General chatter - Am I being sensitive?

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10-04-2007, 03:17 PM
I'm the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. She lives in St. Louis and I live in Chicago. Last month I threw her bridal shower in Southern Illinois - about a 1/2 hour from St. Louis. Most of her family is from southern Illinois and about an hour south of the bridal shower location.

I worked with a bridesmaid, we'll call her "Bridesmaid A", who lives in the general area of where we had the shower in finding the location. She was able to do a lot of the legwork because of where she lived. I worked with another bridesmaid living in CA and asked her to put together the invitations. The sister of the groom is a bridesmaid, but I was told she is broke and could not participate in any way. I did eventually get her to bring some balloons. The other 3 brides maids are all under 20 and I was told their mother had already paid for three bridesmaid dresses and she could not afford to pitch in for the shower. I did ask her to supply some door prizes and asked her girls to come up with a couple easy games.

The mother of the bride "MOB" asked to help out with the costs because she knew I had a lot of payment restrictions. She also requested to bring a cake (the restaurant charged $1 per plate if we brought our own cake which she also offered to pay).


The total of the restaurant and food was $340. "Bridesmaid A" and I split it on our credit cards at $170 each. The MOB then asked us how much she owed and I told her to give "Bridesmaid A" $70. I didn't feel the MOB should pay anything but she insisted and wanted to cut it even, which I really didn't think was fair.

This was the cost break down:

Amber: $170 + cost of some decoration ($60), but I did that to myself
"Bridesmaid A": $100 (I'm told she also had to work on a budget and couldn't really spend more than $100.)
MOB: $70 + cost of cake
Mother of 3 under 20 bridesmaids: $80 in prizes!!!! (She went out of her way. I didn't expect her to spend so much in prizes, especially since I was told not to have her pay very much.)
CA Bridesmaid: $100 in invitations & stamps, etc.
Sister of Groom: $15??? I don't know how much balloons cost.

Now, I don't want to go cause a fit about how I paid much more than everyone else, especially when I'm sure the MOB spent the second most. And, she's my best friend and she deservers a nice shower so I didn't say anything to anyone.

BUT, at the end of the shower "Bridesmaid A" got together with mother of 3 discussing the bachelorette party. We all stood around and talked about a weekend that we could all make it. I offered to take a Friday off of work and come down since it seemed one of the girls didn't have any Saturdays free. My sisters and mom were already out in the car waiting for me and we weren't getting anywhere on a day that was free. So, I told them to find a day they were all free and then get in touch with me and we'd go from there.

Well, a week ago the bride called me and gave me a choice between two weekends. One being this upcoming weekend and the other being November 3rd. I told her November 3rd sounded good because I couldn't imagine planning the party on such short notice. She told me that was good because her friend, we'll call her "FRIEND", not a bridesmaid, couldn't make any other weekend, but she didn't want to influence my decision. Well, I was about to walk into an appointment so I told her (bride) I'd call her back. After my appointment I called her back and left a message, but I haven't heard from her since. I was hoping to discuss what she wanted to do for her party before making any definite plans and getting in touch with the other girls. Now, granted, I should have called her again since then, but we're both busy people and we always talk once a week as it is. I figured I had time to get in touch with her and still plan the party.

Today I get an evite from FRIEND and "Bridesmaid A". They've planned the entire bachelorette party. Neither of them even spoke to me about it. Am I wrong to be upset about this? I feel like FRIEND overstepped her boundaries and Bridesmaid A knew I wanted to be involved because I told her to email me once she found a weekend everyone was free. I guess I wasn't proactive enough?

AND, I feel like letting "Bridesmaid A" and FRIEND know that I don't plan on participating in the payment of this party. I mean, I didn't even organize any of it. PLUS, I paid so much at the shower. I also bought a dress, am buying shoes, have to pay to have my nails and hair done. PLUS, I'm driving over 12 hours two weekends in a row for this event. (The party and then the actual wedding.) Plus, I have to pay to get my dress altered. Plus, I have to buy the wedding gift.

