General chatter - Not sure what to do re: boyfriend's comment




JoyfulVegGirl
11-30-2007, 08:24 AM
I'm kind of a lurker here on this site and I know there have been threads before on this subject but I'm not sure what to do.

My (live-in) boyfriend of 1.5 years has been going out pretty much every night without me, and has been kind of quiet and weird. For a couple of weeks now I thought that something was wrong and he'd been seeing someone else or was just not interested in me anymore. I'm pretty direct, and tonight I just asked him point blank what was going on. He was kind of drunk and he ended up telling me that he's just not attracted to me.

Now, here's the thing. I've lost weight in the past, but I'm the same weight now as I was when he met me. He said that he thinks it's really shallow and that I'm beautiful and perfect in ever other way and that he wants to be with me and he's sorry he said it, etc., but that "I guess it's just important to me. I thought when we met that it wouldn't matter, but it does and sometimes I'm tempted by other people."

I asked him why he even wanted to be with me if he knew this when he met me, and he said that I seemed so motivated to lose weight.

I can't say that I kept my cool, but the crappy thing is that I get where he's coming from in some ways. If you're not attracted to someone you just aren't. On the other hand, I feel so cheated. My eating for the past few months has been pretty stable and I just started a new workout program with my brother that I was feeling pretty good about.

I've lost weight without gaining it back for years and years, but I'm so tempted to just say screw it and do something drastic. I really can't believe how much it hurt to hear him say that, and I know he's been around all of these pretty, thin girls recently (who hit on him constantly, even when I'm there).

I've heard so many stories of people who lost weight the unhealthy way and gain it all back later plus some. I don't want to be 40 or 50 and still struggling with this. I really want to do this the right way.

I've just been working at it for so long now. I feel like it doesn't really matter how hard I've tried. I'm still not good enough, so it's still not worth it. I'm so discouraged :(

So now what? Even if I lose weight the healthy way and give myself a good talking to daily about doing it for me, there's still a part of me that will be doing it out of spite just to show him. And I really do love him. This is just messing with my head so bad.

Help?


JoyfulVegGirl
11-30-2007, 08:31 AM
P.S. Sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum. Feel free to move it if that's the case!

Lovely
11-30-2007, 08:39 AM
Ouch... *sigh*... This is difficult. And everyone is going to have their own opinion, but, well I've always been a rather large woman, and for ME if someone could not find me attractive at any size (and only started dating me because I was "losing weight") well that'd be the end "GOODBYE to you, sir, may you find the girl you're looking for. Good day."

Now, this isn't to say that one should date people who aren't attractive to them, but that if they can't find you attractive at your highest weight, then why are they there wasting your time?


About your health. You have to be doing this for you. There is no other way to keep it off in the long-run. What would happen if you only lost weight for your boyfriend and then he left you anyways? Yes, losing weight in unhealthy ways is just that... UNHEALTHY. I believe that most people here are really looking to be healthy... not just "thin". (Although thin is a nice side-effect!)


Now I truly I can't tell you what to do about the boyfriend... that comes down to your self-respect and forgiveness level. Really, will you be able to look past this comment several years from now, even if you don't lose all the weight that you want to? You may need a few days or so to stop and really think about this...without your boyfriend around.

But your worth as a human being is NEVER determined by your weight or what you look like. You have to believe that. If you don't... well then others wont....

I wish you the best :hug: May you find the answers you're looking for, and choose the right option for you!


bargoo
11-30-2007, 08:56 AM
You are doing really great on your weight loss and should be congratulated on that, I hope you are doing it to improve your health and looking better and wearing smaIler sizes is a bonus. I hate to tell you but your boyfriend sounds pretty shallow, to me.I know that hurts to hear when you love him, but I am afraid it is true.He is showing all the signs of not really caring for you that much.A person who loves you will love you no matter what you look like, but will want you to be healthy.By the way, these guys who prefer the skinny chicks and make nasty remarks about those with weight problems, these guys usually end up with a beer belly and looking pretty unattractive themselves. Keep up the good work and don't do anything drastic about losing weight. Good luck.

shelby897
11-30-2007, 09:12 AM
I have gained close to 100 lbs since I met my husband. I tend to agree that if you aren't attracted to someone, it's just not there. I know my husband loves me (we've been married 10 years and have two awesome kids), but I can also tell you if he had met me at this weight he wouldn't have looked twice at me. There are people you are attracted to and people you aren't, that's human nature. But, if your boyfriend met you looking exactly the same as you are now -- obviously his mentality has changed. (I also remember when I was younger and dating I would be "in love" with a guy and all of a sudden one day it just wasn't there any more.)

