Onderland Reflections
So, I finally did it!! I've made it to Onderland! And the week before my TOM to boot! I never thought numbers could make me cry, but I honestly just cried like a baby when I saw 1-9-9 pop up on my scale.I weighed myself like 4 different times just to be sure because I couldn't believe it. I don't recall being below 200lbs since middle school. The lowest weight I recall was 178lbs, and I think I was in 8th grade. The only reason I know is because when I left middle school, they gave me my height/weight chart along with my medical files when I left school. On it my weight was listed as 178lbs. What's so interesting is I never knew the actual number until then.
What can I say about being in Onderland for the first time in my adult life? It feels good and positive, but not without it's challenges. The night after the big weigh in, I was getting off the train walking home from work and some young man made some sexual comment towards me as I walked by. The statement, which I will not repeat included the word "fat" and what he wanted to do to me. I typically don't stand for this, and would've said something back but I was too annoyed and disgusted. It also got me thinking about why I was fat in the first place. My fat served a purpose in my life. It was my layer of protection. I've known that for a while now, but I finally realized that being fat was no longer healthy nor something I needed and that I could take care of myself. But as strange as it sounds, I'm mourning my loss of fat, my insulated layers of protection. After that guy's comment to me, for a moment I felt scared and unsafe, feelings I'd been trying to avoid since I started piling on the pounds in 6th grade. Thank goodness for therapy!
I've also realized that getting to a healthy weight range for my height and body type is actually going to happen. For the longest time I thought I was just "big boned" or just made to be big, but now I know the opposite is true. I'm 5'3 and actually quite petite, who knew?
What's hard about this place is my body is changing in so many ways, I hardly recognize myself. I went to a meeting and had to sign-in using my work ID that was taken at my highest weight, and the security guard asked if that was really me in the picture? LOL. I laughed hysterically, I didn't believe it. This is the also the place where the real work begins for me. For so long getting to 199lbs was that goal I never could quite reach. 199 seemed like the land of utopia for my weight loss. I honestly believed for such a long time that once I got here I would be content, but I'm actually not. I got to 199 only to realize I'm now obese, just not morbidly obese, now I'm just regular fat. Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled with what I've been able to accomplish, but my reality is there's so much more I can do. This is also where the rubber has met the road in terms of solidifying a healthy lifestyle for myself. Now that I've met this goal, I've set another, but this is really about being healthy for life. It's no longer let me just get to 199lbs and go back to all of my old habits. This is for real. I can have the body I've always wanted if I continue my commitment to myself and being healthy. It's a constant work in progress. I feel like that's what all of the diet books fail to tell you.
I've learned so much from all of you here on 3FC. I've grown so much, and you all continue to inspire me each day. It even provides me with a little bit of competition, which also keeps me going. When I see people who started out at the same weight as me and they continue to lose and be successful, it makes me want to push myself even harder. Anybody who asks me about my weight loss, I always tell them to come here, it's such a great place to be.
I know I've said a lot here, but thanks so much for reading and your support.
In Consistent Health,
Lola
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lola!!! I can tell you feel AWESOME!!! Keep up the good work and you'll be at your goal in no time.
