100 lb. Club - You Call This Support?!?!




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AutumnHarvest
02-15-2008, 10:01 AM
I have a friend who is, like me, significantly overweight. We're both currently working on losing weight, but we've taken two drastically different routes on how we're accomplishing this goal. I'm gradually making small lifestyle changes. She's throwing herself all into a very restrictive diet plan. Both of us are making progress.

Her weight loss is going faster, and I think mine is more sustainable. When I "fall off the wagon", I stay at a constant weight. When she falls off, she regains most or all of the weight she's lost. Since the Autumn, I've lost 27 lbs. She's lost and regained 40 with a current count of 10 lbs lost. That's all just background information, though.

At the beginning of this week, she made me a pie. :?:

I'm confused as to what her motives are. I don't know how to respond to this.

I love pie, and it isn't outside of the rules of my new lifestyle, so I had a slice before leaving it in a communal fridge with an "eat me" sign on it. Did she know this is what I'd do, or did she think I'd sit down with a fork and inhale the whole thing? :eek:

How do I respond? Should I send her a cheesecake? Do I ignore the bad juju she's sending my way?

It feels like a serious betrayal. In a few weeks, her diet plan will have picked up, and she'll shoot past my 27 lb weight loss. So why the pie?


midwife
02-15-2008, 10:04 AM
I think you guys need to stop communicating how much you have lost to each other. You can make yourself nuts wondering about her motivation, but the only thing that matters is what YOU choose to do. Sounds like you approached it sensibly. Move on. And don't worry about her plans and losses/gains so much.

Good luck.

AutumnHarvest
02-15-2008, 10:07 AM
We were supposed to be accountability buddies. :(

I guess I should find a new one?

Or would you suggest that I skip the weight loss buddy thing all together?


midwife
02-15-2008, 10:11 AM
I think that if she is causing you angst, it is not working.

I don't have a weight loss buddy, I have 3FC! But what works for me might not work for you. There are hundreds of people here who will cheer you on, be bummed out with you, and offer advice and encouragement.....and not one of us will hand you a fresh baked pie. :-)

AutumnHarvest
02-15-2008, 10:15 AM
I suppose it's a question of the bigger evil.

Am I more likely to sit in front of the computer reading about weight loss instead of working on it? Or will I eat the whole pie next time?

Possibly both :D

Pie is my kryptonite!

Jen415
02-15-2008, 10:18 AM
Wow...some friend! You would probably be better off without her as an accountability partner.

Beverlyjoy
02-15-2008, 10:21 AM
I agree...I don't think this is really support. You can take a couple of routes..plan to eat one peice or sliver and share the rest. Take it home and give it away. If you feel comfortable with it...you might ask your friend why she made you a pie when you watching your calorie intake.

Good luck.

TigerSoup
02-15-2008, 10:27 AM
Yah, I agree that maybe it would be better not to communicate weight loss numbers to each other or it's going to feel like a competition. Talking about staying on exercise and diet plans might be less frustrating and more inspiring. It's possible that she misses baking pies and because your diet plan doesn't forbid them as strongly as hers, she thinks it's ok. Or maybe she's just jealous. Either way, you can come off as a gracious and mature person by thanking her for the wonderful pie, telling her about how much your coworkers enjoyed it, and sending her a fruit basket in return. You could say "That pie was so good, I think I'm ready to wait until Thanksgiving before I eat pie again". But if she sends cookies next time, I guess you'll be forced to be a lot more blunt about it...

KforKitty
02-15-2008, 10:32 AM
Her actions could be; a) thoughtless b) deliberate. You will only find out if you ask her. If you think she is mean enough to do the latter then its time to move on without her. If its the former then perhaps a heart to heart with her might help her see that she is not helping.

BTW even if she does go shooting past you again, chances are she'll soon meet you again on her way back up when her strict regime cannot be maintained.

Kitty

SCraver
02-15-2008, 10:48 AM
That's rough... If my "New Year's Resolution Buddy" gave me a pie - I would yell at him. :lol: He and I check in to see how our 'goals' are going. His are not the same as mine. If we were both trying to lose a lot of weight - that could be hard. Although, I always like to assume the best of everyone, I wonder if your friend is a bit jealous of your steady weigh loss... She may not understand why your plan is working and hers isn't. Can you sit down with her and talk frankly about this?

