100 lb. Club - People commenting on your size




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jtammy
12-08-2007, 05:27 PM
I'm not sure where to post this. I think others who have lost or need to lose 100 lbs or more will understand this.

I suppose this is more of a rant than anything, but something has finally rubbed me the wrong way after occurring several times. This morning, my hairdresser commented on how much weight I had lost. Okay no problem there. Then she asked me what size I was wearing. Iíve known her for years and weíre friendly so I donít mind telling her. Before I could answer, she asked 12-14. I said that actually, yes I was wearing size 12 pants and size 10/12 shirts. I laughed and said something like good guess. She commented that she recognized it because it was her size. Then she admitted that actually it wasnít her size anymore, she was wearing size 16s now. What irritated me was when she said ďI canít believe youíre smaller than me nowĒ. As if that couldnít actually happenÖ.. Well I suspect if she were really honest, Iíve worn smaller than her for the last year, but whatever.

However, this is the third person that has made a comment like that in the last 2 -3 months. The other person was a very good friend who happened to buy the exact same jacket that I did; only I bought it in a smaller size. Yes, I admit that I had noticed hers was a larger size (Our coats were hanging on the same shelf and I guess we both noticed when we were searching for our own coat.), but I didnít intend to mention anything. But she did later mention. Something along the lines of ďI have got to lose some weight, I noticed that your jacket was a smaller sizeĒ. It kind of threw me, but I had suspected for a while that I would wear a smaller top than she did, but it didnít really matter, weíre built quite differently, and since Iíve known her, Iíve always been larger.

The third comment was from a co-worker who has been extremely complimentary about my weight loss and ďdedicationĒ. I didnít really pay any attention to it at the time, but as it continues to occur with more people, I remembered she had commented on the fact that Iím smaller than her now too.

With all three of these people, I know that I am smaller than each of them. Even with the body image issues I have, I can tell that I am wearing smaller sizes than them. Of course, I have worked my tail off to get here, and I realize that I still want and need to lose weight, I'm not at my goal yet.

Why am I writing this? Why is it even bothering me? Iím not sure, but I guess it is just frustrating that people assume I will always be bigger than they are. For some people, I think they may have an actually ďimageĒ in their head of how they are supposed to look, and it is always smaller than me. I guess I was the fattest person they ever knew. It's just frustrating!:mad:

Can others relate? If so how do you keep it from bothering you? Maybe a need a snappy comment to hang on to next time it happens. :shrug:


witchyonadiet
12-08-2007, 05:33 PM
This is kind of similar to experiences I have had. There are some people who will flat out not talk to me or be less than cordial to me now that I have lost so much weight. I truly believe that when you are way overweight - and insecure and carry yourself that way - some people feed off of that because it makes them feel superior - like the "pretty one" in a group and that they are stronger than you. When you lose weight and become more confident it changes the whole dynamic and some feel threatened or even jealous. It is ridiculous at best - if I know someone who has done something positive for themselves I congratulate them - not envy them.

If someone asks about your size just politely say "I am not comfortable discussing that" or something similar and don't let it get to you.

CONGRATULATIONS on your amazing weight loss and journey !!!!!!!!

Schmoodle
12-08-2007, 06:03 PM
I haven't had that exact experience, but maybe the reverse. I have a friend who I've know since middle school and we've always been about the same size. I had a head start on getting so fat though, because I started having my kids earlier than she did. Anyway, now I am several sizes smaller than her and it is awkward. I know she's happy for me and doesn't resent it at all, but I feel funny. I go out of my way to avoid mentioning sizes. We are always letting each other know when we hit a good sale and we frequently place orders together to save shipping costs, and so clothing and sizes does come up in conversation periodically. I think for most of our friends and relations, it's just a matter of adjusting to our new size. We do have an image in our minds of who somebody is and looks are a part of that. I think it takes some time for our mental image to catch up to reality when there are changes. And that's true for my own mental image of myself too. And even as one of the fatter people around, I frequently found myself looking at a large person and trying to figure out if I was larger or smaller than they were. It wasn't badly intended or anything, I think more of just trying to figure out exactly what I looked like.


Purplefirefly
12-08-2007, 06:05 PM
I have not been in your situation, but I think you should hold your head high and know that you have gone from the person they thought was "under" them to someone who surpasses them. If that makes them a little insecure about their own weight and gets them hitting the gym...then you have done a positive thing for them.

