General chatter - Money, Money, Money

Okay.. I just need to vent...

So in my previous relationships I was always the person who made more money, even when I was married. Now I am divorced and in a relationship with a wonderful man. He happens to make more than me. My budget is tight right now because I bought a house and then my car went out.. etc..

My bf & I have been together for a year and a half and we are currently looking to buy a house together and each sell our individual houses... I'm concerned b/c he is so weird with money.. It's so frustrating.. I'm struggling to get by & he's fine financially.. yet I tell him that I'm struggling and all he says is.. "I worry about you"... ummmm thanks.. but how about helpin a sista out? I hate asking for help & I won't ask him... He hates that I have cc debt & I'm trying not to use my cc & pay them down.. but it's tough...

I talked to him on the phone tonight and told him that I really want to go visit my best friend in ATL and told him that I am going to have to charge the ticket and charge having my wisdom teeth removal and charge groceries the next couple weeks b/c I'm really tight right now... He said.. I mailed you a check for $25 to help out with groceries since I eat there a lot...

Are you kidding me? Soooo what the heck do you do when your bf (you are soon to live with).. and hopefully soon to be fiance mails you a check for $25?????? I'm at a loss... We have discussed money before and his stance is that he's worked hard for his money and he shouldn't be punished b/c of my debt.... wow

Okay... that's all.. for now.. just needed to get that all out....

Feel free to comment..............:?::(:mad:

I would seriously rethink just being with this guy, let along buying a house with him. If both of your names are on the mortgage you will need to work together to pay the bills, and if he is really weird already about money, that might cause some problems. Don't get yourself committed into something so big as buying a house together when he is already weird about money. I'm sorry things are tight for you now (it is the same for me), and if doesn't want to help you out, then I guess that is his decision, but he needs to think about what is going to happen if you end up getting married - your debt will basically become his debt. Is he going to tell you "tough" when you need help when you get married? I would seriously think about being with this guy, and would really reconsider buying a house with him until you have talked to him about this more.

Money differences are often the hidden bomb waiting to go off in relationships.

If you think he's strange about money now, you have no idea just how strange things will get if the two of you get married. Once your debt is his debt (because that's what marriage means, legally) he's likely to be the control freak from ****. Doesn't sound fun to me.

IMO, though, I have to say he's right--he shouldn't be punished for your debt. But it's odd that he sees it that way. Huge red flag in that phrase!

Jay

I agree -- money issues are the #1 reasons marriages fail. And when you already have money problems going in, it doesn't seem like it's the best option for either of you. I would never marry someone who has a lot of debt -- I can understand his concern. And I would, never, ever give money to a significant other, regardless of their situation. Both of my sisters got into relationships in which their husbands/boyfriends had significant debt. I never did. They both have two incomes, yet my standard of living is way higher (and I make the same as my sister and her husband and my younger sister and her bf make more). They were definitely punished by their SO's debt (mind you both of my sisters' pay most of the bills). It wasn't fair to them. I will be buying my first house this year (and I was going to go to Italy but I got ill) and I drive a new car. My sisters won't be able to buy a house or a new car because they have ruined credit (my younger sister used her credit cards to try to help her boyfriend out). It's an enormous issue to someone who thinks and plans for the future.

Ahh money... even my fiancé and I have a few issues to work out. We actually had a blunt discussion when we decided to get married about money, what it means to us, how we spend it, where our debt is right now, how we're each working to lower it, etc. And not to say there won't be fights or tiffs, but we're at least starting a basic plan of where money is gonig to go, and where it's going to come from for the time being. I also refuse to move in with him until we're married. I see FAR too many problems coming out of us living together (with money especially) before his & mine becomes "ours". Not to mention, I watch countless hours of Judge shows... (don't judge me! :lol:) how many of those are filled with exes who have pooled their money into some big financial disaster! Scary!

It seems like you've started to discuss the money issue, but unless more of it is ironed out, I can only see this turning into a huge ugly black hole when you invest in a home together. As everyone has said, if he's weird about money now... just think it'll be 10 fold in the house you're both funding. As long as you can both talk about his being "weird" about money, and as long as you can both be open about it and how it's going to be, it might turn out to be less weird. Again, you'll both have to understand and accept how the other is with money issues before buying the house.

