100 lb. Club - Unsupportive partners ----------> warning: rant




txangelgirl
01-18-2008, 12:10 AM
I am coming to the one place I can rant, so here I am. James weighs more than me okay, he is 265 and holding, and he has always been this weight. And in the three years we have been together, he always shows a love for his fat.... like, he will caress his belly and say "oh my fat is so hungry, I think it needs some taco bell ohhhhhh" and he smiles, and then goes out for junk food. Or he'll say stuff like "oh my belly, it needs it, more fat, gotta have it, ohhh here I come baby". ARGH. He totally supports me, and that's fine, but as for him he'd just assume stay fat and happy, in his words. He says he's trying to lose weight, and I say "okay in that case, what did you have for lunch today???" and of course he always says "Mcdonald's" or "Taco Bell" or "KFC". I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired that he cares NOTHING about his health. He is the epitame of a walking heart attack. He has no neck at all, because it's covered in fat (which is probably causing his airway to cut off at night and why he snores so loudly), he carries all his weight in front, which is the prime area for heart issues, and get this: he even was told by a doctor that he has bone spurs and atrophied muscles and the beginnings of arthritis and that he might even need back surgery...all because of this huge fat he carries around. He had to go to physical therapy for almost 6 months because of the pain. And he was so motivated back then, sitting there with his little machine that has those sticky discs you put on your skin to get electrical shocks to treat his back pain, he was so motivated. Now? Forget about it. And we are engaged, and I'm sitting here thinking to myself, am I really strong enough to endure all the medical problems he's gonna have, which has already started, due to his weight? Possible heart issues, and all the while he is in love iwth his fat? Oh boy I am so messed up right now. We are so opposite....I'm so gung ho about this, and he is so not gung ho. Oh what am I to do, I feel so helpless. And unsure. And angry at him for not wanting to take care of his health. His chiropractor told him if he does not lose weight he will need back surgery. He also works on computers for a living, and if the artritis gets worse, he won't be able to do his job. Why is he so casual about all this??? With all the danger signs and stuff he's already experiencing as a direct result of his weight, why??? I really need to know how in the world I can deal with this.... do any of you have this issue? Gotta go he's back from the store...please help!


PhotoChick
01-18-2008, 12:16 AM
Hi Holli

I can kind of sympathise, because my SO is the same in a lot of ways. He's not suffering those kinds of health problems, but he's overweight and while he doesn't like being overweight, he still has lunch at Taco Bell or Arbys or wherever every day. It's annoying.

OTOH, I'll tell you the same thing I tell myself: this is the way he was when I met him, it's the way he was when I decided to marry him, and if I can't/couldn't live with it, I needed ot have decided that then.

Yes, it's frustrating when you're gung-ho about something and he's not, but bottom line is that he has to decide for himself to change and maybe he won't ever. Which sucks, to be honest and blunt, but there you have it.

I would never advise anyone to begin or end a relationship ... but I would say that you need to think long and hard about whether or not this is a relationshop you're willnig to commit the rest of your life to, given your current frustrations. If you're frustrated with it now, it will only get worse in the future. And if you are resentful when he does have health issues that impact you, it will be the death of your marriage (been there, done that, in a slightly separate type of health issue).

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's frustrating and hurtful.

wish4fit
01-18-2008, 12:31 AM
txang: I say ditto. Photo chick has it right on the button. My dad has been obese forever and my mom gets so frustrated with him. He's got diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and nearly died of both cancer and pneumonia (keep in mind he is only 62). He refuses to change his diet. All of his kids and my mom support him and he still won't change. Even when he says he is dieting we find candy wrappers in his car and junk food stashed in his office. I wish so badly he would take care of himself more, as I want him to be around to meet his grandkids...but the reality is he has got to change for himself. And like you DF, my dad just ignores all the red flags. When death was on his door he changed his ways for a few months, but he goes right back to his old ways...I'm so sorry for you. If you love him enough to go through this the rest of your life, then absolutely do it. But if not, I have to tell you, things are unlikely to change....:hug::hug:


Leia
01-18-2008, 12:44 AM
I empathize with much of what you said, but due only to similar experiences from my last relationship. When reading what you wrote I saw what appeared to be red flags. Might not be. Just wondering.

Please re-read your post as if it was your daughter, sister or mother that wrote it. Now, what would YOU tell THEM?

Is this the kind of future you would wish for them? Aren't you equally wonderful?

I ignored the red flags I saw a few years ago....married my fiance' and we divorced within a year. Why? Because everything only got worse; I became more bitter, resentful, lonely, scared, frustrated and yes, even FAT being with him. I gained 42 pounds and discovered that year that my preconceptions of wives being lazy and letting themselves go because of the security of having married a man, were possibly wrong. There are women out there that gained weight instead not out of a sense of security, but out of marital disappointment.

According to a wonderful counselor I saw, I ate the anger I had at my husband, and worse, anger I had at myself for marrying him believing him when he (my husband) said things would get BETTER in marriage. He was wrong. He started taking cholesterol meds, which ruined sex and STILL slathered mayonnaise on everything. Even on his mashed potatoes and butter. He ate so much grease, that his skin was greasy. He started getting cellulite on his back. A typical meal was two 1/2 pound hamburgers buried in bacon, cheese and mayo.

