100 lb. Club - Why I am losing weight...

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10-09-2007, 06:13 PM
I have trouble with my eyes. The fat of my eyelids makes it hard for me to focus on someone for a long period of time. The fat makes them heavy.

I have lost my looks. My face is so fat, I have so many chins, that everything else is just lost.
My shape is round. When I look in the mirror, I am shocked at how big I am and that there is no hiding my weight anymore. I don’t look good no matter what the outfit looks like.
I am always by far the biggest person in the room.
For once, I’d like to live life without the “if I lose weight” annotation. I am tired of waiting to see what my life will be like, only to live day after day the same.
I would like to go back to being the positive person that I am. I am a bright ray of sunshine that is being hidden by lbs and lbs of flesh. I sparkle, but no one can see it because of the fat.
I am done with everything being hindered by the fat. I want life to be what it is, good or bad, without the fat.
For once, I am going to finish what I start
I want people to admire me for what I have accomplished (losing the weight), not pity me because I am still fat.
I don’t want the people closest to me to worry about losing me.
I don’t want to die and have people say, “well, she was so fat, you knew it was just a matter of time”
I am sick and tired of being…a failure…a quitter…fat
Leg cramps
I want to wrestle with my son and my husband
I want to live without the cloak of fear that my fat gives me.
I want my son to be able to jump in my lap and stay there. I don’t want him to have to get up because he is hurting Mommy.
I want to be able to sit on the floor and not cramp up. And then I want to be able to get off the floor with some dignity, not have to crawl to something that I can use to hang on to so I can get up.
Simple tasks are so hard..
a. Tying my shoes
b. Picking something up off the floor
c. Cleaning myself
d. Shopping
e. Walking
f. Going upstairs for something
g. Gardening
h. Sex
I want to be able to do the things that my weight prevents me from doing (Or if I do them, I am miserable)
a. Travel
b. The beach
c. Booths at restaurants
d. Amusement Rides
e. Baseball games
f. Hockey games
g. Riding in other people’s cars
h. Washing the car
i. Shopping
I want to be able to do my fair share, not have to do less because I can’t handle it.
I want to live to see my son grow up, graduate, get married, give me grandchildren.
I want to grow old with my husband and not have to have him be my caretaker because of my weight.
I want my family to be proud of me.
I want to be proud of me.
I want to feel light…small.
I want to feel my age, not 20 or 30 years older.
I want to TRY.
I want to be the Best me I can be
For once in my life, I want to be the inspiration, not the joke.

10-09-2007, 06:39 PM
Oh Sandi. As soon as I stop nodding my head in agreement with you and wipe away the tears, maybe then, just maybe I'll be able to type something half way coherent here.

That has got to be one of the most heartfelt, brutally honest things I have ever seen. I think I may have just fallen in love with you in fact. ;)

That is one print worthy post. And that's exactly what I'm going to do - I think everyone here should. What an incredible list and I swear to you, not too long ago, I could have written it word for word. To a T. But instead of that, today I was able to write a post in the goal section here. And not too long from now my dear, you can do the very same thing. And I have no doubt that you will. No doubt at all. I look forward to that immensely.


Shy Moment
10-09-2007, 06:46 PM
That was so wonderful. While I don't have as much weight to lose as some people do, I see myself in so much of what you said.

I don't recognize the person in the mirror

I just wanted to hide when I saw a picture of myself.

I don't go places because I am fat and I don't want anyone to see me

My husband thinks I am beautiful but I don't want him to look at me

My pretty face is lost in the middle of all the fat surrounding it.

While round is a shape lol, I don't want to be round.

I hate to shower because I hate to touch myself. I still shower lol.

I know I have to die someday but not because I am so over weight.

I want to go to the beach and not feel like I am being stared at

I want to go anywhere and buy clothes, not hunt for the big sizes.

I want to be healthy

These were some of my thoughts 24lbs ago. Things are better than they were then. They will be even better tomorrow.

10-09-2007, 06:56 PM
I so agree with all you wrote. I feel the same way.

And me, I just want to be able to clean my house in jeans and a t-shirt, like a normal person, and not have to sit down and rest exhausted after vacuuming one room.

TWENTY TWO pounds gone!
My Blog:

10-09-2007, 07:04 PM
Aw, Sandi. :hug: I don't think you're a failure. :no:

I will post mine later.

