100 lb. Club - Readjusting my mind




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julzchiki
03-02-2008, 06:12 AM
I need help. My mind is twisted and needs readjusting.

It's been some time since I've been active on 3FC but I want to come back. I can't do this by myself. I've dropped the ball. I've lost control of my eating and lost the desire to exercise. The rest of my life is slowly starting to unravel because I lack the desire to care for myself. Isn't that horrible? This is my all time low in terms of effort and desire to lose weight. Sometimes I just think maybe the people around me would be so much less stressed and worried if I just weren't around anymore. I'm not suicidal (because that last statement makes it sound like I might be), I'm just wondering why I got to where I am and why I allow myself to be the cause of worry for so many in my life (particularly my family) and still sometimes (based on my eating habits) not seem to care. It's pretty clear to me that I numb myself with food. Food seems to be my escape but I think I'm so numb from it all that I don't really even know what I'm escaping from. Does that sound weird?

I told myself that this year I would take the word "diet" out of my mouth when speaking and thinking in relation to my health because to me "diet" is filled with failure and frustration. My goal for this year was to "gain health". But, instead I don't seem to be gaining anything but pounds. I've been noticing that I am addicted to sugar, I'm losing sleep (too many nights waking myself up and being filled with worry that I'm killing myself by being so fat-tonight is one of those nights so I'm writing this when I should be sound asleep). It used to be that I want to drop dress sizes (which is still true) but it doesn't seem that simple anymore. I have to attend a wedding in a month or so and there'll be a BIG reunion. I should be so happy that I'm going and I"ll be seeing all of my family but instead I am ridden with embarrassment and shame and worried that I will show up at the wedding in an unstylish, age inappropriate outfit that will make me feel unattractive and older than my age. I say this because I went shopping yesterday for a dress and found many cute styles only to realize they didn't fit and those that did made me look horrendous. Self-pity and disgust but that was the experience.

Wedding aside, I'm noticing little things that didn't happen before like my knees getting tired or getting up off the floor isn't so easy or my muscles feeling abnormally tight and tense. I can eat a lot before I really feel full but I eat a lot of sugary and not nutritious foods anymore. Where did the girl who was walking/running half marathons only 3-4 years ago go?

I need help. I amaze myself that I have this mindset of not wanting to lose weight even though I know I need to. Isn't that weird? I need to and "want" to lose the weight but I don't "want" to lose the weight because I'm tired of this problem. I'm tired of being obese and I"m tired of having a weight problem. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to go to a normal store and wear normal clothes. I want to be able to climb stairs and not lose my breath. I want to look at food and have a normal relationship with it. I don't want to be tortured anymore. Yes, the torture only seems to be getting worse. Whats more... for someone who enjoys an active lifestyle (I keep busy schedules with many events and activities to improve my life or skill) I have no desire to be physically active at the moment. I'm so bored with my old routines. I belong to a gym but I don't go and I just don't feel the same excitement or motivation to be physically fit.

How do I get motivated to want to change my life and gain health? *sigh*

I can't believe it's the middle of the night and I'm still wide awake!


rockinrobin
03-02-2008, 07:57 AM
I'm glad to see you back here again. That's most DEFINITELY a start.

That post of yours could have been mine, just about to a "T", not even 2 years ago. I felt so many of the same things that you did. I too would stay awake at night worried about my health. I too was tired of being obese, feeling miserable, my knees KILLED and on and on and on. I so badly wanted to feel and be "normal".

I think you need to be sick and tired ENOUGH to make a change. I think you need to want to feel "normal" and good badly ENOUGH to make a change. You need to want it sooooo badly, that you are ready to give up the high calorie/high quantity food - NO MATTER WHAT. You realize that yes, it WILL be hard to give up the food, but can it really be harder THEN BEING MORBIDLY OBESE? You realize, once and for all, that if you don't want to be fat, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE. That it is up to you and that you need to TAKE CONTROL of the situation. That you most definitely have the power to change this. That it IS totally and completely up to you and you most certainly don't have to be fat if you don't want to. And enough is enough.

"When the pain of being overweight outweighs the pleasure derived from the food, that is when a change can occur."

As for the sugar, I am convinced it is just like a drug. The more you have it the more you want it. And therefore, IMO, you must do without it completely. Just like an alcoholic or a heroin addict. That that one drink or that one hit of herion will send you spiraling out of control. And therefore it is a BIG no-no, and can not be part of ones life, especially in the first months of a weight loss program. Yes, it's difficult the first 10 days - 2 weeks. But you just must somehow, someway STICK to it - and then it gets waaay easier and you feel better and you wonder why in the world you didn't do away with it beforehand.

