20-Somethings - The skinny friend problem

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04-20-2008, 03:33 PM
So I went to dinner with 3 friends last night. We all went to high school together. I still talk to most of them often. Two of my friends are bigger girls somewhere in the 200-250 pound range and I am in the bigger girl category weighing in at 176 lbs and then the other friend is probably 120 pounds soaking wet. We were all enjoying our food and she (skinny friend) kept making comments like "oh I'm such a pig" (after the bigger girls had cleaned their plate and she was still munching on the chips and salsa). THEN she had commented that she had bought a bikini and that she needed to lose her so-called lovehandles (I guess she is talking about skin because there is hardly any fat an her body)!!!! I was so agrivated :mad: that she would make those comments in front of 3 big girls!! I love her to death, but my gosh she can really make you feel like crap! Does anyone else have this "skinny friend" problem???? And do you ever say anything to her???? :?:

04-20-2008, 03:41 PM
I have that problem! My cousin--who I just love because she's a really great person--is constantly making comments like that. She is about 5'1 and weighs around 105 (if that). whenever I see her, she often makes comments like "oh I need to lose weight" and "wow, ive gained so much weight!" . I especially hate when she tells me "you're looking so great, claudy".I honestlythink she's lying cause she is constantly complaining about her own size. I dont think she does it on purpose. She is not a mean girl, but I dont think she gets that she is being a punk with comments like that.

04-20-2008, 04:22 PM
Personally, I think it boils down to insecurity. I don't think your friend (or your cousin, kisskiss) would be saying these things to intentionally hurt the others. In fact, normally WE see ourselves way worse than what others see in us. Maybe she's insecure because she lacks something(s) that you and the other girls have. She has to find some way to get attention (even if it's negative) so that she can feel better about herself. More often than not, this doesn't really work out this way and she continues the behaviour.

Obviously, I don't know your friend, but I would say 99% of the time people are NOT doing these things to be hurtful.

And just because your (or our) friends are 120 lbs soaking wet doesn't mean they don't have their own body image problems. We may think that life will be grand when we are fit and thin (for example), but if we are not mentally fit we will still have issues.

Not sure I would say something, but then again, in the right situation (and not an annoyed confrontation), it could be a good thing to bring it out in the open that it bothers you. If she is a good friend, she should know how you are actually feeling.

04-20-2008, 04:52 PM
I would take it as a compliment. That I had such good friends that they didn't see the extra weight on me. When I was younger a skinny friend of mine wanted to go to a modelling competition. A little mall event thingy...She was 5'7" and 115 and I was 5'5" maybe 140 at the time. I don't think it even occurred to her that I was too heavy. She just thought it would be a fun thing for us both to do. I still have a really great guy friend who didn't care if I was 180 or 130, if we went out to eat, if I said I was full he'd scoff and tell me to finish it...he was and is thin. It's interesting that good friends see us, not the weight. I like that..

04-20-2008, 05:11 PM
I agree with what some people are saying here. I sometimes think my friends have bad sight or something cause they always tell me i'm fine the way i am. I know they mean well but it sometimes feels like they're lying to my face. Maybe they have 'friend goggles' like 'beer goggle'. I love my friends dearly and i am glad they see me like that cause i wouldn't want them to just think 'omg why am i friends with that fat cow' or something. One of my friends was kind of complaining about putting half a stone on the other day and being 9 stone which is a good weight for her height. Anyways i'm rambling now, but i do think your friend was being rather insensitive!

04-20-2008, 05:33 PM
I do have skinny friends and when they say things like that to me I usually just brush it off with a "you're fine, you're gorgeous, don't worry about it". Incidentally, that's the same kind of response I get if I'm stressing about my weight. It bothers me for the same reason it bothers them (even if they really are at a healthy weight). Good friends don't do it to be hurtful, everyone has their own insecurities for their own reasons and if you're friends they just...come out. Sure, some people do it because they're fishing for compliments but I really believe good friends just do it because they, skinny or not, have their moments where they feel like a cow.