You have come such a long, hard way, and you should not let their comments get you down. Just smile and move on, knowing you are a better you and that is all that matters. Women compare sizes and bodies, it's just a woman way I guess, and now you are on the smaller side of things...enjoy that! You deserve to be the smaller one for once...you have EARNED it.

I don't know that I would give them a snappy comment, esp. friends who are close to you. I would just recognize the insecurity you might have caused within them and maybe say something along the lines of "yes I'm smaller, but I sure have worked hard for it." Just something that reminds them that you didn't drop weight to out do them, you did it for your own health and you WORKED for it. Nothing to get snappy and ruin a friendship over though, ya know?

Some of the comments you noted just sound like they are realizing in that moment that you are smaller than them...I don't see how that is negative against you. For example with the coat sizes, she probably just noticed it as you did and realized she needed to get her butt in gear maybe. I don't think I would have taken that as a stab at you...you should have felt proud at that. Maybe it's too easy to be sensitive about weight comments because of the weight you started and the hard journey you have gone through? :hug: be proud, you have come such a long, long way.

Heather
12-08-2007, 06:15 PM
Tammy -- I haven't had people comment like that, but I HAVE noticed that I am smaller than many people now.

I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I am quite a bit smaller than many people I was so much bigger than before. I guess they get taken by surprise too, sometimes!

Robin41
12-08-2007, 06:15 PM
I have had this exact situation several times lately. I really think that there are a lot of people who feel they are better than you just because they are the thinner friend. Like it gives them a moral superiority of some kind. When you get down to it, it's really just plain rudeness whether it's a friend or not.

Here's my snappy response, and yes I have actually used it, "Yeh, it must suck being the fat one now." I generally get a rather shocked look in return but I think it makes them realize what they just said.

I don't tend to take a lot of crap from people. :)

CountingDown
12-08-2007, 07:21 PM
I find that many people use the "at least I'm not as fat as" rationalization for justifying their own eating and exercise habits. In fact, if I am honest, I have done so myself. At 200+ lbs. I often looked around the room in social situations to see if I was the biggest person in the room. If I wasn't, I felt better. Lame - I know.
So, when people have seen YOU as that "fatter" person, and they have that rude awakening moment that THEY are now the fatter person, it comes as quite a shock. However, that does not justify their rude behavior, or excuse it.

OptimistK
12-08-2007, 08:16 PM
Here's my snappy response, and yes I have actually used it, "Yeh, it must suck being the fat one now." I generally get a rather shocked look in return but I think it makes them realize what they just said.

I don't tend to take a lot of crap from people. :)

Robin, I love it!!! I had a similar occurence, where a friend said, "There sure is a lot less of you now" followed by a, "I really have got to lose weight now" comment. What the crap is that??? Rudeness indeed.

Why is weight such a touchy subject???

KO
12-08-2007, 08:29 PM
I get that a lot! there were a bunch of people who hadn't seen me since last year so I get the "You Look Great. . .I have to lose weight"
I think seeing someone who's accomplished it stirs up so much insecurity
Take heart in your own achievement!

Trazey34
12-08-2007, 10:22 PM
I have had this exact situation several times lately. I really think that there are a lot of people who feel they are better than you just because they are the thinner friend. Like it gives them a moral superiority of some kind. When you get down to it, it's really just plain rudeness whether it's a friend or not.

Here's my snappy response, and yes I have actually used it, "Yeh, it must suck being the fat one now." I generally get a rather shocked look in return but I think it makes them realize what they just said.

I don't tend to take a lot of crap from people. :)


hahahha LOVE IT!!! right on!!!!

ps. my medium-sized friend recently put on about 10 lbs., and lamenting that she's fat as a pig now (about 100 LESS than I am btw) and she says "oh my god i'm soooooooooooo fat.... I'LL BE YOUR SIZE SOON"

OptimistK
12-08-2007, 10:24 PM
ps. my medium-sized friend recently put on about 10 lbs., and lamenting that she's fat as a pig now (about 100 LESS than I am btw) and she says "oh my god i'm soooooooooooo fat.... I'LL BE YOUR SIZE SOON"

Did she really say that Trazey??? I just can't believe it!

