40-Somethings - I'm Just Not a Closer and I'm Tired of Cheering Myself Up

02-13-2008, 07:03 PM
Again. This is like a deja vu of a deja vu. I can't tell you how often this happens to me. At least 3-4 times.

The nice guy likes me, probably loves me even. Yet he chooses another woman over me. He likes us both, but for some reason... He picks someone else over me :(

I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm a good person. I'm a good mom. I'm not a witch or crazy. I'm sexy when I want to be. And I'm funny in an adorkable way.

This one says I'm the best kisser of all time (not the first time I've actually been told that), but he can't continue to date two women at the same time. That it's unfair to both of us. I know he really is into me.

And she was totally not giving him much time of day and was dating other men. She said she wasn't ready and that she always "settles." too early. Then she finds out he's dating me. So noooow she's all ready to be exclusive. I told him that sounds kind of shady. She's been married THREE times. She's had chronic depression her whole life. But they have spent more time together and they both have grown close. I feel cheated because we didn't get much of a chance to get closer.

When we've been together, it's usually around other people or at a movie. When we actually talk, it's been so much fun. When he and I talked about it today, I didn't throw a fit or anything (even though he said it would have been easier), but it breaks my heart that we can't be friends anymore (she won't let me and he knows he would want to kiss me). I hate this because I don't have many friends in this town. I hate feeling like the consolation prize.

Anyway, my first instinct was to come home and devour an entire box of Thin Mints. I just want to eat chocolate ice cream. So I ate an apple instead.

I heard that God will send me the right man at the right time, but honestly I'm tired of waiting. I've been single for a really long time. I'm so lonely here. I don't know many people. And most of the men I meet are just plain creepy. This one was my gala date and is entirely different. He's just normal and sweet and very caring.

I'm tired of not being able to "close the deal."

Why is it that my first instinct was to eat? I wanted to go for a walk, but I could barely see through the tears in my eyes. I'd hate to be crying at the gym too.

How have some of y'all dealt with disappointment/sadness and been able to pull yourself up enough not to scarf down 92340238948 calories?

02-13-2008, 08:29 PM
JaneZoe - I feel your pain honey...not sure how old you are, but I'm 40...yes, 40 & fabulous!!! Why...cuz I say so! In my years of living...I've learned a little about men (just a wee bit). First, you sound like a wonderful person, with a good heart, caring, good mom, and a "fire" deep within, that one day one very lucky man with win. The only thing is that although you give your stats as a matter of fact...I don't feel like you truly believe you are "worthy" and that is why the same thing will keep happening over and over. I have a 22 yr old daughter with exactly the same issues you seem to have. Your aggressive, understanding, sympathetic to these men's needs and don't get the same in return.

Since you've tried it your way...why not try something new. STOP being so understanding...STOP being so sympathetic...START realizing that YOU are the prize (at whatever weight), and START making these men EARN you.

The reason why the b*tches seem to get all the "good" men, is because they don't care about all the things that you do. They put themselves on a pedistal and that is why the men around them put them on a pedistal.

People seem to mirror your true self-opinion...if they think you the sh*t...yeah..yeah...woman will say...oh what a b*tch...but the men will say hey...I wanna get to know her...she's the sh*t!...and even some woman will say..."what a b*tch...she's exciting...I wanna hang with her".

Now I'm not saying go on a b*tch tyraid...gosh no...but, make YOU NUMBER ONE!...ALWAYS AND OTHERS WILL FOLLOW!..Hope these words help you. By the way, how old are you anyway..if you don't mind me asking? Joyce

02-13-2008, 08:34 PM
Ooopsss...my bad...this is the '40 something group" dahhhh!!! sorry, didn't mean to imply anything bad...just...you reminded me of how I used to feel in high school, always being the friend (I was too tall for the pop boys), never being the girlfriend.

Also one thing I forgot to say...DON'T EVER EVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! That's where the urge to eat comes in over disappointment...it's you giving up on yourself, your goals, your dreams of being a better you...DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF...

02-13-2008, 10:01 PM
Thanks Bambifox.

Yes. I'm 40. I know I'm worthy, but I'm just not sure how to project that.

I'm pretty self assured and I know I'm kind of a bad mofo because I survived leukemia and a stem cell transplant - two years in remission now.

I just don't know how to project on the outside how awesome I think I am on the inside. But I guess I'm not a good beyotch. I can't even fake it (unless someone really makes me angry).

I am really low about my appearance now as it has changed so much since I was diagnosed, mostly muscle loss, my hair is short and grew back curly (was straight before, so I don't know really what to do with it) and added weight gain from steroids and early menopause.

