On plan, off plan, back on plan. OMG! I am so all over the board right now. Last week I was struggling, but I managed to turn my self around and get back on plan on Friday, but then I was off plan on Saturday & Sunday. I wasn't on plan for breakfast and I just found myself on my way to Wendy's and I was planning on ordering a fried chicken sandwich with mayo and fries. I found myself in the car telling myself no. I even said it out loud. I am down 14 lbs and I am not going to gain in all back. I know how to be on plan. So I ordered a grilled chicken plain with a chili. **SIGH** Ok, sanity. This roller coaster is insane.
Including my lunch I am at 1,155 calories. I can finish within my limit if I just stop this non-sense.
Today is the beginning of week 7. You guys know I never last this long. In the beginning I was perfect and did awesome. But I cheated on Thanksgiving and have been on and off ever since. I will not offer you one single excuse because there are not any. If I go off plan it's because I chose to go off plan. I am happy that I am recognizing that I am going off plan and stopping myself or at the very least managing to get back on plan at some point. But this is aggravating.
I am also concerned because Thursday is a baby shower at a country club and Friday is a Christmas Party at a Mexican Restaurant.
I really don't know what I am looking for by posting this here, I just know that I need to keep going with my program. My life depends on it!!!
12-03-2007, 02:47 PM
I've had those days (weeks, months, years). Sometimes I've just ridden it out, no matter how devastating and other times I've tried to fight. It is crazy how food can have such control over us.
I do think that you can do this though Sandi. You can tell that food that you are boss. Take every moment at a time and do your best. Forgive yourself if you do slip but try again.
12-03-2007, 02:52 PM
I know the feeling, Sandi...I think most of us do, lol.
I have to say that I'm incredibly proud of you for hanging in there and making no excuses..I have a hard time with that myself.
It's a struggle, I know...especially this time of year with SO many tempting foods and SO many Christmas parties to attend. The important this is to NOT beat yourself up if you slip, AND to get back on track. We're all works in progress, but we'll get there!:hug:
12-03-2007, 02:55 PM
Sandi, hang in there. This is a difficult time of year for everyone, you are not alone. Just look at this as a bump in the road of your weightloss journey, not the end. Maybe you should focus on just maintaining and making the best choices possible until the holidays are past. Or maybe you need to take a look at your plan and see if it needs some tweaking to make it more livable for you. I know you can work through this!
12-03-2007, 02:55 PM
With as much gentle "tough" love as possible, you really really need to plan to be on plan. Pack lunches, everyday. Have stuff ready and on hand for healthy breakfasts - every morning. You have 2 fun food-related events back to back, consider not eating the event food at one of them (eat in advance and stay away from all the food (this is probably easiest at the baby shower, take a snack and eat YOUR food).
At the mexican restaurant - order a bowl of black bean soup, no cheese and eat it slowly with some pico de gallo and a whole wheat tortilla (if possible). If it's a pre-set buffet, find a server and order whatever you want (if you have to pay for it, pay for it - your health is worth more than a free chimichanga). I order what I want when I want it and I don't care if people stare or think I'm weird, I lost nearly 75 lbs and my methods worked for me, whatever anybody thinks.
Make fast food completely off limits. There was no time during my weight loss (or current maintenance) where I've ever gone to Wendy's (or places like that). Eating healthy is a lot of work and it doesn't happen by accident. If you need good food fast, almost every grocery store has a nice salad/soup bar (particularly Whole Foods if you are lucky enough to live near one). Sushi places and Subway are also better choices.
I know you really want this and sticking to it for seven weeks is awesome but you really need to proactively set yourself up for success. Menu plan for an entire week, every meal, every snack. Buy what you need, prep as much as possible and have everything READY and at your fingertips.
I definitely understand the Thanksgiving "bobble," I wasn't an angel either (pumpkin cheesecake /swoon) nipping it in the bud and getting immediately back on track is the absolute right thing to do. Don't forget Christmas is coming, use this experience with the Thanksgiving holidays to make you stronger and more prepared for the next series of events.
12-03-2007, 02:57 PM
I really think that the mental anguish of fighting to stay on plan is something the naturally thin among us can never understand. To know what the right thing is to do and have to fight so hard to do it.
