Weight and Resistance Training - Those who have/had trainers...




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JerseyGirl69
01-03-2008, 01:09 PM
What was your relationship like?

Sometimes mine is the most amazing thing--I totally love my trainer--but then every once in a while (2x in last 4 weeks) we butt heads so badly.

IS THIS NORMAL?


mandalinn82
01-03-2008, 01:31 PM
Yes. If you're grumpy and someone is telling you to do something that is HARD, it makes you grouchy. As long as he/she is working for you and most times, you look forward to going, I think its ok.

JerseyGirl69
01-03-2008, 01:41 PM
LOL, not me--him! I'm not the grumpy one. Lately he's just been hard to deal with!


JerseyGirl69
01-03-2008, 03:02 PM
Long story short, twice in the last month we've had issues. I thought we dealt with it before Christmas (he was upset by something I said, but it was an honest mistake and I apologized). Then yesterday, I really don't know what it is. I wrote him this morning. Gist of it is:

As for yesterday, ... I really wish I understood why I frustrate you. I kept thinking about how you walked away. It seemed like you were really pissed off. If I did something, I don’t know what it was. Seriously, I try every session to give you my best, to push through every exercise, to not whine or procrastinate. Last night as I was thinking about this I wonder if I’ve made a mistake by being perhaps overly friendly with you (in your perspective)? I take the word friend seriously and I do consider you one, or want to, but perhaps my banter, harmless flirting, even the rare invite all seems inappropriate to you? I dunno. I just treat you like I do my male friends. You mentioned the line yesterday, so I guess I had crossed it. I didn’t mean to offend in any way.


But I can’t know what’s up if ya don’t lay it on the line. Do you just want me to shut up and just do the exercises without much talk? Is that it? When I do that, you think something’s wrong.

He wrote back "we'll talk tomorrow" and frankly, now I'm nervous.

To clarify, the invites were to do things as and with friends (twice, once in August, once recently) and the "harmless flirting" was really light joshing....

The training relationship is really important to me. I totally adore him, but I'm not sure if things aren't good because of me and something I'm doing or because of him and something he's dealing with....

I know there are other trainers. I'm invested here. I don't want to start over and I don't want anyone else, period. But I'm tired of it bouncing into being strained--unless that's normal?

I think he's not used to someone like me. I'm bold, intelligent, challenging, independent, stubborn...I'm Italian, what can I say ; )

I spend way too much time analyzing what's not jiving here. It comes down to...I think...I "debate" him. His words. Well, I basically tell him how I feel, when I'm challenged, my emotions/fears, and what I heard "from him". Three times he has said something that contradicted something he said previously and I pointed that out. So, am I the bad guy for pointing that out? Just admit you made a mistake or changed your mind!

Argh, something's not right...I want it better...and I want it now. I feel like I'm waiting to hear that my boyfriend has broken up with me or is upset with me. No, we're not romantic...it's just I'm vulnerable to him, you know?

JerseyGirl69
01-03-2008, 03:05 PM
I may be making a mountain out of a molehill...maybe he just wants to talk about the overtraining, etc...but I'm on pins and needles.

There are other trainers, ones closer to home at other gyms, but he has shown a genuine interest in my goals and his own experience and knowledge for weight loss really, plus his style make him my perfect fit for training.

Lydia227
01-03-2008, 06:11 PM
Ohhh this sounds goood. (rubbing hands together) Please keep us posted with what happens. Honestly, maybe it is becoming too personal. :dunno: The personal trainer I worked with this summer was female and I met with her once a month for about five months. For the most part, I was working too hard to chat. When I would speak it would interrupt my concentration and I couldn't finish the set or lift quite as heavy. The most she would say was "really great workout this morning and you are looking really good..." Pretty impersonal from that standpoint and not much for motivation is it ?

sportmom
01-03-2008, 06:27 PM
I think he's not used to someone like me. I'm bold, intelligent, challenging, independent, stubborn...I'm Italian, what can I say ; )

I spend way too much time analyzing what's not jiving here. It comes down to...I think...I "debate" him. His words. Well, I basically tell him how I feel, when I'm challenged, my emotions/fears, and what I heard "from him". Three times he has said something that contradicted something he said previously and I pointed that out. So, am I the bad guy for pointing that out? Just admit you made a mistake or changed your mind!


