So, I'm at the point where I've lost almost 100 lbs now over the past 2 years. I know that that may sound great or whatever, but sometimes I just can't get over the way people treat me now as opposed to the way I used to be treated. I haven't changed at all, I'm the same person, but now because I look different, I'm treated better...it just doesn't seem right to me. I was my heaviest throughout high school and my first year of college, sure sometimes people were horrible, but I was really quite invisible. Now, I'm apparently pretty or something (as you can tell, I don't agree with this at all) and everyone's nice to me all of a sudden. Girls pay more attention to me and I can't help but think it's only because I look better physically. As I said, I'm in college, so I'm still around immature girls and whatnot. I don't really tell people about my weight loss either, I don't shove it in peoples face's or anything, so they just don't know. But I'll be hanging out with some girls and a heavy person will pass and they'll start making fun of them and talk about how disgusting it is and then I'm like I used to be almost 300lbs. They're like "what, no you didn't." And I'm like yeah I was, and then usually end up leaving instead of saying what's going through my mind. Sometimes people give me weird looks and say things about the people I hang out with too. Sure, some of my friends aren't the most beautiful pepole by conventional standards, but I honestly don't care. I accept people for who they are, regardless what they look like, and if I think they're cool- I'm gonna spend time around them. I don't see why people can't understand that and sometimes it really gets to me. Just wondering if anyone feels the same way and if you guys think I'm crazy or something.
You will notice that in high school and college the thinner you get, the more accepted you will be by those in the majority. Why? The majority of people in high school and college are still thin or normal sized. Their metabolisms haven't slowed yet. They are young and still highly concentrated on their looks and what brands they wear.
As time goes on, this begins to wane. Ten years after college, some girls are young mothers and could care less about how they look running to and fro from the grocery store to get diapers. Also, your pool of friends begins to dissolve. With less friends around, you do not have the competitiveness that exists in college and high school to be the best dressed or best looking because there is no one to care.
I'm not saying you completely lose all your friends or never make new ones, but priorities change and people generally become more accepting. Superficial girls that you hang out with now will gain twenty or so pounds ten years later and be less caring about how they look and who wears what - UNLESS - they are of a high social class. If they are of a high social class (affluent, wealthy) they will endeavor to keep their college body and still dress in name brands. This is because they still keep their 'cliques' within social settings like fund raisers and country clubs. In these places, it's high school all over again and everyone just talks about what great cars they are buying their kids or what schools their kids will go into - Harvard, Stanford, ect.. but that's a whole 'nother ballgame as they say. Hope you never experience that one...
I'm only 1/2 way to my goal of dropping 100. But I understand how some people are. A friend and I was talking about this the other day.
I told her if I was in high school and they treated me like crap then I dropped pounds now all of a sudden they were friendly I'd tell them to kiss my butt. It's tough, fat people in this country are always so disrespected and discriminated against it's not even funny.
But I'll tell you something at least you didn't become that way after losing weight. You are a beautiful person on the inside and I hope you stay that way. Never forget where you came from or what you have accomplished, but please stay the caring and considerate person you are right now.
Hi,
I have noticed this too, and it might have something to do with looks, esp. back in high school, i lost a lot of weight for the first time my junior year of HS.
but I always attributed most of it to me.
Do you feel better now that you've slimmed down? I always find that I am more relaxed and care free, happier and more social when I have lost weight. I find it easier to see the good in everything.
I think you naturally attract people, or appear more approachable when you are feeling good.
I'm not saying that fat prejudice doesn't exist, but there might be more facets to the cause of this.
just something to ponder...
I lost most of my weight between the ages of 26 and 28, and I thought that it was the same as your situation. But the longer I sit at 'maintenance' (or close to it), the more I realize that I *did* change. I have more self-confidence than I ever did before, and other people notice it.
I am probably old enough to be most of your mothers but reading this made me feel like you were older and wiser than myself.
My experience was a little different and is even now but I would like to share with you the double-edged sword I have at my age 54 1/2.
As I have lost weight and I am able to wear a more variety of clothes what I get is more the "you're trying to look younger or capture your youth" kind of look. I realize to someone who is in your 20s or 30s you may wonder what the heck is that but wait when you get to be my age and you will know.
I was obese for 1/2 of my life. I didn't gain all of my weight until I was 30. I did not enjoy my 20s even though I was thin because I was hit on by so many men including men I worked with that it made me curl up inside and just die. I felt humiliated by that kind of attention.
I would like to believe that now that I am my age I won't have to endure that but I also don't look my age (I have been told I look 40 in my face). I feel like I don't know where I belong at times because a lot of women my age have given up looking nice and wait until they can be grandmothers so they can go around wearing sweat shirts with kittens on them (and I love cats, so don't get me wrong). I ended a good friendship because my friend was becoming "one of them" before my eyes and I felt like she was letting the very life being sucked right out of her. I am not ready to play Bingo on Friday nights or buy an RV and see America.
So, if you think someday when you are older you won't have problems, you will they will just be different. I do hope they won't include weight ones or you will be like me and have to be concerned about your heart, your liver or your kidneys. lol
I want my older years to be what I want to make of them not what others think I should be like. Stand your ground, girls, you can do this.
