To make a long story short I'm 27 and until a few months ago was a never been kissed or dated virgin. In February I started dating this guy and it got intimate fairly quickly. I thought things were going well and indeed this past weekend was very nice. Woke up yesterday with him to cuddles and kisses and spent the day touring wineries. Then tonight I get home from a particularly crappy day at work and over yahoo instant messenger he dumps me. His only reason is that there is "no spark" for him. So I go from waking up holding him and being held Sunday morning to being told Monday night that he never wants to see me again. I'm lost, scared and confused right now. I went 27 years without anything and now I get two months of feeling like a normal, desirable woman. Now without warning it's over and I don't know what went wrong so I sit here blaming myself and my inexperience and stupidity. Right now I don't think it will ever be safe for me to care about anyone but then again I had to wait 27 years for one man to want to date me so perhaps it will be another 27 before another does. When I count it all out it was only 5 nights and maybe a dozen times of being intimate we actually spent together due to living 200 miles apart. It doesn't seem like much but it's all I've ever had. I feel woefully behind compared to every other woman my age on the planet and am wondering if this will be all I can achieve.
My weight loss efforts have been a nightmare over the last few months. Nothing I do works and I haven't lost an ounce. Now I feel like I just want to eat and I eat when I'm sad and unhappy. I skipped the gym tonight. I never skip the gym. But I was so hurt I couldn't go. I'm not losing weight at all and now to top it off I'm back out there being fat and single. That and i'm supposed to be graduating from school soon but am struggling to pass my classes, my job is stressful but not sure I am going to find a new one that pays decently.
Nothing is going right but I really don't want to gain weight although my body refuses to lose any. Any advice for me? I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.:(
04-15-2008, 06:10 AM
Kierra, I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves to be treated like this and although it hurts now, thank god YOU are rid of this loser before you really got committed! Who breaks up over Yahoo? Seriously? Is this guy an adult???
Listen, hon, I know it's hard and I have so been there... I STOPPED my workouts, my eating right, my taking care of ME when I broke up with my ex a few years back. And where am I? Exactly the same place I started when I joined WW in 1999. But you can get revenge by taking even BETTER care of yourself, by GOING to the gym, by eating right, by getting hotter and hotter every single day to the point where this guy is totally going to regret what he's done (because you are smart, beautiful and HOT) and it'll be TOO LATE for him!
Do it for you. DO NOT let this guy take your hard work away from you. Keep going girl. WE know you are worth it and WE want to stand by you and see you succeed!!!
HANG IN THERE! :hug:
04-15-2008, 06:55 AM
Oh, honey, how rotten. What a total PRICK! And I agree with Velveteen that if he's as much of a selfish jerk as to treat you that way, it's maybe better to be shot of him now rather than falling deeper and deeper in love, but - but that's easy enough for me to say, isn't it, when it's not my heart that's been broken.
Try to use it as motivation to keep on plan. (Speaking of which - if you're not noticing a loss of pounds or inches lately, perhaps you need a different plan? Are you low carbing? Calorie counting? Maybe try a month or so of something different?) But, yes - if you can channel your emotions here into kicking your *** into shape, and becoming the beautiful, healthy chick you deserve to be, then that would be a wonderful thing to come out of this unlovely experience.
winning the war
04-15-2008, 08:08 AM
I have to agree with everyone else so far. The problem is with HIM, not YOU! I know you're hurting right now, but you won't be forever. Don't try to figure him out, cause at the end of the day, we can't change how other people act, ony how we react. You are in control of your life, so please don't let this terrible setback affect your efforts at being a healthier and livelier person. He wasn't right for you, but someone is!! I don't know how to use the animated thingy's, but lots of hugs coming your way!!
04-15-2008, 08:14 AM
I am so, so sorry this happened. :hug: He was awful to act this way.
As far as your weight loss - try to take it a day at a time. Maybe try a different approach to eating.