CountingDown
12-08-2007, 10:27 PM
ps. my medium-sized friend recently put on about 10 lbs., and lamenting that she's fat as a pig now (about 100 LESS than I am btw) and she says "oh my god i'm soooooooooooo fat.... I'LL BE YOUR SIZE SOON"

Now THAT is rude!

JayEll
12-08-2007, 10:30 PM
Here's my snappy response, and yes I have actually used it, "Yeh, it must suck being the fat one now." I generally get a rather shocked look in return but I think it makes them realize what they just said.

I don't tend to take a lot of crap from people.

:( Gosh, I'm sorry, but that just seems so mean to me. No wonder they looked shocked.

Jay

sidhe
12-08-2007, 10:37 PM
hahahha LOVE IT!!! right on!!!!

ps. my medium-sized friend recently put on about 10 lbs., and lamenting that she's fat as a pig now (about 100 LESS than I am btw) and she says "oh my god i'm soooooooooooo fat.... I'LL BE YOUR SIZE SOON"

WHAT????

"Yeah, it's a pity you don't have the character to handle it."

kasmin
12-09-2007, 12:07 AM
I think for a lot of these friends they may not even realize how rude they are being at the time (although Trazey, your friend really takes the cake. It's hard to see how she could have made that comment:o). I'm sure if it were pointed out to them, they would be abashed at their unthinkingness. And also, anytime someone makes a big change, don't you find that your yourself are impelled to think of changes you can make? I think their comments are more coming from that. It's a testimony on how far you've come and how great you look:dancer:. And because they know you, it now seems much easier for them to be able to do the same thing (of course not realizing all the internal changes that go along with it). Anyways we should all be proud of the changes we have accomplished thus far, and considering what we already have had to deal with to get to this point, these comments are pretty minor in the big picture, don't you think?:^:

Dawn2Dusk
12-09-2007, 12:26 AM
I've been on the other side of this, actually. This makes me look like a really bad person but I feel I should be honest.

Back in the good old days where all I needed was to lose 20 or 30 or 40 pounds, that's exactly how I used to make myself feel better. I knew I needed to lose weight before it got out of control as it has now. But I never really did anything about it. I'd just say to myself, "I'll get to it. Eventually." And what kept me from getting started with my weight loss was me comparing myself to everyone. I would think, "Well, I'm not as heavy as that other girl there so I guess it's fine." I'd even ask my best friend to compare me with another girl who looked to be my weight. I'd ask, "Be honest. Who do you think is bigger? Me or her?"

As bad as that sounds, maybe the people who say that you're smaller now than they are initially thought the same thing. Maybe they were aware that they needed to lose weight but as long as they were smaller than some people, it was okay. If they are like how I used to be, it's really nothing but insecurity.

jtammy
12-09-2007, 12:32 AM
Thanks guys. I donít know why I let this bother me so much today. Iíve tried to let go of my frustration over this today.


I truly believe that when you are way overweight - and insecure and carry yourself that way - some people feed off of that because it makes them feel superior - like the "pretty one" in a group and that they are stronger than you. When you lose weight and become more confident it changes the whole dynamic and some feel threatened or even jealous. If someone asks about your size just politely say "I am not comfortable discussing that" or something similar and don't let it get to you.


Witchy, Youíre so right that the dynamics change when you lose weight. I have seen that happen in a couple of groups I'm in. Actually, I donít particularly mind talking about what size I am, but not talking about it would avoid the comparison that we tend to do in our mind when that kind of talk comes up.


I haven't had that exact experience, but maybe the reverse. I have a friend who I've know since middle school and we've always been about the same size. I had a head start on getting so fat though, because I started having my kids earlier than she did. Anyway, now I am several sizes smaller than her and it is awkward. I know she's happy for me and doesn't resent it at all, but I feel funny. I go out of my way to avoid mentioning sizes. We are always letting each other know when we hit a good sale and we frequently place orders together to save shipping costs, and so clothing and sizes does come up in conversation periodically. I think for most of our friends and relations, it's just a matter of adjusting to our new size. We do have an image in our minds of who somebody is and looks are a part of that. I think it takes some time for our mental image to catch up to reality when there are changes. And that's true for my own mental image of myself too. And even as one of the fatter people around, I frequently found myself looking at a large person and trying to figure out if I was larger or smaller than they were. It wasn't badly intended or anything, I think more of just trying to figure out exactly what I looked like.