But it does feel so discouraging when this keeps happening to me. I've taken breaks from dating and concentrating on myself and keeping/staying healthy and getting fitter, but that seems like when it totally rains men. I mean, just this morning I had coffee with a man I've talked to before and he's already called like 2 times today.

Who knows. I stopped trying to figure men out years ago. I think love is pretty much a crap shoot. I just don't know how to avoid the sadness/emotional eating. I ended up eating mom's sloppy joes (yuck!) and some cold slaw. Then my 7 year old daughter and I made those precut valentines cookies and i think I ate like six. Now I feel even worse! Not to mention I am sure she can tell I am a little sad (Valentines day is such a bummer to me now) and what did I do? I ate like a pig in front of her. Bad example!

I'm going to do some way extra cardio at the gym tomorrow. I'm so bummed because I was doing great for three weeks now.

I've tried therapy, but that just doesn't seem to do it as they always say that I'm pretty well adjusted. But with men, my bs detector is totally broken.

02-13-2008, 10:51 PM
Well then I guess I won't be asking you to do my hair (it's straight up nappy!)...I just put a perm in it!!! and BAM...it's straight. I personally would love naturally curly hair...as opposed to nappy, of course...I guess what I'm saying it's all about your perception of you.

I applaud you for being a cancer survivor...I lost my dad to cancer and will never get over it!!! sooo YEAH YOU!!! You've triumphed over much harder things in life girl! Remember that!! Soooooo what...you've ate a few cookies, maybe some pasta and perhaps even a meatball...(smile). You fell...now get up!!! That's what life is all about...so plan on falling again and plan on pulling yourself up again...you have to...if not for you...then for your little girl (BTW, I have an 8 yr old girl too and 2 grands 2 & 3 yrs old)! So I know how much it affects our kids when we don't feel good about ourselves...so don't let that get you down...let it be your strength to keep going...to keep trying...to be at peace with yourself.

In the end...men may come and they may go...enjoy and learn from your experiences with them for however long it may be...and for god's sake....NEVER PLAY SECOND BEST!!!! You are a phenominal woman...(I sensed it when I read your post...that's why I felt I had to reply).

Most important...just be yourself...I "real man" or at least any man that would be "worth" having you...would love you most for who you are inside..then..and only then...should he deserve the "inner beast" that lives within...yeeeeowwww! bowm chicka bowm wowm!!! Stay in touch...Joyce

02-13-2008, 10:52 PM
Oh yeah...(I know...always with the second thoughts)...if your ever feeling low...this really is a good place to come...feel free to even PM me. We all need encouragement sometimes...yes..even a diva like me!!! smile....

02-13-2008, 10:58 PM
I think there really is something to the idea that many men prefer women who are too good for them (or at least make them think so). Maybe it's just the fact that most people male or female feel that having to work for something makes it seem more valuable.

My husband and I met through a personal ad I placed. I was upfront about my weight, but described myself as pretty fabulous, stressing my great points. Placing the ad, I knew I was going to be very picky (and was glad I was, boy were some of the guys who responded weird). I didn't reply to hubby's response for several weeks. I still wonder if making him wait had anything to do with the intensity of his interest.

I don't put a lot of faith in things like the book "The Rules," that call for manipulating men to make them more interested. But I do think that high standards are attractive. Healthy men don't want a doormat, they want a confident woman who knows what she wants, and for some (maybe mysterious) reason wants them. This is where this other woman trumped you. She was clear about what she wanted and demanded it. There may be many things wrong with her that he will come to see, but she placed limits on the relationship. You might think that would actually be a disadvantage, but it isn't. Who would you rather be with, a guy who only wanted to date you, or someoone who wanted to keep his options open?

There are counselors that specialize in relationships and dating that might help, but for me dating changed when I decided that what I wanted was important. I actually took a piece of paper and listed everything I wanted in a partner. Then I went through the list and ranked them and also decided which ones were non-negotionable and which were unnecessary "would be nice" options. Handsome was the first to go into the optional category. Shares my sense of humor stayed at the top of the list. I also vowed that I would end any relationship as soon as I saw that the guy crossed into any of my "not for me" categories.

I really do think increasing my standards and sticking to them made me much more attractive, and it also increased my confidence because I was reminding myself that I deserved to have high standards. So do you.

02-13-2008, 11:50 PM
What I have sort of a difficulty with is telling someone to be exclusive with me so early on in the dating process. I want a monogamous, exclusive relationship, but that generally is kind of weird to most people if you ask for it too soon. We'd been only seeing each other for a few months, and it was only after she knew about our date Saturday night that she could probably sense how much he cared for me and she was more in a position to demand what she wanted as they had been seeing each other for a while now.

Personally, I told him that he was pretty stupid for not picking me - lol. And I can tell how confused and upset he is that he will not be able to see me anymore. But it's his loss. I'm not going to beg someone to love me.