10-09-2007, 07:22 PM
Sandi, you speak for all of us. Thank you. :hug:

10-09-2007, 07:24 PM
Ditto, ditto, ditto! I can relate to every single thing you said.

10-09-2007, 07:33 PM
Gosh, I'm right there with you. Thank you Sandi for the honesty. You're not alone!

10-09-2007, 08:08 PM
Sandi, You are not a failure......... You are a work in progress!! You can do this! I believe in you!! cheryl

10-09-2007, 08:20 PM
Sandi - I've been thinking about you so much lately, and have even thought of posting a question about your progress, but hesitated because I didn't know if it would be welcomed. I have so much admiration for you - you are always here, always honest, always making this forum better. You say that your sparkle is hidden, but I'll testify that it's not hidden from us.

I LOVE your post. Robin is right about how motivating it is - I have printed it out, just as I printed out her post this morning. It is so brutally honest, and will help remind me of why this journey is so important. And, for some reason, I seem to need constant reminders.

Thanks for all that you do and all that you are. I was following your progress with so much excitement up until a week or two ago when you stopped posting about it. You are so committed to this - and I know that you WILL find the key that will make the difference. Then, I will have your goal post to print out and read along with Robin's and Lisa's.

10-09-2007, 08:39 PM
Thank you for such an honest, profound and heartfelt post, Sandi. You've expressed so eloquently what most, if not all, of us have gone through.

Whether you can accept it or not, you already ARE an inspiration for those of us here.

10-09-2007, 08:45 PM

10-09-2007, 09:57 PM
Hey Sandi - this one is DEFINITELY not true:

I would like to go back to being the positive person that I am. I am a bright ray of sunshine that is being hidden by lbs and lbs of flesh. I sparkle, but no one can see it because of the fat.

You do sparkle and I can see it easily. Your post was touching, I want this so much for you. You are definitely one of my favorite posters, if you want a diet buddy or someone to vent to or share recipes with or heck - call me on the phone if you need a pep talk to step away from an offplan food plan (or let you know if is okay), just PM me.


10-09-2007, 10:26 PM
My, the line about being failure just struck something in me. I have so often felt that my weight is concrete proof of how much of a failure I am.

We'll both get there.

10-09-2007, 10:31 PM
This is such an incredible post, not just because it speaks to and for ALL of us (we've been there or we are there now), but also because it's just another indication of what a wonderful person you are, Sandi. As the others have said, you DO sparkle. Your honesty and your willingness to share your feelings and your struggles here are so valuable to so many of us. You're an amazing, important part of this board, and this weight loss journey wouldn't be the same without you for ANY of us. We all want to be there for you just as you've been there for us. I want so much for you to make the changes that will give you a better life, because you deserve it so much. And you WILL make those changes. Robin said she could've written that same post a year ago, and I could've as well. Now I'm a different person, but I'm the same inside. And you'll get there too. But thank God you'll be the same person inside, because that's something that definitely doesn't need to change! :hug:

10-09-2007, 11:29 PM
Wow Sandi, I can feel the emotion of your post. And I can so relate to what you're feeling...I don't know exactly why everything clicked for me this year, but I lived through decades of the feelings you are describing. And, like everyone else has already said, I have to protest that you are a positive person and a ray of sunshine - your posts here have always shown it, and you just need to turn a little of that positive energy inward. :hug:

10-09-2007, 11:37 PM
I've never really seen a list of reasons to lose weight that touched my personal situation as closely as yours. Thank you, honestly and truly. I needed that. I needed to realize I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I'm glad I joined this site. Just being able to commiserate and cheer on people so much like me realizes that, well, yes....it is possible and I can do it.

10-09-2007, 11:44 PM
All I can say is.....me too.

10-10-2007, 12:20 AM
:hug: I could have written that myself 2 years ago. I know where you are. I was her. I'm not any more. I want to watch you reclaim your life!!

And I agree with the others about your sparkle!!!

10-10-2007, 01:38 AM
Thank you so much for posting this. Ive felt every one of these things!!