Most importantly -- lose weight for you -- guys come and go, you have to be happy with yourself and the rest will fall into place. I think he was looking for a way out and it does sound like he cares about you, but the feelings just aren't there. The only decision now is how much time do you want to waste trying to work it out or are you ready to move on and continue your search for prince charming.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

GatorgalstuckinGA
11-30-2007, 09:22 AM
here's my $0.02.... loose weight for no one but yourself. If you loose weight for your bf...when you finally reach goal..there maybe something else that he find unattractive about you. And even if not...do you really want to be with some one who finds you unattractive???? Come on now...And I personally think you need to start looking carefully at yourself and realizing your beautiful. I can't believe he is that shallow. You should be with someone who loves you no matter your weight. My Dh always comments on how beutiful and sexy i am...even when i don't always feel it. He loved me at 190 and will continue to love me no matter what. He is supporting me in my weight loss but no MAKING me loose the weight. He tells me he's happy with me where i am...but knows that i want to loose the weight so he helps encourage me. I think you need to find someone who is accepting of you for you!!!!!!!!!!! I think your bf was nice to at least be honest with you..but now you need to wake up and move on with your life. I would never want to be with someone who didn't love me no matter what. I think you need to find there are people out there that don't mind a little weight. I also think you need to start living your life and loosing weight for you...to be healthy and happy..not just thin fpr the bf. So its time to start taking a hard look at your life. There's no reason to be with someone just if they aren't attracted to you. There are plenty of guys out there that would find you attractive. I hope you figure out what you need...and please realize that loosing weight must be for you and you only. If you loose weight for someone else...it will never work. You might be suprised to find an unbelievably awesome guy as soon as you loose your current bf. Good luck

JayEll
11-30-2007, 09:42 AM
Hey Jennifer, I'm going to move your thread over to General Chatter because the topic seems more broad. :)

As for this situation... People can't "decide" to be attracted to someone they aren't attracted to--or so it seems. If that's the case with your bf, it's just as well to find out now.

I agree with the others--you cannot lose weight for other people's approval. That is just, well, a complete gamble. So if you have been losing weight so that somebody or another will think you're "good enough"--well, it's kind of a setup for failing.

Lose weight to be healthy, to feel better, to enjoy life more. Someone who likes herself or himself is much more attractive than is someone who is looking for another person's approval.

Don't let this sad thing throw you off the rails. Change what needs to be changed and get on with your life! :hug:

Jay

midwife
11-30-2007, 09:43 AM
It sounds to me like he is making excuses for his behavior....and if he knows you are sensitive about your weight, that is a pretty good excuse. If he is cheating, he would cheat regardless of your weight. I think this situation says a lot more about him than it does about you.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now.

Jane
11-30-2007, 10:11 AM
Aww, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No advice here, just want to give you a hug. :hug:

missingmyerica
11-30-2007, 10:28 AM
I've just been working at it for so long now. I feel like it doesn't really matter how hard I've tried. I'm still not good enough, so it's still not worth it. I'm so discouraged :(
Help?