Also, try to do some deep breathing. It will make you feel better. And - journalling your feelings on paper might help too. It can help you to keep those thoughts from constantly spinning in your head.
Do the best you can. :hug:
04-15-2008, 08:39 AM
I'm so sorry he did this to you.:hug: I know its hard to see things objectively right now, but you really are better off without him. Anyone who would actually break up over Yahoo is not a nice person.
For right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to concentrate of finishing school and maintaining your workouts. Get to know who you are and learn to love yourself. Being attractive to men is oftentimes more about self-confidence than weight. As you learn to love yourself, you will probably be surprised at how many good men suddenly appear in your life.
04-15-2008, 09:14 AM
Do not let him be the measure of who you are. I think he should be your learning experience -- not to make you dwell on what happened, but what type of person he was and make a mental note of who you don't want!! You have a lot going on right now, but you seem to enjoy the exercise, which is a great stress reliever -- so keep it up. You can do this -- you will make it through school, life holds so many possibilities for you -- keep taking those chances and you will graduate, find a great job and eventually meet the man of your dreams!! :hug::hug:
04-15-2008, 09:21 AM
The last thing you need is to stop taking care of yourself. Take this time to focus on *you*. You are what is important, taking care of yourself, loving yourself.
Yes, you are going to hurt for a while. And those first loves can hurt a tiny bit forever.
Take some of the hurt and anger and throw it into your exercise at the gym. Use a punching bag there, if you haven't already. It will really feel good, I promise!
04-15-2008, 09:32 AM
"thank god YOU are rid of this loser before you really got committed! Who breaks up over Yahoo? Seriously? Is this guy an adult???"
OH, AMEN TO THAT.
I am so very, very sorry this happened to you. HE happened to you. We vest so much in what men think of us some times, more often than not, they turn out not to be worth the effort. I say, be sad, be mad, be hurt and curl up in a ball with a good movie but put a time limit on it. Be vengeful but in a way that benefits you... going to the gym.... eating healthfully. I get not going to the gym and wanting to eat everything in sight, I am a professional emotional eater, but who does that ultimately hurt? Not Yahoo-boy for sure. More than anything, don't blame your "inexperience and stupidity." It is his fault, clearly he is an idiot, woefully immature and shockingly disrespectful. Use this experience to your benefit and look for different qualities in a man next time. I hope you are proud of yourself for being smart and capable enough to handle going to school, holding down a job that is challenging, losing 42 pounds (that's amazing!) and being a single, bright woman in a world that seems full of couples. Make a list of all the wonderful things about you and celebrate yourself.
I can say from experience that time will help. This is a little raw at the moment, as well it should be. I hope you revisit this thread in a few weeks when you have had time to think of all of the things that, in hindsight, were wrong with him. Perspective is a beautiful thing. I wish you all the best.
04-15-2008, 09:39 AM
Just wanted to send some hugs. Who breaks up via Instant Message after they've gone through puberty? Seriously. :rolleyes:
Amen to what everyone else has been saying. Take time for yourself now. Even if your body doesn't lose the weight, you can at least maintain that amazing loss of yours.
A few weeks down the road you'll be happy with yourself for staying healthy & staying away from the emotional eating. :hug:
04-15-2008, 10:20 AM
You have gotten some great advice. He was a loser from day one... I know you probably don't want to agree with that, but I'm sure you have heard about the wolf in sheeps clothes. I have had my shot at a few of them, and they are good at saying the right things and really in the end its all an act. You need to keep going for yourself. All of us here believe in you, and the fact that you came here when you were feeling weak is proof enough that you deserve to be believed in.
I totally believe that there is one special person out there for each and everyone of us. The right guy will come along! I also think you have to have a few bad eggs before you get the golden one! I was with a loser for 9 years, I was never truely happy, was abused horribly and thought that was the best life had in store for me. 2 weeks after leaving him I started dating my now hubby, what a difference. When it is real and true you will know... there is such a difference in how you feel in your heart. Your Mr. Right will come along... just have some confidence in yourself, so that when he does show up you are the best you that you can be! :hug:
04-15-2008, 10:21 AM
Oh honey, what a horrible thing he did. :hug:
Many of the above posters have echoed the same things, and they are true: his behaviour says tons about HIM. We women so often rely on what men think of us to determine our self-worth. And it's NOT TRUE. No man defines you. You define you.
