100 lb. Club - Slight vent




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Lyn2007
04-23-2008, 11:06 PM
My husband has never been very supportive of my weight loss efforts. He used to always tell me "I am not attrected to skinny women" and "you can lose weight eating cookies, ice cream, chips, butter, fried chicken... just have to not overeat them." Um, yeah. And he has never said a word, not a single word about my weight loss.

Anyway over the last few months he seemed to be getting more supportive. I had asked him not to buy some things, like cases of candy bars, dozens of giant bakery muffins, etc. I don't mind if HE gets a candy bar or two or three for HIMSELF or a couple donuts for him, but I dont want tons of it sitting around for days. I don't want my kids eating that crap either. So he starting trying to help out by getting chips he knew I didn't like much, or smaller servings of stuff. He is out of town for weeks on end.

Last time he went out of town, the DAY before he left, he bought several bags of snacks like chips and cheetos and left them in the kitchen. Now he is back again and he just went shopping and came home with full fat sour cream, a couple half gallons of ice cream, a HUGE giant bag of chips, a big jug of "fake" sugary raspberry lemonade, and I dont even know what else. I know it's his $$ and I should just suck it up. He has the right to eat what he wants. But frankly he is 60 pounds overweight anyway and I am trying to teach my kids (his stepkids) to eat healthy. This makes it HARD. I just wish I had more support. Thankfully when he goes out of town I just throw it all away if it is bothering me.

Okay, thanks for listening!! (PMS coming on...)


JulieJ08
04-23-2008, 11:55 PM
Maybe he really just needs a reminder. Some people really do just keep forgetting things like that. After all it's not really about them, and if you remind them, they say, oh yeah, sure, sorry.

Goddess Jessica
04-24-2008, 12:18 AM
Bwhahaha! I just love that you throw it out once he leaves. That's awesome.

It sounds like a difficult situation and it may be "his money" but remember it's also your house too! Let him know that it really screws up your environment. Maybe you can designate a cabinet for his crap? In my house, real soda does not come through the front door and "bad" foods that need to be refrigerated go in the crisper drawer (out of sight, out of mind). I mean, that crisper drawer was doomsville for veggies for a long time, might as well make it useful! :)

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. On the bright side, most of the stuff you named sounds wretched!


jitterfish
04-24-2008, 04:43 AM
Designating a cupboard for him is a good idea, I like that and might have to instigate that for my other half!

JayEll
04-24-2008, 06:40 AM
I like the idea of giving him a separate cupboard, too, if you have the room.

And it's not HIS money. Assuming you are legally married, it's both of your money. As partners in a marriage, you have just as much right as he does to have or not have foods around.

Hang in there!

Jay

kittycat40
04-24-2008, 07:08 AM
Put his cabinet in the garage!!

Good for you for taking care of yourself and your kids!! :):):)

GirlyGirlSebas
04-24-2008, 07:42 AM
Well....I'm a little hard core about this stuff, so what I have to say may be controversial for some.

I am on this journey for my health and to teach my children how to eat. Tons of junk in the house sends the wrong message to my children. I want them to consider that stuff to be an occasional treat, not a daily habit. Hopefully, they can develop healthy relationships with food and avoid a lifetime of battling the fat. If this stuff is in the house, my children only want the junk...constantly...and nothing healthy. Apple or chips? You guessed it...the chips will win every time. Also, our home is my one area that I should feel comfortable and at ease. I can not be at ease if I'm constantly getting "called" by the off-plan treats in the house. For years, I put myself last in everything. I left my health behind me many years ago. But, what message does this send to my children? I have two daughters. Do I want them to sacrifice themselves for the good of everyone else? Don't they deserve health and happiness, too? Are the desires of their future husbands and children to always supercede what is best for them?

I've had talks with my husband and he has agreed to help me and our children by not bringing that stuff into the house. On the occasions when he does go on a "binge" and brings in several bags of cookies, chips, regular soda....I simply throw the @#$% out! Believe me, it didn't take long for him to get the message....'Be the supportive and loving husband you signed up to be.....or, I'll take matters into my own hands!' No more self sacrifice and killing myself.

