100 lb. Club - What is the matter with me? Afraid of Love? :(




Smiling_Sara
12-31-2007, 04:14 PM
I'm 29, and have never really dated. I'm so shy when meeting new ppl it's almost like I clam up and freeze. I'm hoping some ppl here can help me out a little as to why this is? I'm a homebody and don't get out much. I enjoy being at home watching sports and reading, and cruising the internet. I talk on forums and end up falling for ppl that live so far away that it would never work out romanticly. I don't know if this is a defense mechanism so I can ensure that i won't get heartbroken, even though I end up heartbroken bc these guys I fall for I can' be with anyways. Ppl have told me that I should try online dating and I actually set up an acct on a free site and I got some emails from ppl and this one guy has really peeked my interest. He wants me to call him but I just can't bring myself to. I even pondered a month before getting back to him to ask him if he had any sort of IM service so I could get to know him a little better first. (Since that is how my last 4 years of love interests have been, through IM first, then phone convo's ) but he said he didn't and to please call him.

This makes me feel just awful. I'm 29 and by this time in my life I really wanted to be settled down and to have had children and whole 9 yards already, but alas, I"m here, terrified of dating. In high school I was always the "friend" to the guys, they all wanted the tiny little things ad girlfriends and not the heavy girl. So, I don't know if that is a stigma to that since I'm even about 70 lbs heavier than what I was in HS? Maybe I feel like I can't date until I am smaller bc if I can't stand to look at me body than how can I expect anyone else to? I look in the mirror and I do believe I am good looking, and pretty, and many ppl have told me that, but I also sometimes feel like how can anyone be attracted to me? It's strange, I know.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just know that I wish I had found my mate by now and I don't want to get hurt. I know this is kind of all over the place but if anyone has anything to say for encouragement or even to kick my butt over please do. I need it going into 2008 AND the very last year of my 20's :(


Trazey34
12-31-2007, 04:23 PM
awwwww I want to give you a hug! and then maybe a gentle smack too ;)

One thing boys can smell a MILE away is either desperation or lack of confidence so ditch 'em if you got 'em! Fake it til you feel it for real, if need be.

If YOU are madly in love with YOU, if YOU think YOU are awesome and interesting and worth knowing and loving, then surely it can't be long til others find out too :D

but alas, it's like someone saying to us all here that "just eat less and exercise more will make you lose weight" D U H! You have to feel it within yourself I guess, no amount of nagging is going to do it for you.

But if it's any consolation, I was in the same boat - I was a 25 year old virgin, always the "best friend" never the girlfriend. I was never shy, but loud and funny so I was the fun friend they'd talk about girls with! UGH! But one day, I met a friend of a friend, my head exploded the minute I laid eyes on him, we became great friends and i told him over coffee one night "hey, you're such a great guy, I'm going to find the perfect girl for you!!!", and he took my hand and said "what if YOU'RE the perfect girl for me???"

OH MY GOD!!!! heheheh that was over 15 years ago and it still gives me goosebumps!!!!

Never give up -- he might be right around the corner :D

oh and P.S -- don't kid yourself that relationship woes are the exclusive domain of the fat girl !!! I know PLENTY of miserable thins and plenty of happy chunkies :D

dustdiva
12-31-2007, 04:54 PM
Trazey has some good points. I sort of needed to be reminded of them myself!

While internet dating sites can be a way to meet people you wouldn't otherwise meet, the fact is that real life isn't lived online. The things you say you enjoy doing at home alone can also be done in public -- why not try spending some time at a book store, library, or internet cafe, where you can "hide" behind a book while trying to get comfortable outside your "comfort zone"? If that is too difficult, perhaps there is some other activity or group you could explore, as a way to hang out with people who share your same interests.

No matter what your age or experience, the "love" thing can be scary and you have to remember you're not the only one who might be afraid of getting hurt. And if you do get hurt or heartbroken, use that as a learning experience, not as a reason to hold back from trying again.

Most of all, lose the "deadline" mentality -- 29 is still YOUNG!!! (A number of my friends didn't get married or start having families until in their 40s).

Good luck to you!


sockmonkey70
12-31-2007, 05:18 PM
I really like dustdiva's suggestion of doing things you like outside your comfort zone...Just to get used to being around people. I am a homebody like you too...Sometimes I groan when my phone rings and it's one of my friends because I know they want me to go out and do something...But then I answer the phone, go out, and have a good time LOL.

CherryBlossom
12-31-2007, 06:15 PM
Let me just say, I can relate.

I had my first relationship two years ago when I was 17...and it was a freak occurence. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I thought having a man would make me love myself, but it did the opposite. It kept me from standing up for myself when I realized the guy was a jerk.