You may not be good enough for him....maybe you're better! You can't base your idea of yourself on what someone else tells you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he said the one thing that would hurt you the most, just to get out of the relationship. What would happen if you got married and got pregnant? You are working so hard and making such progress....don't let someone else judge your worth. We are all here for you....lean on us.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::h ug::hug::hug::hug:

afb0407
11-30-2007, 10:34 AM
GUYS...grrrrr......well honey...words can be HATEFUL.....and you should never try to change ANYTHING about your body or who you are.....unless you are truely not happy....and in that case it should be about you...not anyone else....you have came a LONG way....and weight loss does take time!! I lost 80 lbs in 5 and a half months.....doing it the WRONG way....and im back again because i couldnt keep it off.....you deffinatly do not want to do it the wrong way...as far as your boyfriend....i know its hard to end a relationship....especially ones over a year....you get scared....because you dont know what to do after the break up.....what will your plans be....who do you have to come home too....basically because the past 1.5 years of your relationship youve based everyday to his plans...and what he's doing......breaking up is a fear of not knowing what to do.....but hunny if he said he's not attracted to you because of your weight.....what makes you think he's gonna be there for you if you were to be pregnant??? you dont need him to bring you down!!! God makes one person for everyone...and he obviously is not your match...im sure hes really good looking and that is security for you.....but sometimes its just not worth it to hang on....and it sounds to be....he is NOT worth it.....you need a positive mate...someone to love you regardless.....and someone who is going to push you to strive for more....and this loser sounds like the complete oppisite.......besides why settle for the dollar store when you've shopped Gucci for so long?!?! lol leave the dollar store shopping for him...because thats all he is going to be!!!! sorry if that was too blunt!! but i believe your better than that!!!

lola06
11-30-2007, 10:40 AM
You have gotten such great advice here. I really do agree with midwife, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, and that has nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's trying to make things easier on himself by having you leave him so he can move on.

But I also wanted to say, if you really want to lose weight just to be with him, think those thoughts all the way through in your mind. Once you lose the weight because he doesn't like you the way you are, then what? If you decide to have a baby with him and you gain weight, then what? If he cheats on you at your perfect weight, then what?

When you love someone it can take some time to move on. But no matter what, keep your eyes open and make your choice to stay or go being fully aware of the situation. This man told you he's not attracted to you. Based on that information, will you stay or go? And be ok with either choice YOU make. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind later, but it would be YOUR choice in the moment you decide.

md8384
11-30-2007, 10:49 AM
I haven't posted anywhere in a while but have continued to lurk and this is a topic that really hit home. In the reverse situation, my BF of 3yrs and I just had this conversation but in reverse roles. I still am very much in love with him, but I am just not attracted to him anymore because of his weight gain. We've both been doing the weight rollercoaster together and I've gotten in control and he hasn't been that committed. Telling him I had lost the attraction gave him that much more motivation to be succesful now. I don't want to be so in love with someone who is jeapordizing their health. I don't want to marry someone who will die young because he is overweight. It's hard to say that you're not attracted to someone but still in love with them. You have to decide if this is something you can work through, is this really the person you love FOREVER, or if he was trying to weasel out of a break up or if he really wants to make your relationship work. You need to have a SOBER conversation about where your relationship is going and what his concerns really are. If he's worried about your health, it's valid. If he's still in love with you, it's valid. This can be a journey you take together. But if he just wants a babe with a banging bod, he'ld be better off with the skanky bar flies who hit on him. Hope this helps.

kaw
11-30-2007, 10:54 AM
My $.02: dump him. Life's too short to waste time on a BF who puts conditions on his love for you.

nelie
11-30-2007, 11:23 AM
I agree, get rid of him.

I would have never dated someone thinking "maybe you will be more attractive to me later on". In my opinion, that is not love, it sounds like loneliness and wanting to be with someone rather than attraction.

I am sorry this has happened to you but what happens if you do lose weight and in 2 years, he says something else like "I don't like your hair" or "you are too short" or something?

It is unfair to you that he has been shopping around while still dating/living with you. So what was he hoping would happen? He would find someone else and then get rid of you? I say get rid of him first.

Jasmine31
11-30-2007, 12:40 PM
I agree 100% with Nelie. Dump the loser! Find a man who values YOU!!!

Robin41
11-30-2007, 01:34 PM
If you can honestly see yourself at 80 years old, happily married to this guy, never having cheated, never having made you feel less about yourself because of whatever your weight was, then stick with him. Otherwise, dump his sorry butt and stop wasting your time.

People who love you don't put conditions on it. Don't delude yourself about him.