Schmoodle, Iím in similar relationship to you and your friend with my sister. She had gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago, lost about 100 lbs, then started gaining most of it back. I donít ever bring up clothing sizes or weight loss with her. Like you, I know that sheís happy for me, but I feel funny talking about it with her. And I do what you do, and try to decide if Iím larger or smaller than people. Youíre right, it isnít badly intentioned, itís more a matter of trying to decide what I look like.


I don't know that I would give them a snappy comment, esp. friends who are close to you. I would just recognize the insecurity you might have caused within them and maybe say something along the lines of "yes I'm smaller, but I sure have worked hard for it." Just something that reminds them that you didn't drop weight to out do them, you did it for your own health and you WORKED for it. Nothing to get snappy and ruin a friendship over though, ya know?

Some of the comments you noted just sound like they are realizing in that moment that you are smaller than them...I don't see how that is negative against you. For example with the coat sizes, she probably just noticed it as you did and realized she needed to get her butt in gear maybe. I don't think I would have taken that as a stab at you...you should have felt proud at that. Maybe it's too easy to be sensitive about weight comments because of the weight you started and the hard journey you have gone through? :hug: be proud, you have come such a long, long way.


Purplefirefly, I like your comment of ďYes Iím smaller, but I sure have worked hard for it.Ē Iím not a particularly confrontational person and I donít really want a snappy comment, even though I asked if anyone had one. I think maybe it was a lightbulb moment for each of these people. Maybe they just realized in that moment what they looked liked, like Schmoodle mentioned above. Iíve never really thought I was particularly sensitive about weight comments but for some crazy reason, these did really bother me.

Thanks so much! It helps when others can give you a different way of looking at things.

jtammy
12-09-2007, 12:40 AM
I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I am quite a bit smaller than many people I was so much bigger than before. I guess they get taken by surprise too, sometimes!

Heather, Iím finally starting to get used to the idea that Iím smaller than some other people, I guess I didnít realize that it would take other people time to get used to it also. I just assumed they would get used to it in real-time.

Here's my snappy response, and yes I have actually used it, "Yeh, it must suck being the fat one now." I generally get a rather shocked look in return but I think it makes them realize what they just said. I don't tend to take a lot of crap from people. :)

Robin41, LOL, I donít see myself saying this to anyone, but Iím SURE it makes them think about what theyíve said. They probably donít make that mistake again!

At 200+ lbs. I often looked around the room in social situations to see if I was the biggest person in the room. If I wasn't, I felt better. Lame - I know.
So, when people have seen YOU as that "fatter" person, and they have that rude awakening moment that THEY are now the fatter person, it comes as quite a shock.

Yep, I've done this too. At my highest weight, I was almost surely the biggest person in the room. I still do it, just because it's interesting to see that I'm never the biggest person in the room anymore.

I get that a lot! there were a bunch of people who hadn't seen me since last year so I get the "You Look Great. . .I have to lose weight"

Yeah, and I never really know what to say to that either. I usually make some response like "Oh no, you look good" regardless of how they look.

Thanks!

jtammy
12-09-2007, 12:49 AM
my medium-sized friend recently put on about 10 lbs., and lamenting that she's fat as a pig now (about 100 LESS than I am btw) and she says "oh my god i'm soooooooooooo fat.... I'LL BE YOUR SIZE SOON"

OMG, Did she really?

And also, anytime someone makes a big change, don't you find that your yourself are impelled to think of changes you can make? I think their comments are more coming from that.

Yes, you're right. Good thought.


I've been on the other side of this, actually. This makes me look like a really bad person but I feel I should be honest.


I don't think that makes you look like a bad person at all. In fact, you sound shockingly normal. :) It sounds like many many of us are guilty of comparing our weight to others around us.


Thanks again everyone. It does help to get different views on this. I guess I just let this final comment this morning irritate me more than neccesary. I'm over it now. Thanks for the opportunity to rant about it.

Heather
12-09-2007, 01:15 AM
I'm glad you did rant about it! I like the opportunity to think through situations in a different way, too!

