Weight Loss Support - Do you want comments or not?




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polkadotfever
04-04-2008, 11:44 AM
Last night I was thinking about why I'm a little freaked out about losing weight. It's because it's starting to become apparent and people are starting to notice. The next ten pounds will make a big difference on my frame and I feel a lot of anxiety about what people at work will start saying or asking me when I've lost 10 more pounds...I can't even think about being at final goal right now. I'm a private person and the thought of being cornered and questioned about my weight loss makes me nervous. Meanwhile I know some people want to hear comments and questions about their weight loss.

I don't mind coming here and talking about my weight because I still feel a sense of privacy here and I also feel like we're all fighting the same battle. But coworkers??? I've already had two comments and I know they mean well but it still makes me feel weird.

Is it weird that it makes me feel weird? :?:


Lovely
04-04-2008, 11:52 AM
You are perfectly normal.

If you're uncomfortable, there are ways of fielding questions and comments so that you close the conversation quickly and turn it to work matters.

A compliment given = "Thank you." No more. No less.

A question such as "Have you lost weight?" = "A little. Thank you."

"How much have you lost?" = "Enough." And a smile.

"How'd you do it?" = "Hard work." And another smile.

And that last answer usually ends the conversation. :lol:

You can also quickly give an answer and change the subject.

"Thank you. Can you believe those reports are due tomorrow? Oh, boy... so much work to do before then!"

mj5
04-04-2008, 11:53 AM
It's not weird at all! Everyone is different. Weight loss is a very personal journey. Of course, realize that people are going to comment whether you want them to or not. What is up to you is how you respond. Start thinking now...so you are prepared.

For me, I am ok w/ people noticing. Sometimes it's that added to boost to keep me moving. I don't need people to notice, but sometimes it's nice. What I will not do again is to tell people exactly how much I have lost (except on here). I did that last time I was losing and then well...you guessed it I stopped doing what I know I need to do and put a bunch of the weight back on. No one said anything, but of course they had to notice!

Good luck to you. Keep at it. I know you can do it!


srmb60
04-04-2008, 12:01 PM
Good answers here.

Faerie's note about the subject closing down when you mention hard work ... too true ... mention calorie counting or walkin 90 minutes a day .... that'll put an end to that conversation.

There will be folks who are truly happy for you and excited for you progress. You'll be able to tell =who's who= hugging is fine.

SCraver
04-04-2008, 12:05 PM
Normally I LOVE when people notice... but this time around trying to lose weight, I have been very sqeamish about the whole thing. (My husbands grandmother asked at Easter if I was losing weight, and I knee-jerk reacted with a 'no') I think b/c my attitude is very different this time around. I am more focused on how I FEEL and how HEALTHY I am being. Looking better is really just a bonus for me. And also, up until just the last week or so, I have been losing weight I have lost before yo-yoing up and down.

Anyway = enough about me, I KNOW that it is perfectly NORMAL to feel the way you do. People noticing something as personal as you losing weight and then commenting can feel like they are intruding. I think Faerie has some fantastic ideas about how to respond. (Esp. the changing the subject idea!)

Horo
04-04-2008, 12:06 PM
Comments usually make me uncomfortable, as I end up over analyzing the comments. What were their intentions by saying that? Did they say that just to be nice/make me feel better? Were they being sarcastic? etc etc etc..
It makes me nervous. :dizzy:

srmb60
04-04-2008, 12:14 PM
Laryi ... my husband says ... "Susan, you are many wonderful things but a mindreader is not one of them."


If Jill Till says .... "That skirt is cute. You've got some nice things since you lost weight" ..... big Big chance that she means you look nice in your new clothing.

polkadotfever
04-04-2008, 12:16 PM
Thanks Fairie for all the examples!

And thanks for the responses. I was starting to feel like there was something dark and mysterious about the way I was feeling. I mean I know it is natural to be curious about how someone lost weight but the truth is most of us know how to do it...it's the doing it that's the hard part. ;)

It really is a very personal journey isn't it? We all have very different experiences.

polkadotfever
04-04-2008, 12:18 PM
Oh I wonder about intentions too!! I know some people I work with do not have the nicest personalities. hrmph. That could be a whole thread on its own...people and their ulterior motives!

traveling michele
04-04-2008, 12:37 PM
I love it when people notice!
It is so motivating to me and it keeps me motivated when I'm tempted to "stray" from my plan.