But he did take his high cholesterol pills daily.

Eventually, I had to leave him, for ME to be healthy.

You and your fiance are not me and my exhusband.

Every situation is different.

All I am saying, is step back and listen to what you wrote. Be honest with YOU. Are the issues you listed above what you want a year from now? Five years from now? Ten? Odds are he won't change his lifestyle and eating habits for life. He might feign the motions for you, but that is non-lasting. You can't go into a marriage loving who he will become. He is today, who he will most likely be tomorrow. Sometimes, people even get worse in marriage.

I did. :o

Then again, maybe you CAN accept that and love him unconditionally :D and your post above is just a harmless vent. In which case, vent away! We are behind you either way. :hug:

math puppy
01-18-2008, 12:48 AM
oh thats hard! i dont think im wise enough to spew out any sort of advice but i just keep thinking that if he is gonna marry you and then die in a few years without thinking of how that will impact you...its kinda selfish.

i know thats what motivated me to start losing weight and getting healthy. me and my girl want to have kids, and i have to get healthy and fit so i can be around to help out down the road. thats commitment to me! (not that it easy! lol)

but maybe he shows his commitment in other ways? and you are just venting?

good luck, and im glad you are taking care of yourself!
much love
renee

cbmare
01-18-2008, 12:52 AM
Holli, sweetie, this is hard for me to respond.

This board is my private place, but I had boobalah read your post.

I have tears in my eyes for you, photo and wish and anyone else who posts before I'm done typing.

I have to tell you that boobalah's response was that you should leave him. That was my first response as well. Then we sat down and talked about us. I brought up him telling me that he wasn't happy with my weight in 2001. We were separated then because I kicked him out for something else that isn't important to this. I brought up that I lost weight when we were separated. He knew it. I brought up that last year when I started being serious about this and his non-support. He's admitted that he wasn't supportive. It took my comments in front of people who'd noticed my weight loss. I commented that I am doing it on my own and not getting support at home. When I made that comment in front of his brother it got some looks and I have a BIG feeling that it got a private conversation as well. His brother had gone on South Beach and his wife went on it with him in support. I think boobalah was shamed.

Holli, you are working so hard for yourself and your health. He obviously doesn't care about his health. He doesn't care about your heart! You are in love with him. He was this way before you embarked on your weight loss journey. Have you spoken with any of his family about his attitude? Is it something they all share? If it is, then do yourself a favor, albeit one of the hardest things you'll do in your life, and confront him.

Confront him and ask that he try changing for YOU! Tell him your concerns for his health and wellbeing. You are concerned that he won't be around for any children that you may have, if you are planning kids.

How old are you two?

Have you invited him to join you in your exercise? I know that is your private time. It is mine as well, but boobalah wanted to join me and we were working out until he got sick.

My heart goes out to you.

txangelgirl
01-18-2008, 01:17 AM
Oh such fast responses..thank you all so much, you guys always come galloping to my rescue. I am alone again, I had James go get some breathe right strips for hopefully a quieter night tonight, so when he came home I had to bail. He's in the garage now with Corey so I should be okay for a bit....

A lot has happened since I posted. When he wasn't looking I snuck peeks at your responses, and I somehow through your words found the strength to put my foot down. I've said stuff before, but I never went through the risks like you suggested so that's what I did. Oh BTW James just turned 30 and I am 32 yrs old.

When he walked up to me he, like always, could tell something was really wrong. I don't know how in the world I kept my tears in, but I did. I told him "What is bothering me, is I really don't know if I'm ready to just sit back and watch you jeopardize yourself. You promised me you would stop loving on your fat, and you broke that. You told me before you would do this with me and you broke that. You continue to have a blatant disregard for your health, you think this is all some joke, and when I address you about your weight you laugh in my face. This is not funny, and I am not laughing. If you love me as much as you say you do, then why in the world are you asking me to spend the rest of my life watching you die a slow death, watching you suffer through more medical problems, maybe even a heart attack. My grandfather had to have a quadruple bypass, and he STILL died from his diet, and he had the same exact shape as you do. And you are gonna make me relive all that all over again, and yet you love me?? That is not love. I cannot believe that you would subject me, or yourself for that matter, to even the remote possibility of that. Do you realize that you could have a heart attack at any moment? You could have one right now! The risk factor for belly fat in men for a heart attack is a waist circumference of 40 inches, and yours is 54!!!! I am tired of your excuses, I am tired of watching you sabotage your own health, I am tired of being sucked into all the pain and sadness of seeing your health go down the tubes, I am tired of trying to help you and you ignoring me and I am tired of my pleas for you to get on track falling on deaf ears." At this point, James said "well I will just have gastric bypass surgery". And I said "NO! You really will be on a strict diet then cause everything you eat needs to provide your body with the nutrients it needs to survive, so if you think that's a quick fix and replaces eating healthier and exercising you are sorely mistaken. Look I have lost 6 1/2 pounds in the last ten days, how much have you lost? I have eaten breakfast every single day, how many times do you take time to have breakfast? I never skip meals and I am going on two flawless weeks on being on plan, can you say that? I am here for you, and I will help you in any way that I can, but you have got to help yourself. And I mean now, not tomorrow, not later, not 'do this for a week then get off', NOW. Because how can I be asked to spend the rest of my life with you when I am seriously doubting the length of your life in the shape you're in? You had so much motivation when you were going to physical therapy, what happened?? Why did you lose it?" And James said, with his head down, "I don't know." in a low voice. I finished up by saying, "What is it gonna take? What has to happen before you get serious about this and stop playing around? A stroke? A heart attack? Surgery? Do you really want to play russian roulette here, and wait til it is too late before you decide to do something?" And that was the kicker... his head was totally down at this point, face was fallen, I could tell he was really convicted by what I said, and he finally looked up and said "so I have to diet and exercise, right" and of course I said "yes. And if that doesn't work, your doctor can give you something to help you if you need help. but you need to try to make this happen first." We really didn't have an ending, he got sidetracked and I figured he needs time to soak in this reality shock. So sorry for the long reply, I can't believe I remember so much of that convo anyway....did I do okay? I mean, I know I can't force him, you have to do it for you, but I needed to make him realize the truth here...I didn't yell at all, in fact I was seated, and spoke calmly but firmly.... thoughts?