10-10-2007, 02:24 AM
i think this post touched all of us in one way or another .... sometimes its hard to admit the truth of the reason why were losing weight ...... you can do it .... you yourself listed all the motivations for doing it ! run after it because you have all the right reasons ..... you CAN DO IT , dont let another day pass you by without starting somekind of fitness routine ...... when you step on to the scale and see even 1 pound lost .... it makes you smile use those little things as the incentives to keep you going .... with some hard work and determination evreything is possible

10-10-2007, 07:07 AM
WOW! It is amazing that all of us who come from different walks of life and different areas of the world are really not so different after all!!

Sandy, you are going to make it. I have no doubt about it!! Your determination coupled with your wisdom is going to see you through! :hug:

Thank you for posting what I (maybe all of us) really wanted to say but didn't have the fortitude to really admit.

10-10-2007, 10:02 AM

I completely understand this post, as I have many of the same reasons myself. We'll get there!

10-10-2007, 10:14 AM

I know you can do this. I know it. You will find you way through this.

10-10-2007, 10:15 AM
:hug: Thanks so much you guys. Your responses brought tears to my eyes. You make me feel so special, so needed and so worthwhile. This really is the best place for support ever!

A few of you said I wasn't a failure, I thought "I never said I was a failure", and I had to go back and read what I said and sure enough, that's what I said. It's funny that sometimes we don't even hear ourselves. I think I have some negative internal dialog that I am not aware of. I am going to try and become more aware of my internal dialog so I can turn it around.

As I was reading different posts yesterday, I realized that I need to find a way to make this the most important thing in my life. So I started my list. I printed it off, laminated it and hung it on my fridge. I have one here at work too.

Today is NOT a good day to start again.
1. I have a cold
2. Sunday is Jacob's Birthday party
3. All next week I am on vacation with my foodie husband.
4. Next week we are going to covered bridge

But I am a logical person and when faced with a decision, I usually make a pros and cons list. Looks like there are 29 items on my pros list and only 4 on my cons, so that's that.

Plus, TOO DAMN BAD! There will never be a good time or day to start this. This needs to be for life and there will always be another vacation, holiday, celebration or illness. I cannot and will not wait.

I am starting on a WEDNESDAY...today...at 343.8 lbs. That's a new high for me. I have had a lot of new highs this year.

I have all the tools I need to have a successful journey, I just need to start (today) and be consistent. I think I will start chiming in on the "one reason" thread daily. Maybe that will help me be more consistent.

10-10-2007, 11:38 AM
That´s great Sandi. START TODAY. It´s what it says on my desktop and on the wallpaper of my cell phone since sometimes I feel like I always have to start again.

We are here for you, so even you are extra busy, start today!

Good luck!

10-10-2007, 11:49 AM
Sandi - I was so touched by your list. I actually don't know what else to say because what you wrote says so much.

10-10-2007, 12:54 PM
Dear dear Sandi,

I will share my personal rule with you. I allow myself one "reason" to not do something. Anything over that and they are labelled excuses.

This may sound wierd to everyone else. I can respect a reason, and overcome a reason. A list of reasons to NOT do something is way overwhelming, so that's why I then label them excuses.

How many on your list of 4 are valid reasons, and how many might be excuses? This kind of self evaluation always helps me kick excuses in the teeth and recognize them for what they are.

So (by my rule!) you may have one valid reason to procrastinate....the rest are excuses. Ignore the excuses, evaluate the single reason you might procrastinate, and find a way around it.

Blast those excuses out of your psyche. Don't give them any power over you. Don't let them nag at you.

I am very proud of you!

And good luck!!!!

10-10-2007, 12:55 PM
Good luck Sandi! You can do it!

10-10-2007, 01:15 PM
Another one saying, YES, I relate, I am crying and touched and inspired and I love the courage it takes for you to share it with us. You're amazing! :hug:

10-10-2007, 01:16 PM
I recommend angel's food cake, cool whip and freshly cut strawberries for Jacob's birthday cake. You CAN do this. Everyone of us who lost weight - we could have written an "excuses" list exactly like yours. Everyone of us face temptations, social events, birthdays, baby showers, friends ordering pizza, friends wanting to go out for margaritas, depression, celebrations - everything social around us that touches food.

