General chatter - Break Ups




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starzzy
11-13-2007, 12:23 PM
Hello,

I do not mean to post a sob story. I have been with my boyfriend (now ex) for years, and we are...unfortunately...living together.

We just broke up, but still have 6 months on our lease (a mistake).

I moved away from my friends and family to be with him (yes, another mistake). I am finishing up my last semester of grad school right now.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation?

I am feeling pretty alone right now, and he has been really cold towards me. We are still going to try to live together for now, because we have a 2 bedroom.

I never thought I would be the classic example of what not to do!


GatorgalstuckinGA
11-13-2007, 12:38 PM
I don't recommend trying to live together...it is just going to add more stress to an already difficult/painful situation. My suggestion is see if you could come to a compromise..ie help him find a roomie and move out if at all possible...then you find a roomie yourself. I've never been in the situation...but can imagine what it must be like...very difficult. First and foremost you made a few decisions that didn't work out...so what...you can't go about life wondering if you should have done something. Its ok...we learn from things in life. So try to ignore him..i know easier said than done. If you are finishing up grad school...than you are probably working on your thesis right now (i've been there) and really are very busy...if its like most thesis. I recommend pouring yourself into your schooling and kicking butt on your thesis. Spend the time that's needed in the library doing what you need to do to get done with the situation. If ex is being cold...so be it...soon, he may be bringing others girls in..which will be even more uncomfy. So my suggestion is this, talk to him about what he wants...see if he wants you to move out, if he has options (other roomies) or does he want you to stay. You're in a college town..there's probably people out there looking for a place to stay or looking for a roomie. Find a way to get out. See if you can break your lease (if you can afford it). Did you both sign the lease..if not...whoever is on the lease is responsible. So if he signed only..then get the **** out of dodge..who cares...he'll figure it out. If only you signed...start looking for a roomie...and get him out. You can't move on and get over him until he gets out of your life. Make sure first and foremost you concentrate on school..you are this close...you can do it. I definately recommend finding a way out...however it may happen. It may mean you are eating ramen noodles for the whole semester...but do what it takes to make your life happy. Good luck!

L144S
11-13-2007, 01:02 PM
I am sorry you are going through this and no I have not been through it, I am sure you will get some good advice like gatorGal above, but I do want to add that I am glad you found out now that this realtionship isn't going to work before you got married, or had kids. it is a sad time for you, find some ways to fill your time, join a gym so you can meet some other people and if you are in grad school there should be plenty of opportunity to find some friends....good luck, it will work itself out.


FrouFrou
11-13-2007, 02:05 PM
I've not been in your situation before but just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going thru. I know this has to be hard especially with the holidays coming up. I wish you the best, lots of hugs to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

starzzy
11-13-2007, 02:20 PM
Thank you all for the great advice!

The funny part of this is, that our relationship started falling apart when I began to lose weight.

I hope that we can figure something out. We are both on the lease. We may just have to break the lease, and pay it out. Is this possible? Will this hurt my rental history?

FrouFrou
11-13-2007, 02:29 PM
I believe most leases can be broken, for a price of course. I think it could possibly hurt if you end the lease and don't pay. But if there is a clause saying you will have to pay a certain amount should you break the lease and it's paid I don't think it will go against your credit. But I am no expert so...just had a few leases at times in my life and that was how they worked. I actually broke a lease in Dallas because the complex didn't fulfill their part of the lease and I DIDN'T pay and it was never on my credit report and I didn't have any problems after that. So I just think it depends on the lease and possibly where you live. Can you get or do you have a copy of the lease to see what it says? I would definitely get a copy and look it over.

L144S
11-13-2007, 02:32 PM
It shouldn't hurt your credit, only if you default on the lease, just up and go and it is interesting that when a person, you in this case start to feel better about yourself that other people in your life, him in this case can't handle it.

There are tons of people that will say simmilar things, they encounter friends, parents, spouses, BF etc, that ant to sabatoge what you are doing because having you fat, makes them feel better about themselves. translated it can mean that they look like the good person because who else would like a fat person.
I don't envy you in the sence that starting over can't be easy, but I do envy you in the respect that you have an opportunity to learn about who you are and who you want to be in the new you without trying to mae him feel good about you liking yourself better. I hope you can find the good in this experiance, find the inner strenght that has helped you lose 70 lbs (amazing btw) and find out who you are without the weight.

I hope you can sit down and work out an agreement to get out of your appartment. If you find a new room mate or he finds one, go talk to the landlord and sign a new agreement and get the other person's name off of it. He/she can write in 6 months, he/she just does not want to lose the time on the lease. Also it gets the person who is leaving out of the obligation.

CABunnyGirl
11-13-2007, 03:18 PM
We may just have to break the lease, and pay it out. Is this possible? Will this hurt my rental history?

Not if you both vacate and pay out the terms of the lease directly to the management company or landlord - your rental history will remain in good standing so long as you satisfy the terms of the lease you signed... Whether you live there or not.

The best thing that could happen is that you both vacate, pay the lease term in full and leave the rental clean. The rental agency or landlord MUST do everything they can to re-rent the property, charging you rent and advertising until it happens. They cannot rent it out and collect double rent...

If one of you wishes to stay, the other can buy the other out but I would NOT suggest paying HIM the rent. Pay it to the landlord or the rental agency directly, and ask him to pay you what would be your 1/2 of the deposit. He could also get the lease put over into his name only, as long as he has the credit and income to pay the rent.

Bottom line, if you are released from the lease in good standing, your rental history remains intact.