txangelgirl
01-18-2008, 01:41 AM
Sorry for unanswered questions too, had to dash for a minute...Photochick we haven't even started planning our wedding cause we just moved here a couple months ago due to being robbed, so that kinda threw things off a bit. So basically we have time, er- I - have time to see how things play out. Our wedding is at least a year away, if not a year and a half.

Angela: yes mam that is such a harsh reality, and if I wanted fairytales I'd go somewhere else. I know here I will get blunt honesty from you girls, and exactly what keeps me here. I admit I have to do some serious thinking on that area, but I also told him tonight, implied more rather, that for us to be together he has got to change his evil ways. Of course I will give him a chance, I love him with all of my heart, but time is the best teacher of all, and if it turns out that he doesn't change, I will likely have an even bigger decision on my heart.
Leia: you nailed it...I am so torn right now, so I keep telling myself I don't have to decide right this second, but at the same time I do know that something has got to happen.
Renee: yeah James like I mentioned is extremely supportive of me. He loves my pageant picture (I was 124 lbs when I won that) and always says he is happy I am making an effort to get there again. Its funny... James says all the time that he wants me to be happy, no matter what, and that he will do anything to make me happy, and yet I'm in such anguish over this. But when it comes to him and his efforts, its totally the opposite with him; he wants his fat fix.
Mare: yes I have invited James to exercise with me, and he has only done it once. All the other times he turns his back to me and plays Battlefield. He said he didn't like doing a dvd, so he might walk outside. Except of course, it's cold, and dark when he gets home...we'll see how long that lasts..

I really hope I did okay... you all are so sweet for helping me :hug:

LaurieDawn
01-18-2008, 02:15 AM
I just have a few seconds, but I want to add something quickly. My husband and I both have weight issues, and his affects his health pretty drastically. I'm scared for him, and it is difficult dealing with the crises that occur because he doesn't take care of it. But he understands the health risks thoroughly, and doesn't need me to enlighten him.

Plus - I feel way too hypocritical to judge him. Yes - I am motivated right now to do something about my weight. Yes - I have finally been having success in finally getting this issue under control. But there was a long time when I really wanted to be thinner and, for whatever reason, couldn't control my eating and exercise habits enough to make it happen. And I also recognize that I have not yet found the magic pill. It's a struggle every day. I realize that there's a chance that I will lapse into my old ways. I know the health risks, but I also know that losing weight and maintaining weight loss is HARD. I do not want a lecture from him every time I make a less-than-perfect food or exercise choice.

My husband is a good, good man, and this is his (and subsequently my) challenge. I will help and support him all I can, but I can't fix this for him. I also realize that he can consume a lot more calories than I can and still lose weight. There are so many different plans that have worked for different people that I will not try to force mine on him. He is actually in a phase where he is losing weight (two weeks and counting!). His plan includes occasional candy bars and fast food. I'm a bit jealous, but I'm also really happy that he's making progress.

It just seems to me that you'll both be happier and more relaxed if you can give him a little space. Make helpful suggestions, make healthy meals, invite him for walks with you, etc. But I know that for me, recrimination and feelings of worthlessness have never been good allies for weight loss.

Good luck. It is a tough situation.

Lovely
01-18-2008, 06:58 AM
This is difficult.... I suppose you have to decide what's more important. Sure, you could give him ultimatums, but that just might make him resentful in the end. And, yes, you are thinking of his health, but if someone were to say the same things to you would it motivate you?

Wanting to change comes from within. Expecting someone else to change for you, even if it's something that would benefit them in the end... you may be setting yourself up for some dissappointment.

