40-Somethings - Being Sexually Attractive




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dscheppke
04-27-2008, 11:08 AM
I have more than a few pounds left to go before this will start to happen again, but I would like to hear if anyone else has this problem.

As long as I am overweight, no one notices me. I am invisible. Then when I start to get into a weight that is considered attractive by the opposite sex, I freak out when I start getting attention. I am so not used to it. Does anyone else feel this way?

You would think that I should be so happy to receive this kind of attention, but when you are so used to being invisible, for me it is very hard to take and I don't know how to respond. BTW I have been married for 20 years and it is not like I am looking to be attractive to guys in general. Also, it kinda makes me mad that "all of a sudden" I am "worthy" of their attention, and no one noticed that I was the same person before!

Any good advice for me?:^: I would appreciate any help cuz I think this is part of the reason that I actually "like" being overweight, if you can imagine that!? It is comfortable for me not to be noticed, I guess...


Dinahgirl
04-27-2008, 11:18 AM
Unlike my earlier years, I am not comfortable with attention from the opposite sex anymore. It makes me feel creepy. And considering you and I are married, no wonder we feel that way.

I don't know what kind of "attention" you receive, but there are several things you can say depending on what might be said to you. For instance, I hate it when my male supervisor says I look nice or my new haircut looks nice. It isn't that he is coming on to me. He just doesn't realize how it makes me feel. So one time I said to him "Yes, my husband thinks so, too." That ended that! You could say "I'll let my husband know that you appreciate my new look" (with a laugh of course). Husbands are handy to use in circumstances like this.

You could also just ignore the attention, or say "thank you" or give them a dirty look. But certainly you are not so powerless as to choose being overweight over being how you want to be, just because of some comments.

fiberlover
04-27-2008, 11:29 AM
I am turning the big 40 in a little over a month. I get way more attention from men now than I ever have before. Even though I am not at goal yet, I am very proportional.
My hubby loves the attention I get, I kind of like it but it makes me uncomfortable at the same time. Men will talk to me when we are out shopping, and DH is like 10 steps away. He says it is because I am hot (his words LOL), and I seem very approachable because I smile a lot and look friendly. ???

There is this tiny (or maybe not so tiny.....) part of me that expects someone to call me names or insult me when they start to talk to me. Had too much of that growing up, and it is hard to divest myself of those feelings.


KD4154
04-27-2008, 11:34 AM
I know exactly how you feel. It's like "Why are YOU flirting with ME?!"

hahaha, but it's something I could get used to...



...after all, I'm young and on the prowl. :)

KO
04-27-2008, 11:45 AM
As long as their not trying to touch you or say suggestive things. I say enjoy it! Heavy or thin I have always gotten male attention.
You probably carry yourself with more confidence now to be honest. and regardless of size that attracts people. Whether it be someone holding the door for you or telling you you have a nice haircut.

Tamaroot
04-27-2008, 12:24 PM
As long as I am overweight, no one notices me. I am invisible.

This. Even among my friends I would talk and make suggestions and am completely ignored (I know...nice friends huh). It's infuriating.

I hadn't seen any of them for two weeks and in that process I got my hair done dropped a few more pounds (90 total!) and when I saw them next there were several compliments and, holy balls, sometimes when I spoke people listened. Not often, but hey it's a start.

Weird how that works. I'm torn between being thrilled and dumping them for a new set of friends...jerks...

Sapphdia
04-27-2008, 02:23 PM
Interesting topic! Although I am nowhere near my goal weight, I have made a conscious decision to enjoy life and not apologize for who I am or what I look like. I am fly! PERIOD! Shorter hair or longer weave. High heels or flats. Suit or sweat pants. I am that chick! Men SHOULD be giving us attention! lol

You're right, though. The attention does take getting used, but I firmly believe, that we should not balk at compliments. Why? You worked hard to get to where you are now and you deserve all of the rewards and kudos that you missed out on. I went to Barbados alone as a gift to myself for graduating college and I was really nervous about the attention that I heard that single women get. I wasn't used to getting that kind of reaction here. I went and bought a $10 CZ wedding type ring and it did help out a lot. :p But I also learned to just smile and say thank you and not argue or wonder about why I was being showered with compliments and attention.

As long as the guys keep the compliments above board, you should be cordial, of course, and say thank you and keep it moving. If they want your number, just hold up your ring finger, smile, and say, "He's not into 3s company" or something cute like that. My trick is to always keep walking. If a guy says something to me while I am walking, I may turn a little, smile, and say thank you, but I never stop. Stopping is an invitation to continue the conversation and that is not what we want. I hope this helps!

Beach Patrol
04-28-2008, 11:15 AM
I've been a flirt all my life (since I was a baby, my mom says, LOL!) and I enjoy male attention. I am happily married (15 years May 15th - woot!) and I get attention fat or skinny. I honestly think it's my personality. I'm just "that kind" of person.

However, if ANY attention makes you feel uncomfortable, then SAY THAT to the person who is giving you the unwanted attention. Be direct; be firm, but be polite. There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking your mind. And like Sapphdia said "I also learned to just smile and say thank you and not argue or wonder about why I was being showered with compliments and attention." Compliments are a GOOD THING. ;) :D

vegani
04-28-2008, 03:10 PM
I'm a lesbian so male attention makes me roll my eyes in general, but I do know what you're talking about. However, I think everyone has a physical type they're attracted to, so I don't really see it as an affront that people are attracted to me now who weren't 120 pounds ago. What bothers me, though, are acquaintances and the like who treat me better now, as if I wasn't the same (good enough) person before, KWIM?

