40-Somethings - Feeling blue and need to sound off
11-26-2007, 10:12 AM
I am feeling really crappy lately and need some help from people who understand. I have gained all my weight back and probably then some...can't even bear to get on the scale or I will jump I sware! But here is the bigger problem. My husband....I feel like he wants nothing to do with me now that I am heavier. He says it isn't true but would you believe them? If you felt so awful about yourself...wouldn't you want someone to say "honey I love you anyway?". But then I say to myself....would I love him if he was fat and ugly? You know he actually "jokingly" told me the other day I was too old to wear thong underwear! I said "you mean too fat don't you?"
My BIL gave me a picture of myself he had taken over the summer and it was this picture of a fat woman....ME! I just wanted to scream. I would tear it up but I think I am going to need it as a before picture. Yes, even though I am about as down as I can get I am actually going to go to the gym tonight and join. If anything it will improve my mood and keep me away from the wine for an hour each night!
I am not going to tell my husband either for a while. I don't want to hear it from him if I skip a night...geez. Really he is a nice guy...he just isn't being supportive enough. He thinks that by telling me what I can and can't eat he is helping.
I look in the mirror each day and just can't believe how bad I look..how heavy I feel...how my body hurts. Why do I expect him to care? He weighs 170 soaking wet!
I hate the thought of "if I lose weight and he is suddenly interested again". Won't that just prove that he really was only into my looks. What looks....OH GOD I sound pathetic.
Please tell me you have felt the same way...
11-26-2007, 10:27 AM
If you lose weight and he's suddenly into you again, it doesn't mean he was only into your looks. It's been my experience that it's probably your attitude he's turned off by, not your looks. You sound sad and depressed and I'm sure it shows in the way you interact with him. I'm certainly not saying you don't have a right to feel the way you do, but you also can't blame him for not feeling super attracted to somebody who spends their time moping around. Wouldn't you be less inclined to be attracted to him physically if his attitude sucked?
Men who've never had a weight problem are rarely going to be as supportive as we'd like. They just don't get it. Let him know what your expectations are while you are trying to lose weight and maybe the communication will help everything else, too.
11-26-2007, 11:18 AM
I think you need to RETHINK how you are looking at things. I can understand being upset about putting the weight back on. That really has to be hard and I am sure you are beating yourself up because we really can only blame our selfs about what goes into our mouths.
BUT and here is the big BUT. You don't sound like you are being fair to the hubby. Him talking about what you eat or trying to keep you going to the gym when you should sounds like encouragement to me. Do you want encouragement or do you want someone to hold your hand every step of the way? That isn't going to happen. People can tell us how well we are doing. They can tell us about the changes in how we look. They can not make us get off the couch and do what needs to be done to become more fit and they can't stop the fork from going into our mouth.
If he truly is just on you all the time then you need to sit down and talk. Tell him about how he talks to you and how it makes you feel. On the other hand if he really is encouraging, my husband is always asking if I did my videos today. If I say not yet he will say something like, " Well it is up to you if you want to do them or not BUT how are you going to feel tomorrow if you don't do them?" He knows I will be beating myself up if I didn't do them. That is encouragement. If I say I am having a can of mountain dew, it is DEW TIME. He might say something like when did you have the last can. If it has only been a couple of days he might say. Do you really want to have one so soon. You know you beat yourself up if you drink more than a can every 4 or 5 days.
My husband loves me no matter what weight I am. He doesn't care about the weight he cares about me. He does want me to be healthy and happy so he is happy I am taking the weight off after years of meds packing it on me. Would he love me if I never lost another lb? YES. Will he love me thinner ?YES. Does he repeatedly tell me he doesn't want me to thin? YES lol.
I have a feeling he is more interested in you as you lose weight because you have a much better attitude and outlook for yourself. I don't think it has anything to do with you dropping the lbs.