I don't know how old you are. But I can tell you I didn't decide to change my life, I didn't decide to "gain" my health and my life back til I was 42. I urge you to do this RIGHT NOW. Don't waste another minute of your life being miserable and worried and not living up to your full potential. Losing weight is without a doubt a doable thing and anyone, absolutely anyone can do it - and that includes YOU. You will never regret it, not for a single second. A great little ditty from 3FC:

Losing weight is hard
Maintaining weight loss is hard
Being obese is hard
Choose your hard.

Julzchiki - Choose your hard. :hug:

melekalikimaka
03-02-2008, 09:48 AM
"When the pain of being overweight outweighs the pleasure derived from the food, that is when a change can occur."



Wow, I can't add much advice to what Robin has already said because to me, she's really spot-on about everything you've asked. Like she said, you have to be TIRED enough of the way things are to make a change for yourself. I too, can totally relate to everything you've said. We are about the same age (I peeked at your profile), and we are the same height. I was 233.6 at my highest weight and let me tell you, everything you've said I've experienced. Physical problems started plaguing me the older I got. I'm talking knee problems (both sides, one requiring surgery), acid reflux, daily headaches, just general lethargy from having a really bad, non-nutritive diet. One day I really looked at myself in the mirror and just didn't recognize myself. I had done the Weight Watchers program on 3 occasions and did well each time, but only got halfway to my "goal" until I started skipping meetings, then stopped completely only to regain all the weight back (I was at 48 lbs down at one point, then got lazy). I re-started for the 4th time in late Sept. 07, but this time I had 2 of my sisters with me. For some reason, this time feels different. I like the friendly competition each week whether it be on the scale, or how many miles we can outwalk each other or how many days we can really stay OP. We're also starting to pass clothes on to each other after we drop a size or two. I'm down 39.4 lbs this time and have tons of motivation because of my sisters. Do you have any friends or family that you can take a walk with? Do you have a dog that will beg you to go for a walk daily? These are just some of the small things that have worked for me and each day, I like the person I am becoming more and more. I know you see that same half-marathon running person inside you, can you bring her out again? I know you really want to, and I know that if I can do this, you can too. :hug:

I also wanted to add another saying which I find so true: "This year, I will love myself through thick and thin." You are defined by so much more than your weight and physical self. Don't forget to love yourself no matter what.


Heather
03-02-2008, 10:09 AM
Robin nailed it. I was like that too until I was 39 and had a bad fall down the stairs and realized I didn't want my weight to keep holding me back.

Even then, I still couldn't get started -- I was afraid it wouldn't work and I would just fail, AGAIN. Finally I decided that I couldn't let that mindset defeat me before I even tried.

WebRover
03-02-2008, 10:36 AM
Argh I'm having difficulty quoting from another thread to this one so I'm just pasting it here. I also can't put the link in because the link is from a search result.
These two comments really resonated with me when I read them.

Heather said in the thread "Can't Get Motivated"

"No one else can give you motivation, unfortunately. Actually, I find motivation to be overrated. There are LOTS of days I am not motivated to do what it takes. I find COMMITMENT -- to a plan that WORKS FOR YOU -- to be more helpful."

Misti in Seattle added:

"I agree with you 100%!!!!! A LOT of the time I don't feel any motivation... but it is commitment and determination! My one day to sleep in is Saturday.... most of the time I feel motivated to lie on my butt in bed a bit... but my commitment is to get up and go do two hours of water aerobics. This week the early pool time is closed so my friend and I are still going to meet at our usual 6:30 AM and go walk her gigantic hill and back (one hour walk). Motivated.... argghhh no! But do I want to be able to wear those size MEDIUM pants I bought yesterday which I can get up but are too tight... YES!!!

But I digress... motivation is a fickle feeling at best. Commitment keeps me going!"


This reminds me of the old saw - what's the difference between involved and committed?
At breakfast, the chicken is involved and the pig is committed.

So commit, and motivation will come.

shelby897
03-02-2008, 10:44 AM
You are right where I am at -- teetering on the edge of "I'm so darn sick of this"/"it's so much work" -- but it's time to jump on the bandwagon and get our butts in gear :D. I'm headed to the goals thread, I need to see a few of the before/after picks which remind me it can be done. All the "3FC matriarchs" have given you great advice -- I love their wisdom!! I wish you lots of luck!!