To top it off, my boyfriend sheepishly reminded me that November 3rd is our 1 year anniversary. Now, that's not the biggest deal - we're not married or anything - but I do feel bad that I'll be missing it. AND, it's a pretty big deal to him. If I hadn't been told that FRIEND could only make that weekend, I would've asked for a reschedule.

At the same time, it's my best friend's happy day and I don't want to rain on it. She doesn't deserve any drama about something so silly. So, I should just help pay my part of this and suck it up. I know that. But, I'm upset. Is that wrong of me?

10-04-2007, 03:41 PM
This is why I got married in Las Vegas. No matter how much people try to do the right thing, somebody ends up hurt.

I think you're being overly sensitive. Just because you're the maid of honor doesn't mean you are running the show, especially if you're out of town. It sounds like the bride was very involved in the planning of the bachlorette party and that's fine; it's her day.

Is it also possible that since Bridesmaid "A" did so much of the legwork for the shower that she may not have the same view of how much you put towards the planning? It does kind of sound like you mostly delegated and "A" may not have felt like she needed your input on the weekend when she was going to do all the running around anyway.

If you can afford to split stuff then split it. The important thing is that your friend have a great wedding. If the money is an issue then talk to Bridesmaid "A" and tell her you can't really afford to help since you put so much cash into the shower. Either way, do it with a smile and a good attitude and make life easier for your friend on an already stressful day.

10-04-2007, 03:55 PM
Hi Amberelise,

Well, planning (and unfortunately in my eyes, footing increasing cost) the showers and bachelorette party are traditionally the maid of honor's job. I would assume the best of these women. Perhaps they just didn't realize how much you wanted to do it. After all, November is not that far off, and maybe they figured that since you planned the shower they would help you with the bachelorette party. At this point, what's done is done. A polite "I didn't realize you ladies would take on so much of this yourself. Please tell me what else I can help you with" can let them know you'd like to help with the rest.

As to your boyfriend, it does seem like you can't change the date of the bachelorette party, and you say the anniversary is a big deal to him. Let him know that it is a special day for you, too. Perhaps you could do something nice early in the day, before the bachelorette party (romantic breakfast, or breakfast in bed?) and make plans to celebrate the next night. I was out of town for work for both my 1- and 2- year anniversaries with my boyfriend. It was an important occasion for us, but we made the best of it and just celebrated when I was in town.

Weddings can be stressful, but remember that they're also a lot of fun. :) I don't think it's worth getting upset over. I'm sure everyone involved had good intentions.

10-04-2007, 03:56 PM
I am so glad to be past wedding season (my last wedding was in June)

Short answer...yes and no...kinda, but not really.

Look at it this way, maybe the birdesmaid A and the friend got together over coffee a (maybe even with the bride) and in just talking about it, managed to plan the whole thing. Bachelorette parties are (or at least can be)much more laid back than bridal showers and don't require as much planning or funding as a shower either.
So I think that if they aren't expecting you to pay (and since you weren't included in the planning and haven't been asked to pony up some cash yet I would assume they aren't) and sice you paid so much more for the shower, it sounds like you get to just show up and enjoy the party they planned.

And don't planning is an estrogen rich will make the best of us over sensitive.

10-04-2007, 03:59 PM
I just went through this with a friend getting married. I was a bridesmaid and I pretty much planned her bachlorette party, but I kept in contact with the maid of honor. She lived out of town and we were throwing the party where I lived so I took it upon myself to plan it. I personally would suck it up and pitch in whatever they ask for. If they don't ask for any money up front then I would just pay for drinks that night or something. I know you're the maid of honor, but you already did a lot for her bridal shower and maybe bridesmaid a and friend wanted to help out in some way. I would just keep quiet about how you're feeling and remember that it's you best friend's wedding and it's all about her. Don't feel bad, just have fun with her at the party and pitch in if you can. Weddings are so darn expensive!

10-04-2007, 04:24 PM
Bridesmaid dramas: reason #389 not to get married.

Just go, enjoy the party, and do the best you can to give your friend a flawless wedding celebration. If that includes forgiving and forgetting the slights, real or imagined, by her other friends, so be it.