My husband ( by the scale ) needs to lose 80lbs. No thank you, not interested in sticks. He could lose 20 lbs I guess but that is it. Fat, balding, graying. My gosh men don't stay looking 18 all their lives. Each and ever one of them will have one of the before mentioned happen. Does that mean we love them less, of course not. Only very superficial people love because of looks. That isn't love that is attraction. I always tell my husband if he were in an accident and lost his arms and legs and could only move his head I would love him. That is the truth. Love is inside not outside.
11-26-2007, 11:49 AM
Shy and Robin, you are both right..it is probably my attitude...at least I hope it is.
How do I change things around? If he says something when he sees me eating something or drinking something I shouldn't I take it as criticism not as caring about my diet. He has a military background and is a very regimented man. When you set you mind to something you stick with it darn it! No slip ups allowed. He doesn't understand failure.
I try to talk to him..... :( ......but I feel like I just get the same old answers. I love you no matter what...if you don't want me to comment then don't tell me about your diet......Shy...I guess I want the hand holding :(
11-26-2007, 12:20 PM
Jane, I feel your pain. While I agree with the others about how your weight has affected your attitude, I also understand having a not-so-supportive husband. He doesn't condemn, but he also doesn't encourage. I wish he would sometimes say that he noticed that I've been working out a lot, etc, but he just doesn't. I've come to grips with it and I realize that I am doing this for me, not him, so it is more important how I feel and if I am pleased with my results and effort.
It isn't easy, but just take the first steps. Just getting started makes you feel better. One day at a time, you make good choices and get to the gym and after some time, you'll feel better and see difference in your weight and your clothes. Personally, I have not lost as much on the scale as I would like, but I have gone down a size in clothes and I'm feeling so much better. I have a really long way to go, but each day I recommit. That's my suggestion to you, just recommit every morning!
11-26-2007, 12:27 PM
Thank you Diane..."He doesn't condemn, but he also doesn't encourage"...mine is the same. Thinks he is helping...when he is actually hurting.
11-26-2007, 01:52 PM
Jane, I think you need to look at it from his perspective for a second. A woman trying to lose weight is a potential mine field for a man. LOL. He says he loves you no matter what. Depending on your mood that can either mean he is a knight in shining armor or it can mean that he isn't supportive and doesn't care about your health. If he mentions that you already had a treat today, he is either being helpful or controlling depending on your mood. If he says you look great in your smaller size clothes, he runs the risk of your thinking that he didn't think you looked great before.
Is it any wonder that a lot of men just try to keep their mouths shut and stay out of the line of fire? My husband is really supportive and I'm lucky that way, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think he tries really hard to think of the right way to phrase something before he opens his mouth on a weight related issue.
Most guys, especially military guys, are action oriented. They want to do stuff. They're not hand holders. This is why we have girlfriends. Do you have a friend that needs to lose a couple of pounds that you could buddy up with? Girlfriends are great for that verbal support that we like but that a lot of men just aren't very free with.
Good luck and keep with it.
11-26-2007, 02:01 PM
I know...you are right Robin. He is a fix it kind of guy...and if he can't he just doesn't understand why.
Thank you all for listening to me today. My mood hasn't much improved but my plan is to still drag myself kicking and screaming to the gym tonight and join. Maybe that will make me feel a little better.
I will also try to be a bit more understanding of my guy...the skinny ba$t@rd!
11-26-2007, 03:13 PM
Mine is a navy man. He is very very supportive. Might be because he has seen what putting this weight on has done to how I feel about myself, I am not sure. YES if he says something that you feel is hurtful first, take a second to step back and decide should I take it as he said it or as he ment it lol. If by attitude and voice he was indeed being hurtful say something. If he is like my son and says your butt isn't as big as it use to be or you aren't as fat as you use to be lol. I take it like he means it not like it sounds lol.
11-26-2007, 03:30 PM
Thank you all again for your kind words........this web site never fails when you need someone!
I am trying desperately to get my motivation up to join the gym tonight.....motivation is lagging though. But I will do it! I will do it!
Please lord I hope I do it!