Lyn2007
03-02-2008, 11:31 AM
I totally agree with what Robin said.

For me, what makes the difference is just doing it. You can't wait until you FEEL like doing it, or for me it would have never happened. I just do it, and the results keep me going.

Heather
03-02-2008, 01:14 PM
Yes, that Heather who said something about commitment is dead on!! :D

julzchiki
03-03-2008, 12:46 PM
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and successes. So much of what you have all said are actions I must take and will take, particularly about loving myself. I don't know how to do that very well and it has to be a conscious decision each moment when I hit a wall.

As I get heavier, I am seeing sugar to be like a drug. If I eat it my body craves more even though my brain says "hello, you don't need to eat that". I think I will set a 14 day goal of no sugar and see how I feel. May I come back here for accountability and support on that? (I think I'll start a new thread for that.)

WebRover, your to Heather's commnet about motivation vs commitment hit a note with me as well. It has to be commitment or on the hard days nothing will get me to stay on program. It's so easy to fall off the wagon.


My first goal is focus on the present by setting daily goals (rather than be overwhelmed with all the weight that needs to be lost) and weekly goals to work on with no attention to the distant future. It'll be tough because I'm easily overwhelmed with "there's so much work to be done".

For those who have fallen off the wagon with exercise... what did you do to reinvigorate your desire to exercise. I like the way it makes me feel but right now the thought of going to a gym makes me ill. Isn't that weird? If you have any ideas on how I can get excited about it again, I'm all ears.

Dorys Girl
03-03-2008, 01:17 PM
Been there. I find that sometimes my lack of motivation comes from looking at the mountain ahead of me. Instead of focusing on tiny goals, I look at that huge mountain and tell myself 'I'm never going to get to the top...I'm never going to be thin...I'm never going to lose those 60+ pounds.' BUT, I've stopped tormenting myself with that and have focused on eating better and exercising. I figure the weight will come off eventually, even if it takes some time. Patience is important. I'd like to encourage you to just try a few small changes to your diet and add just a little exercise every day. I bet you'll be feeling better about yourself and your situation in just a few days. Hang in there.

Remember to set yourself up for success, not failure. Make your goals achievable, not unrealistic.

MamaToTomAndAlex
03-03-2008, 01:26 PM
You've had some incredibly good advice so far... and there's no need for me to echo what's already said, so I'll just add my own 2 cents to what's already been said :)

First of all... pleased to meet you!!!! I'm floundering myself at the moment and trying to get myself back on track, and today I am feeling motivated so I am going to share that with you! "D

Nothing is more motivating than losing weight. You're looking at the right now and how you feel right now and how long and hard the journey is to get to where you want to be and it seems soooo hard and sooooo long that you've not even got the heart to start it. Stop looking so far into the future.... just give yourself ONE WEEK. Say to yourself for ONE WEEK you are going to eat properly like you KNOW you can do. For ONE WEEK you are going to log everything you eat and stick to your points or calories or whatever. ONE WEEK. Just focus on that. Walk every day for 20 minutes or whatever you feel you are capable of doing or want to do.

Just for a week.

At the end of that week, see how much weight you've lost. See if that motivates you to do another week. And then take it from there. One day, or one week at a time.

*hugs*

Good luck.... :D Coming here was the first step!

Kerry
x

Lovely
03-03-2008, 01:26 PM
Hey there Julzchiki - I wish I could add more to what others have said, but I can't really. I can only add my support. That's what we're all about afterall, right? I think it's a fabulous idea that you start a thread about your daily goals or your no sugar goals in order to feel supported. We'll all be routing for you. I wish so much that I could give you a real hug right now. I hope that an internet hug will do. :hug:

Glory87
03-03-2008, 03:55 PM
As for the sugar, I am convinced it is just like a drug. The more you have it the more you want it. And therefore, IMO, you must do without it completely. Just like an alcoholic or a heroin addict. That that one drink or that one hit of herion will send you spiraling out of control. And therefore it is a BIG no-no, and can not be part of ones life, especially in the first months of a weight loss program. Yes, it's difficult the first 10 days - 2 weeks. But you just must somehow, someway STICK to it - and then it gets waaay easier and you feel better and you wonder why in the world you didn't do away with it beforehand.

It's so easy to respond to posts when I can just quote Robin. I never thought I could just quit eating sugar, but I can barely articulate how immensely freeing it is to be out from under sugar's thumb. I used to feel crazy and out of control but now I realize it wasn't ME (I mean, of course it was MY hand and MY mouth) it was the sugar and a body genetically hard wired to feast on high energy foods whenever they were available.