If she keeps giving you things, and you just eat a serving and give the rest away... she will get bored that you are still losing weight and she hasn't sobatoged your 'diet'.

ellabella
02-15-2008, 11:05 AM
Considering the background you provided, and the two very diverse approaches that you two are taking to weight loss, my guess is that she's losing her enthusiasm because she is, after all, on an unsustainable plan with minimal results, and since she's feeling like giving up, it would be more comfortable to give up if you did, too. I don't think she's being deliberately mean or anything like that; it's just that she's only thinking about herself and her own comfort levels rather than what might be best for you. Unfortunately, in the long run, she won't provide you with support in your weight loss efforts because she's insecure & unhappy with where she is, and can't look outside herself long enough to be happy for your success - or provide you with any support or encouragement.
So, yes. You either need a new partner or none at all. About the pie? Throw it out! It's only a pie - it's not the Hope Diamond. And if pie is your kryptonite (and your partner KNOWS this) I think the message is clear enough. Just don't agonize over it. Get rid of it, and if she presumes to make you ANOTHER one, don't even bother with the sliver - Simply say, "Oh, you KNOW I really can't take that...and I absolutely won't eat it, so thanks but no thanks!"
Dieting is rough enough - we can't let other people sabotage us.
Congratulations on how well you've done - keep up the good work!

NETZI81
02-15-2008, 11:11 AM
If I were you I would say thanks for the pie it was delicious! Even though you did not even have a bite and give it away to someone else or throw it away. That will show you are the bigger person, she is jealous and trying to distract you. Show her how strong you are by saying thank you and moving on. Show her it's not a big deal. Since you are going to show her it did not "upset" or distract you she'll know her plan did not work and she'll feel ridiculous and I doubt she'll try it again! Good luck!

fiberlover
02-15-2008, 11:41 AM
I would tell her thank you for the pie, and that all of your office workers (or wherever the communal fridge was) enjoyed it as well.

I am not so sure you are accountability partners here, it sounds more like you are in competition with each other. Not necessarily in a healthy way, either.

Lainey2
02-15-2008, 11:41 AM
It seems to me the issue here is not your "friend's" motive in giving you the pie. Really, you could second guess her all day and not ever know why she did it. The thing you need to think about is whether this buddy system is working for you or not. It does not seem to be working and really helping you to be positive and attain your goals. So, that being said, you probably need to just move on and maybe find some other support system, such as this board. Don't worry about your friend, just do what's right for you. It is what you have to do to reach your goal. Good luck and you're doing great!

midwife
02-15-2008, 11:42 AM
About the pie? Throw it out! It's only a pie - it's not the Hope Diamond.



HA HA HA!!! Love it!!!!

emily445455
02-15-2008, 11:50 AM
I definitly wouldn't send her anything back...that would be stooping to her level, if that was her motive that is.

You never know, maybe she was just in one of those "I want to be nice to everyone and do something special for my friend!!" kind of moods.

Somehow I doubt it...I'd have a piece and give the rest to my non-overwieght family and friends. :)

Sounds like she needs a new diet-plan also...:(

barbygirl43
02-15-2008, 11:54 AM
You've been given such great advice. If it were me I would give it away or throw it in the trash. If I know it's my downfall there's no sense even putting it near my lips.

missingmyerica
02-15-2008, 11:59 AM
Losing weight is tough enough without worrying about what a weight loss partner thinks. My sister and I started our weight loss journey together, but it has taken us in different directions too. It has caused some bad feelings between us because I don't think she's totally ready to make the commitment right now and I am. She has told me that she feels like I'm judging her, and maybe I am....I just want us both to be healthy because I love her.

About the whole pie thing....I would be a gracious as possible and tell her how good it felt to stay on plan by only having one slice of pie. Then tell her how everyone else raved about it and wants the recipe or something. This way you come out smelling like a rose, and if her intentions were not what they should have been, she'll come out of it smelling like a skunk cabbage! ;)

You sound like you have a good plan that will work for you for the rest of your life. Quickie/restricting diets don't work as we all know. Maybe she will learn from your good example. Who knows?

Good luck.:hug:

michigan girl
02-15-2008, 12:21 PM
Give your friend the benefit of the doubt, and toss the pie or give it away. If she returns the favor in pie form, tell her thanks but no thanks.

PaulaM
02-15-2008, 12:31 PM
I don't like the sound of this pie business at all. If you're both on a diet, she shouldn't be making pie and you shouldn't be eating it, right? I think I would have said why did you give me this, you know I'm dieting (in a nice tone of voice of course). It does sound like she's tired of the whole thing and wants her eating buddy back. Be strong! I would stop talking diets with her and just go about your business.

Robin41
02-15-2008, 01:11 PM
I think I'd be a lot more direct than some of the other posters are suggesting. To begin with, the pie never would have left her hands and gotten into mine. Period. There is no rule anywhere that says that you have to accept things that are bad for you or that you do not want.

