I've lost a good amount of weight and gone down from a 28 to 24, and I'm thrilled with the changes I've made to get there. But, man, lately I've been looking in the mirror and wanting to cry because I'm thinking, "Holy cow, I've lost almost 60 pounds since January and I'm still freakin' ENORMOUS."
I usually am fine and able to think of everything in relative terms -- like, my body is smaller now than it was four months ago. My body is fitter now than it was four months ago. My body is wayyyyyyyy healthier than it was four months ago. But it just seems like the progress is only putting more emphasis on how fat I still am. Does that make sense?
I look in the mirror and actually see what's left, and it gets me so down and disgusted to think that I've lost 60 pounds since Jan but it's not that noticeable because I'm still obese. The idea of progressing just seems so ... futile. And daunting. And depressing. I think it bugs me because I really want to start jogging, but I'm floppy and self conscious. And instead of motoring on to get to that goal where I feel comfortable jogging, I'm just like bleh and unmotivated.
Does anyone understand this? I have no idea what I'm going through. Granted I'm a bit hormonal this week and have a sense of impending doom because I'm visiting my skinny family next week and prepping myself for the crushing ego blow to come. I've tried to talk to DH about it, but he gets angry because he thinks I'm intent on punishing myself. But he can't possibly understand what it's like to lose a bunch of weight and still be fat.
04-17-2008, 02:48 PM
Oh boy do I understand! You're not alone there. I just recently started jogging... and I'm still floppy ;) Focus on those positives. And hopefully this "down" moment will breeze on by. :hug:
04-17-2008, 03:01 PM
Hells yeah- I do this same thing all of the time!
I think to myself how far I've come and alternatively how far I have to go. I've removed an amount of weight equivalent to a grade school child I'm sure, I've removed the amount my pit bull weighs (that big lovey girl) and I'm still FAT/morbidly obese!
I drive myself crazy with this. But the positives definitely outweigh the negatives- right? Right!
The way I encourage myself (I don't know if this will translate well being typed out) is that it takes time. The time is going to pass one way or another- I want to make positive changes during this time. I can be morbidly obese during this time or I can make changes towards a healthier me. I don't want to be filled with regret next year that I didn't do this THIS year. I'm sick of regret.
Another way (that will make even less sense by far to most) to encourage myself is that honestly I think it's sort of cool that I have to lose so much weight. I think of the lessons I'll learn, the inner power I'll discover, the changes I witness. I'm going to lose a huge amount of weight but gain infinite knowledge about myself. It's a real self exploration journey.
I want to run too- but don't want to be screamed at from passing cars (hey- I have a fragile ego) so I bought a gently used treadmill on the cheap to get me into running shape.
It's all baby steps.
04-17-2008, 03:02 PM
I think anyone with more than a few pounds to lose goes through this at some point. Now you just have to decide if you're going to work through it or if you're going to let it frustrate you to the point that you give up. I did the latter, and now I'm worse off than when I started the last time.
One story I keep reminding myself of is a conversation I had with my boss at my first job out of college. She had had gastric bypass, so she knew what it was like for me to be in my early 20s and nearly 300 pounds because she had been there. Anyway, My mom read me a story from a newspaper one day about a woman who had lost a LOT of weight--over 100 pounds--by exercising and eating healthy. When she was almost to her goal weight, she had a HEART ATTACK. She ended up in the hospital.
My mother and I both responded in the same way: JEEZ, she made so many healthy lifestyle changes and STILL ended up with a heart attack?! WHAT'S THE POINT?!!!
Then I went to my boss and told her about the woman who'd had the heart attack, and her response was, "Wow, she's really lucky." WHAT?! Lucky to have a heart attack? Lucky to work so hard to get healthy and lose weight and do what's right for her body, only to end up in the hospital anyway? I asked her how she could possibly use the term "lucky" in reference to this poor woman's situation, and she said, "Well, if she hadn't made all those healthy changes and gotten into such great shape, she would probably be dead from that heart attack instead of just in the hospital. Her obese, unhealthy body wouldn't have been able to handle it."
Wow. It's all in how you look at things. I know it feels futile at this point, but you've got to just focus on the good instead of the bad. And if you can't do that, then you've got to just suck it up and keep going anyway :p At least, that's the lesson I've learned from my experiences.
04-17-2008, 03:03 PM
I know exactly what you mean. I am visiting my bf's family soon and I am sure they are expecting me to look like something else!
I say go put on your old jeans and hang out in them for awhile and it will make you feel better! I can't wait until I am where you are and can say I have lost 60lbs! Keep your head up! You are doing fantastic!! :hug:
04-17-2008, 03:06 PM
I completely understand. After losing almost 60 lbs, I sometimes feel great and see all the progress but some days I feel really down and like it hasn't really made all that much difference, and after working so hard to lose 60 lbs, I should be done already. I think everybody has these days. But you just keep on going and I'll bet people will notice your progress and you'll get lots of compliments, and next week you'll be feeling great about yourself again. Just be stubborn about it, keep going one day at a time, and you'll get there!