Hat Trick
04-04-2008, 01:04 PM
You are perfectly normal.

If you're uncomfortable, there are ways of fielding questions and comments so that you close the conversation quickly and turn it to work matters.

A compliment given = "Thank you." No more. No less.

A question such as "Have you lost weight?" = "A little. Thank you."

"How much have you lost?" = "Enough." And a smile.

"How'd you do it?" = "Hard work." And another smile.

And that last answer usually ends the conversation. :lol:

You can also quickly give an answer and change the subject.

"Thank you. Can you believe those reports are due tomorrow? Oh, boy... so much work to do before then!"


Love these and have used similar responses to different things (other than wt.) many times in my life. Took me a loooonnnnggggg time to realize that "No" is an answer and that I am under no obligation to provide further explanation, even though people feel they are entitled to one. Makes people fluster when I do this, but sometimes "No" is enough. The 'changing of subject' is great for a variety of uncomfortable situations, especially if you turn the subject around to the focus on the other person.

In the past I'd mostly just joke off any wt. loss because I didn't want people throwing questions at me and mostly because I don't think I ever really thought I'd keep the wt. off, and then what would they say? :eek:

When I was a teenager - geesh, 'weight' goes back quite a ways - my grandmother once asked me if I was 'watching my girlish figure'. I said 'yeah, and it's getting easier to see all the time.' End of conversation! :lol:

I'm actually looking forward to someone noticing -- just as long as they notice then move on to another subject!

midwife
04-04-2008, 01:13 PM
I'm very strange about this situation.

It totally depends on the person doing the asking. If it is someone "like" me, someone who has put on some weight after kids and is also making changes, I love the recognition and I can talk about it ad nauseum.

If it is someone I know to be athletic (ie marathoner), then I also love the recognition and will talk about it.

If it is someone younger than me who I have always known to be slim, I don't like it very much.

If it is a good longtime friend, I am happy when they notice.

If it is someone I can't really identify with and I am not very close to, it irritates me. Mainly cause I am surprised that they would even notice. Or care. And usually if I am talking to such a person, I have other things I need to be talking about.

And sometimes a certain person might bug me on one day but not another. Figure that one out!!!

And sometimes when someone asks how much I have lost, I am proud to say I have lost over 30 pounds. And sometimes right after I say that, I feel embarassed....like I "should never" have gotten so overweight to begin with.

So, you are not alone. I think many of us have different reactions to these situations and I think a simple, "Oh, thanks" will always be enough.

bargoo
04-04-2008, 01:19 PM
Faerie has the best response.

yoyonomoreinvegas
04-04-2008, 01:30 PM
(My husbands grandmother asked at Easter if I was losing weight, and I knee-jerk reacted with a 'no') I think b/c my attitude is very different this time around. I am more focused on how I FEEL and how HEALTHY I am being. Looking better is really just a bonus for me. I think Faerie has some fantastic ideas about how to respond. (Esp. the changing the subject idea!)

I think a lot of our reactions can be different depending on our frame of mind at the time we get the comment. Just a few weeks ago someone posted a smilar question and I answered all pouty that no one had noticed. Thought I would be thrilled when someone finally did. Then it happend - coworker said "your DIET is working isn't it?". Of course, I just smiled and said "thank you for noticing" but on the inside I was all indignant and bristly thinking to myself "this is NOT a DIET! This is just the way I eat now"

Scarlett
04-04-2008, 01:43 PM
I have lost weight before and I felt awkward about the comments...like the person is saying yeah I noticed you were fat before..but you look great now. It's even more awkward when you've only lost like 10 lbs and people notice...like they have been closely monitoring how much you weight everytime they see you. Whenever someone would say something I would blow it off and act like it wasn't intentional (when I'd been literally working my *** off). I would say something like, yeah since last semester ended and I haven't been so stressed I've just stopped eating as much...I really haven't been doing anything. Then promptly change the subject. I'm not ashamed of dieting, I just don't want people to know. I don't want them to think I'm going off my diet if I take a day off and eat something fattening in frount of them. I really just don't like that kind of attention. I would prefer to be told I look great in general (rather than specifically mention the weight).

Even though I don't revel in them at the moment...it feels good to have someone notice.