Would it help you to concentrate on a mini-goal like finishing the year well or just be additional pressure you don't need? Maybe just something small like not having any chips when you go to the party at the Mexican place.
Keep plugging away at it. And read your own signature quote. It's one of my very favorites and I think about it all the time.
12-03-2007, 03:31 PM
Sandi, I relate because I am SO like you! At least, i have been in the past year I have been on this struggling journey. For some reason things have changed in my head lately and mostly I started to expect more from myself. I used to expect to fail, expect to give in, expect that when a challenge came I could not overcome. But in the past two weeks I have proven to myself that I was cheating myself...I CAN succeed, not give in, and WIN every challenge...and so can you!!!
It is really hard, but I know that if I have one bite of sugar it will be awhile before I can get back on plan, so for now I just have to stay on plan at all costs. I can't go off because I won't get back on easily. Maybe you need to do that...put yourself on plan and do not go off for ANYTHING...not even a party! You can find something healthy at the restaraunt, and if they are online you should look up their menu before you go and be prepared with what you will order. The baby shower, just bring something on your plan and stick with that, or as someone else said go full already, and take some water to sip while others eat.
CHEW GUM!! Sugar free gum is helping me so much lately, it gives my mouth something to do while I keep my hands busy elsewhere.
Getting back on plan is so hard...and I too think about your siggy quote all the time. Time to listen to yourself and give yourself some tough self love....pick your hard :drill: Then just do it, don't listen to your excuses, turn them around in your head...you know better!!!!!
12-03-2007, 04:03 PM
Sandi you seem to stay on plan as long as there are no events or holidays to disrupt the routine that you've established. Now we all know that we need to learn to cope with these events and holidays but until that happens can you just not avoid them as much as possible? I don't want you to turn into a hermit but do you really need to go to this shower and Christmas party?? Really, really?? To my mind it is the same as saying do you really need to walk into a minefield? Not everyone who has been invited to these events is going to go, will it be the end of the world if you don't go either? Will the bride be all that upset if you don't go or whoever is hosting the other party? Wouldn't they be happier knowing that you avoided a pitfall and stayed on plan which right now to my mind takes priority. It won't be the end of the world for them but think how upset and frustrated you are going to be if you don't stay on plan for these events and then everything spirals out of control? Like I said I know you can't avoid this stuff forever but the longer you go with staying on plan the more it is going to become a habit and in another few weeks you may be able to stay on plan with less effort than what it is now. I would say that it isn't worth it to go right now when you are feeling very vulnerable.
12-03-2007, 04:29 PM
Hey sandi! stay strong! i think getting the grilled chicken/chili instead of the fatty fried chicken and fries is a BIG step! I really think it's unrealistic (for ME anyway) to say I'll NEVER eat fast food again - I don't think what I'm doing is a "diet" where I get to stop at some point LOL, it's just life from now on. and LIFE will require some fast food at times LOL so as long you can make the CHOICE of something healthier, it'll all fit into your calories for the day or 2 days, as long as we log what we ate, know the calories and can make room in the budget!
I think picking the healthier choice is a cause for celebration!! don't think of it as "cheating" it's NOT!!! it's LIFE and you made a pretty choice over an artery-clogging bad choice! yay!
12-03-2007, 04:33 PM
I have to agree with so much that has been said already. When I first started out, I had to avoid certain situations like restaurants and parties. I even lied my way out of going because saying you don't want to go because you're in a fragile state is not socially acceptable, but feeling ill is. And, frankly, my weight was making me ill so I guess that excuse wasn't too far off. Once I started seeing some good results, it got easier to accept invitations and choose wisely at restaurants because I wanted to continue seeing my pants fall off.
And as Glory mentioned, preplanning is crucial to getting the weight off. I had to carry food around with me and plan my meals in advance so I was never in a position to go to a fast-food restaurant. Sometimes I'd cook on the weekends so heating things up was quick. When I did go to parties, I brought stuff I could eat so I knew that I would have something to eat that was healthy.
It's difficult to ignore that child within us who wants what she wants when she wants it, but the payoff for staying on plan is incredible. Seven weeks is awesome, Sandi! Get yourself back in the groove--you'll be glad that you did.
