[Switzie6]

Saturday night we went out to eat at a favorite restaurant of mine. They have these cheese and bacon fries with ranch dressing that are my absolute favorite. There is something about their combination of cheeses. Anyway, I went in thinking no fries this time just a healthy dinner. I was the last one there and when I sat down my friend said they already ordered the fries for us. I know I could have just not eaten any but when it's one of your favorite things that you only have once or twice a year and it's sitting in front of you it's hard to say no. I told my friend I really didn't want to order them this time and she said she knew I would say that and that's why she ordered them before I got there.
Now I know she is happy for me that I am losing weight and I know she is not out to get me or anything. I just think that sometime people close to you are threatened by your success. Maybe it's jealousy or maybe it just points out to them that they aren't doing it too. Maybe they don't want to be the "fat" one and are worried you'll weigh less then them.
My boyfriend does similiar things. For example, we will be making dinner and he'll ask if I want him to make a side dish that's not so healthy. I say I'm not going to have any but go ahead and make it for yourself. Then he gets huffy and I feel like he's trying to make me feel quilty like it's my fault he's not going to have it. With him I think he may feel like if I lose all the weight I want to I won't want him anymore.
Anyone else have experiences like this? I just had to vent about it after Saturday night.

[peachcake]

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! My "best" friend is little, she weighs about 120lbs and is 5'2. She has never had a weight problem. She eats fast food and pizza all day every day. It's REALLY hard for me because she is always saying "let's go get dinner" and in all reality, it's hard to find something healthy to eat when out. I mentioned going on a strict diet and she says "we'll see how long that lasts!". I think she is afraid that if (when) I ge thin I will be "hotter" than her. She doesn't have a very pretty face (now I sound like a jerk). But her body is what she shows off, I try and show off my face, but when I get thin she won't be able to make comments about how tiny she is and how tiny I'm not. Be strong, I know how hard it is when you love someone but they juat can't understand the feelings of being overweight and how much their support is needed!

[aerotigergirl]

I have certainly had experiences like this, and I've heard several others on this board voice similar experiences, as well. Jealousy is a tricky thing, but I think you hit the nail on the head: It may not be real, true jealousy, but maybe your weight loss success is causing your friend to deal with her own feelings of discontent with her weight. She's happy for you, and she wants you to be happy, but at the same time, your success makes her feel bad because she knows that she wants to be losing weight with you, and for whatever reason, she isn't right now.

Maybe a way to handle a situation like this is to say something like: "Thanks for thinking of me, but I really shouldn't have any. It's a struggle because it is my favorite , but I've been trying really hard to make better choices and I've been so proud of my success lately that I just want to keep the streak going. You understand, right? "

It seems like pointing out her jealous-type behavior might cause her to feel embarrassed. But by phrasing it in a friendly way, she may realize that you're serious about your weightloss and you need her support. It may even inspire her to follow in your footsteps, in which case, you're sure to avoid the situation altogether next time you girls go out!

I feel very lucky to have the girlfriends that I do. So many of my day-to-day relationships revolve around competing, my girlfriends (one in particular) are my safe haven where I don't have to worry about competing. I am over the moon for my best friend, who is losing at a spectacular rate, and I know she is happy for me for every pound that I lose. I've had girlfriends in the past who feel a need to compete with me (not just in the area of weightloss, etc), but I usually find that if you look hard enough, you'll find that it really stems from an insecurity within one of the people involved. I have the best friends ever.

[bargoo]

I save myself a lot of unwanted comments by not announcing I am on a diet.I would have said about the fries, I just don't feel like fries today.I try to act like a person who never has the need to diet. They don't feel the need to justify their food choices, they don't try to explain why they only want half a sandwich or explain why they don't want the fries. Here is a bombshell for you, the people who are urging food on you really don't care if you eat their suggestions.

[friendlykat4u]

You know, people are funny, and it could be a whole bunch of reasons for her to do that. Honestly a true friend who understands what you're going thru wouldn't have ordered the fries. If I know my best friend is struggling with her weight I would try to help her, not sabotage her.

Then again, there are also people who just don't think they're doing anything wrong. I'm like bargoo and I don't announce I'm on a diet except to those who are very, very close to me. My parents, my husband, and one of my best frieds. All of them are very supportive.