FrouFrou
11-30-2007, 02:04 PM
First off, lots of hugs to you. :hug: :hug: And I am sorry you are having to deal with this but I'm with the ones who say dump him. EVERYONE deserves to be happy with someone who loves them unconditionally.

blondebritbrat17
11-30-2007, 02:28 PM
Huh.. Sounds like he's been shopping around by going out at night without you and looking to see what he could get and that's very unfair to you. That really had to hurt to hear him say that but I do find that weird that you're the exact same weight that you were when you two met and started dating so.. I'd ask him what's changed? It's up to you whether to stay with him or dump him. Hugs to you!

ennay
11-30-2007, 02:57 PM
kick him to the curb and dont look back

kaplods
11-30-2007, 04:41 PM
While I agree that physical attraction is to a degree unexplainable and uncontrollable, I think he's handing you a big line of B.S. His justification doesn't make any sense. You obviously were "good enough" for him at one point, so the idea that he decided to date you because you were going to be good enough for him at some point is utterly ridiculous.

My husband and I are definitely not each other's "dream date" physically. His celebrity crush is "Drew Barrymore," and mine is "The Rock." Believe me, neither of us is ever going to measure up physically to each other's fantasies. Real-life sexual attraction is alot more complicated than that (or it can be, some people truly are just shallow and want what they want, exactly when and how they want it, and aren't willing to make compromises or broaden their expectations).

I don't think you can depend on him to tell you the "real" reason for his behavior. He may even think he's telling the truth, but it's obviously just an excuse. Some people do go into relationships fully expecting to "trade up" if something better comes along. I don't know if your bf is one of these, but regardless his loss of interest definitely has little or nothing to do with your weight specifically. If he is interested in counseling, I'd say go for it. Otherwise, I think you have a big decision to make, but trying to accomodate his change in interest will do little for your self-esteem.

cbmare
11-30-2007, 06:11 PM
It's nice that he waits until the holidays to start this.

For what my opinion is worth, keep losing your weight safely. YOU deserve that. That is for you and you only. Keep doing the exercise program with your brother. You deserve that, too! In fact, that exercise may be what you need for some added stress relief.

If you aren't locked into a lease with your name on it, find some other place to live and leave him on the hook for it. If the place is yours and you can financially handle everything have him remove his stuff NOW and fix the place up to your liking.

Should he realize that he has been a jerk and want you back, then you can lay down a tremendous amount of terms.

Sounds to me like he wants an open relationship. Come and go as he pleases and not have any responsibility for a relationship with you.

Like the others said, you are better than that.

Besides, losing the weight and working out and reinventing yourself may make him look twice. Then you can be the one to set the bar for him. You will be in control then. Don't let him stomp on your emotions any longer. You, truly, are better than that.

OneLastTime
11-30-2007, 06:36 PM
I agree with the others.... The comment that bothered me was "sometimes I'm tempted by others". WTF is that?? Is he tempted or has he actually cheated? You need to talk to him sober. He wasn't "tempted" when you first met so something has changed that has absolutely nothing to do with your weight hun and I have a feeling nothing to do with YOU. I have gained almost 100 pounds since hubby and I got married and he still tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, still desires me... sure he'd like me thinner and healthier but my size doesn't cause him to be "tempted" to go elsewhere because he really loves me... the real me... the whole me!!

You deserve better. :hug:

Hermit Girl
11-30-2007, 09:21 PM
I think he just might be putting on to you the blame, as an excuse for his wandering eye. How attractive can he be to *you* at this point, after deflating your heart like that? Regardless of whether or not we remain 'attractive' on the surface, over the years, we ALL change, and to love someone is to love beneath the surface. You'll likely carry that comment around through the years with him, so, as long as you're not married, maybe consider moving on.

maalisse
11-30-2007, 10:42 PM
I can't say that I kept my cool, but the crappy thing is that I get where he's coming from in some ways. If you're not attracted to someone you just aren't.
Well, this is true. If he had come outright and said "honey, I'm not attracted to you anymore" and started a discussion with you about it, that would be a redeemable thing...it would still hurt, but at least you would know he was being honest.

The fact that he's going out and that you had to pry this out of him, though, is sending up red flags for me. I agree with what others have said: it's time to move on from him.

