South Beach Diet - DH is supportive but doesn't help
02-02-2008, 12:43 PM
My DH is very supportive of me wanting to lose weight but he doesn't help. Everytime I tell him, "well, I can't have that....." his reply is "you can allow yourself alittle sometimes.". I am on phase one and he's not helping me. I have been doing good but just doesn't help. I want to join the gym with him and I've told him if he can do it and he won't. He doesn't want to because it'll cost him extra money to do it (so he says) but something happened and he got an extra 4 months free of membership and I asked him if he could just put me on for those 4 months and pay mine since he won't have to pay his but he just won't. Arg!
02-02-2008, 01:11 PM
Maybe your husband wishes that you picked a diet plan like calorie counting, where you can have any food you want but in small portions? Has he mentioned anything like that to you? Do you tell him about your plan?
I am not on SBD, but on WW. My husband knows how many points I can have each day, how much veggies/dairy/etc I am supposed to have every day. Maybe you could get him more involved?
As for the gym, I don't know what to tell you about that. Somehow he doesn't mind paying for him to go to the gym but not you? That doesn't sound right at all!
02-02-2008, 01:16 PM
yeah, that's my point. I tell him what I'm doing and what my goals are and he knows I need to do some kind of workout but he just won't pay for me to go to the gym. We have 4 children and I'm a stay at home mommy. He goes to the gym almost everyday, I stay at home everyday. I have asked him numerous times if he can put me on his account at the gym but he absolutely refuses.
02-02-2008, 01:18 PM
Have you sat him down and had a serious talk with him about this? Have you told him that he isn't being supportive? Have you asked him his reason (besides money) for not paying for the gym for you? It sounds like there are other issues going on here. One that I can think of - does he (maybe deep down) not want you losing weight?
02-02-2008, 01:20 PM
It's a shame your DH is not supporting as much as you would like. My DH is supportive too, but he has never had a weight problem and doesn't really know what it's all about. I can imagine him saying the same thing - "well, you can have a little." That's because he could just have a little and that would be the end of it, which would not be the case for me. A little would lead to a little more, and so on. Maybe that's the case with your DH - he can support your desire to lose weight, but he can't really help because he doesn't know how. If you want his help you may have to be blunt. You know how men don't pick up on those subtle messages we like to send out.
In the end though, we have to do it by ourselves and for ourselves. Under your screen name it says "Doing it for myself!!" That is so true. And you always have us here for support.
02-02-2008, 01:21 PM
Yeah, I did sit down with him and went over everything with him and he is totally supportive but just doesn't want me to go to the gym. He did once say that he's scared for me to lose weight because he's afraid I'll get really confident and leave him and I told him that he's being silly. If I was going to leave him, I would've done it along time ago. He suffers from PTSD and after everything i've been through, I would've left along time ago. I think he's really afraid I'll start looking good and leave him and he doesn't want to contribute to it.
02-02-2008, 01:36 PM
Well there is a much deeper issue then! I would encourage you not to avoid this subject, because when you do start losing weight it might get worse. Does he get help for his PTSD?
You may need to explain to him that him not wanting you to lose weight, go the gym, and get healthy tells you that he doesn't care about your health and well-being. Explain to him that you are doing this to get healthy so that you can be around and spend a long life with him. Maybe this will help.
In the meantime, you could try exercising without going to the gym. Playing outside with your kids, taking them for walks or bike rides.
02-02-2008, 03:03 PM
He did once say that he's scared for me to lose weight because he's afraid I'll get really confident and leave him and I told him that he's being silly. If I was going to leave him, I would've done it along time ago.
Men are so goofy sometimes. :dizzy: This may be the crux of your problem & it's a big one. It is also one that many women go through. Men's egos are often fragile & what makes it worse is that they don't/won't talk about such things. Not that our egos are any less fragile but women usually DO talk about what is really bothering them. You can be supportive & loving & maybe stress the being healthy aspects of losing weight & becoming more physically fit rather than how hot you are going to look. That logic may get through to him.
You also may just have to do this alone & find support with online communities or with other family members/friends. As time goes on, he may come around. Or maybe not. Press on & continue with your program. Sometimes you have to be selfish & do things for yourself. And you are also doing it for your children so they will have a happy & healthy mom who will be with them for a long time. :)
Yeah, I did sit down with him and went over everything with him and he is totally supportive but just doesn't want me to go to the gym.
Could it be that the gym is his time to do "me" things? I know it doesn't seem quite fair & certainly doesn't make sense economically for you not to go, but perhaps you need to go someplace on your own. You could try a short-term membership at someplace like Curves or the local Y, etc. & see how you like it. There are also some great DVDs like WATP or Zumba for cardio as well as resistance band ones for strength training. Just a thought.
Everytime I tell him, "well, I can't have that....." his reply is "you can allow yourself alittle sometimes.".
OMG...I went thru this all the time with DH as well as my family/friends. I did Medifast which was really strict & was always being offered "a little bit 'cause it wouldn't hurt." Ugh! Way back in the beginning I learned to just say "No thanks." It was so much easier than trying to explain & defend my diet at what seemed to be every mealtime. After a while they just let me eat in peace. Especially when the weight loss started to show. :)
Good luck with your weight loss journey. It is so frustrating at times when we don't get the support we want but it is important to just push on with your goals. Please let us know how you are doing. :hug:
02-03-2008, 12:59 PM
Mine has decided to join me on the beach but I think he's willing to let me do all the planning, all the cooking, all the everything...but he'll have his cake and eat it too! He's planning on buying himself 'treats' and we haven't even started yet.
I've told him I'm determined and if he falls off, that's his own perogative. If he doesn't want to be serious about his health or mine, I refuse to let it effect me anymore. I'm doing it myyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Good for you for making the decision and step towards better health. Just do your thing, cause all us chicks think you're awesome!:grouphug:
02-03-2008, 01:07 PM
I say go join your own gym. I bet his work outs are for his alone time. Maybe you need your alone time too. I did that, it's an all women gym and I love it!
02-04-2008, 07:04 AM
Tawnya, can't you go to the gym on base for free?
'Course, you'd need him to watch the kids.
Not that I am a professional or anything, but I think this runs deeper than just him not wanting you to get to the gym. I don't know that there's any way you could solve it unless he owns up to how he's truly feeling or you can get him to go to counseling together.