Idealmuse
04-04-2008, 01:59 PM
I think I like comments, but it's only because no one even freekin' noticed until I lost like 60-70lbs or at least they didn't comment until then.

However I'm only starting to get to the point where I'm appearing as a "normal" weight person so as the attention ramps up the more uncomfortable I get. I'm used to being pretty invisible.

lipidful
04-04-2008, 02:44 PM
I'm another one of those private "don't want to talk about it" people. I could never understand the advice given about weight loss that goes "tell people what you are trying to do so you can have a support system". I guess I can understand why other people would like that, but when I started to try to lose weight, I told NOBODY. Only myself. I didn't even discuss it with my best friend. She might have noticed that I was drinking less alcohol and eating less junk on our outings, but otherwise I never said anything. I wanted it to be completely private. I hate that it is made "public" by such an obvious thing as the size of our bodies. I hated the compliments, the questions-anything at all having to do with weight. I was grateful when nothing at all was said. I know this sounds opposite of what a lot of other people want, but I want you to know that you're not alone in that anxiety! Now that I've been at this weight for a couple of years, the comments have mostly stopped, except from my mother who likes to jab me when I refuse something.
I forgot to say why I feel this way. I didn't want the constant scrutiny and monitoring from other people. If I want to eat something, then I will eat it. If I don't want it, then I don't want to have to eat it. It's my body, my choice! I'm not strong enough yet to not let people's comments bother me, though. :(

polkadotfever
04-04-2008, 03:03 PM
That's pretty much exactly how I feel, lipidful. :)

BattleAx
04-04-2008, 03:09 PM
It's not weird. Everyone feels differently about the comments.

I love 'em. Keep the compliments coming! More, more, more! I'm proud and happy.

fiberlover
04-04-2008, 03:47 PM
It's not weird at all. I think deep down, the comments make us realize that we never really did fool anyone about our weight. We all dress nice, try to find the most flattering clothes - all in an attempt to camouflage the fact that we are overweight. Because if no one talked about it, it was like the weight wasn't there.

Now when comments happen, it is tacit acknowledgment by all parties that we were fat. And that is embarrassing. At least to me.

I don't mind a quick comment, but the lengthy ones get on my nerves.

cheetara
04-04-2008, 04:24 PM
For the most part, I hate compliments. People (usually) mean well, but I still take them backhandedly anyways. In my head, I've always looked a certain way. I don't need to be reminded constantly that's not the case. For the most part, though, I just keep my guard up and let it all bounce off.

What I really hate is when people know me well enough to know that I don't like excessive compliments and they do it anyway. Either they are trying to shove self-esteem down my throat (being shown [repeatedly] how transparent I am is damaging in itself) or they just can't stop themselves from bubbling over, so how dare I try to rob them of their joy. One such friend calls me "Skinny Girl" every time she sees me (with 100+ lbs still to lose) and just does not get why that hurts.

Attention from random strangers, now, I don't mind. Especially cute ones. ;)

Tealeaf
04-05-2008, 04:38 AM
I like comments. I have no problem at all talking about my weight with anyone. That said, I am looking forward to the day when the comments stop. When the fact that I am a reasonable weight in no longer something to take note of.

I'll be glad when my being of normal weight is seems normal to everyone else as well.

cephalopod gal
04-05-2008, 04:18 PM
I'm still not sure how I feel about comments. In my mind, I think I would enjoy them, but lately my boyfriend has been saying "You're getting so skinnyyyy." I have lost maybe some centimeters (lol) around my bust and maybe a little on my waist, but I haven't really noticed much other than that. My boyfriend says that he can tell on my thighs, but I can't, lol. At first I appreciated the comments, but then they kept coming more and more (mind you, this is only from my boyfriend, no one else). I think he thought it was uplifting and supportive, so I'm not nor was I ever upset with him about it. I just found it annoying and I started worrying that I'd get complacent and not be as driven for my weight loss. So, the other day, I explained to him that while I do appreciate the compliments, I would prefer it if he kept them to a minimum. I explained why (fear of complacency, frequency=less sincere, etc), and he completely understood.

