[dancingirl81]

Lately, I've been accused of being a hermit... not leaving my house (or going out by myself to say.... walmart...whoo-hoo...lol) unless someone calls me and begs me to come out for the evening. Anyway, I'm beginning to think that the people that are telling me this are right... and that I need to get out and meet people...

Couple dilemmas... 1) I'm very introverted - meeting people and making friends has never been my strong suit... EVER. I'm just not good at it. I'm fine meeting people through other people, but not on my own... it's scary! 2) I have a limited number of people I can rely on to help me with this task (perhaps two... a lot of my closer friends are now hundreds of miles away... or married with kids) 3) I live in a smaller sub-urban area (I'm actually in a rural area, but within a 15 minute drive of town) where everything shuts down at 10pm on the weekends... unless it's a bar, and that's not really my thing (never mind the calories in alcohol...).

I've been single for 4 years now... I was stuck in an abusive 5 year relationship and it took me months (in therapy) to get out of it... I've only just started to feel like dating again (I've tried it a couple times and just wasn't comfortable... or wasn't interested in the guy). It was verbal and emotional abuse centered around my body... and the idea that he was the only guy that would ever want to be with me (according to him...jerk). Those thoughts, coupled with my innate fear of meeting people has kept me off the beaten path for a while... so, I'm looking for suggestions for keeping my motivation up, in the face of my inner demons. Also, for where these people I should be meeting and hanging out with might be hiding...lol. I'm not really sure where to start...

[Cats tongue]

I have to say. I'm in roughly the same situation. I'm horrible at meeting people. I'm introverted and I just find awkwardness around new people very unbearable.

Meeting guys is hard! Even without having been in the abusive relationship I find it hard. I haven't even been in a relationship with a guy...

Maybe you could find some activities you like to do and find some clubs where you can do them? Meeting people through activities is always good, because then you know you have something in common. Especially if the bar scene isn't your thing... Meeting people through other activities is the best.

Also through friends. I know my crush!boy at the moment I met through friends (we're this group now of nerds who spend friday nights watching movies instead of going to bars. ).

That's about it. I can't say I know anymore than that. I really have very little dating experience myself and I'm struggling with some of the same situations as you.

[shrinkingchica]

Ok, and I make three in our little no guys club.
I just wanted to offer some support and empathy.
But you have been able to strong and self-advocating enough to overcome & get out of that abusive relationship--- you can get "out there" and meet people too.
Bar thing isn't my deal........ church/temple maybe?? "Online" dating (though be careful!).
The best & most practical advice (though in practice maybe not the easiest to implement) is to get involved in something you like to do; volunteering, faith groups, ultimate frisbee--- whatever it is you like and then you know that any guys there will at least have something in common with you-- and the best about being from the same faith community as you is that you might share some of the same core values and beliefs in life...... and if it is a rock climbing club then you are likely to both share an interest in fitness and outdoor activities, etc.
I can't speak from experience--- I never met a guy this way--- but I am with Cat--- never had a real relationship to speak of so....... just ideas!

[iconoclast]

Well, speaking as someone who was awful at dating, even when I was skinny, it wasn't until I really became comfortable with myself and came to enjoy being single that I started meeting the kind of guys I wanted to meet. I suppose people are attracted to ease and confidence. I didn't gain my weight until the second year of college, but even before that I rarely dated because I didn't have confidence in myself. I was pretty much the freaky-smart girl all through high school and some of college, and boys were just mean and awful to me through that, and there are only so many times you can tell yourself it's because you owned them in math. I remember a whole bunch of them making fun of my chest to my face and I cried in the damn school bathroom for an hour!

But now I'm dating like crazy. I still can't even believe it. I think to some extent it's the fact that I'm out of school, as a lot of college-age men are still horrifically immature compared to the men I'm meeting in a professional setting, but I think it's also that I've learned to love myself. I've taken up distance running again, I like my career, and I'm generally happy even though I'm single. And it's suddenly an awesome feeling to realize that a lot of guys really aren't good enough for me. It's like shopping! And, for more practical advice, I've gone out with three guys from my gym, so maybe a good gym is your meeting-people solution!

[LittleMissMotivation]

I know it's easier said than done, but having been in the same situation myself, the best advice is not to worry too much about it.

I met my husband on MySpace (I was really shy, hermit-like and didn't get out much), and it was really just pure, dumb luck. The first three times we met I was so shy I wouldn't even look him in the face!

Thing is, when I met him I was about 200lbs and he still ended up loving me. He's not a "big" guy at all, and we've been married for about two years now.

There were phases I went through of self-loathing and being emotionally closed-off, and other times I just didn't give a darn.

I know it's really cliche, but you'll meet someone when the time comes. I had actively tried to find a guy in the past before I met DH, with online sites and going on dates, but right before I met him, I had given up. I NEVER expected to meet a guy on MySpace! Sometimes, it just HAPPENS. Putting yourself out there always helps, though. If not for actually finding someone, but for the experience of just getting out and developing your comfort and social skills.

I agree with the other poster about finding someone through activities, but I know that's easier said than done. I was always too shy to go and join something by myself.. Maybe if you have some female friends you could join up together? Things like Habitat for Humanity are great.. Also, probably singles events with your church/temple, etc. also as previously mentioned. There are also business networking events like the Young Professionals societies in some major cities like "Philadelphia Young Professional Society", etc.

I wish you luck, and the point I guess I was trying to make is that you WILL find someone great who loves and appreciates you, and oftentimes when you aren't even looking for it. There really is someone for everyone.. Just look at 400lb women who are happily married, or people with physical disabilities, etc. There will always be people who can see past whatever you THINK is wrong with you. It's definitely not impossible.

Wishing you lots of good karma in the mean-time!