Tonia
04-24-2008, 09:05 AM
I was thinking what Rhonda said...maybe instead of focusing on the weight loss benefits encourage him to focus on the health benefits of not eating all that junk.

Good luck!

ThisTimeIsDifferent
04-24-2008, 09:34 AM
[QUOTE=kittycat40;2166036]Put his cabinet in the garage!!

LOL! :lol::lol:

I would have a sit down with him, and explain that your really trying to change your, and the kid's eating habits, and he's putting a huge damper on that by setting a bad example.

findingfawn
04-24-2008, 10:07 AM
I'm sure he doesn't have intentions of sabatoging you, but I know it's hard. Last week one day I sent my hubby to the store for bread and who knows what else.. he comes home looks in the bag and says "oh s*@%" I was like what.. he blushes and says "I was supposed to eat the evidence". He bought a snickers bar and forgot to eat it on the way home... he has agreed to take this journey with me so I was kinda POed. I sat the candy aside and served up dinner... then when dinner was over right in front of him I opened the candy bar, called the kids over to me and split it between them! I don't think he expected that! The other day we were heading out and he stopped at the store and picked up a big pack of cookies... now I don't mind the kids having animal cookies, but I do try to keep the sugary cookies out of the house... I could have beat him... it is very hard to stay away from that crap when it is in the house! I am managing, but it is still not fun!

I do like the giving him his own cupboard, We have started stashing all the snack foods in our bedroom, so it's not in the kitchen when we go looking for something to munch on, and also we have to think about it before we go get it. I was afraid I would find myself in there binging myself into euphoria, but so far it hasn't even occurred to me to do such a thing.

Robin41
04-24-2008, 10:29 AM
Maybe a straightforward conversation about the mutual respect and care it takes to make a marriage work would be in order.

So he actively sabatoges your efforts and has never said a single nice word about the fact that you've lost almost 50 pounds. Not to be too blunt but is he a jerk in other ways or is it confined to the weight and food issue?

My husband has been incredible through all of this. Supportive, complimentary, just basically fantastic. I tell him these stories about some of the husbands around here and he is amazed at how they act. It frustrates me that there are so many other men out there who are just basically selfish.

I'm sorry you're not getting more help from your family. You're still doing amazingly well and should be really proud of yourself.

Trazey34
04-24-2008, 10:32 AM
I'm lucky in that DH doesn't care for sweets or junk, and just eats a lot of FOOD instead - he'd eat anything I put in front of him, bless him LOL. When I make a salad with sliced chicken say for dinner, he eats it, says it was terrific, and then about an hour later makes himself a couple sandwiches LOL

I like the idea of a separate cupboard! I don't know that I'd like someone throwing food away that I'd bought for myself (unhealthy and gonna kill me or not!) in the garbage, that could cause some resentment I fear. Before I knew & accepted what was the best stuff for me to eat, I would have gotten the rage if someone decided FOR ME that no donuts were allowed in the house grrrr I'd be mad! But a separate spot where he can have what he likes and you don't even have to ever open it! if you're too tempted put a lock on it and he can have the key!

Lyn2007
04-24-2008, 10:38 AM
LOL! I love the responses here. I guess we are all in the same boat in some ways.

I do think sometimes that he wants me to stop losing weight. Thus the comments about liking me fat, etc. Well I have to tell you, last year I told him I didnt want any soda in the house (unless he buys a can or two for himself, but the kids and I dont need it). Well he went out and bought 4 cases of Coke. Now, my husband never drinks Coke, and my kids don't either because of caffeine. So it was just for me. I have a hard time resisting Coke. Thankfully he has not done that again since I told him I would throw it all away. And he used to buy literally a case of candy bars and when I objected to them he put them in OUR bedroom on top of his dresser. I would go in there and see them and eat one. FInally I just put the whole case of Hershey bars into the freezer in the garage. Stuff down in the garage doesn't bother me, so a lot of stuff does go into the freezer so he can thaw out his servings and I dont have to deal with it.