I know sort of what you're going through...I tried to make a relationship work for two additional years after the same type of thing happened...but it collapsed around me and all I could think was "I wish I'd left him sooner." Now I'm with an amazing man who thought I was beautiful at my highest weight as well as my current weight, and I love him more deeply than I ever thought possible. There are amazing guys out there. And let me tell you, it's so much easier to lose weight when you're with a guy who thinks you're gorgeous no matter what, because then it's a lot less external pressure! :lol:

And please, please don't take his comments to heart! There is always someone out there who will find you drop-dead gorgeous, and will love you and find you attractive!! Maybe this relationship just wasn't meant to be, y'know?

Good luck to you no matter what you choose to do, hon.

almostheaven
11-30-2007, 10:53 PM
here's my $0.02.... lose weight for no one but yourself. If you lose weight for your bf...when you finally reach goal..there maybe something else that he find unattractive about you.
Exactly what I was thinking. We already worry about lose skin when losing weight, and perhaps he'll not find any lose skin to be attractive. This is HIS hangup, not yours, don't make it yours. I'm not going to say he's being a jerk or shallow or any of the other stuff. He seemed to be sincere. He seemed to be worried about this hurting you, and he was trying to be honest. And if he HAS been cheating, telling you this while drunk, he surely would've let it slip rather than saying he's been "tempted". Sounds more like he really likes you, but isn't attracted to you, and has been trying to work through it for himself. But unless and until he does work through that, a relationship is going to be all but impossible. Cause now that you know what he's thinking, you're not going to be able to stop thinking about it yourself. And that's going to hinder your weightloss if anything.

Do what you need for YOU, not for him. He needs to work on him. That may unfortunately ultimately mean the two of you won't work together.

Ready4aChange
11-30-2007, 10:55 PM
First of all, hugs to you :hug: I hope you're dealing as best you can right now while going through this.

A few people have mentioned this already, and I'm in agreement: it seems he's using your weight as an excuse and justification for his poor behavior. You were this size when you met -- the change is within him... and not for the better. I hope you are able to resolve things in a way that's best for you.
As far as losing weight goes, I'm sure there will still be part of you that sort of has a certain satisfaction knowing he's eating his heart out (and I don't think there's anything wrong with that), but spite won't help you stay fit and healthy. Actually, it might make you do some not so healthy things just to look good. You need to put yourself first in this situation -- do what you need to do for you (I know that's probably easier said than done right now) for right now, but also for your long term health, goals and life!
Good luck with everything :)

JoyfulVegGirl
12-01-2007, 10:03 PM
Thank you all so much. I wasn't really expecting so many responses. I didn't have anyone irl I could talk to about it and it means so much to me to know that there are people out there who understand.

Yesterday when I woke up I had a really long discussion with him and he kept repeating over and over that he was sorry, he didn't mean to say it, he loves me, wants to be with me... he was really sincere, and said that he wouldn't have said it if he was more mentally clear at the time, but he admits that it's true. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but I'm still not sure where that leaves the relationship. If we did stay together could I ever trust that he's really into me and not just compromising because he's comfortable, or worse, looking for someone else?

Last night I went out with a friend and that helped a lot, getting dressed up, being around friends, etc. So today, I'm in a much better place mentally. I feel like I got to say everything I wanted to him and get some things out into the open that were bothering me. My eating has been healthy and on track and I worked out with my brother today. I've calmed down some and really read all of your comments and thought about things from a larger perspective and not just one of hurt and anger. It's obvious that I have some serious work to do in terms of thinking about my reasons for losing weight. I used to think they were good ones, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I was just trying to please other people and fit in better.

So, for now we're on a hiatus and I've told him that I just need a week or so to think things through and get things straight in my head. I know he's sorry and he loves me, but again, it was the truth to him and I do feel like he's not really into being with me right now. I want to make the right decision for me, and not just react to the situation.