Booskie
12-09-2007, 01:32 AM
Hmm maybe look at it as you're inspiring others? I guess I tend not to let that kind of thing bother me, I'll just be happy when I'm smaller and healthier and if that makes someone else want to do the same, well...good. :)

DarlaLOU
12-09-2007, 02:17 AM
I have to say that you are more than entitled to be upset at these responses and now I have a question for YOU!
I have noticed that as I lose, people comment in such a way that actually embarasses me! Like I was such a fat grossy that they could hardly stand it! Then I start to think, no one said a word to me at ALL before, am I only liked for how I look? Totally messes with your head (or at least mine) and makes me feel like all I am "worth" is how thin I am or how small of a size I can get into. The thing that REALLY freaks me is I still have a ways to go.... when I DO get to my final goal what will they say?
DarlaLOU

Beverlyjoy
12-09-2007, 10:13 AM
I understand - my dear SIL (who I love like a sister) said to me..."Oh God, now I'll be the fat one." I know she didn't mean it in a bad or mean way. I know it was her showing her insecurities and sadness at gaining 60 pounds since her husband died. Yet...it still made me think twice.

I don't think folks know what they say and that it can be hurtful or rude or nosey.

midwife
12-09-2007, 10:34 AM
In general, people don't like change....and your change seems to influence their own little world, their little paradigm and their place in it. It is soooooo very much their problem, and not yours, but I do understand how it can be hurtful to you.

Congratulations on your amazing accomplishments. :-)

boaterswife
12-09-2007, 11:02 AM
I've had this happen over the last 16 months as well. It hurts when people say these things, and they seem to have lost all the manners their mothers taught them. The only person I actually "called on the carpet" about it was my own Mom, and I got an earful for it. The only words of wisdom, if you can call it that, is this: For years, whether you've known it or not, you've been the yardstick. You've been the one that others compare themselves to. I may be heavy, but I'm smaller than so-n-so. It's a shock to their systems, and I have to admit that it was a hurtful reality check to myself as well when realized that I was that yardstick. It will get better. Those people who say awful things really don't think they're being nasty, they just don't think period. Hold you head up, you've worked hard for it!

xJox
12-09-2007, 01:17 PM
"Yeh, it must suck being the fat one now." :)



GOOD ONE!!! Ill have to remember that!

KO
12-09-2007, 02:12 PM
ONe of my Gfs who is a sweet lady and lives far away right now said to me once OMG You're goign to be smaller than me (In a blew her mind kind of voice) All I said was "Yeah I probably will"
IF I'm the old yardstick I think I'll break it over my knee. Yardstick this!

Janny O
12-10-2007, 09:57 AM
"Yardstick this!"
:rofl:

Jen415
12-10-2007, 05:29 PM
This thread just proves that people DO NOT THINK before they open their big mouths regarding another person's weight.

And really...they're not concerned about your weight loss, but how people will perceive THEM now that they are not the fattest one.

People are basically selfish beasts.

kimmieone
12-10-2007, 06:13 PM
It's jealousy, plan and simple. For some physiological reason a large segment of women want to be the smallest woman in the room. Like if they are smaller than everyone else they win. They want to be the smallest amongst their friends, coworkers and family. It's like a great deal of us have been programmed to think that way. When some women are not the smallest in the room they become jealous and competitive. Not all women, but a good amount. It's almost a type of jealousy that's not personal if you can make sense of that. :) What I mean is that it could be any other women and they still would want to be smaller than them.

tingirl
12-11-2007, 05:56 PM
Good Thread! I know when I was heavier I never really saw myself as other people did. When I would talk about clothing size it made it real. I could pretend that I didn't look too bad because after all I was big boned and have lots of muscle (ya right) so I didn't worry about the number on the scale, but for some reason when I realized that someone wore a smaller size than me it gave me a better idea of my true size.

Body image is such a strange thing. I've always visualized myself at about a size 12 (even though I'm currently at a 6). My Mom and I were shopping a couple of weeks ago and I said the store must have skinny mirrors because I looked really small. My Mom gave me such a strange look and said "You are small silly!" It made my day!

You have done an outstanding job I would just enjoy the fact that you are probably inspiring them to lose weight :)

CountingDown
12-11-2007, 10:35 PM
kimmieone - LOL - being the smallest woman in the room (the last time this happened was in the incubator 50 years ago at 4.3 lbs )? I have always been thrilled when I wasn't the LARGEST woman in the room. I can't tell you how thrilling it is to walk into a room and not feel like everyone is seeing my weight before they see "me".