Whether or not to stay with him? I can't say. I'm not you, and I don't know your limits in as far as relationships go. That answer, similar to the decision to change, has to come from within.

Best of luck in the situation.

nelie
01-18-2008, 10:06 AM
Txangelgirl,

I think this may be something that both of you need to work on together. My husband is skinny but if he told me he had KFC, Mcdonalds, Taco Bell, etc for lunch, I wouldn't be happy.

Do you make your lunches? Is it possible to make his lunch as well? Does he take lunches with him that he doesn't eat and opt for eating out?

I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, planning, etc. I buy lots of fruits and vegetables and other healthy whole foods items. I make my lunch and my husbands lunch every night. It doesn't take much time to make his lunch since I'm already doing mine. My husband eats out for lunch probably once a month. We go out to eat once a week.

When I started making healthier lunches for myself and him, he lost 15 lbs without really trying. His doctor even told him not to lose any more weight but as I said, he wasn't trying to lose weight, he was just eating what I fed him.

You could also look at ways for both of you to become more active. Taking walks together. Doing some outdoor activities together. Perhaps even joining a gym together.

I do wish you luck and I know its difficult. You can give him some assistance but you can't be his crutch if he doesn't want to do it, he won't.

JayEll
01-18-2008, 10:37 AM
I think it's great that women want to take care of their husbands, but I really wonder how far someone is supposed to go with that. I personally wouldn't make anyone else's lunch, unless half the time they were making mine.

txangelgirl, this may sound harsh, but do you really want to be his "mother"? I'm sorry to say that his behavior sounds like he's just a great big kid. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. You are likely to find that once you're married, he'll resent your attempts to control him. Is this the life you envision?

Jay

nelie
01-18-2008, 10:46 AM
Jay,

I really don't consider it "taking care of my husband" but rather we take care of eachother. I do things that I like to do and also help me with my weight loss. It takes a few seconds longer to make my husbands lunch than it does to make mine and I wouldn't want him making my lunch. It is what I consider a partnership in that he does various things that I really want nothing to do with while I do things that I want to do.

I can think of a great example of a weight loss duo where one person took the initiative and the other followed. Mandalinn and her partner where she started and her partner followed although they were in it together. They've both had great success.

GirlyGirlSebas
01-18-2008, 11:30 AM
Hi Holli,

Marriage is tough. Losing weight and maintaining that loss is tough. Things are so much easier when you have a partner that is willing to work with you. Trying to be the strong one and make James do this will wear you down. You will end up resenting each other in the long run. IMHO, if James doesn't show a 100% honest effort to get his health under control...and maintain that effort for a while, I wouldn't committ to marriage with him. What is difficult now, will get even more difficult down the road.

barbygirl43
01-18-2008, 11:54 AM
IMHO it sounds like he may be afraid to try and lose weight and his "fat love" is the laughter to cover up the pain. I agree with all the ones that if he doesn't want to change he won't. It has to be something he wants to do for himself, not for you or anyone else but for himself. Until he can reach that point, there will be resentment coming up.
I think you were given great advice about planning out meals for the two of you and asking if he'd like to join you in exercise but I wouldn't push anything on him.
My DH is also obese and now weighs more than he ever has. I know that when he is ready, he will make the move to start losing weight. His problem is he thinks he needs to join a gym and lift weights to lose weight and doesn't think walking or other basic exercises could help him. So I don't push. When he's ready, he'll let me know.

NotTheCheat
01-18-2008, 12:10 PM
Just because someone is overweight and not doing anything about it doesnít mean that they donít care about their health at all and are unaware of what they are doing to themselves. I know this because that person was me and I was often in tears wondering how I could be doing this to myself and not be able to stop. What it does mean is that there is something else that is even more powerful for them keeping the weight on. Obviously his fat gives him something Ė perhaps his identity as a big guy, a protection to blame his insecurities on, whatever.

These types of things donít change overnight. Think about the conversation you had with him. How would you have felt about someone saying those things to you when you werenít in the mental head space to start losing weight? It probably would have been very difficult to hear. You canít make him want to lose weight. He has to come to that decision for himself. I think by showing him an example over time but not comparing his actions to yours might give him the space to come around to a healthier lifestyle. From my experience of men, they donít like to be told what to do, but rather to think they came to the idea on their own.

One suggestion I have it to ignore the eating for now and focus on fitness. Getting fit can go a long way to combating some of the health issues you mention even if he doesnít end up losing all that much weight to start with. Perhaps you can start working out together, going for walks, or doing more active things on the weekends. As he starts to feel better and stronger then light might start to dawn on how much better he could feel if he also shed some pounds.

This is a really tough situation. In the end you have to make sure you take care of yourself, but donít give up on him too quickly if you really love him. Weight issues go so deep and often they are so powerful that they can be very hard to change.

kimmieone
01-18-2008, 12:12 PM
I learned a long time ago adults are going to be adults. Meaning they are going to run their lives the way they want to run it.

All you can do is have a heart to heart and then let them do what they are going to do, take care of yourself and hope for the best. I'm not saying you can't set a good example by taking care of your health and I'm not saying you shouldn't care, but you can't let another adults behavior dictate your life.