Anyway, sorry for the long update. I wanted to get on sooner but my computer access is spotty and I could only get on for a couple of minutes at a time. I just wanted to thank you. You guys are the best and you really helped me more that you know :hug:

shelby897
12-01-2007, 10:59 PM
Good luck!! You sound very centered and not dependent on him -- best place to be :D

FrouFrou
12-02-2007, 01:40 AM
Good luck to you Jennifer and best wishes whatever you decide! :hug:

Jasmine31
12-02-2007, 04:00 PM
Best of luck to you!

vixjean
12-02-2007, 11:05 PM
it looks like you have 2 different issues here;
him
and
your weight loss,
Don't let your relationship mess with your weight loss plan, you are doing amazing,
As with him, it sucks that he feels this way, and you really deserve someone who IS attracted to you, for SURE!!

GatorgalstuckinGA
12-03-2007, 01:45 PM
i don't think you could truely be in love with someone unless there was an attraction. I understand he likes other aspects of you...but if he's not attracted to you...then what???? what's to say he may eventually allow the "temptation" to overcome him with someone who he feels is more attractive than you. And trust me...everyone, even the most gorgeous person out there, will always have someone more attractive. So if he can't find you attractive for your looks now..don't think that the weight loss will help. I think its time you find out what you want in life. Find someone who finds your irresitable, beautiful, and sexy...because you know what... YOU ARE. And someone will feel that way no matter what.
and btw..the whole comment of the alcohol making him say it is BS...alcohol is a truth serum..it allows us to lower our inhibitions and say things we normally would not say because we know saying them wouldn't be appropriate. Its not the alcohol talking...its him talking without a filter. But its what he truely feels...at least that's how i've seen things in life.
I hope you find what you need/want. Good luck!

NightengaleShane
12-03-2007, 02:03 PM
I have a few comments. They are worth two cents or two squares of toilet paper, whichever you prefer.

1. 168 is not that big! Seriously. Jeez.

2. WHAT AN ***:censored:!! :mad: I can't believe he said those things to you and thought those thoughts... WTF!!

3. DUMP HIM. He made some very disgusting comments that prove he is NOT WORTHY of your affections. How awkward is it to know that you need to lose weight just to please someone who is supposed to already love you for who you are and find you attractive? Honestly, I don't think it's love if the person you are with decides you are unattractive just because of your weight ESPECIALLY if they ENTER the relationship with an overweight person and automatically KNOW they are not attracted to that aspect!!

I know he probably thought he would give you a chance because he liked certain aspects of your being and felt like he did not want to be shallow, but... I hate that logic. Seriously. I AM shallow; I would never get romantically involved with someone seriously overweight (though I am not sure if you are or not, it depends on your height) . I KNOW this about myself, so I would never, ever try to pursue someone I felt like I may not be physically attracted to. It's better to be honest with yourself, admit what you like, and move on then to pretend not to be shallow and hurt others.

cbmare
12-03-2007, 02:19 PM
and btw..the whole comment of the alcohol making him say it is BS...alcohol is a truth serum..it allows us to lower our inhibitions and say things we normally would not say because we know saying them wouldn't be appropriate. Its not the alcohol talking...its him talking without a filter. But its what he truely feels...at least that's how i've seen things in life.
I hope you find what you need/want. Good luck!

AMEN TO THAT! Alcohol doesn't put words in. It lets them out.

Gatorgal, you said that well.

techwife
12-03-2007, 04:29 PM
AMEN TO THAT! Alcohol doesn't put words in. It lets them out.
.

Now THOSE are words of wisdom...even my husband says so.

babenwaiting
12-03-2007, 05:35 PM
I really don't think attraction goes away because of weight gain. If you're "in love" with someone, that means you're attracted, period, whatever changes with that person, IMO. I think he's looking for an excuse for his boredom/itchiness, especially since you're the same weight you were when you started the relationship. Sounds to me like you need to let him go ... you'll always wonder how he really feels about you, won't you? I am sorry you're having to go through this. :hug:

JoyfulVegGirl
12-03-2007, 07:05 PM
Yeah, I think what bothered me the most is not that he isn't attracted to me anymore, but that his reasons for being attracted to me in the first place were "You were so motivated to lose weight!" I've tried to tell him how that's not really the best basis for a relationship (an understatement). Plus, the attraction factor is a really important thing to ME, and if it's not mutual then it feels like there's something missing.

