I was surfing around the web and came across this message board topic.http://members.lovingyou.com/showthr...hreadid=220862
The topic is "alot of men don't like overweight women?" posted in an ask a male forum on a love themed message board.
basically the overwhelming response was a few extra pounds is fine but they don't want to date someone that is obese. One comment kind of hit a nerve with me.
Quote:
I don't have a problem with overweight women. What I have a problem with is that overweight women generally fall into 2 categories:
On one end of the spectrum, you have the Fat ****s with their self-righteous "I'm not fat, she's anorexic" mentality. On the other end of the spectrum, you have the Chronic Dieters with that low self-esteem "Nobody loves me/I hate my body" syndrome.
If you're overweight and you're happy with who you are, then I don't have a problem with you. However, if you're constantly raging against society, TV and the media for its fixation with thin women OR you're constantly unhappy about yourself, then I'd have a problem with you.
Sorry, but I don't intentionally go into a relationship hoping to be unhappy. I'm already happy by myself, so I expect to continue being happy once I'm in a relationship. As such, I'd prefer someone who's not always making her weight a major issue in her life. Unfortunately, when someone brings a lot of issues into a relationship, that usually means that they will eventually become my issues.
Like I said, I don't have a problem with overweight women, just the negative attitude that usually accompanies them.
I hate to admit it but I think I fall into this category where my weight related insecurities are more of a problem for me with dating then the actual weight. Sometimes when I'm flirting with a guy I like I get very anxious and tell myself that the guy just sees a chubby chick and thinks it will easy to get me into bed. It takes alot of work/energy to act confident around guys.
I was wondering if anyone else had any thoughts/experiences on this issue? Where do you fall?
OMG me too...my self-image concerning my weight seems to control my every decision...
My weight is never far from my mind....and always the deciding factor.
I think it is darn lucky the he simply has NO issues to bring into his relationships. Must be nice to be so perfect.
I understand his general complaint -- nobody wants to be with someone who is completely miserable, but it isn't like "overweight women" have a corner market on negative attitudes.
I feel that I fall somewhere in the middle. I have my bad days where I hate the way I look and wonder why my dh married me in the first place..but then I have my good days where I just like the way I am and wouldnt want to change myself for anybody.
My ever-present motto: BODY IMAGE AND SELF IMAGE ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
Am I fat? Uh, yup. Am I a good person? You betcha. Am I battling the bulge? Uh, sadly, yes. Do I have a good sense of humor? I think so!
I am happily married, but still, & always have been very flirtatious. I don't think of myself as "my body". I am who I am regardless. When I was 120 pounds, now that I'm 176(ish) - I still am the same woman. Just sometimes.. there's more of me to love.
I do think that it's all about self-confidence. I see that guy's POV quite easily, as I am the same way. I don't want to be with someone who isn't a "together person". So if a person is whining & cryin' & belly-aching about the same damn thing all the time... yeah, that wears thin on yer nerves after a while!
And anyway... if someone doesn't like me because I'm chubby? Well, them.
I think it is darn lucky the he simply has NO issues to bring into his relationships. Must be nice to be so perfect.
I understand his general complaint -- nobody wants to be with someone who is completely miserable, but it isn't like "overweight women" have a corner market on negative attitudes.
I dont think he is saying he has NO issues, he is saying he doesnt have A LOT of issues.
I think he has a valid argument. Truthfully, I am not that much fun to be around if I am feeling badly about my weight. Why WOULD anyone want to date me if I hate myself. IF your weight occupies 90% of your waking thoughts...that is a big burden to bring to a relationship. It is an addiction/obsession. Would you criticize him for not wanting to start a relationship with an alcoholic?
And the point is ...most of feeling badly is in OUR heads, not theirs. I've felt good about my weight at 170 and badly about it at 135. If a woman makes her self worth based on her weight, then she projects that to others.
I'd like to think that a lot of us fall somewhere inbetween his two views of overweight women but I can see how, to a guy, it could seem like all we do is obsess over weight. Partly because we do, and partly because guys just don't spend all their time worrying about the stuff that women obsess over.
I think it's encouraging that most guys aren't out there looking for the Hollywood ideal of what a woman should look like.
I have a friend that I love dearly, and is battling himself being overweight too. He's lost about 10 or 20 lbs now and I'm proud of him for it. My issue is that yea he does have some self esteem problems that I hope he can overcome, but he's always ogled women of a smaller stature than I am (women that are about 60 lbs or so lighter than me), but yet he manages to continue making friends and having dates with other women who are around my size, if not bigger. Then he wants to complain that he can't seem to find someone he would care to date that is his more his 'type', aka a more slender girl with huge knockers but still has a great personality that fits his own.