Wait, since January? Of this year? That's amazing, it's taken me a year to get the same amount off. Just think of where you'll be a year from now!
04-17-2008, 03:08 PM
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can completely relate to it, though. It's very interesting to me that the way I feel about my "fatness" changes from day to day. I remember feeling very skinny when I hit about 210, then feeling hugely fat again at about 195, etc. My feelings still fluctuate so much, and I have been lurking in the maintainer's forum and reading posts from people who started at 150 or so talking about how hugely fat they were when they started, and that only adds to my confused, muddled, mushed-up feelings about how I'm supposed to look. I understand how they could feel fat at 150, and I'm not criticizing their feelings, but it's sometimes hard for me to read.
And, you know what? I have to consciously drag myself away from that place. My family has lots of obesity in it, so I'm fortunate that to my sisters - who have experience at being close to my starting weight - believe that I'm thin right now. So, for me, that's helpful. What about you? It seems as though your husband is pretty supportive?? Maybe he can help you get back to that place where you understand that you've made some amazing progress.
I believe that it's all about finding ways to protect yourself psychologically when those moments come. In my experience, telling myself I'm fat and hideous only leads to self-recrimination and despair - neither of which are conducive to either weight loss or leading a generally productive life. Finding those resources to help me feel better about myself has been as important to my journey as discovering those healthy recipes that I can't live without.
I think we all go through what you're coping with right now. I know you can find your way through it - and will be well rewarded when you reach the other side.
04-17-2008, 03:08 PM
I surely do understand. But you must give yourself credit for a great job done so far. It's so difficult to lose even one lb and you've lost 60 of em'. 60!!!!
Weight is not an instant gratifacation type thing. It's a process. We didn't put it all on so quickly and therefore it's gonna take some time to get it all off.
You are for sure, for sure, smaller, fitter and healthier. There are so many wonderful, incredible rewards as you progress on your journey. Really, really stupendous things lay just ahead for you. HANG TIGHT. You'll get there. You most certainly will get there. And boy oh boy, when you do days like this will be a thing of the past.
Best of luck to you. :hug:
04-17-2008, 03:39 PM
I know how you feel, sometimes I look in the mirror and get disgusted (I think it's something that most of us do). I think you're doing amazing... 60 lbs!! That's incredible!! You're getting healthier every day. I'm 250 lbs and I'm healthier than my 118 lb sister in law, weight is just a number, I go by how I feel. I used to beat myself up for being obese, but realized it's not going to get me anywhere. I feel darn proud every day that I'm doing something to change my life. You're doing wonderfully, an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others. Best of luck with your journey and keep your chin up!!
04-17-2008, 03:48 PM
I am the queen of getting discouraged and it is so easy to do. You have to focus on the positive and not the negative. I know it is easier to say than to do.
I don't know about you, but the whole time I was gaining weight, I didn't look in the mirror, so maybe you should try to avoid the mirror and focus on all the positive changes you have made. Think about the weight you have lost and not how much you still want to lose!
I hope this helps.:cp:
04-17-2008, 04:12 PM
I just wanted to add that I think you are doing awesome. I'm sorry you are feeling down about where you are now, but the distance you have come is just amazing!!!!
Everyone has given you great advice here. I hope you can get just keep plugging along through this! Just take it one day at a time until you get back to feeling happy. I really think it will come back to you!
04-17-2008, 04:22 PM
All of your responses were so good. I could relate to all of them.
Mentally, I am about where you are at as well. I too am "still morbidly obese". Usually what I do is chastise myself for not having lost more since I began last fall. I know that I could have lost at least another 20 lbs if I would have tried harder. I feel sort of guilty saying that because here some of you are eating like birds and I am still eating like a lumberjack (compared to most of you) and losing weight. So, I feel like I'm not "suffering enough".
I have taken several weeks off to "maintain" (read: eat what I want) over the holidays. Then, when I went away, I packed everything but my "diet". This list goes on and on. You get the idea.
However, the fact remains is you did lose what you lost and maybe you have forgotten already how it felt to be the size 28. I was jolted into a reality check when I got a renewal bank card that had my photo of me at my highest weight of 287. I yelled! "I'm going into that bank and demand that my picture be retaken. I'm going around flashing that so people can see how fat I used to look." My face looked like a helium balloon. My big eyes looks like two slits! I don't ever want to look that way ever again!