My sister is 18, size 4, 5'2" and a former dancer/cheerleader. She's gorgeous. She's the tiny little thing that's always been the "little one" and got teased as a kid because she was so tiny. I'm sure she could go into any store in the world and pull something off the rack and have it look great. She's just one of those people. Occasionally, yes she makes some random remark about being "fat" when she's just pigged out on McDonald's and feels bloated or something...but I know it's never meant to be her insinuating anything about me. She's the person I take shopping with me because she never sees my weight as an issue. The way she acts with me, it's like she doesn't even notice that I'm overweight. I wouldn't take what your friend said too personally. I'm sure she doesn't see you as "fat" at all and was probably just feeling really stuffed after a big meal. :D

breathe me
04-20-2008, 05:39 PM
yesterday I went shopping with one of my close friends. She's not "fat" or "stick thin". She basically has curves. I sorta got irrirtated and annoyed because every outfit she tried on she was like "I look fat"..Afterwards I realized that its all psychological. Like they say "You are your toughest critic"

04-20-2008, 05:43 PM
Sometimes I feel like we say things out of habit or something that supposed to be expected for us to say. For example during the school year, I catch myself telling people, "I'm so tired!" even when I'm not. It sounds dumb when I'm typing it, but idk, it's like we say it just because you feel like it'll give you something for you to relate with the other person. So maybe when your friend is saying "OMG I NEED TO DIET" she just feels like she has to say it because for some dumb reason it's just expected for girls to say that regardless of their actual size.

Also, when your friend is saying "oh you don't need to diet!" I really don't think (or at least hope!) that she doesn't mean anything mean by it. I think its just her way of saying that she likes you for you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what!

Apple Cheeks
04-20-2008, 06:47 PM
My best friend from high school is like this, and I've known her for over 20 years.

She's very petite, and always has been. To this day she makes comments about how fat she is, how she needs to lose weight, she asks me if she looks fat in her clothes, and so on.

After 20 years of dealing with it, I've learned that her comments have absolutely nothing to do with me: It's all about her, and her own insecurities about how she looks. She is completely unaware of how it might affect me when she makes negative comments about how fat she is, because she is only thinking about herself--I simply am not part of the picture!

Nowadays I reassure my friend that she looks just fine, and move on to another subject.

04-20-2008, 06:55 PM
I don't think that she is implying anything negative about you. It is not like she is saying, 'I can't eat that because I don't to look like you.' She is only thinking of herself and how she wants to look better and feel better about herself, and her potential to do so, just like all of us.
I am getting older and a lot of gray hair and wrinkles, If I bring that up to someone, it is because I am comfortable talking about my insecurities to them. If they want to say 'oh you can't tell.'- that is fine, but that is not what I am fishing for, I am just VENTING, ya know? I am not saying anything about the other people around me, they could be older and more wrinkly, but I am not meaning to offend them, just complaining about the changes in my body.
So did you ever tell her anything? Maybe you could say, 'Oh, I wish I was as fat as you.' or something just to make a joke about it.

LiLi Gettin Thin
04-20-2008, 07:04 PM
I agree with graciegoose. I think that in our society it's kind of expected for women to say things like "Oh, I'm so fat" and "I'm such a pig" (especially the pig thing if you're the last one eating) even if the person saying it isn't really fat, being a pig, or even believe what they are saying about themselves.

There are also the girls that say those things and actually mean and believe what they are saying. People just have a distorted image of themselves. I mean you can only see yourself through a mirror and photographs. You may see your skinny friend and not see a flaw on her, but when she looks in the mirror, she sees a little roll of fat here or some cellulite there. (Yes, even some skinny girls have cellulite...I just found that out recently!) The best you can do is tell her how great she looks.

Then there are also the girls who say that, don't believe what they say, and are just fishing for compliments. THESE are the annoying ones! I hate saying, "No you're so skinny!" to those girls because that's exactly why they made the comment in the first place...just to hear me say that they are thin. I'm not friends with anyone like this, more like passing acquaintances. I always want to say something like, "Yeah, I thought you looked like you put on a couple of pounds" to them, but of course I never do because that would be SO mean!

04-21-2008, 04:07 AM
Having lost 125 lbs and being fit and wearing a size 6, I thought that I would have loved my body. I still felt flawed. Even skinny girls hate their bodies.

04-21-2008, 04:22 AM
^ Definitely true, how even skinny girls think they have flaws. We are our worst enemy, definitely.

There's this one girl at work though, her hips are so tiny, and she complains daily how she needs to lose weight because her thighs and hips are HUGE. I think she's gorgeous the way she is, if only I could have her hips!

04-21-2008, 03:59 PM
Since I have always been the big girl, I know how irritating it can be to hear a thin person say they are fat....I always think, gimme a break..if your fat, what am I??

