since then we have taken turns hosting Xmas between myself and my SILs. I think it is a natural progression that it is our turn to be the parents and our parents need to accept that fact that we've families of our own. If my mom couldn't drive or lived 20 minutes away it would be an entirely different story. Am I being selfish? Any thought, opinions or similar stories?


PhotoChick
05-07-2008, 01:29 PM
Not selfish at all. I think it's time to start issuing invitations for your mom to come see you on mother's day.

"Hey Mom - we want to treat you to dinner at our place on Mother's Day. Can you come at 5:30?"

One thing that has always been a pet peeve of mine is that because my husband and I don't have children, it's assumed that we can travel cross country for every holiday just as a matter of course. Very frustrating, so I sympathise entirely.

.

shelby897
05-07-2008, 01:43 PM
Does she feel uncomfortable inviting herself to your house? Sometimes I wish my parents did -- they live 3 1/2 hours away and will call when they are 1/2 from my house to say they are "stopping in" -- with two kids - this is a crisis!!!:dizzy:

When I was single, I visited at least one weekend a month -- now we spend maybe one holiday a year with my family. We still haul the kids to my father in laws for holidays which, I wouldn't mind, if some of my husband's family was a little more interesting to hang out with!! :D

It appears you and your sister-in-law get along -- I think it's time to start sharing the load!! Divide up the holidays and invite the parent's/in-laws -- you are more than within your right to want to stay home -- I always think that's easier on the kids -- own rules, toys, etc.

My sister and I tend to plan a "1/2 way trip" for a brunch or something every once in a while for father or mother's day -- so no one has to do the whole trip and no one has to clean their house. Another benefit from this is when you are ready to go -- you don't have to push people out the door!!!


Lyn2007
05-07-2008, 04:33 PM
I dunno, I guess I would say try inviting her in advance next Mothers Day... if not ON Mother's Day, maybe a day or two before, for some special time together. Then you can have Mother's Day with your DH and child on Sunday.

I used to feel kind of annoyed that my Mother would never come and visit me (she lived a plane trip away so it wasn't easy). I always had to come see her. But then in 2001 she died very suddenly, and now yes I have Mother's Day all to myself but I wish I had a mom to send flowers to.

suzie76
05-07-2008, 06:22 PM
Jen,

I could have written your post, except my mom lives an hour away. Every year we're supposed to drop everything for Mother's Day and do something for HER. Heck, not just mother's day. It isn't even considered that my sisters and I are mom's also. My mom didn't even give any of us Mother's Day cards until my oldest niece was eleven! Now my mom and two sisters aren't speaking to each other, and everything is left up to me. My mom is on vacation and won't get home until 5/9. I have no clue what we're doing, and I also would like to do something for my mother in law. My mother in law is the total opposite. She said "do not spend any money on her or take her out to eat." Wish my mom felt the same way. I hate going out on holidays.

I really dislike the holiday, to be honest...except of course for the cards and things my son makes-along with spending time with him and getting extra hugs and kisses! that's my absolute favorite part.

Hugs, and congrats on expecting.

Take care,
Sherry

JayEll
05-07-2008, 07:54 PM
Sounds like someone is really grumpy. Maybe you just should forget about Mother's day this year? Doesn't sound like a good time... :dunno: My mother has passed away, too, and I would give a lot if I could drive anywhere and see her... but I am not a mother myself and don't have a lot of household responsibilities. I'd say, you and she need to talk about it. No point in hurting her feelings, or getting yours hurt, over this.

Jay

ladybugnessa
05-07-2008, 08:09 PM
i'm a mom both bio mom and stepmom raising my SD, my MIL is only 8 yrs older than I am and my biomother is dead over 12 years now.

we pretty much ignore the holiday.

Apple Cheeks
05-07-2008, 09:06 PM
I'm going to play devil's advocate, because my first thoughts were about what your mom's mindset might be. Here are a few possibilities:

Maybe it just never occurred to her that you are a mom, too, and that you would really appreciate it if she made the effort to come see you. That sounds funny, but some people seem to have a hard time accepting that their children are grown and have families of their own to think about. They just expect that things will continue as they always have, because it's "tradition" and the only thing they have known.

I also was thinking that it might be kind of like celebrating your birthday the same way every year for decades, then someone comes along with the same birthday as yours and steals a little bit of your thunder. You may think "Hey! I was here first--this is my day!"

She may think that because she's your mother, and has paid her dues already, that she deserves it. Maybe she went through the same thing with her mother, and expects you to accept it as she did.