You gotta let people find their own way. If you don't think you can deal with it maybe you should move on, you have the right to find the person you can be comfortable with. However pick someone you like just the way they are because changing people who don't want to change is impossible.

wish4fit
01-18-2008, 01:00 PM
Txang: I hope I wasn't too harsh in my earlier post....I got to thinking everyone deserves a chance to change. And when I saw that James is only 30...well, I felt like maybe he needs a few more chances. He has had some serious health complications for someone so young! :(

I'm really glad you had a chance to speak with him. It sounds like you stated your case well and that he was sensitive to your words. Have you considered discussing specific future goals with him? And not necessarily 'weight' goals, but health goals. I know you said you are concerned about his waist size. For example, maybe you could make goals together where his goal is to get his waist down to 40 inches or less and you could make your own goal for yourself? Maybe you could get gym passes and get a personal trainer. Sometimes it's really helpful to have a sort of 'role model' and to have someone who really understands fitness to help you reach your goals. From the detailed account of your conversation I think he knows you are not so much concerned with his weight, but rather his health - and that your love for him is not contingent with the number on the scale. That is probably what is most important in this. You are doing a great job of being supportive and not overbearing. Keep it up and ya never know, maybe he will come around. :hug::hug: ~ Angela

BrandNewJen
01-18-2008, 01:41 PM
My husband is not gung-ho about losing weight either. He's not to the extent that your man is, though, but he would occasionally do that "Fat B*astard" thing where he tweaks his nips and rubs his big belly... and it makes him look just AWFUL... Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hubby and normally I find him incredibly sexy... but the last time he did that I looked at him and I said, "That is not sexy--- at ALL. It's kinda gross- don't do that anymore"...

It kinda shocked him--- b/c as much as he makes jokes, men are like us--- they want to be found desirable. Maybe you should just get in his face when he says gross things like "my fat is hungry" and tell him straight out "You know, that's so gross? It really makes me kinda shudder when you say that."

Seriously... you're marrying a heart attack waiting to happen. Do you want your heart broken one day, or maybe you should lay it on the line and risk heartache NOW and tell him he better shape up b/c you're not marrying someone just to be a widow in 10 years...

I told my husband "we're getting older and just bigger and bigger. If we don't lose this weight now, we're going to be HORRIBLE parents when we have children b/c we'll be fat lazy slobs and won't be able to do all those fun things with our kids--- nor will we be able to teach them good food behaviors if we're still the same in a couple years."

So we're losing--- I'm losing much faster than him (which we all know shouldn't be the case, so obviously he's cheating when he's away from me) but he's still losing a pound or so a week, which is good. I just keep MAJORLY praising him and talking good and positive b/c it's too easy for him to give up. And it also gives ME motivation b/c I know if I quit, he will be right behind me. So as long as I'm doing good, I think he will keep it up for fear of falling behind.

PhotoChick
01-18-2008, 01:55 PM
I really wonder how far someone is supposed to go with that. I personally wouldn't make anyone else's lunch, unless half the time they were making mine.
It's all about balance.

I make dinner every night.
I pack lunches every night.

Every morning when it's cold, my husband goes out and starts my car so it'll be warm when I get in it.
Every evening after dinner he takes out the trash so I don't have to, no matter how bad the weather is.

It balances. We don't keep score or track who makes lunches or dinner when. We just do.

cbmare
01-18-2008, 02:07 PM
You've gotten a lot of support and suggestions here. I hope he will take to heart what you said. I hope he realized that it truly came from your heart.

Perhaps he'll come around more when he starts seeing your success. I have to say, boobalah was so unsupportive of me and would get angry when he'd fix these fat and carb laden meals and I'd just have a nibble. When I would fix something he'd complain that it needed full fat cream, not light milk. Well, it turned on him. People started noticing my weight loss and commenting about it. He saw my passport picture and asked where the other half my face went. He saw me in baggy undies and asked why I was wearing bloomers. He also realized that his waist had grown by more than 2 inches and mine was shrinking. He realized that he was going to have to buy new clothes and that he was sick all the time. He started working out with me after months of ridiculing me when I was doing WATP.

I do hope and pray that James will come around for you. I know this is breaking your heart.

mandalinn82
01-18-2008, 02:29 PM
Wow - I was in this thread and didn't know it.

I want to second the "can you prepare his breakfast/lunch/snacks?" idea, so long as it won't make you feel taken advantage of. It may be that planning isn't his strong suit, and if you don't have an eating plan, you're going to have a hard time choosing NOT to go with easy, fast, and tasty fast food, even if you know the health risks.

Jay, different relationships work different ways. I see my doing the cooking as a trade off for having a longer, healthier life with my partner. And she takes care of other things while I cook. Also, I like cooking. So I don't resent cooking dinner for her and/or packing her lunch, even though she doesn't do it for me. :shrug: it's just how we've worked it out.

famograham
01-18-2008, 02:44 PM
I have been married for 11.5 years, and I can truthfully say that I do MANY things to take care of my husband. I sometimes make his lunch, and every weekend day, I wake him up with coffee in bed.
I don't feel un-liberated, or taken advantage of. I'm a SAHM, and our tradeoff for that is that he makes the money and I do almost everything around the house. I'm OK with that. I feel that for now, that is my job. However, once I'm working, I think I will probably ask for more help.