Now, I'm not anywhere near being fit like I want to be, but I am working on it. And I'm doing this for me. I love this guy dearly and would love to have something with him. I guess my point is that I wish it were easier for people to be happy with who they are, but if not, learn to change it.
Ok, sorry, that's my rant for today guys lol. Have a happy day!
When I met my boyfriend 2.5 years ago, I was 30 pounds heavier. He was, and is, a lot thinner and more fit than I am. He's an intelligent, attractive guy and when he met me there was something about me that attracted him, in spite of being overweight. I've been dating guys since high school and I think that the key is confidence. I may not have always loved my body, but I always have felt pretty and knew who I was as a person. Confidence is attractive to members of the opposite sex--I don't, and never have, projected the "I'm a miserable, socially awkward fat girl" vibe. Instead, I project a "I'm a confident, sexy, curvacious woman" vibe and men respond to that.
Guys don't like THIN or FIT girls who have body image issues and make an issue of them, either. I have a lot of guy friends and they're just not interested in girls who are constantly self deprecating and unhappy with themselves--no matter what their size is.
I don't really buy that whole confidence being the main attractor business. A guy is going to be PHYSICALLY attracted to a certain type of woman.
I am always miserable about my weight. I know I got a LOT more attention from men when I weighed 108 lbs than when I weighed 210 or even 180. And believe me, I've been equally miserable and never confident.
I married my husband at my highest weight. So, damnit I know he isn't in it for my body. I now weigh less than I ever did (well...since high school anyway). He will tell you ghough that I am probably now more nuerotic about not my weight but weight control than I ever was. And in reference to the women with self esteem issues. It seems to me like comments from men like these only fuel the fire.
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Well, I think he's wrong that *generally* overweight women fall into one of those two categories. That would imply that most overweight women have a serious attitude problem, which isn't true. But I agree with him that I would find it impossible to maintain a relationship with someone who harboured either of those attitudes. Now that I'm slim I get mad when overweight people (cough relatives cough) call me skinny/anorexic/whatever. It really degrades all the hard work.
In my experience men are not nearly as critical of women's bodies as women are. They know if someone is fat or thin, but they don't know the difference between one size and the next. I'm speaking generally of course. And I've also found they generally get uncomfortable if I mention food or weight issues in front of them, which I guess is fair enough. No need to load the poor blokes with my baggage, after all
My boyfriend has always been supportive of me and always telling me nice things about my looks and body which I'm always obnoxious, whiny and self deprecating about! On more than one occasion it was labeled unsexy that I was always focused on my flaws and hang ups (and couldn't take a damn compliment!) and he stopped saying nice things for a while until I learned to at least be quiet and grateful whether or not I thought he was lying. My poor self image is a huge turn-off for him, he is happiest when I'm wearing something I think only thin things should wear (because I think I look less sexy and way more like a sausage.) Confidence is attractive, maybe not the most attractive but it can make up for a lot too, I think. Very good post Catherine!
Interesting. I saw a column on this on MSN yesterday - basically a man complaining that he was no longer attracted to his wife because she gained weight. I found it very interesting, and the comments were extremely combative on both sides of the issue.
For me, as a woman who naturally tends to overweight, I just mark myself lucky that the dimwitted guys who only see skinny and big boobs as attractive aren't attracted to me. Who'd want to be in a relationship with someone that small-minded? Oh dear, does that make me a "fat ****"?
And, while I respect the honesty of the guy's statement that he doesn't want to get involved with someone who is unhappy with herself, he needs to wake up. No one is happy all the time, whether about their weight, their job, whatev. That kind of talk is patent Nacissism 101. The trick is finding someone who accepts you, understands that there will be goods and bads, and wants you anyway. I've seen enough posts on this board to know that its possible - beautiful women of all sizes who find fulfilling relationships with men who love who they are - not their weight.
Last edited by Amarie2pt0; 04-18-2008 at 03:02 PM.
ME23,
I totally agree with you when you say men aren't nearly as critical about women's bodies as women are. I think that many of us women believe guys are always on the prowl for that 115 lb double D blonde- but in reality, I think guys just really like average women. My husband, yes, he will certainly look at gorgeous women on TV or walking down the street. But when I asked him if he could ever date someone like that, his answer has always been "no... girls like that make me nervous and uncomfortable." In general, I think guys want to be with women that they can just enjoy themselves around. Sure, physical attraction is certainly a factor- but you don't need to be a size zero to be attractive to a guy. I used to think this was the case... but I am glad that I see otherwise now.
Guys attitudes about overweight girls.
them. 