Okay...don't hate me...I used to be kinda of like one of those people who made fun of the fat people. Not out loud, I would never want to hurt someones feelings but more like, "if i ever get that fat, just shoot me". No, i'm not proud of that. But as the years past, i did start to get to that point and past it where i should have been shot! But you know what, thank heavens i did get fat. Because it definately makes me a much more compassionate person to those who are over weight. When i see someone at the gym who is over weight and working out, instead of thinking "yeah, they need to be working out", now i think "alright!!! good for them for getting out there and trying to change their lives."
And yes, the younger the people, the less accepting and immature they are. I'm sorry that you have to go thru that, but this is your chance to show them how inconsiderate and mean hearted they are being. But on the positive side, at least they are not doing it to their face. People who are overweight already are hard enough on theirselves usually, they don't need others to point it out to them that they are overweight.
Now, back to what you were talking about. As an adult, no, i've never noticed that i have been treated differently being over weight as opposed to being thin...other than all the men in my office who feel the need to tell me on a daily basis how good i am looking. As a young teenager, i dealt with a couple of snickers as i walked past some teenage boys. The girls never really gave me one moments thought....as far i know.
All I can really say is, try to set an example to these people and try to help them learn compassion.
Last edited by lumifan4ever; 01-17-2008 at 03:36 PM.
Hi, I find all of this very interesting as it's a topic I've thought about a lot since I became thinner. I am 49 years old, was thin as a younger person, gained most of my weight after 30, and spent @ 20 years in elastic waist clothing and feeling that I needed to stay in the background of life (not just for this reason, but it was part of it). For health reasons I lost the weight and didn't anticipate the changes that it would have in others' perceptions of me. I view most of it with amusement since at this stage of my life, I've painfully learned to take things as they come and get a laugh out of it if I can. People now feel free to tell me how bad I looked before, sometimes indirectly and sometimes just coming right out and saying it - and I think they think they are complimenting me for my work now, but it just kind of makes me shake my head at the insensitivity, the prejudice, etc.
As time passes, I've realized their comments, opinions, etc. really have more to do with their own situations, needs, failures, whatever, and I just let it roll off, except for what it may tell me about that person and what they are projecting on to the world. I have revised my opinions of some people I've known for a while because of this, and I have lost a couple of friends who I think have felt I was showing them up by reaching this goal. I'm amazed that it can be like that.
One recent incident - I was next to 2 men, 60's, all of us on our treadmills, at the gym. They were looking all around and kept mentioning that good looking lady, or this one. Very high level conversation. One says to the other, "I love a woman in spandex." and looks right at me. Knew I heard him. (I was wearing leggings, yes.) I thought, Now I know what you think of me, but you don't know what I think of you, and it's better that way. And it had the opposite effect on me than what they wanted - I thought they were just 2 guys working out, now I thought they were ridiculous.
So, my point is, you're in charge. You decide who is important to you and what standards you have. Deal with other's issues as you have to to maintain what is right for you and let the rest go. Sounds to me like you are already on this path and that's great.
I think lumi and pink touched on something very important here - that the way people treat others is really about their own fears about themselves.
I believe that people who act the way you describe are afraid of becoming obese, because they only see themselves as having value because of their physical beauty. Talk about having only conditional love for yourself! Seriously, how strong can their sense of self worth be if they are that upset by the idea of having body-fat. In a way, thinking about that makes me have greater empathy for them as people struggling with low self-esteem. When they are confronted by someone who is overweight they feel uncomfortable with themselves, and they make overweight people "invisible" or subject to derision so as to either avoid the feeling of discomfort or turn the focus off themselves.
What's really sad is that if people could confront their discomfort head-on and work on understanding it, they might not only get to know some really great people who happen to be heavy but also realize that their body does not need to be how they define themselves.
You know that how much you weigh does not change the inner you. It will probably, as patatga said, change your behaviors, but I don't believe that necessarily changes who we really are.
Here's a thought: Sometime, if you feel like being a bit of a nudge, when someone says something nasty about a heavy person, ask them if they are afraid of being overweight themselves, or even why they are afraid of being overweight. Its not exactly gentle, but then again they are being obnoxious, and my empathy only extends so far.
I think one of the problems I often have with these discussions is that people don't seem to be able to sit with the idea that others DO make judgments about heavier people. Sometimes it IS about the fact you're smaller and nothing to do with being "confident" or more self accepting. If that were the case then why do fat people who are confident and accepting still suffer from crappy amounts of fat hatred?
It's hard pill to swallow and further complicates everything else about losing weight (at least the mental stuff). What I have learned to do is just distance myself from those thoughts because if I don't it just drives me bonkers. I set aside some time like ten minutes to vent my frustrations in my journal and then put it out of my mind.
So much of fat hatred, I've found, is tied to morality (as in if you're fat you're a glutton, out of control and possibly a sinner) and while it might be true that some people have some serious food issues, it's not always the case in every situation. Nevertheless fat is so often conflated with lapsed morality that people feel it is perfectly acceptable (from the medical community down to the fashion industry) to shame, judge and dedigrate those who struggle with weight and body shape.
