On another thread called "How to heal a broken body image", I made a post slightly off topic, and thought to raise it here in a new thread. It was in a reply to a quote: I read an article about this the other day ......This lady swears that what made a difference for her (weightloss) was "lotion therapy".... She said that being that "intimate" and caring with her body, even though she was rather unhappy with its shape, made her come to value it more, which led to her wanting to treat it better, and take care of it.
I think about how those times I've lost weight, what was going on other than the weightloss. Often times it's been a new love relationship, which usually involves LOTS of attention to one's body in a very pleasurable , sensual, and intimate way >> into Total Body Self Awareness. I think about how the status of my 'intimate' relationship with my parter these days is very stale in comparison to what it once was -- and, is that "the chicken or the egg" to my condition of being uncomfortably overweight? Either way, I blame my weight. But in order to change it, it's difficult to be motivated inside when there's no outside fire going on. So, next option : I think about innocent little crushes I get from time to time, totally fantasy based, just to get motivated, but then I realize they're only crushes, never to be acted on, and then I lose motivation. I hate the fact that I project my Self Love onto others that way, but it must be just human nature.
I know that in my most fit years (about 10 years ago) I had several crushes sizzling on the burner (when I was single), and those crushes pushed me to ride harder and harder up the hills, and I seemed to enjoy a lot of success as a result. But now it's a totally different life I live...inertia at it's most stagnant. I know those crushes have been the push to get the ball rolling before, but I just don't know about it anymore.
Iit's not always easy learning to be self loving, and create a fire in ones
life, entirely from within. Not easy at all. But necessary. I sometimes think it's okay to dream up crushes on somebody I know I'll never really get to know, but with whom my life crosses paths with, so I can gauge my progress on their response to seeing me looking more and more attractive as I lose weight. Just a glance, a moment of giddiness, those innocent little things we pick up, that let us know we have affect on others.
How about you?
12-11-2007, 05:08 PM
Being married for 12 years my husband has seen my body in all shapes and forms and "looking good" for him is just not a great motivator knowing that he has seen it all. However, I do find that from time to time when I start to lose motivation that I will think about an old flame and think how I would feel if they saw me this way, you know? I also remind myself of the few times I have seen them in the last few years, once when I looked good (I had lost 80 lbs before my last pregnancy), when I looked them strait in the eye proud, and many more times when I was very out of shape when I ran and hid. Although I may never see them again, the possibilty keeps me motivated.
12-11-2007, 05:29 PM
Well... lessee... I am fortunate in that I have not lacked for romance in my life at any size. As a result, I haven't thought along the lines of "Oh, I have a crush, I need to look good... feel good... get fit..."
I think if it helps you to lose weight, it's a good thing--but the other side of that is just what you're describing: a loss of interest unless there is some outside stimulation or "fire" going on.
The motivation and the commitment has to come from within and be focused on oneself, I think... not on others. Others will come and go... things will change... So for me, it's better to focus on my goals for health and fitness, rather than on attractiveness.
I think the poster you quoted was saying that it's helpful to lavish some caring attention on one's body, regardless of presence of absence of relationships or potential ones, and regardless of how one feels about the body.
12-11-2007, 05:59 PM
Truth be told, the last time I lost a significant amount of weight it was to catch a guy's attention. I had a huge crush but knew that he viewed me as a friend and not in a sexual way at all. I skinnied up, he noticed, and we're living happily ever after together. However I did, of course, gain all the weight back once I got the guy and in addition struggled for awhile with whether he would feel the same about me if I were fat. Luckily for me the weight didn't make any difference in his feelings.
It's not easy to always keep the motivation going and it is easier to have an outside interest to keep you interested. But I just don't think it is a longterm solution. It's a cliche, but you've got to lose the weight for yourself and not for the comments and the compliments.
Any chance you could turn all that creativity towards your current relationship? Compliments from somebody you love mean a lot more than ones from virtual strangers.
12-11-2007, 06:20 PM
I have, I think I just look better in general when I'm "in like" with someone. But truth be told, it's awful when my heart gets broken ( which is always ) in the past it's gone the total opposite, where I will eat everything in sight. :(
12-11-2007, 06:56 PM
I have to say the motivation to be thin and healthy is really coming from inside. Of course a little bit of outside motivation isn't always bad, as long as in the long run this is something you want to do for yourself.