Then I simply would have said, "Why would you make me a pie when you know I'm watching my food intake?" I wouldn't have sat there and tried to figure out her intentions; I'd have asked her.

Whether she's really a friend or not is your call but she clearly is not an accountability partner so don't treat her like one.

linda25590
02-15-2008, 01:41 PM
portion it and freeze it, next time she offers one tell her its so good that as a reward for staying on plan all week you will be having one small slice every week. good luck

dali78
02-15-2008, 02:05 PM
good idea about the portions and freezing. It's hard to have everyone in your corner. But you have all of us here. Just concentrate on your own losses.

Lovely
02-15-2008, 02:23 PM
This is why I use 3FC and my WW meetings for accountability. Friends, and family members often have a tendancy to want to change, but might not be in the same place as you are. In fact, very similar things have happened with my roommate who is NOT following the same path I'm on. She wanted a partner, I said I'd gladly listen and help if she wanted it, but I'm accountable to myself.

You've made these permanent changes and you need someone or some people in a similar situation. Most unfortunately, it sounds as though your friend is on a "diet". (Ack! The D-bomb!)

I agree with Robin41 about this mostly. I'd have laughingly asked, "You made me a pie?! That's really sweet of you! But why'd you make me a pie?! You know I can't possibly have pie in my house or I'd eat it all!" You could even bring it up now & ask in a similar way! "Thanks for the pie. I shared it with all these people and they thought it was fantastic! But, why DID you make me a pie? You know it's my weakness!"

Time to count this flighty friend out as a "partner". Find someone new you can trust if you need that in-person commitment.

souvenirdarling
02-15-2008, 02:29 PM
You should have said "Oh, thank you, but you know I'm working on losing weight. Why did you make this for me?" You'd have your answer ;)

Give the pie to someone else who will really enjoy it - it'll make their day and yours ;)

LOL - I should have read everyones posts first. Obviously, we all sympathise for you! :D

LisaMarie71
02-15-2008, 05:11 PM
I agree with some of the other posters that she doesn't sound like much of an accountability buddy if she's making you pie. I probably would also ask her why she did it. "Great pie, but it's kind of weird that you would give me that when we're both trying to lose weight." And then you can explain how you had a slice and shared the rest of it with others. Maybe she'll realize at some point that you CAN have pie (a little bit) and still lose weight, and maybe she'll become more successful at weight loss so she won't be jealous of how you're doing (if that's the case -- obviously I don't know what she's thinking).

I'm telling you -- going on a crazy restrictive diet is not only unsustainable but can also make you do kooky things!! :dizzy: Oh yeah, and it's just not necessary for weight loss!

BattleAx
02-15-2008, 05:37 PM
I have been very unwilling to play along with other people's manipulations and issues when it comes to my weight loss. I have rebuffed and confronted each person who has been unsupportive or done icky things like this. I'm so not playing their game.

Michele237
02-15-2008, 05:58 PM
I wouldn't worry about the motivation -- you will never know unless you ask. I would forget it and move on. You handled it well, even having a slice if it was within your calorie total for the day - good for you. I would, like others have suggested, not comparing weight loss numbers in the future - if you would like to continue having her as a partner, why not keep it general in the future like, "how was your day?", how ya doing with your eating?, how is your exercise coming? etc.

Keep on coming here, there is loads of great support on these forums, whether you are having a good day or a bad one!

Keep up the good work, you have done a great job since Autumn!!

Michele :carrot:

FresnoBeeDude
02-15-2008, 06:09 PM
Maybe I'm thinking outside the tin here? Perhaps she found a fabulous recipe in a Prevention-type magazine, and despite that it sounds "unhealthy" maybe it isn't? Maybe substitutions for ingredients were used? I would definitely inquire to what went in the pie, and make a judgment based on that. Even though she has gained weight, it doesn't mean she's out to sabatoge everyone. The ladies I work with are always making substitutions, for the better, in the stuff they make, and bring to work.

Why go through all the trouble of preparing a pie from scratch, just to ruin a friend's diet? Why not buy a pre-made Marie Callendar's instead?

JayEll
02-15-2008, 06:22 PM
ellabella, :bravo:

What your friend did is very complex. It could be that in one part of her mind, she wanted to give you something she knew you would like. Or, it could be that that's what she told herself, while she was planning to sabotage your efforts.

If you were trying to get sober, and your "sobriety buddy" brought you a fifth of your favorite booze, what would you think? Is this really any different?

Yep, I'd tell her you've decided not to have an accountability buddy any more but just to concentrate on what you're doing by yourself. She can take it any way she likes. C'est la vie.