In fact, when I was in the Post Office on Tax Day I had it in front of me and the guy behind me(we were in the line like sardines in a can) looked at the picture, looked at me and gasped!! If for no other reason than moments like this, having your picture taken as you lose weight will be a powerful visual aid in all you have done. I have mine in my white underwear on my blog. No air brushing, no trick poses, no "nothing".
My suggestion is get those old photos out now and take a good look at how far you have come! That will help remind you that you have done what you have done. Lost 60 lbs. Fantastic!! As for your skinny family, they will notice every ounce, don't be fooled. They may not admit it but they will!!
Keep going on. As for everyone else, thanks for all the great insights.
04-17-2008, 04:44 PM
Girl I know exactly how you feel! I started in January as well and have lost 75 pounds and I look in the mirror and I'm still fat, I am still in the 200's. I will still be in the 200's when I lose 100 pounds. All of this going on in your head won't help, I am trying my best to not look at the numbers and look at how I feel, how my body feels. I know I look different but in my head I'm still above 300 pounds. I just wanted to share so you know that you are NOT alone! Congratulations on the weightloss and I wish you the best with everything! If you need to talk I'm here :)
04-17-2008, 05:29 PM
I can't claim to know how you feel. :( I have yet to lose as much weight as you have already lost, and I am struggling.
But I did want to offer a word of encouragement anyway. You have come so far! Yes, there is a long way to go, but there always was! There is not nearly as far to go now as when you began.
Yes, you're still morbidly obese, but you are changing that every day! Every day that you do the right thing by yourself, you make yourself stronger.
You can keep going. It's one step at a time. You're feeling down now, but you won't feel that way forever. This is a very big challenge, and you should never feel bad because you feel despair sometimes. Everyone facing a big task feels that way from time to time--"I just can't keep going" "This is too hard" "Why even try?"
The secret is that you don't have to climb the whole mountain at once--you only have to put one foot in front of the other, at whatever pace you can manage. You can. :hug:
04-17-2008, 05:35 PM
Congrats on your success!!!
While I don't have anything new or different to say, hopefully just knowing that one more person feels like you do will help you through this.
And please be nice to yourself :) What would you say to your very best friend if he/she were in your exact position? Now say that to yourself!!
04-17-2008, 06:46 PM
Absolutely know what you mean. I had days when I weighed in the 230's when I honestly thought I looked fatter than I had at 292. I didn't of course, but having lost so much and still having so far to go was really daunting.
For me it was really important to just think about the weight decade I was currently in. I tried very hard not to think ahead; just worry about this decade and then worry about the next one when the time comes.
It just takes a lot of time to get there. Unfortunate, but it's a simple fact and you have to learn to see it as a journey or it'll drive you nuts.
traci in training
04-17-2008, 07:13 PM
Jillybean - great story!
I know what you mean, too. I've been kind of stalled out lately and this week has been kind of a new beginning. It's going very well because I finally got my mind back to the right place. It's been difficult to get motivated because I feel SOOOO much better at 190 something than I did at 250 something. But the truth is, I'm still obese. Overweight is the goal for now. Normal is after that, but right now I'm just trying to get to overweight.
And some days I feel really good about myself and some days I wonder if I have lost one measly ounce off my darn ankles! The collar bones are great, but I know I have ankles down there somewhere and when I lost them in 1989 they weren't too shabby!
And don't listen to what people yell out car windows! Wear a headset and walk, jog, run no matter what your size is. Movement is liberating, so don't let anyone keep you from doing it. My personal approach to anyone staring at my big butt going around the track is, "No way you could go as fast as me if your butt was as big as mine!"
04-17-2008, 08:04 PM
I totally understand.....it wasn't until I lost some 50 pounds before I "felt" littler. Yet...at 203 - I am still obese. I won't be "just" overweight until I get to 175 or so. I'll keep plodding along.
Bigtxmamma - you've made very good progress! I think it comes and goes - feeling the loss.
04-17-2008, 09:29 PM
Not to negate your feelings in any way because they certainly are valid, but my jaw dropped when I saw you had lost 60 pounds in 4 months. That is incredible, I hope you are able to be proud of yourself for that wonderful accomplishment!!
04-17-2008, 09:42 PM
You have gotten some wonderful words of encouragement here. I just wanted to offer you a :hug:
Yes, you have a long long way to go, but you have also come a long long way.
Are you taking progress pics? I think it's a good way to look back and see the changes, because we don't see them ourselves when we look at the mirror every single day.
04-18-2008, 08:53 AM
I think we all have those days where we just aren't "feeling" the weight loss. Girlfriend, you have been kicking butt! Keep going. The feelings come and go. As long as the pounds keep going, you'll be just fine.