12-03-2007, 04:39 PM
Boy, some great advice here! Jen, I especially like what you said about "do you really need to go to the party/shower?" Awesome thought and big revelation for me. No I am NOT required to go!!
Anyway, Sandi, I just wanted to add this thought. Awhile back, I was reading one of your posts and I saw your signature thing that shows your current weight. I thought, "Wow, look at Sandi go!!! I know she's struggled in the past, but she is making awesome progress!! Good for her!" Keep with it Sandi. You and I both know (yes, I can totally relate to your situation) that the temptations will NEVER make you feel good. Even though the taste might be good at the moment, you know that you will feel bad about it later. You're going to beat yourself up for not being able to stay on plan. It just isn't worth it.
Keep strong and think about how you will feel when you keep yourself in control and can beat this thing. It's a tough time of year, but you are tougher than the situation! You CAN totally do this! You've been doing it! STAY STRONG!!!
12-03-2007, 05:02 PM
Hang in there Sandi. 7 weeks stand for a lot of hard work, there is some good advice that has been offered, I just wanted to add that this is the perfect place to talk about it!
12-03-2007, 05:19 PM
I am happy that I am recognizing that I am going off plan and stopping myself or at the very least managing to get back on plan at some point.
That says it all -- you recognize that you're going off plan, and like you said, you KNOW how to be on plan. Sandi, you can do this. You've done it for seven weeks. You're an inspiration to me, because you keep trying even though it's a struggle. It's a struggle for all of us, and I want us all to succeed together, and I know you can do it! You know how to make the right choices -- you did with the grilled chicken instead of fried. You know how much better you'll feel if you stick with it. Imagine how good you'll feel in a week or so if you know you stuck through this difficult time. Imagine how you'll feel next year if you stick with it and lose a bunch of weight! I always think about the times I struggled to stay on plan throughout my weight loss. What if I'd stopped? I wouldn't be where I am now. And I want you to know how good it feels to hit goal. So stick with it, and keep coming here to talk with us about it when you have a hard time. We certainly all know what that's like, and we can try to help you through it! :hug:
12-03-2007, 05:30 PM
:hug: Oh, Sandi!
Your post was very spot on, cause the last 24 hrs have been horrible for me foodwise.....cause I didn't plan and cause I indulged my inner toddler. I am so proud of you for making a better choice at Wendy's....that is a real victory!!
So how about we dust ourselves off together and make the next meal on plan, and then the next day on plan. And so it goes.....
12-03-2007, 05:57 PM
Sandi -- BIG :hug: I am really proud of you for getting yourself back on! Some good advice already. I'll probably repeat what others said.
I'd frame the question this way: RIGHT NOW, what's more important to you? Sticking to your plan, or indulging at these events? Do you have to go? If you DO go, do you have to indulge?
You're the only one who can answer these questions!
And while it's great you take responsibility for going off, is there any reason? Do you feel you have enough to eat? Enough variety? Enough whatever you need to keep going?
Finally, you know you have to expunge the all-or-none thinking. I wish I knew how to do it, but continually pressing myself to recognize that really helps.
Keep at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12-03-2007, 06:01 PM
For years I did this same thing. It is so hard to explain the torture we go through to others. My dh never got how I could do good and then one day OFF plan per se' would put me back to eating out of control.
For me...what finally worked was giving myself permission to NOT be perfect everyday. I feel this is crucial for living a NORMAL life. Couple that with starting one day and being consistant with lishening for TRUE hunger and letting myself eat WHATEVER I wanted. For me this gave me freedom. It was very hard...but I could not have did it any other way and KEPT the weight off.
There is something that MUST click in your head MENTALLY that switches that voice telling us that we must "be on plan." For me...it was letting go of the idea of being on a plan. Just breathing deep..and learning to lishen to my body and eat only when I was hungry and STOP when I was full.
One day at a time....I will pray you find freedom from this nightmare soon...I know how you feel...I lived it for years...But know that freedom is possible. :hug:
12-03-2007, 06:26 PM
Skinny is right -everybody cheats Sandi - nobody's perfect. I dont know why I ever thought I could do this 'perfectly'.