Beach Patrol
04-28-2008, 03:57 PM
I'm a lesbian so male attention makes me roll my eyes in general, but I do know what you're talking about. However, I think everyone has a physical type they're attracted to, so I don't really see it as an affront that people are attracted to me now who weren't 120 pounds ago. What bothers me, though, are acquaintances and the like who treat me better now, as if I wasn't the same (good enough) person before, KWIM?

I would flirt with someone who is "more chubby" than someone who is "way skinny". And strange as it may seem to some of us, a lot of people out there DO LIKE bigger women.

Sweetcaroline
04-28-2008, 06:23 PM
I know exactly what you mean. For me its hitting Onederland... twice in the last year I was there and started to get attention from guys. I was 199 for about a second panicked... the real me was starting to emerge...OMG that is too scary... and up the scale I went again...
The other thing that bothered me a lot was, once I was thinner, like magic, co-workers and so-called friends suddenly had friends and brothers that they wanted me to fix me up with... are you kiddin me ??? geez where were these guys 4 months ago ???.... I had to do some 'house-cleaning' in the friend area.... I'm way too old to be wasting time with 'friends' that can't see that I am the same person, medium or large. I'll soon hit Onederland again and keep going no matter what... the walls of fear are coming down...

dscheppke
04-29-2008, 07:24 PM
Thanks for all the encouragement and I hope this time when I get to this point I will be able to rationalize it in my head. It is hard for me to go from being invisible to being noticed.:dizzy:

Caroline, you sound like you might feel exactly the way I do, so at least I am not the only one who feels this way!

Thanks for all the chatter on this topic!

PhotoChick
05-01-2008, 11:24 PM
I am not comfortable with attention from the opposite sex anymore. It makes me feel creepy. And considering you and I are married, no wonder we feel that way.I'm sorry but I have a real problem with this comment. I am married and I do NOT consider a compliment or an admiring look from a man to be "creepy".

Are we supposed to become invisible because we're married? I enjoy being attractive, looking good, and having people notice that - male and female.

.

KO
05-02-2008, 08:20 AM
AMEN!
That being said if it is a creepy guy. . .and One of DH's friends who is creepy has a thing for me (his wife is HATCHET FACE) You tell them go to Blank off and have a nice day.
and Just because you have a band on your finger doesn't stop you from stopping traffic!

LetsGoMets
05-02-2008, 10:54 AM
Just to add my $.02, I have no problem with some male attention (I'm married). Obviously, within proper boundries, of course, and those boundries could certainly be very, very different for each woman. But hey, it's quite nice at times. It can remind me that I'm still a vital, interesting person. I love men - that's why I married one. They can be complete dingleberries at times, but for the most part, they're pretty cool. And I agree with PhotoChick: I enjoy being attractive, looking good, and having people notice that - male and female.

snowgator
05-07-2008, 08:53 PM
I am single, and totally agree with the comment about being overweight and "invisible". It happens pretty much weekly to me. My friends who have lost weight say it is amazing how that changes.......a sad commentary on men.

aerogora
05-07-2008, 09:20 PM
I agree, I am married but if I see another man looking my way or if he starts up a conversation with me, then I am very flattered. I love the attention.

It does make me alittle aggrivated because I get more attention and men are nicer to me now that I am losing weight. I have noticed that doors are held open for me now and before at my biggest weight, 225, I did feel invisible. But I try not to let it bother me and be happy that I will never be at that weight again.

Boomcha
05-12-2008, 08:46 PM
General question:

Do you think people treat you differently (often better) when you're losing or have lost weight because of the weight loss or are they responding to you behaving differently because you feel differently about yourself?

I am a strong believer that it's the latter.

If you feel invisible, everything about how you carry yourself, speak and your body language will communicate that in very subtle ways and people will treat you accordingly. It's the same for confidence - when you feel confident - even if you don't think you are behaving any differently, you actually are. And your friends may not even realize that they are treating you differently - they are just responding to you differently.

It's just unfortunate that many of us only gain confidence or feel worthy of attention at a smaller size.

PhotoChick
05-12-2008, 08:50 PM
Do you think people treat you differently (often better) when you're losing or have lost weight because of the weight loss or are they responding to you behaving differently because you feel differently about yourself?

I am a strong believer that it's the latter.
I, too, believe that it's the latter. I've never considered myself shy or lacking self esteem, even at my heaviest. But about 3 weeks ago, a professional peer of mine told me that the change in my personality in the last 6 months or so has been startling ... that I seemed to carry myself with more pride and that I definitely seemed more self confident. I was AMAZED ... because I never thought I lacked those qualities before. It really blew my mind that he saw that change in me when I had no idea.

So I think a lot of the "why are we invisible when we're fat" really is about US and less about other people.

.

ToniLight
06-23-2008, 12:55 PM
I have regained weight when confronted by my feelings about mens' attention. I was molested by too many people when young and developed fat as a shield. Even knowing that didn't make the feeling go away. I know I will have to deal with it again but my husband and therapist are helping me change my reactions and perceptions. I am so happy to finally see some hope. I am tired of my own self sabatauge.

djay
06-23-2008, 01:48 PM
Part of what I want from this weight loss is attention from the opposite sex. There...I said it...Call me shallow all you want but I am tired of being invisible. I think there are men that like me but you can't change what they are attracted to. It's not their fault that fat is not a turn on for them. It isn't for me either. I think one reason that I got and stayed fat was to avoid male attention.
My husband was the jealous type so it was actually easier when I gained weight. After he passed away,I gained even more. I didn't care at the time because frankly I didn't care that much about living...I wanted to be invisable.
This journey is about so much more than weight loss to me. It is my journey back to life. I may as well been dead for the past 3 years. But that is in the past. I am ready to live life again and I don't need this weight holding me back. Especially if there is someone out there that wants to live it with me!