I've also experienced the same as you from people who are jealous of me losing weight. Just politely decline, and if it gets worse say "you wouldn't offer a drink to a recovering alcoholic would you?". Maybe that'll get the message across that your diet is important to you.

Best of luck to you.

[regina1024]

I have experienced this as well. I have a friend who weighs about 450 pounds(just my guess). She has been a good friend for 12+ years. We always have a blast together even though we see each other a few times a year. I didn't really tell her that I was losing weight, mainly because I knew in the past it has always been a touchy subject. Well, when she came down to see me and I was 75 pounds lighter, it didnt' set well. She was angry. Not that she out and out said she was mad at me, I could just tell. All weekend long she would make snide remarks about my weight. For example, we went winter coat shopping. I was thrilled to be shopping as I was no longer needing a plus size. Well, here we are shopping and my friend holds up a coat and says "what do you think?" I say, "Yeah, it's cute." thinking it was for her since we were in the Men's big and tall section. NOPE! She meant it for me!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a Men's size 3X. Even at my heaviest I never wore a Men's 3X.

In the last few months I've really been questioning what our friendship means. I guess to me it meant more, but I am starting to think I was just her "fat friend" and someone to eat and be unhappy with. I feel terrible that I would consider letting this friendship end, but after all the mean things that were said to me and not one "congrats" or "you look great", I really wonder if all we had in common was food.

[PhotoChick]

One thing that I'm starting to learn (especially since I've just gained back a housemate who is kinda clueless) is that only *I* can sabotage my diet.

I also feel pretty strongly that it's not fair of me to dictate what others can and can't have/eat/order just because *I* can't control myself around those foods.

That's a realization I've come to in the last few weeks. My housemate loves to snack on things like chips. When I was living alone, I just wouldn't buy them becuase I knew I'd be tempted. When he came back into the house I blamed HIM for my backslide ... because he was sabotaging me.

The truth is that he is allowed to eat whatever he wants and buy whatever he wants and I need to learn to control myself. If I cannot sit at the same table with the fries or the chips or whatever, then I can excuse myself. Or I can drink more water. Or ask the waiter to bring me some celery and carrots. Or something.

This has been a really hard realization for me and a big big struggle that I'm currently working through. But it's also something I feel strongly about since it was pointed out to me a few weeks ago. I get really annoyed when someone who is veggie demands that I eat veggie when I'm with them, so it's not fair of me to force my diet restrictions on my friends when I eat with them, by insisting that they not eat or order what they want.

I dunno. Maybe some will disagree with me, but I do think it's something to consider.

[Beverlyjoy]

It's really hard when you feel like the people around you just don't "get it". That they would "sabatoge" your efforts.

For me....I have lost a fair amount of weight and have never announced that I watch what I eat to anyone when we go out. There's always something I can eat at the restaurant. If they order a appetizer - I'll usually have a taste and count it in my daily total. If anyone ever asks - I tell them that my triglycerides are at a life threatening number and I must get them down. Now this was true at one time...they are almost normal now. However...it seems like folks are less "threatened" by your trying to work on your cholesterol than you losing weight.

Also, for me - I have been "on diets" many times...with weight loss and weight gains. I feel like if I announce that I am on a diet...then everyone watches what I eat and unfortunately, are waiting for me to fail.

When I go out to restaurant...I look forward to my "bite" of dessert or appetizer. It's better than eating the whole thing.

When my DH wants food I am trying to avoid...I jokingly say - "Hey..ya trying to get the life insurance money sooner than later. I'll have a heart attack if I eat this stuff."

Also...we go on "cookie dates" now...go the coffee shop for a biscotti and coffee. Cookies may not come in the house.

My cousin, who is overweight, is always offended when I don't dive into her yummy desserts when we are at her house. I always take a taste...and say that I am watching my triglycerides. Last night, at the Super Bowl Party, she finally "got it". She didn't put on butter on the veggies.

It's interesting, however, that she hasn't mentioned that I've lost nearly 60 pounds. (that could be a different thread)

Hang in there!

[famograham]

I think you're absolutely right, Photochic. We can only make decisions for ourselves.