It could be a style issue, just from what you said above. Perhaps you are exhausting him, and he wants to focus on lifting. Although you said he starts alot of it or initiates the banter, maybe he wants to be in control of it and not have it given back to him. Has he ever mentioned argumentative? Maybe he's losing the humor and seeing it only as a negative. Seriously, sometimes people can find the back and forth banter or ribbing pretty draining! Does he ever initiate the long text messaging to you? Maybe that's just not his thing and so he just said we'll chat tomorrow, and in fact, there won't be any big discussion. Guys are like that alot. They don't like long phone calls or debating things either (so i've been told! :o). So those are my guesses, you'll have to let us know.

JerseyGirl69
01-03-2008, 06:33 PM
Yes. Argumentative, Combative, Debate...

But I mean it can be when he says X and I say "Oh, last month you said Y" and he says "No, I didn't." Sorry, my memory is good--yes he did ; P

I'm just not good with monologue. DIalogue, yes, but monologue...no.

The chatting is during the rest sessions or pre or post workout. He's really good at tuning in and dealing with the life stuff so you can put your all into the workout. But yeah, maybe I overwhelm him. I hate that, but I am what I am--emotional. This is a hard journey. It is emotional. I just can't simply do the exercises and never talk about the journey....

He texts and emails and has initiated some, but the emotional emails I initiate. Usually it's a "here's where my head is at" email. When we first argued last month he said that it's like I forget that he went through this. IOW, he knows--no need to say it. Uh, yeah--because I need to get it out of me.

Maybe it is the male/female thing.

I can't really change me or my way 100%. Nor should I, nor should he. I just want to meet in the middle. I want him to enjoy working with me as I do him.

Even if it is "too personal" for professional, I don't want to give him up. I want him to take me all the way to goal....

Mel
01-03-2008, 09:04 PM
Even if it is "too personal" for professional, I don't want to give him up. I want him to take me all the way to goal....

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but having worked as a trainer for six years, I think you are looking for a personal friend and he is providing a professional service. If you are concerned about conflicting information, you have right to question him on it. But keep in mind that what might have been "right" for you a few months ago may have changed because of your increasing fitness level, weight, etc.

Most of my clients are/were women, so that probably makes a big difference, however MY trainer was a man and I did have several male clients. Some banter is fine...but there definitely is a line. Many of my clients became good friends. Many of my clients regarded me a their therapist as well as their trainer...when you spend a lot of time with someone and you click, the confidences can flow. There were plenty of times that some of my clients were sitting in my office with the door closed sobbing. Hard physical work does make people emotional.

BUT...and here is the reality part: You are a paying client, he's not your best friend and if he's making a living as a trainer, you are one of many clients who all want his attention and time to some degree. If you are too demanding, either emotionally or time-wise, to preserve his business he has to pull back. If he's training full time, he's probably got clients scheduled every hour from 6am til 6 pm or later, with a few breaks in between. Do you expect him to stop in the middle of someone's session and text message you? How would you feel if you were the one whose session was being interrupted?

Again, I'm sorry if this sound offensive, but he is being paid to train you and help you along the journey...by the hour. Friendship outside the gym is a bonus if both of you want it, but like any other friendship, it has to be mutually desired and rewarding.

Mel

GatorgalstuckinGA
01-03-2008, 09:30 PM
i agree wit mel..yes its easy to get carried away with your PT and start acting as if he/she is your friend...but like mel said..its a professional relationship...and should be that way. I understand you may be strong and stubborn...but maybe you should look at your relationship with your PT in a different way. Both you and he should remain professional while you are paying for his traiing. Of corse its understading that you guys will chat during the work out session, however it should remain on a professional level during the training.

JerseyGirl69
01-04-2008, 04:27 AM
He's the one who called it friendship first, and yes, we're highly compatible that way. I've asked him before if he wants me to pull back on the sharing, and never got an answer, but I did anyway. I worked on changing my head and I've made progress there. But he seems to think I'm still where I was 2 months ago, and I'm not. I haven't sent a long diatribe about the challenge in at least 6-8 weeks, just update emails such as weight or what I liked about the session or what was challenging and of course scheduling info and what might be going on in my life (that would affect training--like job stuff). I pulled back and I don't think he's caught up to me there.

We've had some talks and it really seems he thinks he's dealing with the old me and I know he's not. I may not be 100% where he wants yet, but I'm far from where I was--only he doesn't believe me.

Anyway, I asked him if he wants me to stop the banter, stop even the friendship/friendliness part and I guess today I may hear his answer on that.