04-18-2008, 01:19 PM
Go look at a picture of yourself 60 pounds ago and THEN look in the mirror. You've done amazing and I'm sure after this down moment, you'll pick yourself up and continue to do amazing. Congrats on the 60lbs! Hopefully one day I'll be able to say that about my weight loss!
04-18-2008, 01:54 PM
It sucks to feel this way. I went through it to and do like Laurie and some days I feel really skinny and others super fat. I still have well over 100 left to lose. I think it's all in our perception of how we see ourselves. As for jogging. I love it. I love the way I feel while doing it and I don't give a flying flip what people think of me while I'm doing it. I really don't. I'm out there for my health and if people wanna gawk and stare let them. I'm sure their skinny butts are just jealous they can't jog for 3 miles straight like I can :D
:bravo: for all you've accomplished. I promise you it won't be longer and you'll really start noticing the changes. (It's just been in the last couple of weeks that I'm really started to look slimmer with these last few pounds I've lost)
04-18-2008, 02:00 PM
Don't despair. 60 lbs is a GREAT accomplishment! Keep going with what you're doing and you'll be looking and feeling even more fantastic!!
04-18-2008, 02:09 PM
wow! i just posted something very similar to your post in the 20-something's forum (before reading yours).
i am going through this EXACT phase right now. i've lost 42 lbs., but still feel as fat as ever. i've gone down a size or two (depending on the clothes), but when i look at myself i see the same old fat me. in fact, here for the past couple days, i think back and feel like maybe i looked cuter then. at least i was pleasantly plump, now (because i'm tall) i feel like like just a big amazon woman. i can tell my shape is changing, but i just feel like things are shifting around and not really going anywhere. arrrrrrgh!
ugggggggh, i hope this feeling passes. people compliment and say nice things all the time, which i'm sure you've experienced too! our brains just need to catch up! :hug:
04-18-2008, 02:49 PM
BTW, wow 60 lbs since January?! What are you doing, if you don't mind me asking?
04-18-2008, 03:16 PM
80 lbs down and I'm still the exact same way... just looking at my body and thinking how much farther I have to go.
04-18-2008, 03:40 PM
60 pounds is awesome!
But, I know exactly how you feel. Even now. I was at a party yesterday and was getting introduced to a bunch of people. It got me thinking that anyone who didn't know me, would think I was chubby and could stand to go on a diet - not knowing I have already lost 90 pounds. It was a weird feeling.
We just want results for our hard work, and while those results are there, it is a long journey.
You are doing great, just think in another 5 months what you will look and feel like!
04-18-2008, 04:57 PM
I love you guys. And thank god for you. I'm such at this particularly BAD patch right now, and I can handle bad days here and there, but not for a whole freakin' week.
Thank you all for your encouraging words. I've read over this whole thread about fifty times. Honestly, knowing that there are women going through the exact thing I am is just... I don't know. But this is the first I've ever had any support whatsoever in my goals.
But ya'll are right. I have to keep going. I can work through this. And I'm going to start the couch to 5K program in earnest today. I don't care if my fat butt wobbles around the track. Traci, that is frickin' hilarious: "No way you could go as fast as me if your butt was as big as mine!"
And I think I'm not going to think about the next 50, or the next 50, and just go by decade like Robin41 mentioned.
You guys are inspirational and motivational. Thank you.
Queen, it's actually been pretty easy. For some reason I started exercising and I got addicted. And that seriously makes me eat so much less than I used to. I also started eating mostly all whole foods (kinda low carb, South Beach), which has altered my taste buds so I don't crave the processed junk that was/is my downfall. Oh, and I also use these tiny little rice bowls to put my food in, which helps me with portion control. I'm also using meditation tapes which really helps my brain wrap around the whole losing weight thing. Oh, I was doing the little blue pill on and off, but I haven't been using it for a few weeks now. God, I've been doing everything, really.
So thank you all. So much. Oy! Thank you!
04-18-2008, 05:09 PM
A big thing for me to always keep in mind is that when you have A LOT to lose... you lose big chunks of it at a time and you don't necessarily see much of a change.
But those BIG CHUNKS are necessary in order to get down to the weights where you WILL see major changes! Like all these people that say you lose one size per every 10 pounds... that's only after us LARGE people lose a good 50 or even 100!!!!
But now with those 60 off, I truly believe that you're going to start seeing some major differences in your body with every 20 more pounds... then every 15... then every 10!!!
We gotta get through this exciting yet depressing time where we're working hard and we see the numebrs change on the SCALE... but not necessarily in our dress sizes. You can do this!
04-18-2008, 09:31 PM
I got to the point you're at the last time I was working on my wieght and let it derail me. I had been working Weight Watchers for 4 months and lost 30 lbs. But I couldn't see it and got frustrated. DON'T DO THAT! Of coarse I wasn't going to meetings and I hadn't found 3FF then.