So I learned right quick having a man wasn't going to do anything for me, that I had to do for myself. That was gain confidence, feel beautiful, etc.

And other people have said this, but you do still have plenty of time. It's been my experience things that change our lives, are things that come unexpectedly. When you least expect it. My mom often told me she was single at 35 and gave up on ever getting married. Two years later, she was married with and pregnant with me.

And I always thought that "men are attracted to confidence thing" was crap. "It may be true, but only because all hot women are confident!" Well I quickly learned that people say that all the time for a reason. It's true!!! I can't attract a man for anything. But I have friends...much bigger than me...that are heartbreakers! They have new boyfriends each month. What do they have that I don't? Yeahhhh, confidence lol. :hug:

JasonsLea
01-01-2008, 02:00 AM
I basically second everything everyone is saying and wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm in the same boat.


And I always thought that "men are attracted to confidence thing" was crap. "It may be true, but only because all hot women are confident!" Well I quickly learned that people say that all the time for a reason. It's true!!! I can't attract a man for anything. But I have friends...much bigger than me...that are heartbreakers! They have new boyfriends each month. What do they have that I don't? Yeahhhh, confidence lol. :hug:

Same here! My BFF is larger than me, over 50 lbs, and guys can't get enough of her! And not just one 'type' of guy either, EVERY GUY! But then, besides being confident or as she says 'just Nikki', she a gorgeous girl.

Smiling_Sara
01-02-2008, 12:44 AM
Thank you for all the replies so far. It doesn't help that I have lived in small towns my entire life ( even now I live in a town with around 4000 ppl ) and my days pretty much consist of going to work where I am the youngest by 15 yrs, and it's a very small office. Total of 5 ppl who work there. I never went to a conventional college setting so I never went through the phase in my life where you meet tons of new ppl. and our town and towns near me are so small that there really is nothing around. ( That I can see anyway )


I have a younger brother who got married in 2005, and now our even younger sister is getting married in July. I am the oldest of us 3. I have cousins and friends around my age that have families and usually I offer my services to watch their kids bc I just love children so much and once I leave and get into my car, there have been a couple times when I've teared up bc i so wish I had that ( my own family )

My mom ( not in a hurtful way mind you ) has made comments like "you know by the time I was your age I had all three of my kids" and I just say something like , "thanks for reminding me mom" and roll my eyes. I'm really not a depressed person or anything like that, I guess it's just like the things that I now want to embark on ( simple dating ) I should of been experiencing 10 years ago or close to it. I guess I'm just scared of getting hurt, even though I shouldn't be.

Bah, I can be such a fool sometimes. :^:

Gale02
01-02-2008, 04:08 AM
It's ok to be scared of getting hurt, just don't let it run your life. I agree with what the others have said. Take small steps out of your comfort zone, give someone the benefit of the doubt, and above all realize that you are worth loving! You're worth spending time with and getting to know. Don't let fear define who you are, when you look back 30 or 40 years from now be able to say "I was scared, I was terrified... but I did it anyway!!" You can do it. :)

Smiling_Sara
01-02-2008, 10:35 AM
It's ok to be scared of getting hurt, just don't let it run your life. I agree with what the others have said. Take small steps out of your comfort zone, give someone the benefit of the doubt, and above all realize that you are worth loving! You're worth spending time with and getting to know. Don't let fear define who you are, when you look back 30 or 40 years from now be able to say "I was scared, I was terrified... but I did it anyway!!" You can do it. :)

I know I know, and I want to get out there so bad. and I'll even pump and talk myself up into saying things like, ok, today I'm gonna contact that guy I thought was kinda cute, or ok, today I'm gonna call that hottie who gave me his phone number 3 times and wants me to call him. and then I just don't. I think maybe I'm afraid of how I'll act around someone new bc I"m so inexperienced in this kind of stuff and think ppl will end up laughing at me ( even though in reality I don't believe normal ppl would do that )

Maybe today I will concur this. I have the day off and nothing pressing to do, so I will try. I did tweak my profile on the dating site I am on last night and really tried to make it a little more interesting, so that is a start.

belleamiee
01-02-2008, 02:51 PM
Born 2 Fly--

Its all about the confidence. I realized that when I was in college. and I was about 215 then. I would walk into the bar and say in my head..I am the hottest girl in the room. And then I would look around and find who I thought guys would think was the hottest girl in the room walk right up and stand next to her and order a drink LMAO. You have no idea how much that worked!

I have had a string of relationships in my 20s. And none of them were right and I think thats because I wasn't right yet...I am still working on it. I used to think that losing weight or having a relationship would fill that something. But it never did. I think the best relationship comes across our path when we are ready and have the ability to be selfless with another and love ourselves. Get naked. Stand in a mirror and hug yourself. If we were in the 1500's we'd be the HOTTEST girls. LOL its all relative.

