WARNING...WARNING...WARNING If sex is too sensitive a subject for you PLEASE read no further
(I had started this post in the "Depression" section but then I read the header about where to post with this subject and have put it here instead....hope I'm in the right place.)
But I am so depressed right now. I need some advice/perspective and I have nowhere to go with this but here. I would appreciate any response you might be willing to share.
I love my DH and I know he loves me. We "physically express" that to each other twice each week, sometime more. It's always been good, we usually "finish" together each time and I don't know how/why I've been so lucky in this department.
This morning he didn't "finish" and I can't believe how upset I still am over this. Generally it never takes long, we laugh at how long it doesn't take and make jokes about it. But today it seemed like hours....I "finished" and then the minutes ticked by, we continued the act (trying to be delicate here), and all I was aware of was how my fat was jiggling and he's holding me with big gobs of my fat in his hands. I never felt so gross in my life. Normally I surrender myself to the moment and have no awareness of my physical self, but today I felt like the huge elephant in the room who no one wanted to mention.
Finally I said, "it's not going to happen for you, is it" and he said "I don't think so" and I said, "I gross you out, don't I?". He said "absolutely not" and I dropped the subject but only verbally.
We're now in the den, he's reading the paper like always and I'm on the PC like always, but I am so bummed. I never want to eat again, I know how the Anas feel and am ready to commit myself to a full fledged eating disorder....on today of all days. I can't bring myself to raise the subject with him right now. Normally we talk about everything, but I can't talk with him about how insecure my hugeness makes me feel. It's like we're both in denial about my physical self.
He's 6'2", 58 yrs old, never been fat in his life, rides his road bike (average speed 23mph) 10 miles each day in the summer and on the trainer in the basement during the winter. Until I hit menopause (I'm 54) I was in the normal weight range, but the scale has creeped up on me and now I feel like a hippo.
How do I get over this? Please share your thoughts with me and thank you for reading this long post
11-22-2007, 07:24 AM
58 years old, this the time and beyond the time this thing starts to happen. I think I wouldn't worry about one time. If it continues to happen I would have him see a doc and make sure everything is ok. Seems like things have been going well up till now. You might be taking something personal that isn't personal at all and will make him feel bad if you make a big deal about it.
11-22-2007, 07:43 AM
There is no reason for you to make this your problem. A man that age will have times when he can't finish. If you want, you can make a big deal out of it, and that certainly isn't going to make it any easier for him next time!
11-22-2007, 08:08 AM
And NEVER, NEVER, say "I gross you out, don't I ? NEVER!!!
11-22-2007, 08:20 AM
Baby Steps, Shy is absolutely right. Your DH is in his late 50's. HE is losing his pizazz, m'dear. If he has not been "grossed out" by you up to now, it's highly unlikely that he's suddenly going to notice that you gross him out. These *big gobs* of fat that you perceive he is grasping are more in your mind than on your body. YES, you are heavier than you used to be, but NO, you are not digustingly obese. I think it's fairly easy to see that you have a very negative (and exaggerated) body image. I have been the same way most of my life - even went through a period of anorexia after my second daughter was born, got myself down to 120 pounds and looked like a concentration camp survivor. It was NOT attractive, and when I regained my senses, pictures of myself taken during that time grossed ME out. For me, at 5'7, 150 pounds is actually IDEAL despite whatever the medical profession or diet doctors say. At 150 pounds, I'm in a size 10 - sometimes a little smaller, depending on how the clothes are made, feeling - and looking just right. I gained weight out of "sheer comfortableness" about five years after my second marriage seven years ago. My current DH, unlike the first, whom I divorced after 25 horrendous years, makes me feel confident about myself and happy with who I am and how I look. Too happy - LOL - I started not paying attention to what I was eating and how much. When my clothes started feeling uncomfortably tight (even the bigger ones that I'd talked myself into buying because "they aren't making them the way they used to - too skimpy with the fabric!") I finally decided to get the weight off for ME, because I like looking good. It really had nothing to do with my DH (and without getting graphic here, we have a lovely sex life). AND, I'm taking my time about it. I have eighteen more pounds to lose (according to MY calculations) and I don't care if it takes me a year to do. I'll insert a pic at the bottom here, and YOU judge whether or not I'm OBESE at my current weight. I can tell you that DH certainly doesn't think so. AND, having said all of that, I really think (my opinion, only) that you might want to re-assess your goal. I'm not a medical doctor, but 120 seems awfully extreme for your height. My guess would be that 135 - 140 would probably be an excellent weight for you, Baby S. AND, finally, to eliminate the *jiggles*, get some regular exercise. I couldn't walk too far without my leg hurting because I have bursitis in my hip socket, so I started riding a bike. A REAL bike, I mean, not a stationary exercise bike. I've been all over our neighborhood, looking at everyone's flowers, smelling the freshly mown lawns, and jerking quick to avoid sprinklers that are half-watering the street as well as the lawns <lol>. It's been great fun, and my jiggles, as a result, are fairly minimal. I'm 61, incidentally - have been through menopause and come out on the other side feeling great!
Please don't let this sit "like an elephant" between you & your DH, Baby S. Leave your DH alone over this. Don't feel like it HAS to be addressed, and you HAVE to wheedle out of him that he's turned off by you. Right now, he's probably worried about himself, and feeling every bit as insecure as you are, for different reasons. Give him a big hug and let him know that he hasn't disappointed YOU. Believe me when I tell you, THIS is his worry - not YOUR weight. And then, if it happens again - frequently - HE needs a medical check-up.