Remember, if he wants to stay in the rental you can pay the rent to the rental agency/landlord either all at once or when the rent is due each month. That will clear you for the rent, UNLESS he defaults on his half, then you'll be back on the hook for the full rent since most leases hold the parties liable, "jointly and severly", which means together or apart...

Also, even though you pay the rent to the end of the term and he might hold up his end of the lease, you are still on the hook for any cleaning or repairs that must be done after he vacates.

So I suggest you keep in touch with the rental agency or landlord to ensure he fulfills his end of the deal to the very end. Also, because if he does manage to leave the rental undamaged and clean, you'll be entitled to 1/2 of the deposit back. Make sure they know the deposit check must be issued in BOTH names.

Again, if he stays, don't give him the rent money, (either all at once or monthly, when it is due) pay it to the landlord or rental agency directly. You might also ask that they notify you if he adds someone to the lease or requests to remove your name for a new roommate because in that case, they would owe you back any pre-paid rent you paid for the term.

Hopefully, he won't rent out your bedroom and collect the money from a new roommate without adding them to the lease... But again, it's the risk you take living with someone not legally bound to you by contract.

As difficult as moving will be, it's likely to be best for you in the long run.

Any woman strong enough for graduate school is strong enough to support herself in a healthy environment, no matter what the financial cost!

It's a terrible situation and sadly, as a former leasing agent and current licensed Realtor, I've seen it all to many times. The good news is that you now know what not to do in the future!

I also agree with L144S - take some time to enjoy the new you, find out who you are and what kind of person YOU want to share your life with... Know that you don't have to settle! This will be tough, but I'm excited for the adventure this will be for you...

Be well and take care of #1, always!

Robin41
11-13-2007, 03:22 PM
My husband had this experience with his ex-wife. They agreed to divorce and immediately put the house on the market. It took six months to sell and they lived together during that time.

He said that the first month was pretty awkward but that after that it was fine. Turns out that without the pressure of trying to hold the marriage together, they actually could treat each other quite civilly.

So if you can't get out of the lease without damaging your rental history, it is possible to stick it out without it being a nightmare. He may be less cold once he also gets used to the whole break-up as well.

BattleAx
11-13-2007, 06:45 PM
When my ex and I decided to divorce, I stayed in the house for 8 torturous months. Housing is very, very expensive where I live, and it was impossible for me to move until the house situation was sorted out. I can easily say it was some of the worst 8 months of my life. I cannot recommend it.

If there is any way at all to move out, do it. It is really no good at all to continue in a situation after a breakup. At the very least, it is that much longer that you will not be able to fully move on and heal.

scgirlie
11-13-2007, 11:59 PM
Oh, My Girl,
I came close to finding myself in your same situation...Back in the Day, my BF and I put down a deposit, and signed a lease on an apartment together, and he had the electric utility turned on in his name. He got an acute case of the "squeamish-feet" at the last minute (Thank You, God, for unanswered prayers), and did not actually move in with me. I moved my poor college-student sister in, instead.
When we broke up a few months later, I went to my landlord and explained what had happened, he was on my side. I paid the ex for his half of the deposit, and I got my Dad to co-sign with the utility company to put the account in my name only (I didn't have any credit history to do it myself). The ex was angry that I kept him from being able to turn off my lights at his discrepancy, but that was exactly the point.

My simple understanding of the rental rules is: do not cause your landlord any disruption of rental payments. I have broken year-long rental agreements with a 30-day written notice, with no penalty. Just as they had the right to terminate my rental agreement with a 30-day notice. Maybe the laws are different in different states. Maybe it depends on your contract.

In any event, I cannot see how you two can stay in the same apartment.

If he has more contacts in your town, he should go, and let you find a room-mate; it's not that hard to do in a college town.

This will be a new chapter in your life, and Best of Luck,

Lesley

nylisa
11-14-2007, 01:07 PM
Is there any office or entity which handles off campus housing where you go to school? If so, I'd talk to them for advice. I would also check with your landlord. Living apart would help so much.

Amy8888
11-14-2007, 01:36 PM
Hi there! You almost exactly described a situation I was in. I was in grad school (but not near my last semester!), dated a guy for four years, lived together for almost 3 of those years. After we broke up, it was SO not an option for me to continue living with him, it hurt way too much.

The apartment lease was under my name, and at first my self-esteem was so low that I almost decided to find a new apartment. But I came to my senses and made him move out and kept the place we lived in. It was a great decision, but the apartment was mine before it was ours so I could return to it being mine again.

I don't know if I'm making sense, but I would try to get my own place, one way or another, if I were you. I'm sorry you have to go through this, breakups are the worst. And sadly, people don't recognize that it is basically like getting a divorce when you've lived with someone in many respects.

Smiling_Sara
11-14-2007, 03:52 PM
Hello,

I do not mean to post a sob story. I have been with my boyfriend (now ex) for years, and we are...unfortunately...living together.

We just broke up, but still have 6 months on our lease (a mistake).

I moved away from my friends and family to be with him (yes, another mistake). I am finishing up my last semester of grad school right now.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation?

I am feeling pretty alone right now, and he has been really cold towards me. We are still going to try to live together for now, because we have a 2 bedroom.

I never thought I would be the classic example of what not to do!


I'm so sorry you are going through this. I haven't myself, but have thought about moving away from everything I know for a boy. You may or may not be able to continue living together, but I would think the odds are it is more healthy to not be living together, and you will be able to move on from the relationship a little more. ( I would think at least ) There are lots of ppl here that can offer support, and a ear. :hug:

BTW, what part of Wisc do you live in? I live in Wisc myself.