That said, I do find that having a crush helps keep me distracted and happy. I'm a crush sort of person, and i like to daydream from time to time. I find having no one to think about I sometimes think about food/exercising/dieting too much and in fact obsess over that.
12-12-2007, 10:10 AM
Okay, here's the flipside of all of that: What about when one is afraid of looking their best, because that might stir up emotions/flirting on the outside of the marriage, and complicate things, thus, is potentially detrimental to HappyCozyLittleMarriedLife. In total agreement with the wiser comments of this thread, I know , of course, that in both case situations, the ultimate is to have power over impulses regarding attention from outside men/women, but that isn't alwyas easy when intimacy has long since gotten luke warm , even cold, in ones' own marriage.
Now personally, I am a woman who does not flaunt my sexuality. I wear no makeup in my everyday life (do when I dress up, once in a blue moon) and very practical clothes and don't dye my hair, and really, am pretty plain in many ways, so it's not as if I am provoking in any way. But, frankly, I am scared at what might happen with some of the men I cross paths with on a regular basis once I get sleek and sexy on the inside, because I feel & look so vibrant, and appealing on the outside. I know that sounds like a complete narcisistic thing to say, but it's a valid anxiety. I wonder sometimes, if that's why I choose to be fat. They say emotions are the root of our physical manifest, and I believe that, so, these quirky feelings are often what shapes us, literally.
12-12-2007, 10:57 AM
I never had crushes while fat. When I blew up, I was already with someone for over a year - we met when I was thin ;). She actually found me just as attractive with the extra weight as she did before. Love can blind people, I think, because she had no idea how much weight I really gained. My motivation was just that I was tired of being insecure, reclusive, self-loathing, and unhealthy. I hated the way I looked at my HW, but I had no one to impress but myself.
I'm not entirely sure if a crush would even motivate me to lose weight. If I was afraid that someone was not into me (at any size), I would not be very inclined to lose weight just to get him or her to notice me.
Hermit Girl, out of curiousity, why do you fear men finding you sexy?
12-12-2007, 11:24 AM
NShane ~ not sure. Freudian, perhaps. I fear perhaps losing control of myself, as I'm in a loyal relationship finally, after a decade of playing around, and just don't want to sabotage anything. My guess. The odd thing is, I really want (or think I want) my SignificantOther to show more interest in me, as he use to when we met (13 years ago)... but I wouldn't mind an occasional compliment fromt the Outside as well . (I *use* to have plenty of those, and I miss 'em).
I know once I lose even 20 pounds, and feel better about myself physically, that the above mentioned physical attributes will make me a more attractive FEELING person, and things will no doubt heat up (again) in my CozyLittleMarriage. IT's always from the inside out. At this weight I can't even feel remotely sexy. 20 pounds off, maybe a little bit again. Like you NShane, when you were overweight, at this time I don't really find it in me to genuinely have the crushes, as I don't even want to be seen. When I'm thinner, it will become more prominant, because I am just born to be interactive and approval seeking, and crushes just feel like they're a part of me. I guess that's the part that is the complication that come with being sleek.
12-12-2007, 11:34 AM
I think you're worrying too far into the future. Focus on losing the next pound, not on how many folks will hit on your when you're thin again. ;)
12-13-2007, 07:39 AM
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE having crushes. They arent WHY I wanna lose weight, they are just quick and easy motivation. I have many reasons to lose weight, all vaild and healthy, but for some reason, thinking about someone else REALLY gets my *** moving while I work out. Most of the benefits of weightloss and fitness really come after years of exersizing and eating right. And they are all great, but really having a really tight butt isnt gonna make you live longer. A crush just gives me an extra push while I work out. As in, ''ooh, gonna see him on Friday, really work those abs tonight." Of course I like looking my best, but I'm not really someone who REALLY REALLY wants to look extra hot. I mean, it's gonna do nothing for me, the woman, the soul, the brain... so for ME, having a REALLY hot body isnt gonna make me happy and therefor it isnt a reason for me to stand up. A crush is something fun and exciting, and looking my best, is part of the game. So, for me, its the extra help I need to look like a knockout.