If it helps, just think of this: in ten years you'll be lucky if you still remember who the other bridesmaids were, let alone who paid what for which portion of the celebration.

10-04-2007, 04:57 PM
No, you guys are right. I'll just go and have fun and shut up about it. Maybe they did just want to help out.

Thank you.

10-04-2007, 05:22 PM
Hey Amber,
I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to say good luck and have a GREAT time!
I was married 30 years ago when costs were not astronomical and we were all so young, we just kind of winged it. We didn't even HAVE bachelorette parties back then! :rofl: I did have 3 showers and whether there were problems or not I wasn't aware of any.
I think the whole cost of the wedding, showers and everything was only around 2 grand.
Things surely have changed haven't they?

10-04-2007, 05:32 PM
Amberlise: Here's a story for you! I paid for my bachelorette party. My Maid of Honor is on disability for her kidney problems and couldn't pitch in at the time. The other attendants (aside from my sisters, who didn't attend the party for religious reasons), reasoned that if she didn't have to pay, they wouldn't pay. So, I was stuck with the $800+ bill at the end of the weekend. It turned into an argument at the end of the night that ended with me and MOH in tears and me just washing my hands of the matter and handing over my "wedding account" ATM card. I actually had to return my dream dress and get a cheaper one to cover the cost. I never asked for a particular type of party or took any place in the plans. I just told them the weekends I was available. Since then, some have come to me and apologized, and my Maid of Honor even tried to give me her Christmas money that year to make amends, but one attendant felt there was nothing wrong with what she did. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her since she left the reception.

The other thing was, that MOH and I weren't drinkers, so she pushed for a spa weekend where the drinkers could have cocktails and it wouldn't be obvious that us non-drinkers weren't indulging. Well, the others won out. We ended up in raunchy bars with them hooking up with nasty guys while MOH and I sat at the bar drinking water. Not fun. She really did know me best and should have had the final word. Old movies, facials, and good conversation would have been ideal for me and she knew it!

I feel for you in your situation. I know that, no matter where I live, I will want to be a big part of the planning for my best friend's wedding (the one with the kidney problem). It would devastate me to be left out completely. I think you're doing the right thing by just sucking it up and going. The bride may never know what's going on, but that's best, and she would thank you a million times for it if she did know.

10-04-2007, 05:50 PM
Oh, that's sad. I'm so sorry it turned out that way for you! Everyone's right, planning weddings these days can be so ridiculous. I would glady elope if it didn't mean everyone's feelings would be hurt from it. It's a lose lose situation.

The good news is being in this wedding has really got me working on the weight loss. I don't want to be heavy in her wedding photos! BUT, my dress is now a little big. How much in advance shoudl I go get my alterations?

10-04-2007, 06:05 PM
I had my last fitting the Friday prior to my wedding, and it still needed alterations. It was expensive, but it can be done. I picked my dress up on the following Thursday and our wedding was Friday. Also, since I'm assuming your Maid of Honor dress isn't as elaborate as my wedding dress, it would probably be easier and cheaper than mine was. I just did my best to build a good rapport with the manager of the alteration department. (I bought my dress from a national chain).

10-04-2007, 10:16 PM
it makes me glad i did what i did...i told my family/ showers and as for the bachelorette party...all i said was meet on x date at x time and lets have some fun. And everyone just paid for their own drinks and food. I hate all the drama that goes about with a wedding. Heck i didn't do the eloping in vegas...but i had a small wedding with family only...i never experienced one moment of stress. I think in today's society everyone makes way too big of a deal about getting married..bettween the 20 some odd party before the big event.

10-04-2007, 10:56 PM
I'm so glad I'm married and that junk is all done, I feel for you -- having paid for almost everything for my friend's shower/wedding stuff when I was maid of honor almost 20 years ago -- so when they got divorced less than a year later, I almost wanted to ask for a refund!!

If this is okay, check out this website -- it puts everything into perspective -- there are some amazing horror stories on here!!!