I tried the "his cabinet" thing but it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks... LOL

friendlykat4u
04-24-2008, 10:38 AM
My DH is a wonderful person and is very supportive, also he's concerned about health so he tries to eat better along with me. And with me doing the cooking I can control what I buy/cook.

But I can totally relate b/c my parents live with us and my brother too, all 3 of them eat what they want. I used to cook for everyone, but sometimes they wouldn't eat what I made and would get take out instead. This used to upset me a lot, so I said no more and now I only cook for my DH and myself. My mom tries to cook (she doesn't like it), but then she's faced with the same problem, dad & bro not wanting to eat what she made and wanting take out instead. I keep reminding them that what they're doing isn't healthy, that it isn't about vanity, it's about health. They listen, but still keep buying things they shouldn't eat. I've managed to stay away from their junk, but it's not easy sometimes.

So I know how difficult it can be, even if you "lay down the law", they're all adults and we're all living under the same roof. We all need to learn how to live with each other. I focus on me, I take care of myself 1st, then the rest. I try to keep healthy snacks and cook food I enjoy so I'm not tempted to eat something I'll regret later.

Hang in there, you're doing great, don't let this get you down! :hug:

Lyn2007
04-24-2008, 10:45 AM
Robin, I hate to say it but yes there are other issues as well. I have never had much support from him. It's sort of ridiculous, I guess he is kind of immature (for an older-than-me husband). When my ortho dr told me to ride a recumbent bike, I was so pleased because DH said it was fine to buy one. I thought that was pretty supportive! I ride it almost every day. No one else has any interest in riding it... DH has several "real" bikes and is not interested in a stationary one. But when I say, "Can you watch the toddler so I can go ride my bike?" his answer is, "YOUR bike?" like he is offended that I didn't say "our" @@

Seriously I am on my own with this whole weight loss thing (and a lot of other things...)

GirlyGirlSebas
04-24-2008, 10:54 AM
Seriously I am on my own with this whole weight loss thing (and a lot of other things...)

No, Lyn...you're not alone. We're with you 100% of the way.:hug:

BrandNewJen
04-24-2008, 11:05 AM
Oh Lyn, I'm so sorry to hear that!

MY husband is "trying" to do this along with me, but he works two jobs (by choice!) and he's gone from 8am-9pm every night. I cook nice light dinners for the both of us for when he does come home, but I can't control what he's shoving in his mouth when he's not home with me.

Which is why he's only lost 11 pounds and I've lost 40 during the same period of time. That little sneak...

But... he is incredibly supportive. I've always been the dominant person in the relationship, so I was lucky to be able to kinda just say "this is what's going on. Sorry if you don't like it, but this is how it has to be for me to get healthy" and there was no arguments. But he's been complimentary, when I tell him my weight loss every Wednesday, he's always saying how proud he is of me...

Was your DH unsupportive before you got married? I mean... hmmph... I guess my question to you is: How is being married to him any better than being alone? Just in general, since you say is is overall an unsupportive man...

barbygirl43
04-24-2008, 12:05 PM
:grouphug: I really like Rhonda's way of thinking and have been known to do the same thing, especially with the kids and holiday candy. I let them eat to their heart's content the day they receive and it may get to sit in the house one more day and then it's all trashed. The junk simply does not come into the house. Period. It's not negotiable. Of course Jeff is trying to be healthier as well. We just have different approaches and I respect that. I don't necessarily agree with his way but I respect that he has his way and as long as unhealthy junk isn't brought in, we're good. :D

Hopefulpinkangel
04-24-2008, 12:17 PM
I totally understand where you are coming from. I am lucky that my hubby does try to be supportive most of the time, but I still have to get on him from time to time about buying healthier stuff because I like you want all of us to eat healthier (me, hubby and son included). It must be so hard not to have his total support, but don't let him drag you down with him. You are strong!!!

Lyn2007
04-24-2008, 02:13 PM
Jen, he was SO supportive and he was my best friend for almost 3 years before we got married. Honestly I think he is suffering from depression. He has changed dramatically the last 2 years. He has some stuff going on (mother slowly suffering and waiting for her to die... for TWO years... and his finances being screwed up at the moment, and trying to sell a property while the market is down) and I have seen him get more intorverted and kinda grouchy. I have tried to talk to him about seeing a doctor or a counselor but he is very stubborn. It makes me sad because I knew when we got married that I had finally found my soulmate and he was a great partner. Now it's like... he is all stuck inside his own head and not really partnering much at all anymore. I hope and pray when the situations change he will start feeling better. Or that he will start to see he needs some help.