I can see how friendships develop out of training and frankly, I want his friendship. But yes, has to be mutual. Really don't know how to pull back that part of me....

GatorgalstuckinGA
01-04-2008, 09:02 AM
well let us know how the chat went today. In all honesty, if you've pulled back and keep this more professional...and he hasnt...you may have to start looking for another traininer. I know you don't want to...but no one needs added drama (on his part) in life when you have other things going on. I highly recommend listening to what he says today...analyzing it...and really deciding if this is "working" for you. It may be time to move on with another trainer if you guys are both having such issues. Its unfortunate and i know something you don't want to do...but you are paying him..and if he can't remain professional (as you said) maybe its time to find someone who can????? good luck.

Meg
01-04-2008, 09:18 AM
I can see how friendships develop out of training and frankly, I want his friendship. But yes, has to be mutual. Really don't know how to pull back that part of me....

The thing is ... it's an artificial kind of friendship. It's difficult to characterize a client-trainer relationship because in one sense, it’s so intimate. Of necessity, it involves bodies, touching, and physical closeness. And many unguarded moments. So by it's very nature, it's an unconventional relationship.

But it’s usually a relationship that only exists within the four walls of the gym, so you can't call it a friendship in the conventional sense. When someone is being paid to spend an hour with you, several times a week, it’s not a social relationship. Of course, it usually ends up being a friend-LY relationship, since it’s hard to spend so much one-on-one time and not talk and be cordial. But it’s rare, I think, that the relationship can transcend the gym and be a genuine, mutual friendship.

I agree with GatorGal that if the relationship is causing you such angst and grief, you may want to reevaluate whether this is the best way to spend your training dollars. It would be a shame to see your amazing progress and transformation stalled by anguish over what should be a paid, professional relationship. :hug:

manchuntd88
01-04-2008, 10:04 AM
Ohh This IS good! I understand where you are coming from though because my HAIRDRESSER is like that and I only have to see him every 6 weeks. He'll tell me that its GOOD to straighten my hair with a straightening iron because is "seals down the cuticle" then the next month he'll criticize me for "burning my hair with that thing". I stick with him because he's the best and cheap and plays movies for me on his portable dvd player, but I try not to involve myself with any personal business just light banter.

JerseyGirl69
01-04-2008, 10:43 AM
All is well. He misconstrued something I said (thought I was hitting on him when I very much wasn't) and is also dealing with something at work that's weighing him down.

I had emailed him yesterday saying "just lay it on the line" and thankfully he did. When I invited him out to have fun, he took fun to mean "fuuuuun" and worried that lines were crossed. They weren't. We have been social friends outside the gym a bit and I'm too naive to get that the word fun could be misconstrued. I said to him, "If I were hitting on you, you'd know it" LOL.

On top of that, he got a poor performance review. The gym is new--6mo old. Very high end and also very much in hot water $ because of sucky marketing. Anyway, he hasn't built a huge book of clients and yet I can tell you he is the best at what he does. He just doesn't give clients "less" to keep and/or earn their business. So, he was, IMO, emotionally fragile and it came out a bit during previous session.

Anyway, good part of all this is we got our lines clear and I even addressed "are we really friends" and yes, we are.

Good. Let's put the drama to bed then.... Well maybe that's wishful thinking. He still finds me a debater and that frustrates him, but tough nooky.

Lydia227
01-04-2008, 12:28 PM
JG: I'm glad that you and your trainer were able to address this together. It's a pretty sensitive topic to discuss especially when feelings and egos are at stake. Good luck with establishing and maintaining a healthy rapport and keep kicking serious glutes.

JerseyGirl69
01-04-2008, 12:37 PM
Had to get in a glute joke, didn'tcha : )

Lydia227
01-04-2008, 01:31 PM
:devil: Well....Yeah! :rofl:

jaimebourne
01-04-2008, 05:34 PM
I went to bed TOTALLY ANXIOUS about what he was going to say to you - and I'm new here, so I don't know you at all! I'm glad it all worked out in the end. I'd never think "have some fun" meant "have some fuuuuun," either, so you're not alone on that one!

JerseyGirl69
01-04-2008, 07:00 PM
YOU were anxious! I was really troubled by it.

He and I are so much alike and that includes our emotionality and I was so afraid he was gonna say I'd driven him over the edge and he was passing me off to someone else. I don't want anyone else. Period. HE IS IT. There's just something about how we work. It's meant to be, KWIM?