I know you are feeling like you just want to crawl under a rock and you hurt. We've all been there. Right now, more than ever, it's important that you send yourself the message that you are worth taking care of. He treated you very badly, but you are still alive. And 'that which does not kill me, makes me stronger' is very, very true. For now, take that anger and turn it to your advantage. Use that energy to fuel your efforts at losing weight.
And remember, we are always here for you.
04-15-2008, 10:27 AM
:hug: :hug: :hug:
04-15-2008, 10:38 AM
What a PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the tackiest thing I've ever heard, to do that to someone ~ so not worth an ounce of tears let alone feeling like a "fat failure" my dear! THIN girls get dumped all the time too ~ pricks are an equal opportunity exploiter!!
I'm begging you NOT to let this a$$hole define anything in your life ~ don't let it make you spiral down into depression (well a bit of wallowing is OK, it's a break up after all) that derails your weight loss efforts ~ chalk it up to experience and something you can laugh about with the RIGHT man in your life!
04-15-2008, 11:06 AM
Trazey said everything I wanted to say!!! :)
04-15-2008, 11:14 AM
I know it hurts right now, but you will get over him. Sometime in the not so distant future, he will be the best thing that never happened to you! Believe me, I've been there, and now I thank God everyday for all the ones that got away.
04-15-2008, 11:32 AM
I'm not sure about the "no spark" comment, because if you had a great day on Sunday I see no reason why he'd suddenly be disinterested on Monday.
From what I'm reading, there is a good chance this man is dating or even in a serious relationship with someone else. Some people have trouble admitting that they are dating you behind their significant other's back, or while they are temporarily broken up with significant other.
I remember one guy told me that he could no longer date me because I had kids and he just "wasn't ready" to be a father.
Well, I found out a couple of weeks later that he'd gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend (who incidentally got pregnant soon after).
I also once dated a guy who, although he lived about 100 miles away, called me daily. However, he ALSO had a long-term girlfriend, which I only learned after she called me.
He never bothered to call and explain that one.
What I'm getting to is that guys who dump you suddenly usually have something they're not telling you. Don't take it personally. I think this has nothing at all to do with your weight. When I was single I was in pretty good shape - I was still lied to, often.
That said, I agree with the poster who said just keep working out and getting hotter. That's the ultimate revenge.
04-15-2008, 11:35 AM
What not to do:
- Do NOT try to jump into another relationship just to get back that feeling of being happy and content. You'll get yourself into a cycle where you stop feeling happy without a relationship, and you don't want to do that.
- Do NOT believe that you are at fault for this. Even if there wasn't a spark, that has nothing to do with your weight - it's just part of what makes dating alternately awesome and completely sucky.
- Do NOT give up on yourself. You have just taken your first dip into the dating pool. Now that you've seen what it can and should (and shouldn't) be, you'll have a lot more experience for what you do and don't want next time.
What you should do:
- DO get your friends to tell you their dating horror stories. You are SO not alone in this kind of thing, and you'll find out that it happens to everyone, no matter what their weight is.
- DO pamper yourself. Do something wonderful that you enjoy. Get a haircut or a massage, take a nice long bath, buy yourself new shoes - whatever will remind you that you deserve good things.
- DO read Geneen Roth's book, "When you eat at the refrigerator, pull up a chair." The book's subtitle is, "50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When You Feel Anything But)." It helps me on those days I just feel awful about myself.
-DO continue to ask for help when you need it. 3FC is always here, and if you can't turn to a support group in bad times, then what the heck is it here for anyway? Remember that you're not alone.