I havent been here to see you fail all the other times but I'm here to see you push through this time. Baby steps - take it one day.. and one meal at a time. Bring vegetables or low cal drip/dressing if you have to for these events. You can do this! :cheer:
12-03-2007, 11:53 PM
Oh yeah, third that 'not perfect' thing. I think that's what I was starting to get at with the "all or nothing" line above....
Give us an update, Sandi!! Good or bad!
12-04-2007, 05:33 AM
Sandi, you already have done so awesomely:cp:. That was no fluke;) So I'm sure that you'll do what you need to. Maybe you need to up your calorie limit a bit? Could it be that you are feeling deprived? Or maybe exercise more so you can eat more treats (that's my favorite option:D If you walk just 30 mins a day, you can eat like 250 more calories!) Anyways hang tough! You CAN do it! It's a marathon not a race:running:
12-04-2007, 08:22 AM
So much good advice... I don't have much to add except for my support :hug: and to tell you that others, myself included, have been there.
I have had many days in a row where food just did not leave my mind. It felt like I was obsessing. Constantly thinking about foods that I don't normally have. And if I did have them... I was triggering more thoughts about them.
You CAN do this. If you have to, FORCE yourself to make things ahead of time. You are the boss.
:hug: Let us know how you're doing!
And just for good measure: :dust:
12-04-2007, 08:24 AM
Gosh Sandi, you've gotten such good advice here. No wonder there.
I know this is hard Sandi. ESPECIALLY in the beginning when it's hard to see the results. Yes, the scale has dropped (yay!), but I'm sure you're not ready for new clothes yet, no one has really noticed yet - yourself included perhaps, and let's face it your life has not seen major improvements just yet - the fitting into places better, the added mobility, yes the smaller clothing and so on and so on. Those things WILL come, but it does take time. And when they do come you will be over the top thrilled. And that alone will give you the power to stay on plan even stronger. At that point you WILL be so overjoyed that the "bad choices" will not seem so desirable to you anymore. You will just be so happy with the results and want to take them even further, that you will gladly pass up on those bad choices. But until that time, you must, you simply MUST stick it out. AND YOU CAN DO IT!!! Yes it's hard, but for me, being morbidly obese was even harder. WAAAAY harder. Like someone already pointed out, your signature says it all. We do get to choose our hard here. Which hard would you rather have? Think about it - often. We don't always remember it when tempted, but we do have to make a habit and do some self talk and always remember at all times just how darn difficult and unhealthy and incredibly, incredibly HARD, it is to be morbidly obese.
Remember, it always comes back to that for me, that each and every time you pass up on something "bad", for lack of a better word, that you are one step closer to no longer being morbidly obese. You are one step closer to ending the misery. You are one step closer to a healthier, more productive and energetic, more active and happier YOU. You are one step closer to making your dreams a reality. And it's doable. So very doable. And there's no reason in the world why you can't do it.
Stick with it. You won't regret it. Not for a single second. Can you say that if you DO go off plan? :hug:
12-04-2007, 11:29 AM
The best way I can describe it is...I felt like I was suffocating IF I didn't stuff myself to overfull? I know I was trying to ease some childhood pain and confusion...But once it clicked that food could NOT provide the answers for me, it was easier. I had to learn how to convince myself that I would not suffocate IF I FELT the pain and did not medicate myself with food. I remember literally grazing all day long just to feel comfort. It is a nasty, vicious cycle of mental tortore.
If it is helpful to anyone...I read The Weigh Down Diet by Gwen Shamblin..the old, original one. It helped the CLICK in my head which in turn gave me freedom from the pull of food. When I read in black and white that I have everything I NEED inside of me to HEAL me...some things that FOOD will never give me, and that food isn't going anywhere. That was a biggie for me too. I literally remember thinking...I better eat a pop-tart today..because they may not make them tomorrow? There is so much freedom is eating when your stomach growls and burns and eating exactly what your body is craving..and not worrying about the next time you will eat or what you will eat. When they say your body will begin to crave what it needs..they are right...after about six months of eating whatever..I began actually wanting Fruit and vegetables. Our body really is a working machine, but when I was grazing everyday...I was the one suffocating my system..it could do what it was designed to do.