Amarie, you are very insightful! In looking back, I definitely suffered from low self-esteem and was terrified of being fat. I got by on how I looked for years and lived in fear of having to actually "produce" for a change. Although I knew in my heart that I was smart and talented, I just couldn't believe that anyone else could see that. You're right about it being just as big a mental burden as being overweight.
I just happened upon this thread and have to confess that my own personal issues made me quietly judgmental of overweight people. It wasn't until I gained about 50 lbs that I realized that being thin isn't as easy as just "not eating too much". Once I blended into the woodwork, I got to know myself a lot better and was able to gain some of the self-confidence that I had always lacked. And once I felt better about myself, not only was I able to lose back to a healthy weight, but I was able to be a more supportive friend to everyone - including those overweight. Weight is a very complicated personal thing that I don't think we ever are able to stop managing. But it can be an avenue to personal growth as we work at being healthy both physically and mentally.
I think it's a mix. I think others do treat thin people better, but I also KNOW that I am more confident, outgoing, smiley that I ever was. If a fat girl wearing ugly jeans, with long straggly hair walks by you with her eyes down, not looking...would you react differently to her than a confident girl, with well-groomed hair, a great outfit, a beaming smile who looked you right in the eye?
People smile at me a lot more now - but probably because I am smiling FIRST.
Hay Kiddo, I read what you had to say and I agree, I've lived it too. When I was skinny I had people hate me too though because I would get the boys or what ever. I was always nice to everybody and still that wasn't good enough. Because then I would be called a goody goody or My sincereity would be called fake. I remember one day i was kneeling on the dirt on the edge of my front lawn planting tulips or something and this was on a semi busy street. o.k. with me so far... cars (all men mind you) would drive buy and I would get plenty of hoots and hollers and grunts! after an hour (without thinking) I just shouted at the next man who told me how pretty I looked in my tank top and shorts. I looked up and it was one of my neighbors from down the block.! I was embarrassed he was embarassed. I apologized and told him what had happened and that really I understood he was trying to be sweet. but... I was only18 and I guess young dumb and full of crumbs! Ugh! I totally feel you though. I get it. People for the passed few years haven't even paid me no attention. as fat as I am- I am freeken invisible. I get it too though. because when I pass a mirror- I try to be invisible myself, and not look.I am so glad for you that you are experience the life of a skinny-minny. You look great in your picture! And what you wrote was sincerely so sweet and insiteful. see ya! from flipflopfloosy
Isn't it interesting too that 66% of U.S. is obese
so that must mean that there is 2/3rds of our present population who are dealing and even struggling with these body image issues.
How many of you ladies have spent a lot of time on your nails, hair and make-up because you felt like you had to compensate for being fat? I know that I have. I remember having a size 6 friend, still my friend, who said "Well, at least, you dress nice!" She sends me lots of information about dieting even now (well meaning) even though I could write my own book because I have tried just about everything out therE. I finally figured out that she has as much insecurities about her size 6 and maintaining that after having 4 babies in under 6 years as I do about my size 24W.
The society we live in is so black and white about this issue. Women are put in such specific stereotypes. I have tried all of them on for size (no pun intended) at one time or another. All in an effort to "fit in" with someone or some thing that was being promoted at the time. It was such a waste of energy and time!! One image of a fat chick is "too much" makeup, nails, big hair, loud-mouthed and pushy. I've been her too. On the other spectrum is the skinny chick: sweet, passive, eager to please, guy's fantasy, Daisy Duke shorts with skimpy t top, big boobs, long hair and legs. I've been her too.
Now, I am working so hard at finding out the "real me". I have been so many other "me's " in the past I am not even sure who I am any more. Does anyone else ever feel that way?
Well, I got rid of the fake fingernails. I even just cut 6 inches off of my chemically induced blonde hair which I am going to allow to grow out to its natural hair color. I am working on keeping my voice to a normal roar rather than you can "hear me coming". Recently, I uped my goal weight by 15 lbs. All of these were scary for me to do. They were my security blankets.
Some days we are a people with a weight issue. Other days we are a weight with a people issue. As for rude comments, and I have been the target of a few, we can't control what other people say and do but we can control how we react to them. We can ignore what they say/do OR we can address it head on if we have the courage. Do whatever helps you feel good about yourself. I don't think either is a right or wrong way to handle "those kind of people". The one thing you don't want to do is allow that to become what you feel about yourself.
Who are we? Who knows! Maybe that's just what life's about. A long adventure in which we explore our avenues. Sometimes being uncomfortable is insighful in itself. When we're happy and everything is going our way, we don't stop to analyze why. I had a piano teacher one time tell me that young people can't play with feeling because they've never been hurt. If you've never known pain, you can't know joy.
Many of us are on an eternal quest to lose weight thinking that it is the key to happiness. But once you get there, you find that happiness is much more than just being thin. It isn't about weight. It's about building a healthy body and a healthy attitude. It's learning to please yourself instead of pleasing others. Once you can be proud of yourself, it's amazing how people gravitate to you.
Perception of self and others after weight loss
Isn't it interesting too that 66% of U.S. is obese