Jay

AutumnHarvest
02-16-2008, 04:35 PM
You all had so many great viewpoints that I hadn't thought of.

I am going to ask her about the pie and her motivations this evening. I'll report back with her response.

kfs151
02-16-2008, 05:15 PM
I'm late (maybe too late) to this but as someone who loves to cook if I was making pie and knew you liked it I would make one for you. Especially if you are on a sustainable lifestyle change pie is not out of the question for you. You did the right thing in enjoying a piece and giving the rest away. Freezing it in small portions was also a good suggestion.

I do agree that any kind of food gift from your accountability buddy is odd but I would assume good motives and chat with her and see. DH used to stop at Starbucks and get me a latte and scone even when he knew I was doing Atkins (a few years ago) and when I asked him he was just trying to do something nice for me - he knew how much I enjoyed the morning latte.

xtrisaratops
02-16-2008, 05:46 PM
My first reaction was that maybe it could have been innocent, but why would you innocently give your "accountability partner" a pie? That seems a little ridiculous to me, personally.

What kind of support is that? Very bad support.

I'd just confront her honestly and ask her what her motives are, and explain to her how it makes you feel when she puts these tempting foods right in front of you. Explain to her that you're supposed to be accountability partners, not sabotaging each other!

AutumnHarvest
02-16-2008, 08:00 PM
With my temper in check and my bruised emotions put to one side, I went ahead and thanked my friend and accountability partner for the pie. Then, I asked her why she baked me a pie when she knew I was watching my intake. The conversation went something like this.

"I've seen you eat pie on your diet, and I know you like it." :shrug: The emphasis was hers.

I explained that my lifestyle changes allow for occasional treats, and while I appreciate the gesture that I'd prefer that she not give me any more pies. She said that she wouldn't, but it was said in a very noncommittal way. :dz:

I've decided that I don't want her as a partner. :no: I don't think that she sees my way of doing things as worthwhile because they aren't restrictive enough.

I guess I'm on my own. :(

JayEll
02-16-2008, 08:10 PM
No you're not you've got all of us here! :yes: :cheer2: :cheer2:

Jay

amouse
02-16-2008, 08:15 PM
you know id say she is trying to be nice :) she knows you are on a sencible plan and you can work a slice in here and there i would have carved it up and frozen it.. So you can enjoy some more later when its fit into your plan again. Have you tryed talking to her about her yoyo method?? It will be better for her if she does it right and stays at a slow steady rate . I understand if shes not interested but do you wonder if she is a closet binger??? the up and downs seem to extreeme for it to be anything else?

what ever her motives are be it jealousy, friendship, to test your resolve what ever .. the thing is you made the decision to share it and not , freeze eat oir eat th lot .. I think you are doing fabulous and i dont know if confronting her is the best thing .. she might get really upset .. . You have enough ill power to look after your self so her maybe attempt to sabotage you is kinda a really good test to your commitment..

From were im sitting you past the test :) lol

amouse
02-16-2008, 08:18 PM
lol whoops i was posting the sae time lol.. im sorry it went bad .. :( Myabe she can still be on your side just not as close??? it is good to have a exercise buddy .. we can tell you off but she can exercise with you??? what do you reckon?? we cnt do the exercise but we can certainly be your accountability team :) . maybe we should sart a group accountability team work?? what do you reckon???

SwimGirl
02-16-2008, 10:28 PM
Sorry to hear about your friend.. it's really disappointing to realize you can't count on a friend for support. I feel for you! And you always have 3FC's!! I use this place for support more than I can even describe! Infact - mostly in my life I don't have any support. When I told my "best friend" how I lost 10 pounds in January? She told me that she lost that amount in one week, wow, totally made me want to share anything with her.

-Aimee

GirlyGirlSebas
02-17-2008, 12:11 AM
I suppose it's a question of the bigger evil.

Am I more likely to sit in front of the computer reading about weight loss instead of working on it?

:?: I don't get it. I couldn't have made it this far without such as fantastic group of accountability partners like I've found here at 3FC. I sit here and read....then, I proceed with staying on-plan and exercising. That's not so evil in my book.

AutumnHarvest
02-17-2008, 12:19 AM
:?: I don't get it. I couldn't have made it this far without such as fantastic group of accountability partners like I've found here at 3FC. I sit here and read....then, I proceed with staying on-plan and exercising. That's not so evil in my book.

Don't get me wrong. I know that this site is pretty great, but I also know that I have a tendency to be internet-obsessed. :dizzy: I could easily spend an entire day sitting in front of the computer reading rather than doing.

Some people can't resist ice cream, I can't resist pies and the internet. ;)