12-04-2007, 11:54 AM
i think getting the grilled chicken/chili instead of the fatty fried chicken and fries is a BIG step! I really think it's unrealistic (for ME anyway) to say I'll NEVER eat fast food again - I don't think what I'm doing is a "diet" where I get to stop at some point LOL, it's just life from now on. and LIFE will require some fast food at times LOL so as long you can make the CHOICE of something healthier, it'll all fit into your calories for the day or 2 days, as long as we log what we ate, know the calories and can make room in the budget!
I think picking the healthier choice is a cause for celebration!! don't think of it as "cheating" it's NOT!!! it's LIFE and you made a pretty choice over anartery-clogging bad choice! yay!
I like the way Trazy said it ! I also love your quote.
12-04-2007, 01:12 PM
I am in the same boat, I go on plan, then off, on and then off. I beat myself up , but still ruin my food plan. I know one day I will stop so join me , don't give up we can do this!!! I believe in us.
12-04-2007, 05:02 PM
:hug: You guys are awesome as usual!!!
Yesterday was a success and today is set to be the same.
I did plan and brought my breakfast and lunch. You are so right there - it is critical to my success and I have been lazy and flying by the seat of my pants more than I should.
In the beginning I didn't go off plan, no matter what. That doesn't mean I didn't have any treats, it only means that when I did have treats, they fit into my calorie allotment. I need to get back to that NO MATTER WHAT mentality!!
12-04-2007, 06:40 PM
Yesterday was a success and today is set to be the same.
12-04-2007, 07:26 PM
Sandi, that's great news! I think the more often you get back on track, the easier it becomes to carve a path of success! :bravo:
12-04-2007, 07:50 PM
:cheer:Go Sandi, GO Sandi:cheer:
12-04-2007, 09:20 PM
WTG, Sandi! It's kinda fun, isn't it? Being in control.
12-04-2007, 09:46 PM
Atta girl Sandi. You just keep plugging away. And DEFINITELY keep on PLANNING away. It really is just THAT essential.
12-05-2007, 04:09 PM
I have been thinking about this thread and the idea of going ahead and somehow including smaller portions of those foods we love love love -- the same ones that got us here in the first place. For me, it is a Cadbury Egg. I am unfortunately not joking when I say that the last time I regained the 40 lbs. that I had worked so hard to lose was all due to my consumption of CE -- and all that followed.
So this time around, I really have eliminated ALL trigger foods. The need for this came to me when I thought about my relationship with Tequila. I rarely drink. I am just not that fond of alcohol. I have maybe a glass of wine every 6 months or so. However, whenever I have one shot of Tequila, I end up drunk (not from the 1 shot -- but from all those that follow). I LOVE ME SOME TEQUILA!!! I have often joked that, were I an alcoholic, it would be because of Tequila (not a very funny joke, now that I think about it). My point is this -- alcohol does not make me drink so much that I get drunk -- unless it is Tequila. Therefore, I do not drink Tequila -- not even a drop...because, frankly, my drinkin' til' drunk days are over.
I have often lamented that it is impossible to give up eating, and therefore, losing weight or overcoming a food addiction are more difficult than, say, quiting drinking or smoking. I think, though, that this might be another excuse that I have simply used in the past to keep me from doing the work. Really, I CAN give up the foods that are trigger foods. As much as I WANT a Cadbury Egg (or a million) this Easter, I will not be able to have any -- not even one - not even a bite. For that matter, I cannot even eat any sort of Cadbury chocolate -- ever! This is hard -- it's a major bummer -- and yet I don't think it is harder than having to give up alcohol if you are an alcoholic. I have heard many a recovering alcoholic describe how good a drink of choice would be at any given moment -- but that they can never ever have one -- not even just a sip. That is how it is with Cadbury chocolates for me.
Yet, when I consider this argument, my fat self counters, "But that is unreasonable to think you can give up a food for life -- a food that is always around." Then, my thin self responds, "Now, you would never ever suggest to a recovering alcoholic that they are going to have to just learn to incorporate a drink here and there into their lifestyles. Why would you suggest the same thing here?" Then my fat self gets all pouty and says nothing in an attempt to make the thin self feel guilty -- and it's just an ugly scene.