When I moved out of my parents house I was only living about 15 minutes away. Yet, I was the one who would come over regularly to visit them, even though I made it clear, often, that I would love to have them over at any time. They almost never came over to see me: I always had to trek over to their place. And yes, I was disappointed and it did kind of hurt my feelings.

I think my mother only came over maybe 3 times over the course of 7 years. She seemed uncomfortable and out-of-sorts when she did visit, so maybe that's why she didn't do it more often (I can't ask her, since she passed away a few years ago).

I think she just liked being at her own home, puttering around the kitchen and so on, and would rather have visitors than be one. Maybe your mom is the same?

wendymeows
05-08-2008, 01:52 PM
My dh and I both visit our mothers on mother's day no matter what is going on. We have two kids and a very busy lifestyle but we still do it. My main reason being a mom myself is what if when my children grow up and have families of their own, they decide not to visit me on such a special holiday...it would break my heart. Our children will have many more mother's days with us and as we get older, our mother's days with ours are numbered. I try to explain this to my brother all the time because he thinks he is too busy...I just tell him that I hope he gets past that way of thinking before it's too late.

Czarria
05-08-2008, 02:23 PM
I wish I had some input,...fortunately, or unfortunately not sure which) my mother is to messed up on drugs to care about being my mother, much less about mothers day...and I don't have kids. So this holiday pretty much means crap to me.

Jen
05-08-2008, 02:41 PM
Thanks everyone for their replies. I wouldn't say that I am really grumpy or angry about this issue, it is more of a vent and wondering if I'm the only one whose mom and MIL act like this. It felt like it had to be a universal trait so I wasn't sure. I also get those of you whose mothers have passed away and you wish she was around so you could go and see her. I appreciate where you are coming from and I'm sorry that your moms aren't around anymore. I know I will be a wreck when my mom dies no matter what our relationship is, your mom is always your mom.

I can also appreciate what wendymeows is saying about wanting her own kids to come and see her when they are older and out of the house and that is definately something that I want as well. But I want my kids to come because they love me and it is not an inconvenience or a chore. My mom and my husband's parents have turned a lot of special days and holidays into that because they turn it into a big guilt trip (not my mom so much but my husband's mom in particular). There is a lot of crazy stuff going on right now with my husband's family, you would not believe the drama those people generate, it is like a soap opera.

I'm not especially close to my mom, I love her but I'm not all that close to her and sometimes spending time with her can be very difficult. She is very opinionated, always has been as far back as I can remember and I think I am a bit more tolerant and diplomatic about other people. She tends to critisize a lot and gets her feeling hurt when people don't take her advice especially me and my brother about raising our kids.

Is there anybody out there who doesn't come from a dysfunctional family? :)

xGurlyGrlx
05-08-2008, 02:44 PM
Is there anybody out there who doesn't come from a dysfunctional family? :)

NOPE! I would say we are all messed up in one way or another! :lol3:

suzie76
05-08-2008, 03:21 PM
Jen,

Your mother sounds so much like mine!

Hugs,
Sherry

Tonia
05-08-2008, 06:27 PM
Jen,
Don't feel like you are being selfish. You are right, you are a mom, too! However, I would think about how to approach it next time. Inviting her to your house before an issue arises is a great idea - and if she cannot/will not come you have done your part.

ladybugnessa
05-08-2008, 06:30 PM
NOPE! I would say we are all messed up in one way or another! :lol3:


oh heck we put the FUN in dysfunction.

wendymeows
05-08-2008, 06:37 PM
Is there anybody out there who doesn't come from a dysfunctional family? :)


My family has become so dysfunctional that we could probably score a spot on Jerry Springer! *lol*:dizzy::dizzy:

murphmitch
05-08-2008, 10:01 PM
My mom didn't even give any of us Mother's Day cards until my oldest niece was eleven!


My mom has never given any of us Mother's Day cards. We give them to her. My kids and husband give them to me.

My husband once told me "I'm not your mother." I told him he was in big trouble if he didn't treat me right on Mother's Day. LOL! I made him take me out for breakfast one Mother's Day when I was six months pregnant. We had gone to church and by the time we got to the restaurant, they were out of cinnamon rolls. I had my heart set on cinnamon rolls, so I made him take me to a second restaurant. They were too busy to even serve us. I cried and was very emotional. I laugh now when I think about it. But boy was I mad then!