Honestly, I think he lied to himself and to me about what he was feeling and it's just now coming out in his comments and behaviour. I'm not really the type of person who likes to walk on eggshells about who I am. If he didn't accept me for who I was in the first place then why struggle to be with me? Why not just be friends and move on and find someone else? I just don't get it, and now it sucks that I beleived that we had something and loved him and have to deal with all of this now. I think you guys might be right, and it might just be a cover for his restlessness, but if that's the case then I'm not going to let my weight be an excuse for him. Either way, he lied at some point or another.

I'm 5' 5" so I know that this isn't a healthy weight. Also, md8384, I know how hard that must have been to tell your SO that you were no longer attracted to him. I think you were coming from a different place when you said it, but even so I've decided to take your words to heart and be honest with myself about my efforts. If I had been truly doing it for me and not so focused on other people and situations in my life I would probably be at goal right now and a lot healthier, so thank you :)

I'll tell you this though, even though that was the last conversation I would ever want to have, and as hard as the past few days have been, going through this is better than a year of therapy. You would be amazed at all of the denial and negativity about my past that was lurking, and I guess this was my chance to come to terms with it. Very cathartic in the end, but yeah, I don't know what I would have done without you guys :hug:

little lamb
12-03-2007, 07:43 PM
It sounds like you're giving your boyfriend the excuse. By saying "you don't want to be with me because I'm not skinny" he can just say "well, yeah" even if that's not what's really going on with him. Next time he goes out without you, tell him that you don't think it's worth being with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you. HE'S the *******, not you. Put him on the defensive, and don't apologize for wanting to spend time with him. If he loves you, he has no excuse. You no longer become the nag, and he might see himself as in the wrong.

Ask him what about you is no longer attractive other than your weight. Chances are your weight is not really the problem. It could be something a bit of talking or compromising can fix. If you really love him, don't let him get off so easy. Make him work through what's bothering him. Remind him that you're a person, you're not a character in a porno, you're not a nameless drunken lay, you're not a hot one-night stand. You're the woman who wakes up next to him every day and comforts him while he sleeps, who's there for him when his dog dies, the only woman other than his mom who sees him cry, whose kisses can make anything feel better, who will put up with his bad dancing and action movies just to be next to him.

I'm in a 2 year relationship with a live in bf. I've put on 15 lbs since he moved in. I've been open about my body issues since we met. He is GORGEOUS. People assume he's famous b/c he's so hot. Before we met, he once jingled his keys in front of a chick he hadn't met or talked to and she went home with him. Now I consider myself very pretty, but I'm not skinny and I don't have big boobs. I told him many times that I was afraid he'd leave if I put on weight. He always told me that the only way he'd care about weight gain is if my weight puts my health in danger. It takes a lot of effort, but I believe him. If he's been with me for two years, it's not my looks that have kept him around.

Good luck.

kaplods
12-03-2007, 09:25 PM
Personally, I don't buy the "you were so motivated to lose weight," business. Oh, he might believe it, but I would bet that if you had lost the weight already, he would have another excuse for a wandering eye.

Honorable men (and women) do not "go looking" for something better while they're in a relationship, even if the relationship isn't the one they hoped it would be (for whatever reason). They don't start looking for someone else until AFTER they leave.

I suspect that if you had already lost all of your weight, that he would just have had another excuse (that he might even believe) as to why his roving eye is your responsibility. Every "cheater" I have ever met, found a way to lay it at his wife or girlfriend's (or husband or boyfriend's) feet. "She's changed, I don't know her anymore" or "she hasn't changed at all, she's so predictable and boring." Cheating, and even hardcore "looking" while still in the relationshp is usually a lot more about the person doing it, than their partner.

Lovely
12-03-2007, 10:06 PM
Joyful- I'm so glad you're taking this time for yourself to think about things and put things into perspective. :hug: Regardless of what happens, this time is a good thing for you.

GatorgalstuckinGA
12-03-2007, 10:50 PM
joyful - i think its great you are taking some time to think..it really does help. I hope you figure out what you need and realize in life..there are people that will love you no matter what. Good luck with your choices.