It sounds like you two have different money philosophies. You want to go to Atlanta, but you can't afford groceries? Different priorities. I think he sounds pretty straightforward with money, and doesn't want to encourage you to spend a lot on nonessentials you can't really afford.

I would definitely have a heart to heart before entering into a long term contract (like buying a house!). Find out what is important to both of you. I don't think he is that strange though. It sounds like he wants to help a little but doesn't want to be an enabler.

Tough situation. I hope I didn't offend you.

Since you asked for advice...

I would've never married anyone who couldn't manage their finances. If they were constantly going into debt, I'd walk away. If they had debt and were making strides to pay it off and weren't creating new debt, that'd be a different issue. Giving money to someone who can't manage the money they have doesn't solve the problem so I can understand him not giving you any money or giving you a small amount. When I found myself in debt, I slashed my expenses dramatically and used other strategies to start getting ahead of my debt. So I definitely understand finding yourself in debt but you need to get on top of it before it gets any worse.

I also think you need to sit down with him and go over expectations. Your expectations may be different. He may expect that even if you happen to get married, that you will be solely responsible for paying your bills. He may expect you to pay half of the living expenses (mortgage, utilities, etc). Unless you come to an understanding of how finances work, I'd definitely hold off on moving in together/buying a house together and hold off on any thoughts of marriage.

I have to agree with others that it would be wise to rethink the whole relationship with this man and especially the "buying a house together" thing.
You and him are definitely from two different financial planets. Once you live together (I assume you would eventually get married?) there is no such thing as his or her debt - it becomes our debt.
Have you ever discussed how it would work (financially) once you buy a house together? how are you going to pay the mortgage? Split it 50/50 regardless how much each spouse makes? Groceries - the same? I know some couples keep having separate accounts and each contributes towards mortnage, groceries and other household expenses, and each keeps the rest of his/her paycheque. I don't know - this would not work for me (but obviously it does work for other people).
Also, I think that you should NOT be going to visit your friend in Atlanta (how about her coming to visit you instead?) since you need to charge it on the credit card (plus the wisdom teeth, the groceries, etc). You already have a credit card debt and this way (by charging unnecessary expenses) you are burying yourself deeper.

Don't get me wrong - I charge EVERYTHING to my credit card (including groceries) to my credit card because my card has a good reward system, but all my expenses are fully paid by the due date each month. I have enough to worry about (financially) and I absolutely refuse to pay interest on credit cards (which is typically sky-high).

I'm one of those married folks who DOES have completely separate finances. When we got married, I did have debt. I also had a house and a car, and he had a truck. He moved in with me and we lived together for almost 2 years before we were married. It just worked out that we split the house payment down the middle, as we did with all the monthly expenses. My car payment is mine, his truck payment is his. My paycheck is mine, his is his. My previous debt is mine, his is his, including student loans. We have one shared credit card for things like vacations. We pay on it together. Works like a charm for us! We may discuss finances, but I can honestly say in the 15 years of being together, we have never argued over money.

Please please sit down and talk to your sweetie before making any big decisions. I agree with all before me - sounds like you two are different financial paths. Not bad, just different. Work out those differences now rather than waiting until it's too late.

Oh, and I also agree with the poster that suggested holding off on that trip to Atlanta. If there isn't money for groceries now (you mentioned that you'll need to put groceries on your credit cards for a while), it sounds like this is a great time to start a monthly budget. Figure out what IS within your financial means: things like the necessities, pay off some of that existing debt, then put aside some each month and "reward" yourself with a trip to Atlanta to visit your friend when you have the funds available.

Good luck!

It sounds like you two have different money philosophies. You want to go to Atlanta, but you can't afford groceries? Different priorities. I think he sounds pretty straightforward with money, and doesn't want to encourage you to spend a lot on nonessentials you can't really afford.

I would definitely have a heart to heart before entering into a long term contract (like buying a house!). Find out what is important to both of you. I don't think he is that strange though. It sounds like he wants to help a little but doesn't want to be an enabler.

Tough situation. I hope I didn't offend you.

Yeah, that. :hug:

He's weird with money because he's financially responsible while you plan trips you can't afford and get ticked because he isn't offering to help out with your money troubles?

Personally I would never be in a relationship with somebody who didn't share my attitude toward handling money. Way too many resentments and disagreements.