I have to admit I am having a downer of a day today..because it never gets any easier-- thats life. But with age you know when you are in the good moments and can appreciate them more!!!

And from the girl who was the firend of the guys to another-- it will help out in life. Relating to men..is what has made me successful in my career.

Focus on what you have-- and what you don't have will come your way too!!!

You know we started a 30 singles group in the 30 somethings and this is some of the stuff we are talking about. You should drop in.

:)
Amy

math puppy
01-05-2008, 05:58 AM
some of the best things in life, are worth going outside and risking getting a broken heart over.

Smiling_Sara
01-05-2008, 06:40 PM
OMG BornToFly - can we be friends? Actually, that's probably a bad idea cuz neither of us would ever get out and date! LOL

I'm 28 and used to date a lot, but as I've gotten older (and heavier) my confidence and comfort in dating has plummeted. I recently decided to be proactive about getting into the dating scene and letting my friends know that I'm back on the market, and I think this has helped. I have had a few terrible dates, but that's just part of the process, and the more I get out there and feel things out the more I realize that its not other people who are looking at me funny - its me!

So juice up your online dating profiles (definitely try more than one site) and try to get the word out - you never know if a friend might know someone who you can get to know gradually without a lot of pressure that comes along with going on a "first date," you know?

On the flip side of that, it might help if you don't look at it like you're in your last year of your 20s - You're still young and hot! If it takes a while, just let it be. The more you worry about it (and I speak for experience), the more you're let yourself get discouraged and then you'll be in the last year of your 30s saying the same thing! :D

Good luck! (That seems to be my phrase for the day.)

lol, of course we can be friends. we could try and convince each other to get out more.

In high school, I wouldn't say I actually "dated" I never was without a date to dances and stuff like that, but once I graduated and opted not to on to college I went straight to work and therefor lost contact with a lot of my friends and such. I almost can't believe it's been 10 years since HS and I haven't had a boyfriend! My sister set me up with someone she knew in Nov 2006 and we went out to dinner and went bowling as a dbl date and I think we were both so incredibly nervous and we never spoke after that night. I just wish I could get past the feeling of being terrified. I keep thinking will a guy even want to date someone who has never really dated? Should I tell them that? etc

One thing I have done is gotten the word out, I'm really close with my cousins and friends that are my age and I have told them that I am looking and to keep their eyes open for me. I think it would be easier if I knew someone else I trusted knew them. ( if that makes sense )

Smiling_Sara
01-05-2008, 06:47 PM
Born 2 Fly--

Its all about the confidence. I realized that when I was in college. and I was about 215 then. I would walk into the bar and say in my head..I am the hottest girl in the room. And then I would look around and find who I thought guys would think was the hottest girl in the room walk right up and stand next to her and order a drink LMAO. You have no idea how much that worked!

I have had a string of relationships in my 20s. And none of them were right and I think thats because I wasn't right yet...I am still working on it. I used to think that losing weight or having a relationship would fill that something. But it never did. I think the best relationship comes across our path when we are ready and have the ability to be selfless with another and love ourselves. Get naked. Stand in a mirror and hug yourself. If we were in the 1500's we'd be the HOTTEST girls. LOL its all relative.

I have to admit I am having a downer of a day today..because it never gets any easier-- thats life. But with age you know when you are in the good moments and can appreciate them more!!!

And from the girl who was the firend of the guys to another-- it will help out in life. Relating to men..is what has made me successful in my career.

Focus on what you have-- and what you don't have will come your way too!!!

You know we started a 30 singles group in the 30 somethings and this is some of the stuff we are talking about. You should drop in.

:)
Amy

You know, I often think if I would of went on to college if things might of turned out differently. But since I didn't here is where I am. Oh, and I'm also so not the bar type. I wish I was bc you can meet so many cool ppl that way, but I just feel uncomfortable in them, and I think it steams from the few times I have gone I have guys I have never met coming up to me sluring their words trying to hit on me. I'm always like, ok, you can get away from me now. lol

I feel like I can relate to men very well, I can carry on a conversation about sports like no other girl I know. and usually guys are always saying things like " wow, you're awesome, I can't believe you're single. you know so much about sports, you are so fun to be around, etc" yet they don't ask me out!! lol

Thanks for the 30's single group info, I'm sure I will stop by. :)

lola06
01-05-2008, 08:21 PM
Borntofly, I really do wish you much success. It's really not easy. Sometimes it seems like relationships are just easier for some people than others, no matter how hard you try. I'm 28, and I've dated, but haven't really been in what I consider to be a serious relationship.

I think you've gotten some good suggestions, so good luck.