-DO go to the doctor. If you really think you've been staying on plan and keeping up with your exercise, and still the weight's not coming off, there may be something else going on. It's very possible that you're at a plateau, but there could be a medical reason behind it.
-DO remember how far you've come. You've lost 42 pounds, you've had a relationship, you're working to finish degree - those are pretty awesome things. You did those, and you should be proud of them.
04-15-2008, 11:42 AM
I am so very sorry! Be glad that you only invested two months and not longer with this jerk!
04-17-2008, 07:21 AM
:censored::censored::censored: What a colossal *******! :mad: Braking up in an IM?!? He deserves a swift kick to the balls. :s::devil: Don't be down I yourself, be pissed at HIM!:tantrum: I know that's easy for me to say but try to get yourself angry rather then depressed. It actually might be healthier in this situation and then you can go and kick the crap out of something at the gym and burn a ton of calories. :boxing:
On another note I think you where very strong and brave just to try. Don't let the fact that your first guy turned out to be a jerk stop you from living your life to the fullest. You are a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves all kinds of love.
04-17-2008, 02:14 PM
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself or your weight for this. My thin, gorgeous (but a little shy) sister has had more than her fair share of horrible dating/boyfriend(and even fiance) experiences, while I've had none (I did date a couple guys who were wrong for me, and had breakups initiated by the guy, but also by me).
I've been morbidly obese and while I dated less as a single person, I had much better luck with picking the good ones. The difference I think is that my sister had a more passive approach to dating (accepting dates because the guy was interested in her, without much concern about whether she was interested in him). While I had a more assertive, even "picky" approach. I turned down alot more guys than she did (even though I'm sure fewer were interested), because I knew I'd be happier alone than with a guy who complicated rather than enhanced my life. I found and married my husband at 35 (from a newspaper/online add that I placed), and I don't regret being picky. It took longer to find "Mr. Right," but he was indeed Mr. Right and not just Mr. Adequate or Mr. Almost.
04-17-2008, 10:35 PM
What a jerk! He's what you call a "dog"... He'll fork anything with two legs and two breasts. He's DEFFINATELY not worth it - plus long distance relationships suck.
I agree with the others, focus on you - going to the gym will help work out those blahs - and you'll feel better mentally.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
04-17-2008, 11:18 PM
:hug: I'm so sorry. :hug:
04-18-2008, 06:00 AM
I´ve been there, more than once and I know, it sucks ! We get into the why´s, we think too much, we worry too much and then anxiety attacks and everything goes downhill...
But trust me when I say, time is your best friend and this will pass, and your mind and your body are the most precious things you have in life, taking good care of it will help you feel better soon, it will help you feel good about yourself, you need to know and believe how special you are, that you are a catch ! Because you are !
Take this time now to instead of giving up, to take good care of you and the things you have going on in your life, exercize is also one of your best friends, thank God for endorphine ! Work to finish school, you´ve accomplish so much already in terms of weight loss, keep it up... in a couple weeks you´ll be so glad that you did...
Life will smile for you again, just give it time... and don´t forget the love that you have for yourself and how special you are !
04-18-2008, 08:45 AM
You've gotten a lot of excellent advice already, but I just wanted to send you a clip that always makes me laugh x a million whenever I'm down:
:) Granted, it's about muffins, but by the end of the clip, I promise you won't want one... :)
04-18-2008, 12:50 PM
If it is any consolation I "lost" my virginity by being sexually molested. It overshadowed every experience I ever had from the time I was sixteen on through my entire life. Then, I heard about being "spiritually" a virgin. I would like to think that my third marriage, I was indeed a spiritual" virgin. My DH at age 41 was a virgin. He felt embarassed about it but I felt so honored that he waited so long for the right person. That is a real rarity nowadays.
Do not consider your personal love life over because of one tragic mistake in judgement. Also, do not be so cautious that if a really great guy comes along you will be afraid to commit. I made more mistakes in my love life than I care to admit. It took a lot of therapy and my own willingness to risk love again to find the right person. You are soooo young. You have your whole life ahead of you.