Marriages that last require compromise, not bullheaded 50/50.

queennmab
01-18-2008, 03:25 PM
txangelgirl, I'm going to lay down for you what I see and have experienced. The problems this man has and will give you involve a lot more than just weight.

I married a big guy (400 lbs at the time but now he's gained). I thought, hey I've been fat all my life. I'm a nice person, I just have difficulty losing. Well, that may hold true for some of us, but not all of us.

The reason my husband got so big is because he is really, really selfish. In every possible way. The most obvious way this quality manifests itself is with food. His belly is his god. He can deny himself no pleasure that he wants. Namely, fast food.

That's more his problem than mine. He's dangerously unhealthy and continues to gain weight, but you may think either that you can help someone like that to change their ways or just enjoy whatever time you do have with them.

The trouble is that this kind of selfishness involves more than food. For instance, my husband has borrowed or taken thousands of dollars from both our parents with no intention of paying it back. He works a part-time job, refuses to look for more work because work is too hard (laziness is another form of selfishness). He has had to move into his parents basement because he can't pay for all of his bills and I can't support him.

More than that, he only cares about what he wants. Any time he has to choose between my wants and his you can guess who wins out.

The description of your man sounds scarily like my own. My advice is forget the "health" stuff. This guy is bad news. However much you think you love him now, once you're married you're going to discover the hard way that he will always get what he wants at your expense. Find a man with a healthy personality.

txangelgirl
01-18-2008, 03:51 PM
Hey ladies, well I am home for lunch....

Laurie Dawn: I gave him space and a few months later he was diagnosed with artritis and all that, he had gotten to the brink of issues. But I am glad that is what's working for the two of you.
Faerie: actually I would have much liked it if someone had cared enough about me to make me aware of the risks, and offered to help me do it like I have offered James. See I didn't have anybody who did that, and when I asked I didn't get help, so I only had myself (and now this board) to help me.
Nelie: yes I have done all those things, but they are great suggestions. i have done everything but lose the weight for him.And yes I do all the grocery shopping and meal planning and cooking. It's when he is not home that he eats so badly. The only thing is lunches - he works on the road, so he prefers to get lunches out so they are freshly made. But yes I have given him healthy alternatives (as possible) for just about every place he goes to, but he doesn't get them.
Rhonda: I couldn't have said it better myself. that is precisely what's going on. Thank you.
Barby: you just might be right...he has been overweight all his life, so yeah he might be afraid to lose the weight, but why - I don't understand why losing weight can make some people afraid.

Chelavon
01-18-2008, 03:58 PM
Hi Holli,

I think most everyone has already said it, he has to make that change on his own. You stood up to him and made your peace so I think you have done what you can do. From here on out it is up to him, he should realize that in you he has a support system. That right there shows love for one another. I hope for his sake he realizes that all that cover up with the belly stuff, is just making his life shorter.

I make lunch for my family every night. My husband has also lost weight because I pack his lunch, he no longer has the option to just stop in a fast food place, he does it once a month for lunch and is happy with that. Actually that has saved a little on gas because now he doesn't have to drive some where to eat. I make my kids lunch because like some one said earlier it only takes a few more seconds. My oldest daughter has bad school lunch and started not eating at all, so thats why I make hers. I enjoy doing this for my family becuase they do things for me like my hubby takes care of all the outside stuff and my kids like cleaning the bathroom (weird, I know), so it all works out!

txangelgirl
01-18-2008, 04:06 PM
Whoa everyone was posting at the same time :) Basically, to sum up all of it, this was the last time I am pointing out his risks to him; he's a grown man and can think for himself. and while he didn't know all the risks before, he knows now. Next, he really wasn't hurting on the inside about his weight, he truly just didn't care. And yes I love him too much to just let him continue on wihtout at least saying how I feel. Amanda (and anyone else who wondered) I do prepare all snacks and meals, and have them ready to go whenever they want them; they just have to grab and heat up, or serve, whatever the snack is. I love cooking, and have cooked since I could walk LOL, so yeah I really enjoy that. And it feels good to see him eating the snacks I prepare, it's just his diet outside of the house that is so opposite you know. Anyway yes I do hope as I get further along that he will really change his ways. He already has seen a little difference, so I am really hoping that he will soon decide to follow suit....

txangelgirl
01-18-2008, 04:19 PM
by the way I totally agree with Amanda...I do see me cooking and preparing meals and grocery shopping etc as a trade off for my partner too. Even if I didn't love cooking as much as I do, I'd still do it cause I know that shows love to him, and also I am helping to prepare a healthy home for him. I guess I just do it automatically cause I love him, and I know it makes him happy when I fix healthy but good things he likes to eat. Just like he likes snack mix, I made up a homemade recipe with a lot less sodium and even threw some Kashi in there, and he loved it. Or the grilled shrimp I got the other night....I hate seafood and he knows it, so when I prepare seafood for him that really speaks volumes of love in his eyes.