I didn't give it up forever, I eat sugar now (usually in controlled ways, like splitting a dessert in a restaurant) but completely giving it up in the beginning was one of the greatest keys to my success, finally, for once in my life I wasn't RULED by sugar.

Schmoodle
03-03-2008, 04:11 PM
YES!YES!YES! Sugar is my issue too, and I've never been successful losing weight until I went cold turkey. It isn't easy, sugar is hiding everywhere, in many forms. But what a relief to have those cravings disappear. I used to get shaky and feel awful until I ate something sweet, which set off a vicious cycle. You can do it, you'll have to tough it out for a week or two, but then you probably won't even want it anymore.

I love the chicken and pig thing!:rofl: I've never heard that one before!

barbygirl43
03-03-2008, 05:35 PM
You have been given such wonderful advice. I used to say life is a lot like juggling. As long as I had all the balls in the air—work, family, free-time, focusing on me for weight loss/health, etc—it was great. It never failed though that something would slip and a ball would fall. It was harder to do with one down but I could still do it. If I didn't take the time to get all my balls back up I would end up tripping over the one (s) dropped and all would come crashing down. I've sense learned that it's not a juggling act it's a planning one. Sometimes now my plans don't go the way I wanted and I work to find a different path. I no longer get so stressed when the plans don't go well and I don't feel out of control anymore.

julzchiki
03-06-2008, 06:49 PM
It's been about 4 days since I jumped back on the wagon. My little successes have been that I am journaling what I'm eating this week (even if it's not calorie counting).

OMG... I can't believe I just did this but my coworker came by a moment ago announcing that she has kidnapped chocolate cake from a meeting and was sharing it with all. Like a good puppy, I followed her all the way to the kitchen. Stared at it. Stared some more. And walked away! The thought of how the sugar will make me feel didn't sound appealing! I'm not even going to think that this is a major step on my path because it's not. It's a big step for the moment. I said no to sugar! On to the next moment of temptation. Like now when they have all now returned to their cubicles and are oohing and aahing over the tastiness of this cake. Om! Inhale, exhale... I don't need the chocolate cake. Putting on my earphones to tune them out! Sorry, your hearing me think aloud!

Back to what I was saying... so I can't say that I've stuck by my original plan of cutting sugar out of my diet completely but I have noticed that I've been cooking more this week and thinking about what food I'm going to put in my body. I've noticed that when I'm hungry or panicky when I haven't eaten (why does it seem like it has to be a requirement in my schedule rather than a need to eat) I eat whatever my hand touches or is in front of my nose or I start hunting for all the naughty foods. BUT if I plan ahead or at least think before I get hungry, I'm more likely to eat something healthier, smaller portion, or contains something natural (as opposed to processed). I've also noticed when I get more sleep and am more relaxed (a chore for me as I'm a stress bucket) I tend to stay on program more often.

Didn't mean to write a chapter but need to get over the moment of the chocolate cake and rambling on like this seems to help a little with my refocusing.

I don't have any additional question. Just sharing my struggle today and would love to hear your stories of how you readjust your thinking in times of struggle as well.

TheWalrus
03-06-2008, 07:44 PM
One thing that I read in someone's signature on this board is something along the lines of "I can't lose 100 pounds, but I can lose 10 pounds 10 times" -- I really liked the enthusiasm and honesty behind the statement. I think it's important to acknowledge that there will be bad times -- days or even weeks -- where it's honestly just TOO MUCH to do the rest of your life and the weight thing, too, and to be ok with that -- but not to give into it. So if I go out to a special dinner or NEEEEEEED something salty, I wait until I know that the need isn't going away and then I accept it and move on. As my mom said, you just have to keep moving forward every day. Good luck, and know that you are SO not alone :) I'm very new here, and I already can't stay away, even though I'm off plan for three more weeks.

Lovely
03-06-2008, 09:33 PM
Julz,
It sounds like you're truly making some excellent progress! Being aware of what you're eating at all is awesome, and then to go and avoid chocolate cake!!! Well madam... :cp: :cp: :cp: Fantastic!

Ya know.. I had a similar problem just yesterday. It was a co-worker's birthday, and of course everyone's touting the cake. When everyone came over to let me know there was cake in one of the cubes I responded with "Good to know!" What they didn't know was that I finished that thought in my head. "Good to know.... so I avoid that cube like the black death."

I, too, put on my headphones and dove into my work. You & I both made it out okay! :D