I had really good advice from a priest I went to when I was trying desperately to reconcile with my second ex-husband who was a heel from the get-go. He said read the book "The Joy of Being Single". I had been so accustomed to being married I had no identity. I was 43 at the time! I had bounced from one bad relationship to another my entire life up until then.
I decided to be abstinent at age 40 and I remained abstinent until I was 46. I realize that most people think that is so archaic but I had a therapist tell me that until I could learn to love myself I would be attracting all the wrong guys and continuing to hurt myself over and over. Removing myself from the "game" was the exact medicine I needed. I am so glad that I listened to her. I never thought I could go without sex with a man that long but I did. And, I don't consider myself a very sexual person either.
And, in spite of doing that towards the end of those abstinent years I fell in love with a married man and I almost gave in to my worse instincts and had a relationship with him. I called up a prayer line and a woman told me that "Mr. Right for Me was out there waiting for me and this was not him!" I said "Yea, right."
Well, about 5 months later I met my current DH. He is an angel. He is not a saint but he is an angel. I have been with him for 9 years and married almost 6 years. I love him more today than I did the day I met him. And, love is as special as if I were 16 years old. I feel like a kid.
I hope you can learn from my lessons---they were heart breaking for me to learn---and you will be smarter (well wiser) than I.
You are in my prayers, sweetie, love will come again and it will be even better and not bitter, I promise!:hug:
04-18-2008, 04:32 PM
04-18-2008, 05:15 PM
I agree with others--- not no negate your feelings about how you felt about him... but obviously any man who breaks up over IM'S is a classless loser. It sounds dumb now, like "of course she can say that, she's not ME!" but really... REALLY... you are better off without him.
Be glad you had the time you did to be made to feel so special and desired and SEXY. Without that loser, maybe you never would have known how it COULD feel... so now you have something to work for, now you have some proof that you are a desirable woman, now you know that it IS POSSIBLE (even when we're big) to find men who want us as we are.
Sure, he's a loser and didn't stick around. But you have learned a LOT about yourself because of him. You had parts of you awaked that you never had before.
I was a never been kissed virgin before I met my husband... he was my first real boyfriend and I didn't meet him until I was in college. And the whole time we started dating I always thought to myself... if this ends, I don't know what I'll do. But I always thought "If this ends, heck, I'll go out and find another one. Obviously, I know NOW, that it's possible for me to be JUST as happy as those other women."
Let me edit... I found happiness as a plus sized woman. My older sister who is approaching 30 is BEAUTIFUL--- thin and looks like Barbie. And she is very unhappy. Just goes from one longterm wasted relationship to the next. None of us can figure out what's going on. So it's not about FAT... it's just about LIFE. And sometimes life sucks. :) But eventually it gets better.
04-19-2008, 10:23 PM
I know it is very hard right now. I went through something similar in November and it took me several months to get myself back together. I dated a man for 4 years and loved him with all my heart. He loved me back but we had other issues to deal with and he could not over come his family when it came to me. He is Korean and his parents were not ready for an American daughter in law.
But my real point is this….you are at rock bottom now but try to think of it this way….there is no where to go but up. Everything WILL get better with time and keeping your mind off of it will really help. This really cool older gentleman once said to me …..”This too shall pass my dear….” I try to think of those kinds of things.
When he broke up with me I began a personal relationship with cheesecake. I had it every night for a month and I gained 17 pounds because of it. I had to let myself heal and get through things but if you can do it another way …try as hard as you can. Divert your mind when you feel depression or bad feelings coming your way. Have a "go to person" to call and talk you through it…..I have several who look out for me now because I opened up to them.
I am much better now and you will be as well…..you have to give yourself time to get through it and work yourself out of it. You are special and deserve the best. Another guy told me this once and I use it as my mantra….A woman who can walk into a room and be confident is more attractive than anything else.
So don’t let this incident make you lose confidence in yourself. You can and will get through it!