My self-esteem has definitely taken a hit since I gained 60 pounds and I don't feel attractive or sexy to men. My dating life has effectively stalled. However, I know that there are women out there who are overweight yet still date and still get love. How can I get back into dating and feel attractive despite my weight? I've thought about the internet, but I'm scared. . .Anyone else having dating issues?
11-11-2007, 10:10 PM
I think first, you need to accept yourself for your GREAT qualities. Find those qualities..ie loyalty funny etc..and go with it. Then as for your weight...just start finding things that are good...ie eyes, boobe etc...then wear clothes that flatter your body. As for dating...you can try on line. I met the love of my life (and now my hubby) on line. Here's what I will tell you that might help. First, post pics...if someone isn't going to accept you for the way you look...don't even waste your time. Next, talk for a while. I never met someone at first...needed to feel if they were worth my time. Then finally, I personally don't recommend the long distance thing. I know its worked for many...but imho, how can you really get to know someone if you guys don't live close by. Every time you see each other, it will be a honeymoon...and so you will never really get to know that person. Oh and also, the first few times i ever met someone out that i met on line...i always met them at the place...never had them pick me up. I've lucked out and never had any freaks. Just guys that I wasn't interested in. Until, dh came along. I found the internet was the only way to meet people where i lived because i work hard and didn't really feel that the bar was a good place to meet people. So i say give it a shot...but first you need to start finding things that you love about yourself...until you like things about you (and we'll always be fussy about weight), you won't be able to be open and honest for men. Good luck...and you can do it. just start to love yourself
11-11-2007, 10:14 PM
i'm in the same boat. i just got out of a 5 yr relationship and im back in the dating game but my self esteem is really sickeningly low...:(
11-11-2007, 10:32 PM
one thing that i find very important for everyone in general...find out about yourself and why you are a great person...WITHOUT A MAN! I found that you have to discover yourself first before you can find a man and be comfortable with that person. I usually wnet 8-12 months between one relationship and another. I found things that I love to do and kept me happy. I discovered what I liked about myself and what I enjoy in life. I find you can't be happy in a relationship unless you are happy about yourself and find things that are great about you.
11-11-2007, 11:01 PM
Thanks! I definitely know that I'm a great person, but I feel like men notice the looks/bod first so I think I get passed over. I think I may put up a profile on a site and be honest about my body and just go with it.
11-11-2007, 11:59 PM
Any friends have a friend??? That worked for me -- met my husband through work -- who knows you better than they do, so they should do pretty decent at matching you up -- I have also answered personal adds and had relatively good luck -- I figure you will have 110% better chance with a personal add than a bar -- there is none of that "just add alcohol, instant jerk" quality going on (not that there aren't great guys hiding in bars too!!) Also, try not to worry about it, really, my mother was right -- when you quit looking, you'll be found. Get out there -- do the things you love to do and "Mr. Right" will bump into you!!!
11-12-2007, 08:48 AM
great guys will not worry about the weight. So if you stop freating about it...they will too. Just relax, enjoy life...and if someone comes along...great!
11-13-2007, 04:27 PM
I'm single, so I'm in the same boat. I've tried online dating, plus the usual socializing. I make it a point to post current, honest photos in online dating profiles. In fact, since my face is the last place I gain, first place I lose, I posted a full shot as well as the face shot. While I probably don't get as many responses as I would get if I were thinner, I do get some responses. While I haven't mutually clicked (some I've been interested in going on 2nd dates with but the guy isn't or vice versa), I have had some nice chats over coffee. If you haven't already, familiarize yourself with the basic safety precautions of online dating (e.g. meeting in public places, not giving out identifying info in a profile, setting up a different e-mail account without your last name).
11-13-2007, 04:46 PM
I couldn't find anyone at 303 lbs and now that I am 173 and look hot, I still cannot find anyone. However, I am very happy with myself, and what I have accomplished in the past few years. I love to read, bowl, go to movies, etc. and just hang out with friends. I feel if it is meant to be it will happen.
11-13-2007, 07:39 PM
I'm thinking of jumping back into the water. It's been a long time. I am a little nervous about my body size, but d@mn, I am fabulous overall! I have a great personality and am a good person.