What I can't wait for, however, is when relatives see me and say something, or when old friends that live out of town see me. That's gonna be awesome. :D

jcatron243
04-05-2008, 04:37 PM
I got a great comment from a female co-worker who I only see like once every two months she said (and I quote) "OMG, I didn't know it was you from behind your A$$ used to be this big and now it is this" she used her hands to show me how big I was and how not so big I am now. When she asked how much weight I had lost I was honest "none" (well in the last couple months) but I have gone down a couple pant sizes. :)

I don't mind the nice comments from people who are nice. I don't like the comments that feel patronizing. I hate it when people ask how I have lost weight and then proceed to change the subject when calorie count/excercise come out of my mouth.

amy180
04-05-2008, 11:03 PM
I pretty much dislike it when people comment on it, and sometimes even lie and say I haven't lost any to change the subject. A few years ago someone commented (i'd lost 60 lbs since she'd last seen me) and I claimed it was from having the flu! (I did have the flu, but the weight loss was from exercise!) I don't know, everybody is different. I mean, there are people I will talk about it with, and recently I am getting less uncomforatble in general talking about weight-related issues in general, but sometimes you do question people's motives and the main thing is that is CAN be a touchy subject and some people seem not to realize that.

lovnmom
04-07-2008, 12:02 PM
I also use a lot of Fairie's suggestions to shut down the subject. I will talk to no end on 3FC how I'm doing what I'm doing and how I feel about it, but in real life there is only one person I feel totally comfy discussing my journey with. Now my mother, she's the one that sent me on the spiralling up and down yo yo crazy life I had before soooooo, I don't let her in at all. She'd just say something offensive and then deny it anyway.

I don't think you should feel weird about not liking comments. We all have the right to choose how much info we want to give anyone. It's terrific having freedom of speech it's also terrific having the freedom NOT to speek.

Rock on. You are doing terrific!

LeiGul
04-07-2008, 04:36 PM
Great suggestions! I love an occasional comment, probably because they have only JUST started! Lol. Being tall doesn't help, it takes a while for people to notice, which is great going up, but not so great coming down. I like an occasional comment, but don't like it from my skinny friends!

Scarlett
04-07-2008, 05:29 PM
It's not weird at all. I think deep down, the comments make us realize that we never really did fool anyone about our weight. We all dress nice, try to find the most flattering clothes - all in an attempt to camouflage the fact that we are overweight. Because if no one talked about it, it was like the weight wasn't there.

Now when comments happen, it is tacit acknowledgment by all parties that we were fat. And that is embarrassing. At least to me.

I don't mind a quick comment, but the lengthy ones get on my nerves.

beautifully put...thats exactly how I feel. Like the person is saying they noticed you used to be fat.

full of grace
04-07-2008, 11:29 PM
So, today I got my first comment on my weightloss and thought immediately of this thread and all of you. I smiled really BIG :D simply because my first thought was, "I can post on that thread now!" Hee!

I saw a new business partner I've seen every six to ten days for the past five weeks or so. So, she's seen me losing weight, I guess, but it wasn't until today's meeting that it clicked for her "enough" to say anything. She was hugging me hello and then pulled back and said, "You're losing weight!"

I said (with that big, "I get to post on that thread now" grin), "Yes, I am!"

She asked, "All the stress?" (Because she knows our business venture has involved its stresses, of course.)

"Oh, no," I replied. "It's intentional. I'm working at it."

To which she replied, "But you always look so good anyway."

And I said, "Yeah, I'm always 'lookin' good,' but now I'm lookin' better."

(I was SHOCKED at how egomaniacal I sounded!! But I was laughing and having fun with it and just thrilled to be able to test out the "how do comments feel" question with someone who said exactly the right thing--that I already looked great, but that the weightloss was noticeable.)

Anyway, so apparently, I was in a really great place at that moment and that's how I took the comment on my weightloss. We all shared a laugh and that was the end of the conversation. No one cared what I was doing or how I was making it happen, just that I was happy with it... and that was a really cool feeling.

:carrot:

Happy to be feelin' good! :dizzy:

havoc
04-08-2008, 09:23 AM
Compliments are nice, but the baggage that comes with them just sucks.

I'm generally not an overt person either, but several years back (before my wedding), I lost nearly 50 lbs. doing WW. It wasn't like I could keep 50 lbs. a secret, so my coworkers commented a LOT and asked what I was doing. At that point, I liked to think that honesty was the best policy, so I told them the whole truth. In hindsight, I wish Faerie would have hit me with her advice back then. I should have just said "Thanks - I'm just doing what I'm doing" and moved on.