But I digress...my point is that I think we have all struggled in the same way you are Sandi. It is so hard and seems so unfair. I wonder now if maybe we are causing ourselves to struggle even more strongly by continuing to incorporate our drug of choice into the mix? Maybe it is time to say good-bye forever to whatever that is. I did it with soft drinks. I can do it with the EGG.
Lack of segue -- these are my very random thoughts -- all inspired by this thread (and my kids just came in from the snow so I have to go).
12-05-2007, 05:06 PM
:) for me - it was Peeps (those wonderful, slightly gritty, pastel, marshmallow chicks and bunnies). I haven't had ONE since I changed my life. I'm really okay with it.
I gave up a lot of stuff for good and it worked for me (donuts, head-sized muffins, chips, all packaged baked goods, fast food, sugar soda, food in cream-based sauces) and it was easy. Eating those foods didn't make me happy, they made me feel out of control, one bite made me want another and another. I wanted to shove a second bite in before I was done chewing/swallowing the first bite (and I often did).
It is very hard to describe the feeling that I get when I eat foods like packaged cookies - it is a desperate longing to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. It's a lousy feeling, the food may taste good, but it hurts my soul to feel an uncontrollable urge to stuff my face until my belly hurts.
I just had to give up those foods (as much as possible) to stop those feelings. When I ate as much as I wanted of whatever I wanted, I was heavy and miserable. The foods may have tasted good, but I was a depressed, logey, unhappy person. Now, I don't eat those foods, I might have twinges of missing them, but I am a slender, energetic, happy person (who loves to shop and get dressed every morning!).
For people that can do moderation, that's awesome and I'm jealous. For those of us that have problems, I would definitely recommend cutting it out. You might miss the way the food feels in your mouth, but you won't miss the angst in your heart.
Hey Sandi - good work planning/packing your breakfasts and lunches. For me, it would be nearly impossible to eat healthy on the fly - our society does not support or encourage healthy eating. This is just a sad fact. It's 10000x easier to buy a candy bar than a really good, ripe, crisp apple.
12-05-2007, 05:58 PM
I haven't figured out yet, if I am a person who can indulge on occasion or if I have to give up some foods forever. I can say that since I started this journey last May, I have eaten fast food once, I took the top part of the bun off, ate a small cheeseburger and fries. It was disgusting, made me sick, that was 5 mos ago and I haven't been tempted to repeat since. I did have two doughnuts, back in July. They were really good. Sometimes I think about having another. I thought I would reward myself with one on my birthday but never got around to it. I know I'll have one someday though. I'd hate to think I could never do that again. Chocolate too, I allow myself on occasion, dark only, and I have learned that I have to buy small quantities or else it gets ugly. Last weekend I had a situation with some Tiramisu my friend brought over for after dinner. I had a couple of bites with coffee and thought I was done, but there was a piece left, and she left it behind, and I ended up scarfing it down before bed. It was good. I'm not sure I regret it, it was one dessert, I've been on plan the rest of the week. Maybe I can treat myself this way sometimes? I'd like to think so...
Peeps, mmm, I love those too. The CEs are a little rich for me. Is this thread turning into FOOD PORN?
12-05-2007, 06:52 PM
I absolutely do treat myself on occasions (sometimes daily, now that I'm in maintenance). I just have to avoid my personal "binge" foods listed above. Some foods don't trigger me at all - dark chocolate, natural peanut butter.
After nearly 3 years, I keep the house a "safe" zone. No tubs of ice cream, no containers of cookies. That doesn't mean that I can't have a small scoop of ice cream at a parlour. Or I can't have a biscotti with my latte. Or a small square of dark chocolate. I just have to manage my own personal demons - sweet/carby/baked goods make me binge and if I have an open container handy (and no witnesses) I will be tempted to eat the entire thing.