I was recently writing to a friend and I told her the two toughest things for me were:

1. Realizing that I don't have to eat food just because it's in front of me.
2. Dealing with the social aspects of food.

On a normal day to day, when I plan meals everyday, grocery shop, pack lunches, cook dinner, food journal - I am nearly 100% onplan. I plan stuff I like, so it doesn't seem like a hardship, it is perfectly okay, I look forward to and enjoy everything I eat. It is the "surprise" food that is endlessly a challenge for me. Show up to a work meeting and they have a huge buffet table of finger foods. Go out with friends and get hit with a basket of chips and bean dip. Go to a baby shower and have to stare down a yummy frosted cake with ice cream.

It never ends, dealing with temptations, exactly as you describe in your excuse list is one of the huge challenges to successfully losing weight and keeping it off forever. Tackle each one separately, create threads and we can all offer advice/suggestions/tips to manage each event.

10-10-2007, 01:43 PM
Wow - you guys are really full of great advice!

I really like the idea about getting 1 reason and the rest are excuses. That's pretty awesome, and REALLY true. Why on earth would I not be on plan today because of something that is happening in the future. That is just an excuse. It's also assuming that I can't do this (or won't stay on plan during the events). I think I need to start believing that I can do this.

Glory - Maybe I could have 2 cakes. A 9 x 13 real cake for the birthday boy and his dad and guests and a yummy angel food cake for me. No one will know why I have 2 - they will just think I made extra desserts.

I too am fine when left up to my normal routine, but then events and social food kill me. I have dinner with my mom every Thursday and usually that will throw me.

:hug: Love you guys!! So far so good today! :D

10-10-2007, 02:11 PM
Sandi - I knew better than to read your post at work. Its like you were in my head only earlier this year. I am all welled up...I know how you feel!

As far as not starting today.... Only you can make that decision, but life always gets in the way. There will always be one social event or another. I have jist tried to figure out ways of dealing with them Before starting a healthier lifestyle I would have just stayed home. I don't now. Life is too short. If there is going to be desserts at an event, I bring something low cal to share. The hostess is thrilled that you are so thoughtful and you can stay OP if you so choose.

You CAN do this Sandi. :hug:

10-10-2007, 02:12 PM
Sandy -- you are "every dieter"!!! I think we have all felt the same way. It's so difficult to look from the bottom of the hill at the battle there is to come but the alternative to me is to continue to gain and I can't do that either. I weighed on Monday exactly what I weighed the day I delivered my second son, what a jolt that was!!

So, I'm trying to learn to enjoy the "occasions" and not the food. Birthdays, parties, just hanging around the house, etc. are supposed to be about the joy you receive from the experience and mine especially is about watching my kids learn, grow and enjoy life. I'm ready to enjoy life again too. Food has never allowed that to me. It hasn't been a friend, but an enemy. It's time to put it in its place -- just like breathing, food is there to serve a purpose, to maintain our body in a healthy way, not to fill a void, comfort, etc.

Somewhere I read -- eat to live, not live to eat and I like that. I'm learning to fill the spaces that used to lead to binges with worthwhile activities that bring joy or a sense of accomplishment to me -- even if it's just playing legos for 10 minutes with my son or getting a little housework done (yuck!!)

You can do this -- there are so many people on here who have -- so we know it isn't impossible.

10-10-2007, 02:37 PM
My daughters birthday is coming up next week. She'll be 18. We don't have a party planned, she'll probably do something with her friends later in the evening. Her birthday falls out on a Friday.

Even though she'll be going out with friends, we will still celebrate a bit here at home first. I've already baked cupcakes and froze them. Since it will only be 4 of us, and I'm not eating any, I will pull 3 cupcakes out of the freezer and stick a candle in hers, sing to her, she'll make her wish and that will be that. I will also make some sugar free jello and happily munch on that.

I know it doesn't seem possible to do without cake on an occasion, but it is possible and it is worth it. I try not to look at it as saying no to cake. I look at it as I am saying yes to a better life. Especially when I was in the losing portion of my journey. I looked at it as avoiding that cake, would take me one step closer to being out of my misery. Saying no to that cake would get me one step closer to my goals and my dreams. Eating that cake lasts such a short time, it is rarely worth it.

Like everyone said, there are ALWAYS going to be special days. And they come up so darn frequently, there's no way to avoid them for very long. Which is why we have to learn to deal with them in a healthy manner. At social events, I try to always keep a glass of diet soda in my hand or seltzer. It does wonders. And there's almost always cut up vegetables around. Nibble at those. Chew gum. Most importantly remember just how badly you want to be thin and fit and healthy. Always keep it in mind. The very forefront of your mind. Always be aware of it.