The one thing I never understood is this idea of "appearing desperate"??? I mean if you are desperate, then what? Are you destined to be alone for the rest of your life. It seems to me that after years of being ignored by men and having your friends "picked" over you, can really wear on you after a while, incrementally chipping away at your self-esteem. Which in turn creates a situation in which you feel "desperate" that you will never find someone. And yet, you can't show it. You can't honestly express that you are in fact alone. But society somehow expects you to give off the vibe of being confident and not desperation. I just don't get it.

I don't mean to be negative. It's challenging, what can I say?

Rizeninme
01-05-2008, 11:07 PM
BornToFly-

I know it's hard to hear, but you just need to be patient!!!

I believe with all my heart that there is someone out there for everyone- I have known plenty of heavy girls that found true love- myself included. I was 275 pounds on my wedding day- (not something that I'm particularly proud of) and I have been blissfully married for eight years now. My husband saw beyond the outer package to my heart and fell in love with me for who I am, not for what I look like.

So, you need to work on accomplishing your dreams now and when the time is right, you will meet that perfect person.

Just remember, looks will come and go- the prettiest girls today can turn into ugly hags later in life, but what remains throughout the years is your true character- beauty comes from within. Some of the prettiest girls I have met had some of the ugliest souls, and some of my dearest friends might not be what our society deems as beautiful, but they have the most beautiful spirits.

valpal23
01-06-2008, 11:53 AM
I'm 29, and have never really dated.

I'm 23 and in pretty much the same situation as you. I thought I'd grow out of whatever is holding me back once I got out of highschool but nothings really changed yet. I dont know if I'll feel the same way if I'm in the same situation when I'm 29 but right now I'd rather just take one day at a time and take advantage of all the time I've got to focus on what I want and appreciate the freedom. :hug: waiting out life isnt the easiest thing but we've still got it pretty good

nelie
01-06-2008, 12:43 PM
I was really in the same boat as you...

I went to college and 'dated' a couple guys. Really it just involved me hanging around guys that really liked me but if they tried to get too close, then I'd dump them. I went out with one guy for 3 months without kissing him, then he tried to kiss me so I dumped him.

After college, I found it hard to meet people and ended up dating a friend at the age of 28. It was hard to start the relationship because uhh it took me months of not getting cues and he had to really put himself out there for me to get it. The relationship lasted a little under a year and after that, I didn't want to really date any more. I ended up going out on a couple dates that just didn't feel right to me.

Then at the age of 30, I started dating another long time friend. Again, it took months of cues from him and really him saying "I think we should date" for me to get it. I was so oblivious :) We ended up dating for a little over a year and then getting married.

Honestly, I never really thought I'd get married because of how I was. I was shy and really wasn't open to other people.

I think you do have to put yourself out there a little bit. Yes, you may get hurt. It happens. It is ok though, you will survive and learn from it. Also, feel free to express your feelings. Tell whoever you are dating that you need to take it slow at first. A lot of things that people seemed to have learned in high school, us shy girls need to learn later on in life and that is ok.

Lyn2007
01-06-2008, 01:22 PM
When I was single, I met most of the men I dated just in the course of real life, and not "looking." I met them at work, at college classes, and at church. I met some at groups I went to (like the Audobon society) or out walking at the park. I think if you are shy and clam up, it is important to get some social practice. The easiest way to do tis is join a club or group. You can look in your local paper or just look online for groups that have the same interests as you have. ALso you can meet people by volunteering at, say, the local hospital, nursing home, or animal shelter. Very good ways to meet NICE people. Focus on making new friends, not on finding a boyfriend. It will give oyu good practice and you will get better and better at relaxing and having conversation in groups or in public.

As for online dating, that doesnt solve your problem of social anxiety, so I would try the groups first. But nothing wrong with online dating if you are CAREFUL. I met my husband online and we lived 2000 miles apart, he moved here to be with me and we have been married almost 3 years.

Good luck :)

Ookpik
01-07-2008, 01:11 AM
I think I am in the same boat as you. I haven't had much experience with men, and I think I have been using my weight as a sort of "armor". I wouldn't even go on dating sites and post a profile because I didn't think I could bear the disappointment a man would inevitably feel once he got a look at me.

Last year, I decided to lose weight for reasons completely unrelated to finding a man, and along with shedding the weight I lost a bit of the shyness and gained some confidence. Eventually I did join a few dating sites and posted pics on them, and have gotten quite a few responses. This was an ego boost if nothing else...the guys all live too far away. I am trying to get used to male attention, by putting myself out there a bit more and meeting new people, flirting a little. I was quite bold (for me) with one guy recently that I was interested in, but it didn't work out, so I decided to just focus on myself and my goals for awhile and forget about men for the time being. But I do feel the "armor" disappearing, bit by bit.