My friend just took a bunch of pics of me in her studio (the avatar is one of them) and I specifically told her to get some full body shots, unvarnished, unphotoshopped, unimproved. I want them for 2 reasons: one is this is me at 50 lbs. loss, and the other reason is because I intend to post one of the full body pics on the dating site. This way there will be no surprises for the men, and I will weed out any who will have a problem with my size.
I'm just a little worried about meeting up with chubby chasers.
Good luck to you! Find your fabulosity and carry it around with you.
11-14-2007, 06:31 PM
Glad to know I'm not alone. I really do want to start dating. I will continue to enjoy myself and hope that Mr. Right comes along.
11-15-2007, 04:49 AM
Guess I can add my 2 cents here........I've been married for 9 years now......and I dated a little before getting married, not a lot, but that was my own personal choice.
The way I met people is like someone mentioned here, through friends and just getting out there. Online is fine and at the time (before online dating was so hot) I tried the dating phone line, talked to some guys, met a few, dated, had fun basically.
I say weight only gets in the way -- if you let it. If you accept yourself and love yourself, you'll project that and size has nothing to do with that. Now I do admit, some men only prefer petite chickies. Which is a personal preference and that is their own personal opinions.
So get out, have fun and "Mr. Right" will find you when you least expect it. That is how it was with me and DH anyways.
11-15-2007, 01:07 PM
I met and married my husband near my highest weight. He is also a very heavy guy. I've always found that as a fat woman, the pool of men available to me was much smaller, but just as varied and just as good as the guys available to my thinner friends. They might have access to ten times as many men, but their success rate (and tendency to pick a loser) was pretty much the same.
I never let my weight be an excuse to lower my standards. Although I think it did teach me to concentrate on what I really thought was important. For the most part, it prevented me from "throwing back" perfectly good guys for shallow reasons. I had cute friends who wouldn't give a guy a second date because they didn't like his car, or were annoyed by a zit on his forehead. I couldn't afford to be equally shallow, though I admit that too was a learning experience. In college I rejected a guy, even though he was extremely intelligent (a physics major) and funny, because he was socially awkward and unattractive. I was overly concerned with my peers thinking he was the "best I could do."
11-15-2007, 02:15 PM
I have some input. It's worth less than 2 cents, but what the ****, right?
I strongly agree with gatorgal - soul searching and being single is not always so bad, and it is unquestionably important to know what your amazing traits are. Since you said you are aware of these traits, ask yourself another question: "Why do I need a man in my life right now?" I know it can be easy to feel lonely, but there are other things in life that are important besides finding someone. You seem like you are uncomfortble with yourself. To be honest, I would not advise dating until you are comfortable and confident.
Posting an online personal ad is definitely a start, though! Make sure your pictures are up to date and accurately show your body. Be honest about your body type. This will weed out anyone who may be potentially disinterested in a chunky girl. There ARE men out there who don't mind weight... I know this because: A) I have a friend who is morbidly obese and she has still had serious relationships and sexual encounters... and no, not all her exes are fat or even overweight and B) at my highest weight (20 pounds overweight - not obese, but I was chubby - refer to my before/after pics in my sig), on the days when I cared to actually look nice, I got my fair share of male attention, including two very hot guys who really wanted to be with me.
HOWEVER - I am hitched in a 2.5 year relationship and was never single and fat - I got fat AFTER being in a relationship and was quite thin before ;). I honestly had such low self esteem regarding my looks at my highest weight and wanted constant reassurance that I wasn't FAT. I talked myself into believing that despite weighing 175 pounds, I LOOKED 155. (Some people really did think so, actually, but a picture says 1,000 words and even if I did "carry it well" in real life, I was quite a porker! :fr:) If I was single, I would have probably waited until I lost weight to go back into the dating pool, because I had ZERO confidence... and also, I'm shallow and could NEVER date someone fat, so I would feel like a hypocrite placing such standards on anyone else while at my HW.
I acted really confident while drunk, though, and flirted with everyone. I guess my former thin self popped out to say hello when I was too drunk to remember that I was a fat chick :lol:
11-15-2007, 05:07 PM
I'm just a little worried about meeting up with chubby chasers.
I've put things in my profile about how I'm in the process of making exercise/nutritional changes. And if a guy wrote/said anything specifically about liking larger women, I'd point out that I was in the process of losing weight. I'm probably one of the few people who would blurt out my actual weight to a prospective date :) But I figure being honest is best for everyone.