Before my b/f graduated we talked about money and the way he sees it is we are not married or engaged so he does not feel that it is my responsibility to help him if he is struggling. He will not ask for money from me, but rather if he is completely in a bind will ask his parents. He feels that I shouldn't be responsible to help him out. I respect this and so if I know he is struggling I will buy the groceries for that week, and things. Or I will go ahead and pay the bills and not mention it to him. That works for us, and actually we have already discussed the way it will work in the future, and we have agreed on how it will be. I think that you two definately need to have a sit down and see what is going on first before you move in. If you still have these issues on your mind and don't talk about them and then move in together you will begin to resent him for not helping more etc... and that can be a quick relationship killer. Also, sit down and see whether financially at this time moving in together would help or hinder your financial situation. Best wishes

Ok, This may sound wrong. But I think you need to rent out one of your houses (or both) and live together for a while. (after all you really don't know a person until you have lived with them) Never, Ever, sell them.That way if all fails you have something to go back to.
Throw all your bills on the table have them paid out though a bank account,work out a budget for food etc and give yourself's a certain amount of pocket money (each) to cover outings, gas, etc Cut up the credit cards.
And Yeh I know sounds easy, it does take time to get used to anything new.
Good Luck

Does anyone else think it's weird that he MAILED the check???

He's weird with money because he's financially responsible while you plan trips you can't afford and get ticked because he isn't offering to help out with your money troubles?
I have to agree with this point of view.

You are not engaged yet and not even living together. I don't think he should be responsible for "helping out" when you're spending money on trips to visit friends while you're unable to pay for groceries.

I don't think he's being "weird" with money. I think he's probably sitting back and bit and waiting to see if you are capable of managing your own finances before he gives you money that he may never get back again.

I think you might be the one who needs to reassess here.

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Oh boy.. I think you guys definitely need to sit down and really TALK about money and what your goals are and how much you guys would want to save per month for retirement, rainy day fund, fun things fund and etc before you guys even move in together and let alone buy a house. I think an above poster had a perfect suggestion, rent out one of your houses first before selling both of them and buying one together. Also I would not be going to Atlanta if you're having to charge your groceries and your wisdom teeth procedure. I also think it's a bit odd he MAILED you the check. I'm unsure if this is a long distance relationship or what and you guys only see each other on weekends or what the case is on that but that would make me think he doesn't plan on seeing me again if a check were mailed to me by my boyfriend. And his comment to you about how he doesn't want to be punished by your debt is also a red flag to me. You yourself just said you're concerned and that he's weird with money already so it sounds like you need to listen to what your gut is telling you and maybe hold off on some of these things like buying a house together. But just have a long good talk with him and I think afterwards you'll know what to do. If he refuses to talk then that's an answer in itself.

It sounds like you two have different money philosophies. You want to go to Atlanta, but you can't afford groceries? Different priorities. I think he sounds pretty straightforward with money, and doesn't want to encourage you to spend a lot on nonessentials you can't really afford.

I would definitely have a heart to heart before entering into a long term contract (like buying a house!). Find out what is important to both of you. I don't think he is that strange though. It sounds like he wants to help a little but doesn't want to be an enabler.

Tough situation. I hope I didn't offend you.

I think Midwife says it very well.... Tough situation.. but it's best to address it now, than to continue revolving debt...

I really appreciate everyone's opinions.. I have a very open mind and agree that we HAVE to talk about this stuff.. Upon reading some responses I noticed that I kind of made myself sound irresponsible and greedy.. Not to "defend" that.. I do just wanna say that I guess I've been screwed big time in the past b/c I've always made more than the other person I've been with and always helped them out and took it on as a partnership & to benefit us both.. lets get this worked out.. type of attitude..
*
and the wanting to go to atlanta when i need to charge groceries is def sounding bad.. ... I guess in my mind.. i know that i need to charge a few groceries the next couple weeks to hold me over til next pay day.. it's not that i'm starving and wanna take a cruise .. i know.. i know.. my way of justifying probably..

I guess I just think of a partnership being formed .. I take on his problems and help him work through them.. shouldn't he be doing the same.. not mailing me a check for $25 .. when we see each other everyday at work? couldn't he just have offered to pick up some groceries? Or offered to help me out with my wisdom tooth removal..