But I think that's a different situation than someone close to you who is literally trying to sabotage you for whatever reason.

[Trazey34]

I don't think people do it intentionally - I know I like to offer people all sorts of food and if they say NO, then fine I would never push it ...

I found inspiration in a movie (with TOBY KEITH! BOOYAH!!!) where he had quit drinkin' and went to a bar with his friends, and ordered a coke but they ordered him a double-jack. He held it up and toasted them both, and then put it down and drank the coke! yay!

I figure people can offer me the moon, I have to still pick it up and put it in my mouth

[LisaF]

Beverlyjob, it sounds like you have a wonderfully graceful way of handling things, in a way that makes it easy on both you and the people around you. I am going to have to try the health excuse the next time I'm with someone who doesn't seem to respect my eating choices.

Lisa

[nelie]

I also don't announce that I'm on a diet because I'm not on a diet. I've changed my eating habits and my eating habits don't include fried foods or fatty foods. It also helps that my doctor (due to my gallbladder) told me not to eat fried or fatty foods.

I've also stopped eating animal products which is a lot trickier than 'dieting' I think. I haven't announced to anyone this fact but when we go out to eat (with coworkers and such), I just try to make sure we are going somewhere with options for me and I order my food.

And the sad truth of the matter is you may lose friends due to your weight loss. It is a shame but it happens.

[aerotigergirl]

I'm not sure though... If you lose these "friends" over your weightloss, were they ever real friends of yours to begin with?

I definitely agree that ultimately the decision to go off-plan or not is down to you. Unless you're being force-fed , the responsibility for what you eat falls to you and only you. But it seems like Switzie's real question is about why her friend would be insensitive.

It sounds like so many of us have had this experience. It seems to me, though, that if the friend is someone that you value and want to keep in your life, then one positive course of action could be just to be open and honest with them. If you've lost 60-70-100lbs, it's not as if she just doesn't notice. She notices (everyone notices!), but maybe she feels lousy because she hasn't done the same. Talking about it, like true friends do, could help her uncover where the real problem is; not that her friend got healthy, but rather that she feels insecure because now she's the only "fat" friend.

Again, I'm ashamed to say that I'm speaking from experience. I've witnessed friends losing weight before, and while I was happy for them, I didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it because it made me admit that, while we used to both be miserable in our fatness, she did something about it, and I could have too! The problem always was with me, though. I was insecure. Fortunately, I am lucky to have very patient friends who always let me come around and admit that insecurity to myself, and then I could get on with the business of being a good friend!

For sure, weight is a tricky and sticky subject.

[Scarlett]

I'm a psychology major and I wouldn't be so quick to say that your friends are not true friends and are intentionally trying to be malicious.

One funny thing about people is that we absolutely do not like change. In one of my classes my prof made everyone get up and move their seat for the day (the class had been going on for a month or 2, you know how people just tend to sit in the same seat each day). People in the class were angry, they didn't want to move, they kept asking why, they complained once they got to their new seat etc. I was shocked everyone got so upset about something as stupid as moving your seat for a day. I was even more shocked at how uncomfortable I felt sitting in a diffrent seat.

You friends are comfortable with you the way you were, they befriended you when you were overweight and liked to eat and they don't like that you are changing. Your going to have to get your friends to see you as the new health conscious you, and that may take some time.

[nelie]

I forgot to say that you are the only one who can sabotage yourself. I sabotage myself enough, I don't need any help

aero,

I had a friend of 20+ years, who was like a sister to me. I was always the fat one (although she was the chubby one). I don't know why but we had friction when I started dating someone seriously. Then I broke up with him and she was like my best friend again. I then started losing weight and friction started to grow. I then started dating my husband and she completely changed. She refused to meet him until I basically coerced her into doing so. Honestly, it shocked me. I think at this point I also was around the same weight as her for the first time in our lives. She tries to be my friend but I don't see how, she is very upset by my weight loss and thinks that I think I'm better than her or something? It is very strange. It is a situation that has hurt me quite a bit. I'm unsure if it was bumping of the status quo or not and just a major change in my role in our relationship. And I don't really have many friends because frankly I have a hard time building friendships. I don't like shallow friends.