I can relate to what Nightengale Shane says about self-confidence. Ideally, I'd prefer to wait until I was at least a normal BMI weight to date, but that's still 26 pounds away for me. And it's taken me 3.5 years to lose 60 pounds. I figure I may as well go out & see who's out there, but of course, following kaplods good advice about keeping one's standards and accepting nothing other than being treated well.
11-15-2007, 06:00 PM
I've been obese most of my life, and I think that makes a real difference in how I view myself and others. I had a choice of looking at myself as a disgusting piece of worthless humanity, or taking pride in my strengths and accomplishments, even if they were different from those of the "pretty girls."
Maybe if I wasn't very intelligent and very social, and my parents hadn't stressed that I was good and special (even as they tried to help me lose weight) I would have felt differently.
If a person has never had a long-term weight problem, I can understand waiting until they have the body they want, before dating. However, for people who experience it as a life long (or decade long) struggle, I think there's no good reason for putting your life on hold. I think it only makes the situation worse.
I do think it's important to have worked on your self-esteem before looking for love and attention from someone else. If you don't like who you are, you will attract people who need a partner with low self-esteem. Most people who need a self-hater as a partner, do it because they can't attract better, or need fo feel better about themselves at someone else's expense.
The biggest struggle I had dating, was finding a partner who could accept weight fluctuation. Many people, especially it seems men, do have a physical "type," and there may not be alot they can do about it. For a while I didn't date, because I didn't want to fall in love with someone who couldn't accept that I wanted to be a smaller person. I read the BBW and standard personals, but while I saw ads from and looking for fat and thin people, I never saw ads from people who were trying to lose weight. Finally, I decided that if I wanted a person who would accept me at any size, I had to "advertise." I wrote a personal ad, and included my stats (even my weight), and that I was currently dieting and looking for someone who was in my same situation or sympathetic to it. Wow, I didn't expect the number of responses (it was a personal ad linked to both the local newspaper and the newspaper's website). On the website, I included a 3/4 photo (I had a "glamour" shot taken at Sears). And men responded by email or phone.
The first to reply were the scary guys though. One guy was an over the road trucker who only wanted a booty call. One was a guy in his late 60's admittedly with no teeth and a shady past. One was a 19 year old college boy. The otr trucker actually replied twice about a month apart, the second time whining that I hadn't answered his reply.
Then the normal guys responded. I talked with a few, went on a lunch date with one guy. Boy was he cute! He looked like a tall, older california surfer (very tall, very blond, and very muscular). I suppose he was technically a little overweight, but I would say that 85% of thin women would have found him very attractive. He admitted to being ten years older than he had originally said. He sounded nice, but some of the things he said about himself seemed too good to be true (one of these guys who brags about seeing and doing it all). Luckily the guy that sat next to me at work, and was a good friend, happened to live in the same small town as the blonde guy, so I asked him if he knew the guy. Turns out he did, and the only true thing he had told me was that he did have his pilot's license. Also, the guy was not ten years older than he had originally stated, he was twenty years older (I never would have guessed, he was gorgeous). But I don't date liars, so he was kicked to the curb.
About a week later, I responded to the phone reply by the guy that would be my husband. My husband was not what I expected at all. I've never been all that attracted to the "bad boy." type, though I did find his biker-viking look kind of sexy. I just never would have expected from his photo that he and I would have had anything in common. If I hadn't talked to him on the phone (for 3 hours each evening) for a week before seeing his photo, I probably would never have agreed to meet him. Our dates were kind of duds too. He was really shy in person, so we'd go to dinner or to a movie and just sit and not have much to say, then we'd get home and one of us would call (yep right after the date) and THEN we'd talk for three hours. Or we'd send chapter length emails. Finally our in-person personalities started to match our email/phone personalities.
I think in some ways, we're exact opposites, but almost in a two-sides of the same coin sort of way. My husband loves looking and seeming unconventional, but it's all in trivial matters. When it comes to core values, he is so very traditional and almost uptight. I look very conventional (almost boring), but am much more creative, unconventional and liberal-minded. We still can spend hours and hours discussing and debating just about anything.