And Angela, I really appreciated your comeback post; actually I am doing a minigoal in my home, but the major one here for my tracker; my mini goal is to get below 200. And since James has been overweight most of his life, I think that might be too lofty a goal to get under 40 lol, but yeah that is a great idea, a great idea indeed. Maybe I should help him come up with mini goals. And I really appreciate knowing I said everything okay, and in the right way.

I haven't said anything today, and probably won't unless he brings it up. I kinda feel like if I bring up making goals that maybe he hasn't had time to absorb all the info I shared last night, or will it - should I wait or ask if he wants help with making goals now? you know, wait til he brings up the subject?

Jasmine31
01-18-2008, 04:48 PM
Well marriage is a balance. There are some things we do for our men and some things they do for us. Who packs lunches/cooks dinner? When both dh and I were working he would help cook a few times a week. He was great to help with chores. I always packed him a lunch. Now that I stay at home and he works f/t I take on more of the home responsibilities. I cook 99% of the time/ pack lunches/ clean etc. If I am sick or just upset or something he will offer to cook. He is a great guy. On his days off he helps with chores and handles all the car/lawn/heavy duty stuff. Keep packing those lunches Nelie. ;)

To the original poster this looks bad, real bad. Run fast. My ex dh was the same way. He was 6'4 and 235 when we married, over time being an otr driver the weight crept up and health issues started cropping up. Before I knew it he was 340 and hypertensive. He became violent and angry and etc/etc. We split, then divorced. After 11 years of marriage. Within 3 years of us divorcing it seems he had lupus/heart valve disease/diabetes and God only knows what else. He is now dead at 35.

Run fast my friend.

cbmare
01-21-2008, 08:06 PM
Oh, Jasmine! I don't know what to say about your ex. I'm glad you found someone who is supportive of you.

Holli, how are things now? Do you think things are sinking in?

txangelgirl
01-21-2008, 08:25 PM
Hey Mare,

Well I haven't said anything to him, and he hasn't said anything either, so honestly I don't know. I know he was receptive when we talked, but it hasn't come up. I told him yesterday that, since he was home all weekend and eating healthy, to weight himself this morning and tell me what he weighed, but I haven't asked yet. Knowing him, he probably forgot.

rakel
01-21-2008, 10:13 PM
This is a tough situation, but I have to say you should give him a chance. Just because other people may have had a bad situation with their ex or current partner doesn't mean that's what's going on in this situation, but I think you and your family and friends would know better.

I will say, however, that I relate to him some. I have always been overweight, but when I got up to over 300lbs, my fiance frankly told me that I should really lose weight, that I was losing my facial features and he missed the old me. As much as it was painful to hear it, he was right. I needed to stop pretending like there wasn't a problem and face it. It was REALLY hard for me, and we got into a lot of arguments where I would just lose it and be so frustrated about everything, about how I was even at this place to start with.

Reading these responses, I'm thinking to myself, "What if John decided to leave me based on that?" I am so thankful that he is giving me the chance to get healthy, and while he sometimes nags me if I go for awhile without exercising or if I'm tending to eat unhealthy food which I don't necessarily like, it does keep me accountable. He's pretty good, but I think he should give me a little more faith, because so far even though I have slipped off the wagon for a month or two, I haven't gained back any weight, and even managed to slowly lose some, which in my eyes is still progress.

So I say, keep working on it. I wouldn't make him feel like you're going to leave him if he can't get his act together... if John hinted at that it would have been devastating to me, because I really counted on him being there for me and supporting me despite any sugar withdrawals or frustrations I had, or what I weighed. Just knowing that he loves me no matter what has been a huge strength for me, but even though he still loved me when I was over 300lbs, I know that he will find me even sexier with 100lbs gone (or more!), and I want to please him... but it did take me awhile before I really became ready to do this.

bluex
01-21-2008, 11:48 PM
I just want to say that you cannot lose weight for someone else. Your motivation has to be your own. If someone chooses to leave you for your weight, that's their problem, not yours. I am fortunate enough to be with someone who loved me when I was morbidly obese and who still loves me. I am also fortunate enough that I am supported in my diet.

I had an unsupportive partner at one point and nothing is harder. It's hard to resist the junk when you are forced to go pick it up or just be around it.