Therefore, for me, splitting a piece of molten lava cake in a restaurant is okay - I'm sharing, there are witnesses, I am afraid of looking "hoggy" and when it's gone, it's gone. A piece of cake on my birthday, at work, is okay. An entire cake at home is not okay. A scoop of ice cream carried out of an ice cream parlour is okay, a tub of ice cream at home is not. Peanut butter in the house is okay, a bag of Reese's miniature cups would be problemmatic.
I really had to figure out what worked for me, and for me, indulgences are important. I found out I can live without fast food, cream-based sauces, sugary soda and packaged baked goods - I don't miss those. I can't live without red wine, dark chocolate and good ice cream.
I'm not going to live my life without birthday cake on my birthday. I just have to really figure out what IS important - my birthday yes, a baby shower at work - no. I eat very very clean/onplan at least 90% of the time and have managed to successfully maintain my weight loss with the occasional piece of cake, glass of wine, cheese and crackers for almost 3 years! It is possible!!
12-05-2007, 08:24 PM
Eating those foods didn't make me happy, they made me feel out of control, one bite made me want another and another...
It is very hard to describe the feeling that I get when I eat "___" (fill in my trigger foods) - it is a desperate longing to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. It's a lousy feeling, the food may taste good, but it hurts my soul to feel an uncontrollable urge to stuff my face until my belly hurts.
I just had to give up those foods (as much as possible) to stop those feelings. You might miss the way the food feels in your mouth, but you won't miss the angst in your heart.
As a recovering binger, this describes it perfectly. What an awful, horrible exsistence to live as a slave to food. It’s my addiction. And I realize that in the end it will kill me just like a heroin or alcohol addiction would. My one rule when it came to binging was to ALWAYS do it alone and usually in my car. Living in Seattle and the traffic we have around here - I spent a lot of time in my car, alone. I'd keep junk stashed under the seat in my car so no one would see it. Before I had children, I binged 3+ times a month and then resorted to a sort of purging - never actually vomiting, but rather punishing myself by not eating for 1-2 days and over-exercising - many times as much as 4 hours a day. Once I got pregnant the first time the binges stopped. Of course I wasn't going to poison my unborn child by eating fast food 2x a day and all the other junk too. And then once she was born, I was almost never alone, so therefore could not binge as easily. I went years without a binge. But after my youngest was born and had severe Failure To Thrive (FTT) and colic, I spiraled into what I call my dark days. And I started binging again. By binging I mean eating 3,000 calories over a 2-3 hour period and being physically sick afterwards.
Then, a couple months ago I started breaking my own rules and I have now binged in front of my girls. Trigger was baking cookies "with them" during the day and then lying (like most people with an addiction have done) to DH when the girls would tell him at the end of the day. I'd say, "We only made 1 sheet", when in fact there had been 3 dozen cookies. This makes me very sad. Sad enough that I haven’t binged in at least a month now. They are young and I don’t know that they “noticed”. But I refuse to have these 2 little girls grow up around a Mom who will teach them how to have a dysfunctional relationship with food. So, I will do what I need to do to make sure that they don’t. They’ll have their own demons I’m sure.
So, unfortunately, for now I cannot bake goodies at home with my girls. I cannot be trusted to eat only one and I just don't want the turmoil. I feel very stong and in contol right now, but I know how feelings are. Easily swayed. Maybe someday I can bake again? I don't know.
12-05-2007, 08:56 PM
Hey Nori /hug
I don't have children myself, but I don't think it's a bad thing not to have your mom bake cookies growing up. All of us are continously surrounded by junk, all the time. There will be plenty of cookies.
Have you ever made them "pear girls?" I loved this as a kid. My mom would cut a canned pear in half and make a skirt with a frilly lettuce leaf, grated carrot for hair, celery sticks for arms/legs, raisins for buttons.
Good luck with your struggle, honestly, going cold turkey on that stuff was the best thing I ever did. I lost the cravings in 1-2 weeks and they have never returned (little twinges very very rarely - usually when directly confronted with good smelling donuts or something similar - but NOTHING like it was before).
12-06-2007, 12:47 PM
Thanks Glory. The Pear Girls sound like a great fun "food" activity. I'll do it. They'll love it. I just noticed that you're in SEA also - which part? I'm actually in Covington (next to Maple Valley). Nice break in the rain today!