I have learned though that my skinny friends never mean anything negative to me. Mostly, they are just as insecure about their bodies as I am about mine. Like almost everyone has said, No matter your weight, we all have flaws and insecurities...ESPECIALLY in our society.

So just shrug it off and encourage her...she is probably just venting!

Team Marseilles
04-21-2008, 04:20 PM
Hello everyone! I wanted to get to a group that was in my age group, with the same range of weight.

I started about 2 months ago with my lifestyle change at 166. I changed the amount I eat, and don't eat sweets & hardly any bread. I eat probably one sandwhich a day, and drink the rest of the day, unless i'm going to work out i'll eat some deli meat 15 minutes before I go work out. I realize that some people may say i'm not eating that much, but really i've never felt better. My body has more energy to work on the inside, such as healing and taking care of itself, rather than digesting all day.

Today I am 149. My ultimate goal is 120, but my realistic goal (because i'm not in high school and my body has changed) is 135.

I've lost 17lbs and have 14lbs to go...can we do a 5 lb challenge? Those are really motivating. Who's in?

04-21-2008, 05:41 PM
I have to agree with Velveteen and Apple cheeks... You've known this girl for awhile now...so you know what kind of person she is. Is she usually like in most cases, not just about weight/food? I don't really know her but I have a feeling that she didn't really mean to make you girls feel like you are bigger or fatter. I think she just doesn't have enough self-esteem and self-confidence just like a lot of us.
For example, I'm 204lbs right now...and I could say "why is SHE trying to lose weight?!?!" to members who weigh 150 lbs. But for those members who do weigh 150lbs, they may feel like they are very heavy...
If it makes you uncomfortable, why not try to talk to her something about it? I think it'd be better to get that out of the way than keep thinking about it and end up not wanting to hang out with her again...

04-21-2008, 05:43 PM
Hello everyone! I wanted to get to a group that was in my age group, with the same range of weight.

I've lost 17lbs and have 14lbs to go...can we do a 5 lb challenge? Those are really motivating. Who's in?

Hey Team, I actually tried to IM you but it won't work for some reason...Well, first of all, welcome to the thread! There are many wonderful wonderful wonderful ladies here who are very loving, caring, and supportive. However, I think you may get a better response if you posted your own thread, rather than under this thread as a reply... =) Good luck with the 14lbs to go!

Team Marseilles
04-21-2008, 05:45 PM
Yes, it's all relative. I used to be 120, so to me 149 is big. But for me and to me only. Only oneself can determine if they're overweight. And there is another term, overweight. A person can be overweight by their own definition and not actually fat. But i think its better to be skinny (like i was) get fatter, then get smaller because I think we appreciate it more. Plus, we're gonna be way nicer! lol.

04-21-2008, 05:49 PM
My best friend for 10 years is skinny but she is overly obsessed over her weight and how she needs to lose that "tummy" (What tummy for heaven's sake?) Yet, since we were young she was obsessed because she heard a boy saying he would never date her because she was fat (fat? please don't make me laugh).

It is her own insecurities expressed and believe me it has nothing to do with you. When my friend complains her weight, I usually joke with things like "Oh if you are fat then I must be huge!" and she always goes "Don't be ridiculous, you are lovely as ever." I guess if you love somebody you see them as perfect. And I guess she just needs to be loved. After that we always brush her comment off by laughing. ;)

04-21-2008, 09:56 PM
Personally, who I hang around with isn't a reason to censor myself. If I've just eaten an entire 3 course meal with my best friend (who weighs 96 pounds) I don't think I am the only one who gets to say "Boy, I feel huge!" He has every right to say "Man, I pigged out!" or "My pants won't fit tomorrow!" Everyone has their own body and their own feelings about it. I don't think my friends are considering my feelings when they make fat remarks and, frankly, I don't want them to! I don't want them to think "Hmm, what can and can't I say in this situation?" If they feel like they just ate a horse then go ahead and tell me and make the joke, what the **** do I care, it's not my body it's theirs. It's no different than when I say "Crap, these pants are too small I wish I were an 8!" and my friend Jen wears a 10.

Basically, my friends are who they are and the comments they make are part of them. Now, if my friends said "Oh wow, you ate like a pig!" THEN maybe I'd reconsider who they are but some comments are really just innocent and playing on their own insecurities, the same insecurities might affect me but it's not their fault.