The house we are buying "together" is only going to be in his name since we are not married.. and I have already made it clear that my house will not be sold until we are engaged and moving forward.. so when he wanted to move forward with the house hunting I took that as he has a plan in the works..

I guess the bottom line is I need to talk to him.. I don't think I'm comfortable having a significant other who lives a better life than I do because he makes more than me.. I just want him to treat me like I would treat him if the roles were reversed..

Money is something I've never fought with someone about before.. but I guess that's because I'm used to having more and being generous with it..

Kudos to you for taking the responses here well - I have to admit that some of them (mine included) were strongly phrased. :)

One thing that you might consider is that he might have been burned financially before or that someone he knows or is close to might have been financially burned and so he's being more cautious than he might otherwise be. Also I do believe it's true that one can be generous without being generous with your *money* ... he may feel the same way - that he's supporting you emotionally or in other ways.

Money is a really touchy subject and it can make or break a relationship. I've been there on both sides of the equation many times.

As far as the trip to Atlanta goes - I do understand. I don't think it's a wise decision for you given what you've told us ... and given that you kind of expect help paying for the wisdom teeth ... BUT ... I will say that I've made similar decisions in the past myself (Ahem - massage package at the spa and then realized that I spent more than I thought I did and was going to have to pull money from my tax account to pay the rent??? ... no ... uh uh. Never did that.). Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to say "maybe you should think about that a bit".

I don't think he's being unreasonable. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're each coming at it from different angles and need to talk about it a lot more in depth before you move in together.

I know in my own relationship - I am much more comfortable carrying debt than my husband is ... and I'll carry a few thousand dollars in debt w/out a qualm. But I hate spending piddly little amounts here and there on a daily basis. On the other hand, my husband freaks out about any kind of debt (thought he'd have a stroke when I put my new $4000 camera on my credit card) but he'll eat out every day of the week for lunch and not worry that at the end of the pay period, he's got little cash left. Different people, different worries, different perceptions. It all just has to be discussed.

Good luck!

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I dunno, as an outside observer, I see it as more as 2 people with different philosophies and way of managing their money rather than one having a better life than the other. Including the ability to live within their means.

I've known people who made $200k/year and weren't able to live within their means while others made $20k/year and were able to live within their means (and actually have savings). It sounds like you aren't able to live within your means and you are not even able to live paycheck to paycheck. I can understand 'issues' coming up but those issues are always inevitable and need to be planned for somewhat. I think we can all understand though getting caught in a bind and being a bit frustrated by it.

When I was dating, I did date guys who made less than me as well as guys that made more than me. I never really felt in either case that either of us had a better life than the other. The amount of money you make rarely has anything to do with your ability to budget and live within your means. (Of course you could be making peanuts but even people making peanuts can make do, sometimes). My husband makes more than me and did when we were dating but yet I was the one that had things that he didn't, such as a house (and a reasonable mortgage). Of course with our combined incomes, our goals are shared goals are similar to our individual goals: save money, avoid debt, plan for the future and most of all, have fun while doing it.

The real idea though is that both of you talk through the finances and establish expectations which sounds like you are on the way to doing.

i pretty much agree with the above posters. Its hard to expect someone who's finacially responsible to accept your debt/loans. I was once in your position. Had a large amount of credit debt and school loans. However, I quickly made myself turn things around. I budgeted better and didn't take trips when money was not available. I still have a student loan...and dh was definately not exactly thrilled but we made lots of agreements, budgets etc when we decided to get married. I would highly recommend to follow the suggestion of not selling your house and renting. Move in together...but before you do...straighten out all your finances. Figure out how things are going to be paid for. Who's going to pay what etc. I also think you shouldn't be going to Atlanta if you have to put groceries on a credit card. I know its probably what you don't want to hear...and i know we all need a break..but if you have to charge it and don't have the ability to pay it off at the end of the month...you shouldn't go. I think it would be wise to sit down with a debt counselor. There are many of them out there that will help you for free. It sounds like you really need to take a good look at ways you could cut out expenses and get debt under control. You should never rely on others to help you out. Finances (like others stated) are one of the biggest issues that end most relationships. You shouldn't rely on him...even if you are in love. I know its hard to get finances straighted out...but its time to really take a look at your budget and get cracking on ways to get rid of the debt. You should also seriously think about getting a good understanding of how each would contribute financially to the relationship before you guys move in together. Good luck and I hope things get better for you.