See below. Me a month ago in front of a friend's condo in Jamestown, RI. This is me at 168 pounds. Just TEN pounds less than YOU weigh right now. I'm only a few inches taller, too, so there isn't that much difference in height. Do you see any *big gobs* of fat hanging off me? They aren't hanging off YOU, either - trust me.
Sometimes, when we're dieting - and worrying about our weight - we tend to become (temporarily, one hopes) a tad egocentric: everything is about US. This, dear BabyS., is about your DH. NOT you. By all means, continue your diet - or hopefully, your lifestyle change when it comes to eating & exercise - but don't relate everything that happens in your life to your being overweight. The next thing you know, you'll be swearing that the war in Iraq came about because YOU gained weight. ;)
11-22-2007, 08:45 AM
Babysteps, if it makes you feel any better my husband has had that problem once or twice and he's 25... he and I talked about it (because, like you, I felt the same way) and honestly... it has nothing to do with you! It's something that goes on in the guy's brain and it's probably an isolated incident... though, like people mentioned, it's very normal for someone his age. He loves you, and I have learned by my own experience- love is blind. Your husband sees you as the most beautiful woman he has ever seen... he doesn't see your fat... only you do because you are self conscious. I remember telling my husband how much I weigh and he was SHOCKED, because he doesn't see me that way... just don't let this one incident throw a wrench in your sex life... if you put too much emphasis on it, it will just add pressure to how your hubby is feeling... as it is, he's probably beating HIMSELF up over it, because guys tend to do that when they can't perform up to standard.
11-22-2007, 09:12 AM
Please be kind to yourself. I agree so much with the previous posters. It is more likely a side effect of his increasing age. It is NOT due to negative feelings about your body. My guess is that he worships your body.
11-22-2007, 09:28 AM
I agree completely with the other responses. Happened once here too. It has nothing to do with you, and is completely normal. The key is not to dwell on it so that it affects the future.
11-22-2007, 09:46 AM
Babysteps...first off...relax...every man has moments where he can't make it to the finish line...just like some women. It happens to everyone. Sometimes its streess, sometimes its physical etc. He is not grossed out by you...if he was he probably wouldn't be doing what he did in the first place. First you need to come to grips with yourself. You are not overwt. Try not to worry about the "lumps" you percieve...cuz trust me...he doesn't see them. If he didn't love you and wasn't attracted to you...sex wouldn't be happening. In all honesty...its probably him having a problem. My DH sometimes has the same thing, where he can't finish either. Relax and enjoy...if he doesn't finish...so be it. He still probably has enjoyed it. You need to relax and start finding things about yourself that are wonderful and focus on them. Also, don't get stressed out and start talking to your husband about it too much. Men somtimes get very sensitive when it comes to sex and not completing the job. I would just relan and enjoy the fact that you guys are still having fun. Many couples younger than you guys are lucky if they are having sex once a month. So go..have fun...remember sex is the most fun caloric burning activity you can do. Just enjoy it and stop worry about the "fat lumps"....we all have them...even those smaller than you.
11-22-2007, 09:46 AM
If you guys have been going at it twice or more a week... whoo boy he DEFFiNATELY has nothing against your bod, extra pounds or not ;) From the way it sounds, that boy loves you and everything about you!!!
It happens sometimes. My husband is 40... I'm 27. He has those nights where hid body just doesn't want to concentrate. Usually it has something to do with what happened at his work that day and he just couldn't quite get it out of his mind.
11-22-2007, 09:55 AM
Age has NOTHING to do with it and neither do YOU. This can happen at ANY time for both men and women. Since it hasn't happened before it caught you by surprise but rest assured it is not you. Also - I totally subscribe to the "if you don't use it you'll lose it" train of thought - being that if your body does not have sex regularly you will tend to lose your ability to have the "response" which is why older people do sometimes have trouble. Since this is NOT an issue with you and DH I seriously would NOT give it a second thought.
11-22-2007, 10:11 AM
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. The space of a little time and reading these posts from you have snapped me back to reality. I'm not going to bring up the subject again and I'm not going to let it stop me from enjoying myself with him the next time. You guys are the best, I knew I would gain some perspective here :grouphug:
And ellabella, you are right & I've adjusted my goal weight.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Today I'm giving thanks for 3FC and all of you.
11-22-2007, 10:33 AM
A little late to the topic, but here the roll is reversed. And on the very rare ocassion that I can't get there it has nothing to do with how my DH looks or what I think of him, nothing like that at all. It just happens. For men AND women. If you haven't experienced it yet, you're lucky. You could just be too tired, your hormones out of whack that day, stressed, your mind wandering on stuff you just can't stop thinking about...anything.
If it's something that happens gradually, and he tapers off wanting to be with you little by little over the years as you're gaining weight, THEN it could be a weight issue. But if you've been overweight and this just happened now, no way. Not even remotely related.
11-26-2007, 09:58 AM
Agreeing with most of the opinions expressed above! When a guy gets to his late 50's, age WILL have something to do with sexual matters ... and I feel sure you are as attractive to him as ever! (Remember Burt Reynolds having an affair with another woman when he was married to Loni Anderson? She said he was not at all attracted to her in the last couple years of their marriage, and who had a more perfect body than Lani?) So please don't beat yourself up ... it's called normal! :)