Well, I posted about managing calories on days with parties, dinners, etc. (especially during this holiday season) in calorie counters forum. I also posted in here about holiday drinking. I received great advice all around for both issues. Anyway, I really planned things out and stuck to my decisions. I was so proud of myself. I ate a light breakfast (oatmeal and a banana) and a light lunch (veggie salad), went to the party and really kept to plan. I looked at everything first, made decisions on what to have and the amount. Chose a glass of white wine as part of my caloric intake and even 1/2 a small holiday cookie was within reason. I was so pleased with myself, but didn't want to toot my horn so much so I didn't even post about it. I figured I still have a couple of things to go this season so I would wait and just stay focused without being overly pleased with myself.
Anyway, like I said, things went well. Then, TOM strikes 2 days later. I immediately blow up (which ALWAYS happens) and weigh myself because I can actually see things have grown larger and find I've put on 3 pounds. Now, I actually had weighed myself the day before and was down 1 and that was after the party! Now, on a normal day, without doing anything other than being a woman, I'm up 3. So, I know I should've posted then and there and asked for help, but then I wouldn't be a person with an eating problem! So, what did I do? Well, I'm not keeping snacks in the house (chips and such around me is just asking for a world of trouble so I won't have them around), but I still have food. So, I grabbed a box of breakfast cereal and started making my way through oh, about 1/3 of a box. Then I actually COOKED food in HUGE amounts and just abused myself -- eating everything in sight. Then I went online and looked up websites about people who absolutely hate fat people and read their comments and blogs thinking, yup that's me, I'm disgusting, I'm everything they say. I promised myself when this started that I would no longer punish myself and yet here I am. Will I do this every TOM? I'm so sad right now and had to actually build up courage to admit to all of this because above all, I'm ashamed.
I don't know what I'm looking for here -- someone to yell at me, support me, give me advice? I really don't know. Whatever you have to give, I'll take it. Thanks.
12-19-2007, 09:41 PM
I'm so sorry you chose to hurt yourself over this! :( Next time why don't you try throwing the scale out the door into the backyard and beating it with a club instead? It's only a silly machine!
My weight goes up and down two pounds just in the course of a day... So I really can't let it get to me.
Gosh... it takes effort to do that stuff--preparing food etc. This isn't like automatic pilot eating... Do you remember what you were thinking as you were doing it?
Have you had this problem before around your TOM? If so, you may have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). It's more severe than plain ol' PMS (which is certainly bad enough). Look it up on Wikipedia.com. There are treatments, I think.
Well... try to put it out of your mind. Stay away from the *#^@)* scale for a couple of days, OK? Just get back on your program for now. :hug:
12-19-2007, 10:37 PM
Oh, hon! :hug:
I second the bashing of the scale with a baseball bat. And also, the checking in with your doctor about PMDD - that is some pretty extreme hormonal swinging.
And if it makes you feel better, this morning I woke up and had gained 8 lbs overnight. EIGHT. And you know what? I know what caused it (sodium plus alcohol = water retention), I know that the vast majority is going to fall right back off again, and I know that panicking over it isn't going to make it go away and may push me into undesireable food behaviors, so even though it is disappointing, I try very hard to let it go. Drink lots of water, eat as clean as you can, deep breathe, and stay off the scale for a few days.
12-19-2007, 10:41 PM
I don't know what "fat people hating website" you were looking at. but some of those people are really sick. I think you should not be looking at that stuff. It is like a minority person looking at a website that is based on hatred of their race - I don't know if that's very clear :lol:. I am not saying that we should be in denial about hatred in the world, but I don't think you are in denial. You can punish yourself just fine without their help.
Would you be able to resist weighing yourself next month when you "blow up"?
I am sensing that you might be an "all or nothing" type person. Been there done that, but it really does help to let up on yourself a little. This incident does not mean that you are doomed. Just get back on the horse that threw you, so to speak.
I read your original post and your plan sounded good. Sometimes things just don't go the way we want them to.
12-19-2007, 11:24 PM
Ready, I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time, especially after an evening of such virtue! Congrats on managing yourself so well at the party!
I won't tackle your bigger problems, but I thought I should tell you that I NEVER weigh while I have my period. I weigh on Fridays and if it's the first couple of days of my period, I just stay away from the scale. Anything the scale tells me then has, a. nothing to do with the amount of fat on my body, and, b. can feed into other undesirable period + food related problems. So I just skip it and try to deal with the cravings and *****iness and hormones WITHOUT the added pressure of bad news from the scale.
Just remember: if the scale goes up during your TOM, it is not FAT. It is water retention. Water retention, not fat. Water retention, not fat. Only fat is a problem. Really.
12-20-2007, 01:22 AM
Thanks, everyone :) I think the PMDD thing (I looked it up) may be a possibility and I'm definitely going to check with my doctor. I don't want this to be my life every month! If it's not, then I guess I'm going to have to figure out a way to come to terms with a monthly setback -- although I don't see how I can right now... although not getting on the scale sounds like a good start!
My mother also recently called me fat (well, surrounded by some other words that I won't repeat here) because on the day I'm supposed to have Christmas with them (and my brother, etc.) she wanted to ask some friends over, but would be too embarrassed because I'd be there. Nice, right? Anyway, I think that was on my mind as well. Well, how could it not be? And, no, I can't talk to her about it. Ever since I've gained weight she looks at me like she wants to vomit, hits my stomach and calls me names. She's one of those people who thinks that's helping. I usually just try to avoid her and not see her too often.
You're right about cooking food being a thoughtful process. I was thinking the whole time "I am disgusting and a pig and deserve to be a disgusting pig." Things along those lines. The same thoughts that drove me to those despicable websites.