I'm sure those Thursday nights with your mom are incredibly special. But if they're doing you in, perhaps you should rethink them. Go to a different restaurant. Order something light. Baked fish or chicken. An undressed salad. Drink lots of water. Spend the meal enjoying Mom's company.

I know exactly where you are coming from. EXACTLY. And that's why I know for sure that you CAN turn this around. I know if for sure. :hug:

10-10-2007, 02:37 PM
Glory - Maybe I could have 2 cakes. A 9 x 13 real cake for the birthday boy and his dad and guests and a yummy angel food cake for me. No one will know why I have 2 - they will just think I made extra desserts.

I too am fine when left up to my normal routine, but then events and social food kill me. I have dinner with my mom every Thursday and usually that will throw me.

If angel food cake is yummy, why shouldn't your son and husband have the healthy version too? You can stick candles in it!

As far as dinner with your mom - is it your house, her house, a restaurant? If it's at your house, that's easy - make whatever healthy food you want. If it's at her house, volunteer to bring a healthy dish, have a taste of whatever she made (praise it to the skies) but fill your plate with your healthy food. If it's a restaurant - YOU PICK. There are tons of restaurants where you can order healthy, delicious stuff. P.F. Chang's is a good choice (for example) all their nutrition info is online and it's easy to get the healthy scallops, sauteed spinach and some brown rice. Plenty of food for 2 healthy meals (lunch the next day made EASY). Does dinner with your mom throw you or do you LET IT throw you?

10-10-2007, 02:50 PM
Sandi -- any chance you and your mom would enjoy making a meal for the two of you together? Or a suggestion -- a group of my friends and I have started "Dinner with friends" once a month, the host has it at their house -- they cook the "main dish" and the rest of us bring the desserts, side dishes, drinks etc. Maybe you and your mom could work off of something like that. Or, trade dinner out with her for a movie, a walk, a coffee shop visit, window shopping, etc. I'm sure you would do anything for your happiness and if skipping the big dinner out is what it takes, she would be supportive. It's about the time you two get to spend together. I know our larger book stores here have a coffee shop and a relaxing area to chat.

10-10-2007, 04:31 PM
Sandi--make sure you send Jacob's cake home with people, so it won't be there to tempt you. As for dinner with your mom, stick to a healthy salad? Share something?

10-11-2007, 03:16 AM
Cupcakes!! That's what I did for my 6 year old son's b-day. I made cupcakes and icing and I let the kids ice their own cupcakes and decorate them with sprinkles etc. It went over extremely well. Whatever was left over went into the trash.

10-12-2007, 12:05 PM
UPDATE: Day 3 and still going strong. I am really trying to focus on the positive and decided that next week on vacation, I am going to take advantage of the extra time and workout for a change! :)

Thanks you guys! :hug:

10-12-2007, 01:43 PM
Sandi -- I'm on day four -- just keep remembering how great you feel today and how HORRIBLE you felt four days ago!! You are doing a great job.

10-22-2007, 03:10 PM
Ohhhh...my sweet Sandi

Just sent you a PM...you know how I feel...more than anybody else I think.
Every word you wrote has been heavy on my mind latley...they are an exact description of how I am feeling.


10-22-2007, 03:34 PM
Sandi - Ever since I saw your new avatar this morning, I have been wanting to post about it, but didn't feel right doing it in threads about other things, and wasn't sure I wanted to start a thread specifically about that.

So, here's my chance! Sandi - I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your picture! You look so bright and happy. Others posted about how beautiful you were, but I had never seen a picture, so I just had to take their words. Which, of course, would have been acceptable - 'cuz they hadn't lied to me before. But I love that I, too, can now say that you are simply gorgeous!

10-22-2007, 03:49 PM
I wholeheartedly agree :)

You still sparkle..your eyes are full of love and your smile always warms my heart!

I'm feeling the need to update my avatar, because I feel it's a big lie. That pic is from the last time I succeeded, and is my recent low weight (60 pounds ago :blush: :cry:).

In fact, I'm going to do that right now.


10-22-2007, 04:05 PM
More Sandi love here! You are a WONDERFUL PERSON who DESERVES the best of everything in life!

10-22-2007, 06:42 PM
That was a very beautiful post, Sandi. You'll do it this time.