Ultimately, it is your decision. When you make up your mind that you are doing this for you, no one can derail you. It's hard but I've been in places where the bad food is all around me and now I am able to step back and make good choices and prepare when I can and then rage later when I can't. It's really up to you. It's not like quitting smoking where you never have to see those cigs again, you have to continue to eat so it takes incredible strength but you can do it!

txangelgirl
01-21-2008, 11:59 PM
All,

Okay I think that my words have gotten lost somewhere in here.... nowhere did I say I was not giving him a chance. Secondly, in our home James is nowhere around junk food, cause I won't allow it hahaha. (I do all the shopping). Third, I actually feel that getting off junk food really is a whole lot like quitting smoking. :intro here - hi, I am an ex smoker, having quit on January 4th, 2007, so I am as of today 1 year and two weeks smoke free :D : And saying no to junk food or unhealthy choices is a whole lot like saying no to a smoke. I enjoyed smoking, I also enjoyed eating junk. I found it so tough to quit smokiing, and equally tough to stop eating junk. quitting smoking, even though you don't see them, is still hard; I know, I've done it in the recent past :D And darn proud of it too hahaha. And lastly I really appreciate all your comments; I knew I'd get a whole slew of them by posting, and that's exactly why I posted. :D It's not like I am saying I don't love him, or that if he doesn't change right this second that I will leave him. I guess, like with most other things, if you knew both parties involved you'd probably have a different outlook. James has a very relaxed, "I don't care" demeanor about him, he always has. Extremely laid back and easy going. But he also lacks the get up and go, for just about anything in his life, including things that mean a lot to him; he is a huge procrastinator and he knows it. And he is the precise type of person that needs things to be totally laid out for him, and have his hand held, and encouraged, before he does anything. There is nothing wrong with that, don't get me wrong. i have absolutely no problem being that for him, helping in any way he needs me. this is why I laid it all out for him like that, and why I'm now sitting back and giving him the room to make his choice, all the while trying to stay focused on my choice. I think the more weight I lose, the more motivated he's gonna get. Once he sees a big difference, and that this "diet" stuff really works LOL, he'll join me. But unfortunately, in his condition, I just hope his body will hold out and wait on him to catch up and make that choice. He already has problems, so believe me, I am in prayer that the Lord minds those while the clock ticks. :D Hope this helped clear up my end a bit more.

bluex
01-22-2008, 12:27 AM
I can only tell you that sadly, I have not led by example. My mother and brother are both obese, my brother being dangerously morbidly obese. While they were inspired for a while, they have not followed through. Which is not to say, I stop trying or that I stop hoping. You just kinda have to keep saying it without nagging, but also maybe accept he may not do it till he's ready for his own reasons.

rakel
01-22-2008, 01:07 AM
txangel, I was in no way saying that you were, I was just trying to enforce your decision to encourage him and stick by him. Like I said, you know him better than the people on this board, I think if there really is a problem with your relationship it will become evident in more than just one way. Sometimes I've said things about my fiance that people on this board have questioned, but they don't know him or us. Any situation can sound "bad" but not really be as bad as someone else thinks it is, because well, nobody is perfect, and to an extent we have to look beyond our partners shortcomings and love them anyway because we know they should be doing the same for us! But if it just about his weight -- you can't change him, he will have to do that himself! It's hard to give things a timeline though... you can't say something like, "If you don't lose weight by X time then you don't love me." because it's not that easy (again, not saying that you are doing this, just reinforcing!). A genuine effort is genuine, even with some imperfections... it is HARD to change! You are doing great so far tx, just keep going! :)

SouthLake
01-22-2008, 02:09 AM
txangel- Way to go for working so hard to make good choices. And, double way to go for loving your partner enough to have tough discussions. Things are only going to get tougher if he decides to continue on in his unhealthy lifestyle. But, if he chooses to do so, you can be confident in your decision, knowing that you've given him every opportunity to succeed and every tool available. Kudos! You're doing great!

I've been lucky enough to have a hubby who is supportive and participates in his own health care. My stepdad... not so much. He was diagnosed with hypertension and proceeded to do nothing. He would eat entire bags of tortilla chips in a day. He gained 15 pounds in a year. Finally, my mom sat him down and put it this way "If you are doing everything in your power to stay healthy, and you have a stroke or a heart attack, I will take care of you for the rest of your life. If I have to, I will quit my job and take care of you. But, if you continue to ignore your health and endanger yourself like this, and you have a stroke or a heart attack, I will stick you in the crappiest home I can find and never visit you." It may be tough love, but he got his BP checked for the first time in a year (190/100) and is finally on a low sodium diet and exercising.

blueyedlvrgirl
01-22-2008, 08:09 PM
Sounds like you did what you can, for now. You are going to have to see after some time has passed and maybe made it easy to forget everything you said. I hope for both of you that it really did sink in and that he has really truly come to realize the seriousness of his habits. Keep leading by example, that's the best thing you can do for him! That's what I have been doing!

txangelgirl
01-24-2008, 12:50 AM
Hi ladies! Well say to say that James has the creeping crud, so I am steering clear, armed with my Purell and Lysol! :D Poor baby. I got him some mini hershey's kisses, just a few!!, and told him "since I can't kiss you now, these should be sweet enough kisses to tie you over" LOL.

I told him Monday that since he stayed home all weekend (and thus ate only healthy food here at home) he should weigh himself out of curiosity. He said "I've always been 265 babe". and I said "well it won't hurt ya then." Well he forgot, until Tuesday morning... and he weighs 260.2!! :carrot: I told him "wow babe, look at you! Now most of that was probably water, but that's still fine! See you can do this!" He was pretty happy too hahaha. Anyway, we'll see how he does. :D I thought that was great news. :carrot: