I have spent my entire life taking care of other people. In the beginning it was helping my grandmother take care of my grandfather, who was always very heavy, over 450 pounds, and in quite poor health. Then, that became single-handedly taking care of him when my grandmother herself got to the point where she physically couldn't handle that stress anymore.
After that, it was taking care of my mom during her divorce from my dad. I was only 8, but I still felt like it was my responsibility to take care of my mom and make sure she was OK. And then that became what it is now, me taking care of my grandmother part-time and going to school full-time.
Even when I was battling my cancer, it was always someone else first. I was 16 years old, and had just been told by a doctor that I was going to die, and I had no more than 6 months to live. What did I do? Went a made dinner for my grandmother and did her laundry.
Literally, I have spent the better part of my life taking care of everyone else, putting everyone else first, and putting myself completely last. It's time I put myself first, for once, for a change. I'm a person too, I have feelings too, I have dreams too.
Getting all of this weight OFF is my way of putting myself first. So why do I feel so guilty? I'm so not used to taking time for myself that it just seems like I'm being selfish, like I'm hurting someone else in the process. It's stupid, I know it's so stupid, but I still can't shake it.
I deserve this. I know I do. I know it's going to be a long, hard battle, but it's one I intend to win. I may not win every single battle, but I am determined to win the war. I just wish I didn't feel so freaking guilty for putting myself first.
I guess I just need someone to tell me that this is the right thing to do, that I'm not selfish. Or maybe I need someone to hit me in the head with a sharp, pointy rock. Maybe that would knock some sense into me.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! You should always be first in your life. I always used to do so much for my family and friends that I would make myself sick. I'm constantly being nagged by my husband that I should be looking after myself more often instead of worrying for others.
Nice to meet you, and I hope you enjoy 3FC There are many great people here who can really lift your spirits.
You feel guilty because it is what you've always done before, and you don't know quite how to fill the role "someone who takes care of herself" yet. It is REALLY hard to change our patterns (trust me...we're working on the same things right now!)
The problem is, though, that you do need to change the patterns. Because the longer you stay in the "I take care of other people" zone, the harder it will be for people to adjust when you decide to take care of yourself.
You have the right to:
1. Take time for yourself
2. Have feelings
3. Have likes and dislikes, and vocalize them
4. Stand up for yourself
5. Take control of your own body and health, because they ultimately belong to you.
It is a really rough thing when someone asks you to run another errand or do another favor and you say "sorry, can't today, have a date with the gym". But the more often you do it, the more likely that people will adjust and acclimate to the new you...and you'll be happier for it!
xtrisar
I won't use a rock, maybe just poke you with a pointy stick lol.
It is OK to be selfish. It is OK to put yourself first. I DO understand where you are coming from. Got to the point my husband said THAT IS IT. No more, you are sick all the time because you don't take care of yourself. I sure don't see anyone bothering to help you out or take care of you.
It is your turn. You do what is good for you. In turn they will find it is good for them. Sometimes in life we have to realize we give everything to everyone else and don't take care of our selfs. If we are this kind of person. No one else is going to take care of us.
You put yourself first. You take care of yourself. Your education, your weight, how you feel about yourself. These things are very important for your future. People say tell them no, ohhhhhh I understand that is not easy. It will take time. You can do it. One step at a time. Don't be available on certain days of the week or after or before certain hours.
First of all, I think that you're a great young lady who is taking care of her grandparents and mom Secondly, You have to take care of yourself, or you would become co-dependent. Always taking care of others instead of yourself.I know the feeling of feeling guilty too. I have three boys and I don't cook them breakfast, instead I take that time to excercise early in the morning while they eat cereal and a piece of fruit. However, I do makeup the slack in the morning for a super dinner. Anyway, Please take good care of yourself. Have you considered getting outside help to free you?
My mom works nights and sleeps until mid-afternoon, then she has to do all the house-work that comes with 5 dogs, 1 cat, a husband, a 19 year old, and a live-in sister-in-law.
That pretty much leaves me to do it.
I am looking into the possibility of finding a part-time sitter for her though, just someone who would do small things for her. She's not in bad health or anything or senile, she's just getting older and is stubborn, and doesn't realize she can't climb on chairs to change lightbulbs or paint her own house.
If I could just get someone to help her get groceries, go to the post office and get her mail, help keep her house clean, and make sure the dogs are fed, I would have more time to do the things I need to do.
I talked to my mom about it, and she thinks it's a good idea, so I'm going to post some ads around town and see what I come up with.
Don't feel guilty, feel like you are getting healtier to be a better caretaker, then you won't feel selfish (not that you are being that way at ALL) But I know guilt can be such a hard feeling. Good Luck girl!
No reason to feel guilt! Yes, you DESERVE this for yourself! You feel that way because somewhere a long time ago, you made a decision that you "had" to help those other people. Dear xtrisaratops, there is NO WAY that a six-year-old should feel that they have to take care of anyone else! That's just an error. So you must unmake that decision, wherever it came from.
Do you have a counselor or other trusted person you could talk to about these issues? Someone outside your family? A school counselor, or a member of your church, perhaps? It might help to talk to someone. Even an older friend might be able to give you some insights.
You're doing great to want to make these changes! Welcome to 3FC! Hang with us, we'll encourage you as much as we can.
Check your church, if you attend one. They might have a program (or be able to direct you to one) where someone can come once a week or so and visit your grandma and help her out.
It also sounds like there are two households (your mom's and your grandma's) and four people to help run them (you, your mom, your dad, and your SiL). Maybe you and your mom can sit down with the other adults and divvy up some of the tasks for both households each week. Or you can help each other be more efficient in running both households (like making a crock-pot meal on the weekend, and taking some to grandma, rather than making a separate meal for her)
While it's a very good thing to be able to take care of a loved one, you also need to make time for yourself. Even if you don't "put yourself first", you still need to be able to list yourself in the top five priorities. Even just setting up an evening or two, or a couple of hours every few days when you are not available for household stuff would be a great start.
Talk to your family and get them involved in this discussion. They need to be part of this, too, so resentment doesn't get a chance to grow.
Sarah, so many of us feel guilty for taking the time to do what is best for ourselves. We are usually the nurturers who take care of everybody. This is how we define ourselves..."I am important in the lives of ....., because, without me, they would fall apart." But, who takes care of us? Eventually, we will fall apart under the burden of trying to be everything to everyone. The reality is that we are much better daughter's, Mom's, wives, sister's, friends, etc, when we are strong, healthy and happy.
*Please* google "elder services" and your city/state and look into help for your grandma. There absolutely *is* help for her and if through an agency can be *much* more affordable. Caregiving is very stressful on the caregiver and giving everything to everyone else leaves them exhausted and they often end up ill....and where does that leave those that are relying on them?
I think it is incredible that you have done so much for your family, but you are young and you should be enjoying yourself too. Look into assistance in your area. You will be amazed at how a little bit of help with these things will let you get a little bit of your own life back.
Don't feel guilty about putting yourself first. You deserve that!!
Everyone's given some great advice. I'm just here to you on. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment. The more you practice putting yourself & your feelings first, the less guilt you will feel. Just like losing weight, it will take time & patience.
Why do I feel so guilty?
There are many great people here who can really lift your spirits.
Secondly, You have to take care of yourself, or you would become co-dependent. Always taking care of others instead of yourself.I know the feeling of feeling guilty too. I have three boys and I don't cook them breakfast, instead I take that time to excercise early in the morning while they eat cereal and a piece of fruit. However, I do makeup the slack in the morning for a super dinner. Anyway, Please take good care of yourself. Have you considered getting outside help to free you?
you on. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment. The more you practice putting yourself & your feelings first, the less guilt you will feel. Just like losing weight, it will take time & patience.