I have been dating online for longer than I care to admit since about a year after my divorce, and finding someone so lovely and caring is truly rare. I don't go out much here as most of my friends are in Houston where I used to live. So meeting someone at age 40 is kind of difficult. Internet dating is awful because it's so easy to check out what else is out there and just move on. Not to mention the freak of the week!! I'm not a prude or uptight, but some of these men are truly creeptastic.

I'm not going to settle, but this just is getting old. I'm a true romantic and know people that have really great relationships, so I'm not giving up, but sometimes I just want it to be *my* turn for a change. I'm fulfilled in so many different areas of my life and know that there are thousands of friends and family (literally) that love me and my fabulosity, but gosh it sure gets lonely sometimes.

Thank you for the reminders though. I just need to keep focusing on my mission of getting fit again (with my team of trainers and nutritionists and my sheer determination and YOU ALL - lol) and forget about men for a while I think. At least that's what I feel God must be telling me now.

02-14-2008, 12:10 AM
Just wanted to send a :hug: along to you.

I don't see how she was in more of a position to demand anything than you were. Just because they were seeing eachother a little longer? Meh. Heck, you could've asked him on the third date if he wanted to give it a go, if that's what you wanted.

Just keep on looking :) In the meantime, another :hug:

02-14-2008, 12:29 AM
JaneZoe: I gotta chime in here. Have you considered the fact that you have just had the misfortune of encountering men who have a misplaced need that is not healthy? I'm talking about guys (o.k. men at our age) who need to either be a white knight (rescue some screwed up chick who should certainly know better at our age) or have to be in a relationship that is fraught with crap? I say this because at a certain point in time if we are lucky we realize just the things that you commented on. Things are easy going. It is fun. There is limited drama. I think society screws us over a little here. We hear all the time about adveristy and how love is hard, blah, blah , blah. Guess what I finally figured out? It is true relationships are work (later on when you get a little used to each other) but they really aren't supposed to be that hard or so much work. This guy will figure that out someday. You are worth more. I agree with Joyce. Sometimes you can be to nice, too undemanding etc. That is the kind of sacrifice you make for people who are committed to you already (and certainly not all the time). It is not a gift to give to someone who is going to fall for some sketchy chick when he could have had you.

I have been where you are and I know what you are feeling. My thoughts of encouragement and support are with you.


02-14-2008, 09:15 AM
Jane Zoe - Great Attitute!!!! You gooooo on girl! Thanks guys for chiming in...I know we've all been there at one time or another!!! Jane...Your not alone!

P.S. Don't ever give a man a chance to "choose" again...If he's with you and doesn't naturally feel the urge to be exclusive...he's not the one!...and YOU walk away!...REMEMBER...YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!...GO ON SISTA! Joyce...Many...hugsssss...sending [[[[[good vibes]]]]] to ya!

02-14-2008, 11:20 AM
I wish I could hug all of you today!!

Now I'm off to meet with my trainer at the gym!! I'm wearing my "fighting shirt" a friend of mine made for me.

On the front it says:

(my non 3FC blogsite address)
I can do this

And on the back it says:

Kicking cancer's a$$ since 2005.

It always makes me remember my superpowers.

Hugs hugs hugs!!

02-17-2008, 03:58 PM
Ok. Well their relationship lasted all of 4 days.

He had plans with me and my daughter on Valentine's Day to go to the rodeo carnival. We really had a fun time. I had told him he better ask her "permission" first, and I thought he did. Said that it was ok because she didn't "do" Valentines because she's not very sentimental. But apparently she didn't like our "date" (even though my child was there and was the focus of our fun) and said there was something and she just couldn't put her finger on. That he wasn't the man for her.

Oh well. All God's plans.

Meanwhile, I've doubled my efforts on my goal. Still reading the Body for Life for Women book (EXCELLENT - COULD NOT RECOMMEND THIS BOOK ANY HIGHER). And I meet again with my nutrition coach tomorrow. And the trainer on Tuesday.

I also have new guys emailing me. When it rains it pours and it should always rain men.

Regardless, I'm just really so determined to meet/beat my goals.

03-09-2008, 07:29 PM
JaneZoe -- I often hear (though you wouldn't know it from my experience) that when you stop looking, love will find you.
It could be that the fact that you're focused on other great things now (like staying healthy) is WHY it's raining men.
Just remember: when you turn your umbrella upside-down to catch some, you can throw the bad ones back!!
Best of luck! --Sue

03-18-2008, 02:16 AM
I would just like to say that I admire you. You have gone through a traumatic ordeal and beat it!

Maybe the men you've been meeting are those that can't handle a woman who knows what she wants and has a great feeling of self worth.

You will meet mr right. I just know it.

You are in my prayers!