I was happy single, and even dateless. I liked being single, I liked being alone (in fact, I pretty much still prefer to be alone a lot more than my husband does), but I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. If I had decided not to date until I was thin, or if I hadn't given him a chance because of his appearance, I would have completely missed out on a true soulmate.
11-17-2007, 09:35 PM
you guys are a real inspiration to me. Im 25 years old and never had a boyfriend. I used to have a horrible self esteem problem...it used to affect my whole life. I hated to look in the mirror, I hated who I was..I thought that it was a horrible joke on me to make me so ugly, when so many girls are pretty. I was a sad sad person.
NOW im better, I love myself. I think Im an amazing person, Im funny..I am kind and compassionate and I think I have a pretty face(the old me would NEVER have said that) my only problem is finding someone that will see in me what I see in myself. I dont dwell on dating all the time, but its hard to realize that Ive never been on a date..its hard not to think there is something wrong with you..I know realistically there probably isnt, but it is hard when you havent found anyone who thinks your special(besides family lol) so i havent been through those big life events that other people my age have. Never gotten picked up for a date, never held anyones hand, never been kissed...sigh..
I sound sad lol but most of the time Im ok, I have a full life..I dont NEED a man...but I do get lonely, and I do think that it is my size that is causing the problem. Im not being hard on myself when I say that, but it is a reality in my life..Ive tried dating sites, but when I send them my picture, they stop talking to me..may be coincedence, but its a big coiencedence that someone doesnt talk to me after I put up a pic lol
Im young, I dont need to be married, but I should be dating.
11-25-2007, 02:38 PM
This is actually a very sensitive subject with me. All my life I've been known as the great friend, all the while guys telling me stuff like I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend, bc you're great, etc. I always end up falling for guys that live far away, and I see it as kind of a defense mechinisim in two ways. I don't know why, but I feel like if I can't stand to look at my body, how am I sopose to think someone else can, and 2nd, I feel like I've been hurt in the past, I don't know how much more my heart can stand. I had some dates and stuff in HS, but after, I just went into this shell. I don't go out with friends to places where guys might approch me, I stay home and mess around on internet sights ( mainly sports ) and thus finding guys in difft states. Last year, my sister set me up with someone she knows, we had a dbl date with him and then my sister and her fiance, it was so awkward I can't even describe it, needless to say, I never heard from him again. I About 2 yrs ago, I actually got up enough nerve to meet someone from online, but we had talked for months via phone, the internet and snail mail before meeting. Since then I've had two interests, but again, they live in difft states. It's pretty pathetic how incredibly shy I am with meeting a guy who might become something more.
I actually have signed up on a dating site, and got a few responses, but one guy who wanted my number and stuff, I ended up telling him I wasn't over someone else and didn't see it fair to him. And as of last week, a real hottie sent me a mesg that he was new to the area, and thought I was beautiful, wanted to know if I could show him around. I have yet to get back to him, I just don't know how to handle it. :(
11-25-2007, 08:04 PM
BornToFly, WRITE the HOTTIE BACK! NOW! What are you waiting for? a HOT guy wants to talk to you :D the least you can do is say hello and swap some sort of contact info :)
11-25-2007, 08:39 PM
The thing is BornToFly, no one "knows" how to handle dating situations, they just muddle through. The thin, cute girls may get more experience, earlier but they start out just as clueless as everyone else. They also face rejection and are just as hurt by it.
I guess I always assumed thing girls had it easy until my two much younger, thin and pretty sisters started dating. Especially with my middle sister who is a bit shy, I realized that the fear of rejection and not knowing what to do is certainly not unique to fat girls.
For me what finally made it easier, was looking at rejection as a positive aspect of dating. Without it, everyone would be stuck with the first person they ever dated, whether they were a good match or not. I suggested this to my sister and it's helped her too. Make lists of the things you require, would like, and will not tolerate in a boyfriend. Know that you will reject anyone who doesn't meet your qualifications. Concentrating on your standards make it a lot easier to accept and understand that when you don't meet someone else's standards it doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with either one of you, There are tons of reasons that you might not match up, and your weight isn't even going to be at the top of some guy's lists. It doesn't completely take the sting out of rejection, but there is no way to avoid all of the risks in life, and you wouldn't want to.