And Rhonda THANK YOU so much for reminding me I am not alone!! This board is a wonderful support for me. I really appreciate you guys!

findingfawn
04-24-2008, 03:04 PM
First of all, I totally agree with Rhonda.. we are all with you 100%, so don't ever feel alone!

It does sound like he is suffering some sort of depression. Sadly most men are too manly to admit they need some kind of help. Also.. you said things were good before you got married.. another sad thing is sometimes relationships take dramatic turns once you are married. I really hope that things level out for him soon, because you both need them to.

I am very lucky, hubby is very supportive.. even though he does buy candybars and try to smuggle cookies into the house.

Czarria
04-25-2008, 05:56 PM
don't let his lack of support set you back. I know how you feel. Today my grandmother tried to make me eat half of her breakfast, which...was a tortilla filled with strawberry jam, eggs, and cream cheese (disgusting!). I told her "oh. Thanks for supporting my weight loss goals". and she left the room without speaking to me. Think she got it? :D

bargoo
04-25-2008, 06:06 PM
I think it is good that you don't give in and eat the junk food your husband brings home. I wouldn't throw it out, though. I would give it to Second Harvest or a homeless shelter,that way someone can have it that needs it and the money is not wasted .And you wont be tempted.

ladybugnessa
04-25-2008, 06:17 PM
I'm sure he doesn't have intentions of sabatoging you,

I respectfully disagree. I think very much he's sabotaging you. or at least trying to. It's sad that our men are so insecure and think so little of themselves that they think a hot wife is going to be a HOT ex-wife....

I went through this with my DH last year long and it caused me to take a long long break in losing weight because i was concerned about his comfort level. Finally we talked about it a LOT and he told me he thought i was going to leave him when i got thin. He prefers bigger women and I was honestly afraid he would leave me when I got thin.... we worked past it and he's much more comfortable with my losing weight and i've recently started losing again...

my DH btw currently outweighs me by 200 pounds and i'm over 200 still!

Czarria
04-25-2008, 06:36 PM
I respectfully disagree. I think very much he's sabotaging you. or at least trying to. It's sad that our men are so insecure and think so little of themselves that they think a hot wife is going to be a HOT ex-wife....

I went through this with my DH last year long and it caused me to take a long long break in losing weight because i was concerned about his comfort level. Finally we talked about it a LOT and he told me he thought i was going to leave him when i got thin. He prefers bigger women and I was honestly afraid he would leave me when I got thin.... we worked past it and he's much more comfortable with my losing weight and i've recently started losing again...

my DH btw currently outweighs me by 200 pounds and i'm over 200 still!



I think you hit the nail on the head. My boyfriend is heavier...and everytime I mention my "lifestyle change", he tells me "You don't need to lose weight, you shouldn't lose weight, you're perfect. Doctors are full of it". Etc Etc.

He's a heavier boy too, and I think he thinks I'll walk on and get a hot skinny thing if I lose weight..

But i'm not sure how to discuss this with him.

I've repeated the same things over and over again. Like "I'm not doing this cause a doctor said, i'm doing it because I want to feel better." So he's accepted it, and is somewhat supportive. I say somewhat...... I don't feel he is sabotaging me, but I don't think he wants me to succeed either.

Lyn2007
04-25-2008, 09:56 PM
Yeah, I think there is definitely some element of sabotage. My husband is somewhat older than I am. He has gained about 80 pounds over the last 2 years. He sees me getting thinner AND curvier and I think he worried I will find someone younger. But I wouldnt do that. I just want to be healthy.

When he says he isnt attracted to skinny women, I wondered, "are you attracted to women so fat their knees are shot and they are crippled? are you attracted to women lying in a diabetic coma? are you attracted to women having a heart attack on the floor?" Cause that is exactly where I was headed.