I'll admit that the compliments were nice, and they did motivate me to keep going. The problem was that, once my coworkers knew that I was on WW, they were constantly going out of their way to keep "bad food" away from me. One of the reasons I was so successful on WW back then was that no food was off-limits. There was no "bad food". I just had to plan. My coworkers did not understand this.

I knew when the monthly office birthday cake was coming, so I banked my points (this was back in the 1-2-3 points days) so that I could participate. But when the day finally came, my coworkers would make a HUGE deal out of passing me by because I "wouldn't want that cake - what with all my weight loss progress", and if I'd take a piece anyway, then I'd have the disdainful looks to put up with for the rest of the day. Trying to explain the plan or explaining that I had been participating all along (even before they noticed my weight loss) didn't work. Their efforts in looking out for my "well-being" just left me frustrated.

...and when I went off WW and started gaining it all back, OMG - the chatter was horrendous!

Listen to Faerie - she's a smart one! And by "smart one", I don't mean a WW frozen meal. That would be a capitalized Smart One with one of those copyright thingies after it that I can't make in HTML.

momof4girls
04-08-2008, 09:28 AM
I love it when people comment. I keeps me motivated. The only part about people noticing that I DONT like is that then I feel like they are watching me. Watching what I eat, or watching to see if I gain back...that kind of thing.

havoc
04-08-2008, 09:35 AM
And I said, "Yeah, I'm always 'lookin' good,' but now I'm lookin' better."

(I was SHOCKED at how egomaniacal I sounded!! But I was laughing and having fun with it and just thrilled to be able to test out the "how do comments feel" question with someone who said exactly the right thing--that I already looked great, but that the weightloss was noticeable.)

You might not have sounded as egotistical as you think! One of the things that kicked me into gear to get my wide butt back into WW was an interview with Queen Latifa. She's not a little girl, but she's gorgeous. Ellen Degeneres started the interview by talking about Latifa's weight loss and recent breast-reduction surgury. Ellen started the next question with, "Some people have accused you of being sexy." Latifa popped up in her chair, her face absolutely lit up. That woman glowed! The audience went nuts. She turned to grin at the audience, and said in the funniest, happiest, confident voice, "Well, then I'm guilty as charged!". She didn't sound even the least bit egotistical. She was so happy and so pleased.

All I could think of was that I want to feel as happy as Latifa looked at that moment. I want to be guilty of being sexy again. :devil:

full of grace
04-08-2008, 07:24 PM
You might not have sounded as egotistical as you think! One of the things that kicked me into gear to get my wide butt back into WW was an interview with Queen Latifa. She's not a little girl, but she's gorgeous. Ellen Degeneres started the interview by talking about Latifa's weight loss and recent breast-reduction surgury. Ellen started the next question with, "Some people have accused you of being sexy." Latifa popped up in her chair, her face absolutely lit up. That woman glowed! The audience went nuts. She turned to grin at the audience, and said in the funniest, happiest, confident voice, "Well, then I'm guilty as charged!". She didn't sound even the least bit egotistical. She was so happy and so pleased.

All I could think of was that I want to feel as happy as Latifa looked at that moment. I want to be guilty of being sexy again. :devil:

What a GREAT example! Thank you!

"Guilty as charged!" I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!! :carrot: Thanks!

cephalopod gal
04-08-2008, 08:08 PM
You might not have sounded as egotistical as you think! One of the things that kicked me into gear to get my wide butt back into WW was an interview with Queen Latifa. She's not a little girl, but she's gorgeous. Ellen Degeneres started the interview by talking about Latifa's weight loss and recent breast-reduction surgury. Ellen started the next question with, "Some people have accused you of being sexy." Latifa popped up in her chair, her face absolutely lit up. That woman glowed! The audience went nuts. She turned to grin at the audience, and said in the funniest, happiest, confident voice, "Well, then I'm guilty as charged!". She didn't sound even the least bit egotistical. She was so happy and so pleased.

All I could think of was that I want to feel as happy as Latifa looked at that moment. I want to be guilty of being sexy again. :devil:


Omg. Fact: I love Queen Latifah. Haha.