I always try to call my mom and send flowers to her. My mom has eight kids so she gets a lot of flowers and a lot of phone calls. My siblings that live in my hometown will drop in and spend time with her. I'm hoping my family takes me out for breakfast! Maybe a cinnamon roll for a treat! :D

Shy Moment
05-08-2008, 11:30 PM
I never had a problem going to my parents house or the hubby's parents house when I didn't have children. Much easier for my young body to get out of the house than their old body's lol. After I had children it was easier for them to come to our house. They didn't have to drag stuff with them to take care of the kids. Now that my kids are older and the parents are older we do the traveling again. If you are the one with the child, and the full time job I don't see why she can't come to your house as long as their isn't a physical or medical reason why she can't.

Jen
05-09-2008, 09:50 AM
I If you are the one with the child, and the full time job I don't see why she can't come to your house as long as their isn't a physical or medical reason why she can't.

This drives my SIL in particular nuts with her own parents because she had 2 little ones 2 years apart so it was especially a pain to go anywhere because they always had to bring tons of stuff with them. They'd have a baby swing, 2 car seats, at least 2 diaper bags and toys. It seemed a major undertaking to go anywhere. Meanwhile her parents would be visiting other friends in the same city their daughter lived in, practically on the same street and couldn't be bothered to either drop in for a quick visit or call and say that they were going to be visiting nearby and could they stop in for a few minutes. Something like that would have gone a long way with her but now they are virtually estranged.

Shy Moment
05-09-2008, 10:17 AM
I had that problem with my parents when my kids were 4 and a newborn. I would tell them, you live as close to me as I live to you and you only have yourself to drag around.

Sandi
05-09-2008, 10:35 AM
My mother and My MIL live 5 minutes away from me, so travel is never a problem. My mom and I are very close. We go to water aerobics twice a week and I spend every Thursday night at her house.

When Jake was young, I think I felt the "what about me" feelings, but now, I just want to have a pleasant day. I planned Brunch at my house for my mom & my brother will come. My mom was a little hesitant, "Its your mothers day too, it just doesn’t seem right that you should have to cook" But I like to cook breakfast and it will make for a nicer day than being at a busy restaurant. The next day my MIL calls and informs us that she is having a Mother's Day brunch at her house. Boy, she was not very happy to hear that we wouldn't be coming because we were having something at our house for my mom. We are having her over for dinner on Saturday night instead, but I still don't think she's very happy!!

So I guess my point is that close or not, any holiday can still be difficult to coordinate.

Lyn2007
05-09-2008, 01:23 PM
As I read this thread I realized I had never even thought of sending a Mothers day card to my child (when they are mothers). I am sure every family has their own traditions though, but I don't imagine I will be sending Mothers Day gifts to my daughters and daughters-in-law. I sort of assumed the cards/gifts went child to parent, or daughters in law to mothers in law. It never occured to me to expect a Mothers day gift from my mom or MIL. Maybe our family just does it differntly though. Good to set ground rules if things are being misunderstood.

FB
05-09-2008, 01:55 PM
This thread has had me thinking since I first read it. I'm the first to moan about running everywhere on holidays, especially Mother's Day.

Then I started thinking about my son. He's only 4 now, but someday if he's married with kids they will feel the same way. I suppose I would be pretty sad if they couldn't see me or didn't want to. Just hurt.

I guess for now, I'll just suck it up and act gracious as always. I have to remember that our mothers likely did the same. Maybe it's our turn to be in the sun when we're older and everyone runs to see us?

I'm usually most bothered running to see my MIL who demands most of our day and never tells me 'Happy Mother's Day'. I guess she just overlooks it. I agree with Lyn, I don't need a present or card- those are for moms and I'm not my MIL's mother (how Jerry Springer would THAT be???) but simple acknowledgment or respect for my time that day would be cool.

Sandi
05-09-2008, 02:02 PM
I just got off the phone with hubby. He was out and was going to pick up cards. I told him to buy one for his mom and his grandma. "But she's not my mom" he says. *sigh* I know she's not his mom, but isn't it just respectful to give a card to Grandma too? I have no grandparents and feel he doesn't appreciate his.

Am I way off? What about Grandparents.

Czarria
05-09-2008, 04:18 PM
Sandi, I'm with you on that one. I always get my grandmother a mothers day gift. My grandmother practically raised me when my mother and stepmother didn't want me, so... it's appropriate in my situation. I don't know. Without them, we still wouldn't be here......

My sister and boyfriend take turns giving me mothers day cards from my cats. TEEHEE.