I need to remind myself to come on here or knit or just DO something when things like this happen or I'm tempted to go in that direction again, but it's so hard when you're in the middle of it. I think right now I need to figure out what to do for next time before it happens and go to the doctor to see if it's something more than regular PMS -- maybe there's something to take for it.
Thanks everyone :)
12-20-2007, 01:28 AM
Ready4AChange - there are ABSOLUTELY treatments for PMDD. They pretty much consist of low dose antidepressants or birth control/hormonal therapies. It is definitely something to investigate! You do NOT want to be in this same spot every month.
You are NOT defined by the scale, hon. You are making fabulous, incredible healthy life changes, and for a few days, the scale isn't going to reflect that. See signature - it DEFINITELY isn't the most accurate...just the most convenient. And for the record, you're not defined by your mom, her friends, or anyone else...period.
12-20-2007, 07:40 AM
Wow, Ready, your mother is a piece of work! :(
If I were in your position I would call her and say in a calm way that I would not be coming on Christmas since she finds me so disgusting, and therefore she can invite her friends. And then I would hang up without further comment and not take her calls. I'm sorry that she's your mother--and I can't think of another way to get the point across to her.
Do check out the PMDD. That condition can make women go to extremes that they would never consider otherwise.
Stay with your plan... you're OK... stay away from self abuse... I'm afraid you learned some bad habits from your mom.
12-20-2007, 10:39 AM
Gosh, Ready, it sounds like you need to stay away from your mother. Find things to do that make you feel good about yourself. I know, that's easy for me to say....but you can do it!
12-20-2007, 10:59 AM
Readyforchange...i'm sorry that your TOM bloat upset you so much. I usually gain about 5 pounds during my TOM. It is perfectly normal. I see it in my minds eye as my body holding onto the water i drink to help swoosh away the stuff that is leaving my body during TOM. I suppose if i didn't "gain" during that time, I'd view it as my body not reacting in a healthy way. So, just try to remember during that time...that it is a very healthy thing for your body to retain fluids. And that is what it is...as long as you don't spend those few days pigging out because of it.
I'm sorry about your mother. I have a young daughter who is getting a big on the heavy side and i always try to be sure i don't make bad comments when her clothes are too tight to wear. She's 8 and i'm having to go out and get 8 1/2's or 8plus for her to fit in the waist. But i try very hard to not make her feel bad about what she eats or what size she wears or how "big" she is getting. And when her grandmother on her dads side tells her she needs to go on a diet, i tell her to not listen to her. That my daughter is a beautiful girl on the inside and the outside. I make sure i think she is beautiful and has a great personality and is funny and sweet and kind. She has a wonderful heart and cares about other people and that those are the things that define her. And you need to remember that too. Your weight does not determine what kind of a person you are. I did not lose weight because i felt like people were judging me based on my size. I did it because i was not happy being overweight. I don't let me size now decide who i am. I may be a little more self-assured now,but it hasn't changed my personality or who i am.
I am sending you best wishes on your journey and much support. We are here when you need us. Never be ashamed or embarressed to post a question or when you are having a hard time. We are here to help and support and encourage.
12-20-2007, 12:11 PM
I hear ya, I had 3 holiday events & TTOM last week too & was up 5 pounds. But since I stuck to my gym routine & planned/accounted for the indulgences, I've already lost 4 of those pounds. As people have posted it's mostly the water retention from the menstrual cycle, sodium in the food and the alcohol. As long as you don't make a habit of it, the weight will leave when the extra water leaves your body.
Now for some coping methods:
1) I get flustered by the scale too. So, I either don't go near it during TTOM (if I think it's going to set me off on a binge) or I weigh in, but keep in mind it's TTOM.
2) Mild indulgence. Chips & chocolate are a trigger for me, so I don't keep them in my home. But I will allow myself an occasional candy bar or small (1 serving) bag of chips to satisfy PMS cravings. That will often satisfy them & prevent a larger, longer binge on something else.
3) If for some reason, one aspect of your routine is changed, keep up with the other. Can't exercise because of a crazy schedule? Stick to the food. Overdo it on the food, stick to the exercise.
4) Don't beat yourself up. Ever hear the saying progress, not perfection? Make it your mantra.
5) Don't go to those sites. That's not going to do you any good. Come here or go for a walk or listen to some music or watch some tv.
Edited to say, yikes!!!! I just read the part about your mom!!! Anyway you can spend Christmas somewhere else? My mom's not as bad, but can be very critical and say a lot of hurtful things. And she gets insulted if you say anything about it. So what I do is I promise myself a non food treat for staying calm when she makes those comments. After my last visit I went on an Origins spree (I love their bath/shower products) :) It sounds like that binge may have been in response to her behavior and exacerbated by PMS.
12-21-2007, 10:13 PM
Thanks, everyone :) It's good to know I have a place to come that offers support and advice -- I sure can use it! I'm still going to spend Christmas with the family. I've decided I'm not going to let my mothers comments stop me from enjoying time with my family for the holidays!
Oh, and mandalinn, I'm going to write down the quote from your signature and tape it to my scale!
12-22-2007, 02:35 AM
Thats a REALLY good idea - I need to tape it to MINE! Sometimes its so easy to get caught up on the scale, but even doing GOOD things for your body can make the scale mad...like big LB lifting sessions. If you're sore, your muscles have extra water and you GAIN weight! Doesn't mean you did a bad thing!
12-22-2007, 08:39 PM
I can't believe everything that is on the internet! "fat-people haters" what???? People are horrible!:mad::mad::mad: