100 lb. Club - Shouldn't I be happier?




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starzzy
09-30-2007, 12:14 AM
Today I went to a local Octoberfest celebration. I was sitting on a park bench facing a large window and I saw my reflection. I look different. Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in the same place...and after seeing my reflection at that time, I was disgusted with myself.

Shouldn't I be happier that I look so much smaller? :?:

When I got home, I decided to try on two sweaters that my friend's mom had given me last year (which were WAY too small a year ago). I tried them on...and they fit perfectly. Shouldn't I be happier about this too?

My mom has not said much about my weight loss. My sister had gastric bypass surgery, and my mother praises her weight loss. It is basically all that she talks about when I call her. Yet, I did this totally on my own, and my mother still makes remarks about my weight...that I wear "chubby sizes", and that I am just as large as this person or that person, that I have the same belly as my father, etc. She says these things in a playful manner, but it bothers me because I have tried SOOOO hard at this.

My mother is overweight, but not obese. However, deep down I do not think that she wants both my sister AND me to lose weight. I think that she wants at least one of her 3 daughters to weigh more than her...as strange as this sounds. It is hurtful, and I am just trying to understand her.

I would just like her to tell me that I look nice and that she has seen progress. My boyfriend does not seem to want me to lose weight (he is a bigger guy) so this doesn't help matters either. Luckily other people in my life are supportive...but I still feel like I am being compared to my sister at times.

I can not compete with someone who had gastric bypass. I see it as impossible. I want to do this on my own, but I feel like I need the support of those who I care about the most.

I do not mean to sit here and vent, but it just feels better to type it for some reason! I am sure that other people have experienced issues with mothers (or someone else) pretending either not to notice, or just simply not being supportive.


lmills730
09-30-2007, 12:26 AM
starzzy....
I am sorry your mom is making you feel this way :( I can't say I have the same experience with my parents because they have both been doing Weight Watchers for about 3 years now and are very good at celebrating my successes and asking how I am doing every week.
However, in regards to the bf...my bf is very thin without trying and when i first made the commitment to start losing weight he made a lot of comments about how he loves my body just the way it is and how he doesnt want me to lose weight and how I didn't need to...blah blah. All of his negative comments towards weight loss really discouraged me so i decided to sit down and have a talk with him about it. I explained to him that i wasnt doing this for him or anything else, but that i wasnt happy with myself and didnt he want me to be happy? He was shocked that it had hurt me when he was really just trying to get across to me that he loved me and thought i was beautiful just the way i was. Now he is very supportive and helps me think up new recipes for dinner each night.
Do you think you could sit down and have a serious conversation with your mom or boyfriend about this (dont know if u have yet or not...)
Since you said that your bf is a bigger guy, it could be that he is worried that if you become slim you will not want him but want a thinner guy to go with your new body. Is there any way you can convey to him that this is not the case?
Good luck, i know how hard this can be without the support of loved ones!

Lovely
09-30-2007, 12:58 AM
First of all, you have done an amazing job so far. (Whewt, you!) Regardless of what anyone else is saying I hope you can take a deep breath and realize that you're doing this for yourself, and that you're doing it well :)

About the boyfriend, I agree with lmills. It's most likely that he's a little scared that you'll either want him to lose weight for you, or that you'll start looking around for someone thinner. It's a good idea to have a straightforward talk with him to reassure him that you are losing weight for yourself, not to hurt or abandon him. Then you tell him that it hurts and discourages you when you don't feel that he is supporting you in your weight loss.

About your mother, is it possible that your mom only talks about your weight loss to your other sister? Maybe she feels that she's only sharing news with you about your sister. Of course it is quite possible that she does want someone in the family to be the "chubby" one other than her.

The next time she starts singing your sister's praises you could always say "Mom, I'm so happy for my sister that she's lost so much weight and become healthier, but I'm not sure that you've noticed that I've lost a lot, too. I've worked and am working very hard to lose weight, and I sometimes wish that you would say something nice about what I've done. It would be so encouraging to hear you say something positive about what I've accomplished."

If when she makes one of those hurtful remarks I suggest "Mom, I know you love me and only mean those things you say in a playful sort of way, but they actually hurt me. I've worked hard to lose weight, and it makes me sad that you think of me in those ways."

We all need venting >.< And it must be very difficult at times to see that two important people to you aren't being as supportive as they could be. And they may never be as supportive as you wish, but don't let it keep you down. You're doing something great for yourself, be proud! :hug:

:cheer:


maryblu
09-30-2007, 01:19 AM
Starzzy,

I will never understand that dynamic between a mother and a daughter, but believe me, I have tried. I only have a son, but I have studied the dynamic between my mother and me, and between my mother and my sister, and between mothers and daughters of so many of my friends.

I do know, because I have seen/experienced several phenomena....one is the competition thing........of weighing more/less than........the other is that thing of living vicariously through the child thing...I have seen ALOT of that...so much of that parental praise/pride thing is really living/reliving through the child.....

All that said, a previous post gave some great advice on how to approach it with your mom..even gave some great phrases to use....why not put it out on the table? What is there to lose? Why do we spend so much time wondering? Why not just put our feelings out there and ask the question? If we can't do it with our mother, than with whom can we be comfortable in doing it?

Good luck, and oh, by the way.........GREAT DAMN JOB ON THE WT. LOSS!!!!

rockinrobin
09-30-2007, 06:40 AM
You have MUCH to be proud of. Losing even one single pound is not an easy feat. And you have lost 70 of them. Congratulations!

You've definitely got a tough situation on your hands and for that I am very sorry. I am sorry that you have to feel like you are in competition with your sister or any one else for that matter. That's just not the way it's supposed to be. Your mom is wrong. I'm sure she means well, but she's WAAAY off the mark. I agree wholeheartedly about having a talk with her. I would bring it up at a neuteral time. When weight loss is not the topic. And then by all means, Faerie gives you some great things to say to your mom.

You've also recieved great advice as far as your BF goes as well. This must seem to scary to him. But reassure him that you are doing this first and foremost to improve your health. And that nothing else will change. And that you really could use and would appreciate his support.

It would be really, really nice to have a great support system around you. But unfortunately the bottom line of weight loss, is that it is all up to you and you alone. I've always found that to be the case, and I do have a supportive family - to a limit. I have really found weight loss to be an extremely solo act. Thank goodness for 3FC. I can vent here, share my successes and my struggles. The people here can relate to me. Everyone here is interested in weight loss and everyone is out to help one another and support one another.

So, anytime and everytime you're looking for support or just to share - or just to vent, come right here. We're ALWAYS here for you.

Good luck talking to your mom and your BF. And I wish you continued success on the amazing job you are doing. Keep it up. :)

JayEll
09-30-2007, 08:44 AM
Hey! SoulBliss posted this article link in General Chatter--and I thought it had some great insights.

http://www.sdreader.com/php/cover.ph...=1&id=20070927

Jay

denialisnthappiness
09-30-2007, 08:47 AM
the link isn't working for me:(

JayEll
09-30-2007, 09:50 AM
Sorry--don't know why--unless it's because you're in UK. Try copying the link text and pasting it into your browser.

Jay

hellokitty81668
09-30-2007, 10:05 AM
Hi,
You have so much to be proud of!!! 70 lbs gone so far!!I am sorry you feel this way with your mom, and I understand how bad she is making you feel. I really would suggest you sit down and tell her how you feel, and be prepared that she may not understand or give you the response you deserve. If these people continute to make you feel bad, you may consider not having much contact with them, because they will just bring you down. You are doing this the natural way and should never be made to feel bad because you are doing something that requires so much more strength than doing a surgery.
Remember you Rock!!! and people can only make you feel inferior if you let them!!!
cheryl

denialisnthappiness
09-30-2007, 10:08 AM
hmm still not working. Maybe it is a UK thing. Oh well thanks for suggestion :)

Cassie501107
09-30-2007, 10:25 AM
The link isn't working for me either.

But! You do have so much to be proud of. I'm so sorry that you're not getting the support and credit that you rightly deserve. You are doing amazing things for your health! Your body is thanking you, your heart is thanking you, and it must have felt a little good putting on those sweaters that didn't fit, right?
:hug::hug::hug:

LaurieDawn
09-30-2007, 11:05 AM
Not much to add to what's already been said, other than to just echo that WE are so amazed at your accomplishment. We KNOW how hard it is, and have so much respect for what you're doing. Good luck with your mom and your boyfriend.

traci in training
09-30-2007, 12:50 PM
I think you're well on your way to finding some happiness just by realizing that your support system isn't very supportive. Everyone here has people who bring them down - whether they mean to or not - and we understand how difficult that is. You are welcome to my mother for a while - she can't talk to me on the phone without asking about my progress. Makes me crazy. Not hi, how are you, how was your day, but ARE YOU STILL LOSING??? No, ma, gained it all back plus three hundred pounds since day before yesterday! She means well, but jeez!

I guess I say what you have to do is remember you are losing the weight for you, not for anyone else, so find the satisfaction and happiness within yourself. Enjoy the reflection. Enjoy the smaller sizes. Enjoy the control you now have over your life.

mj5
09-30-2007, 12:58 PM
I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. I also want to say that you are doing a fantastic job!!! Keep up the great work!!! You WILL reach your goal!

Meg
09-30-2007, 01:13 PM
Try the link now: Being Fat Sucks (http://www.sdreader.com/php/cover.php?mode=article&showpg=1&id=20070927)

Well worth a read! :)

Trazey34
09-30-2007, 01:21 PM
ugh i didn't get half way thru that article, women like that make me ill -- the ones that are fat so they let guys bang them on the side -- no F'ING way!!! I always had way too much pride and self-respect to let myself become some dude's receptacle! yuck! maybe it was a good article in the end but it didn't resonate with me at all. I think I was the last girl in the world to wear white and meant it at the wedding LOL ;)

As for the problem at hand, you've heard so much great advice I don't have much to offer except "hey, even skinny chicks have an off day!" You don't have to feel awesome over the top every minute of every day, that's not normal LOL. That day you didn't feel great, another day you WILL feel great. I guess in the long run, hopefully the awesome days will far outweigh (sorry for the pun) the bad :) keep on truckin' !!!!

PS MEG!!! as IF you're standing in one leg of your old pants :O omg!!!! what a money shot!

Marseille
09-30-2007, 01:34 PM
I was going to spout some more of the same stuff, but then I got to thinking about the boyfriend situation. Think about your relationship. Has it changed since you started losing weight? Are other men paying you more attention? Have you changed the way you treat him? Are you dropping subtle (or not so subtle) hints to him that he should be losing weight too?

I am just curious if he has a valid reason for being that way. I know a lot of men become really insecure when it appears that their lady is moving in a different direction but it is entirely possible that his fears are really rooted in some truth.

As for mom, wow I don't know.. Sounds to me like she is jealous that you are doing it on your own. This is going to sound totally rude to anyone who has had gastric bypass but most people think of the surgery as just taking the easy way out. Mom doesn't have to be jealous of your sister because your sister didn't really "do anything" she just got the surgery and is now losing weight. You, on the other hand, have really accomplished something by being disciplined and hard working. Your mom knows inside that she would need to work really hard to achieve what you have and that it might not be possible for her, so it's harder for her to be happy about it. She's probably worried about what her friends will think (wow, your daughters look great, why aren't you doing what they are doing).

I don't know what the relationship is between you and your mom otherwise, but maybe you just need to leave her out of your support circle for awhile. If you talk to her about something else and she brings up your sister's weight loss, "remember" suddenly that you have something very important to do. You have tons of support here, you don't need to try to get it from someone who isn't interested in giving it.

I think you have done a terrific job. You and all these others here are a great inspiration as I start this so thank YOU for being there and for the great job you have done!!

JayEll
09-30-2007, 01:56 PM
Trazey34, the rest of the article does have some good insights.

Jay

kaplods
09-30-2007, 03:28 PM
Like Trazey34, I didn't read the article to the end. I realize that many people equate being fat with being and feeling worthless. So much so that a fat woman who doesn't feel that way, is sometimes treated as the freak. It's so unproductive, at least for me, that I refuse to indulge in it, even vicariously, for a moment. It literally sickens me to here a woman say that she "cannot" go swimming until she reaches a certain size. To even imply that a fat woman doesn't have a right to physical exercise in a public place because she might offend someone with her fatness, offends me deeply. So the implication that fat should or even can make a person a doormat especially sexually, just is too far off my offense-o-meter to tolerate. I feel pity for the woman, but with her viewpoint, she is not someone I am willing to seek insights from.

JayEll
09-30-2007, 03:39 PM
Reading an article by someone who does not share my values doesn't mean I have to change my values. Gosh, I'd be in a real mess! I mean, I have never been that woman's size, have never done those things sexually, and have never avoided swimming, etc. but I still found it interesting to read what she had to say. It's just one woman's view.

Of course, everyone is free to read it or not! :)

Jay

Lovely
09-30-2007, 04:04 PM
Try the link now: Being Fat Sucks (http://www.sdreader.com/php/cover.php?mode=article&showpg=1&id=20070927)

Well worth a read! :)

This really struck a chord with me, nearly brought me tears with certain similarities in thinking. Thank you for posting it.

Trazey34
09-30-2007, 04:18 PM
Like Trazey34, I didn't read the article to the end. I realize that many people equate being fat with being and feeling worthless. So much so that a fat woman who doesn't feel that way, is sometimes treated as the freak. It's so unproductive, at least for me, that I refuse to indulge in it, even vicariously, for a moment. It literally sickens me to here a woman say that she "cannot" go swimming until she reaches a certain size. To even imply that a fat woman doesn't have a right to physical exercise in a public place because she might offend someone with her fatness, offends me deeply. So the implication that fat should or even can make a person a doormat especially sexually, just is too far off my offense-o-meter to tolerate. I feel pity for the woman, but with her viewpoint, she is not someone I am willing to seek insights from.

wicked post! can i steal it and say i wrote it??? heheheh :carrot: I'm definitely stealing the "offense-o-meter" hahaha I love that :D And as much as I always tolerate other's opinions, you nailed it on the head with the "not willing to seek insights from"

to each his/her own of course! thank goodness there's a million different views able to be expressed at all times!

LaurieDawn
09-30-2007, 05:54 PM
This thread has been a little hijacked, but I couldn't help but replying.

I read the article as well, and was just as dismayed by Trazey and Colleen by the fact that the author allowed herself to be used as a sexual doormat (I wore white on my wedding day, too, Trazey!) and felt so intimidated about doing the physical exercise that would allow her to face the weight problem. But I do think that she had a lot of valuable things to say, so I am a little saddened that you considered her to be someone from whom you would not be willing to seek insight. I consider her to be incredibly brave. If her experience were my experience, I would find it very difficult to admit to it. Yet, I know that she is not the only one, and it struck me as courageous to be willing to be so naked in public in order to help others not feel so alone.

The ironic thing is, Colleen, that I so often agree with your viewpoint on the larger issue you bring up. I cringe whenever I hear the word "fat" paired with its almost inevitable companions: "and miserable," "and sad," "and depressed," etc. I refuse to believe that anyone is doomed to a life of misery if she is overweight, even if she stays overweight for the rest of her life. Yet, some of the people I admire most on 3FC talk about how miserable it made them to be overweight. Even though I disagree with the idea that the connection between fat and miserable is inevitable, I still find incredible inspiration and guidance in their insight. Why not so with this author?

So, there you go. My ugly little secret on full display. I find it impossible to stay off my soapbox.

rockinrobin
09-30-2007, 06:29 PM
LaurieDawn, yup, as you probably know I was one of those fat - and miserable people.

I did have some wonderful aspects to my life. My husband, my children, my family and friends, etc... But even wonderful experiences that I shared with those people, were greatly diminished by the fact that I was so overweight. It was always lurking in my brain. I couldn't escape from the fat. It was everywhere. In all my thoughts. For me, being fat DID go hand in hand with being sad, depressed and miserable.

Believe me, I am thrilled for anyone who could be as heavy as I was and still be a happy person. Thrilled. But that was not the case for me. I was worried ALL the time. I was horribly self conscious. I was embarassed. I was inactive. I was non-productive and non-energetic. Practically every part of every day was a nightmare. My quality of life was horrendous due directly to being overweight. I was not living to my full potential. And that is an absolute shame, a crime really.

I mean how could I not be miserable when I wasn't able to fit on rides in an amusement park? Or go horseback riding with my family? How could I not be miserable when I was worried to pieces about putting myself at added risks for sooo many deadly diseases? How could I not be miserable when I was forced to shop at a handful of overpriced, poor quality stores with a meager selection of clothing? How could I not be miserable when at a social event I wasn't able to stand for any length of time? Or walking up a flight of stairs was putting my life at risk? How could I not be miserable when I could barely fit into a booth at a restaurant? Or most normal sized chairs? And then what about the fear that I would break the chair if I was lucky enough to fit into it. How can anyone relax and be themselves when they are constantly worried about chairs? And dying? And leaving their children motherless? How? How could I not be miserable when I took up way more space then anyone else and was infringing on other peoples' space? How could I not be miserable by the fact that going clothes shopping with friends was out of the question? How? And I could of course go on and on. From where I stood, it did indeed, ummm, suck to be fat. And I was indeed - miserable.

LaurieDawn, I really appreciate how you can still take some insight from the author, though you don't necessarily agree with her. I always enjoy reading your posts - I find you quite - insightful. :)

kaplods
09-30-2007, 09:38 PM
I was just stating my position, not expecting to convert anyone. I've made a personal choice not to indulge in what I consider someone else's depravity. I won't be buying OJ's book either, even though the money is going to now go by court order to the Goldman family and not him.

This was actually a conscious decision on my part after reading the book "Diary of a Fat Housewife." The book made me feel filthy and disgusted with not just the author, but myself as well. It was one of the few books I've ever felt compelled to review on amazon.com. It just struch home how how depraved and counterproduct self-hatred is, especially when it's culturally supported. To me it's on par with reading the autobiography of a murderer, rapist, or child abuser who doesn't realize that they've done anything wrong. It just gives me the creeps.

kaplods
09-30-2007, 09:40 PM
Oh and Trazey34, I'm so flattered. Steal away. It's nice to know that although I may be a freak, I'll always have company.

kaplods
09-30-2007, 09:48 PM
Ok, sorry, but I have to add to my already overlong post, and mention that no matter how limited a life is, it doesn't have to be miserable. My dear father-in-law who just passed away 3 months ago was a case in point. He was not obese, but was in incredible pain and suffered so much for more than 1/3 of his life with MS, PAD, and kidney disease. If anyone had a right to be miserable, he certainly did. I don't know how I would deal with bed sores, finger tips rotting and falling off, a leg amputation, a failed kidney transplant, and daily dialysis. His love of God, family, and life (in that order) was such an inspiration to me in the short 5 years I knew him. He taught me that happiness is a choice no matter your circumstances.

LaurieDawn
10-01-2007, 12:27 AM
Colleen - I so respect you and your opinion, and I wasn't trying to change it. I was just respectfully disagreeing with your decision to ignore what she might have to say because you disagreed with some of her choices. I am afraid that I continue to disagree with your characterization of her, actually, when you compare her to O.J. Simpson. I believe that the behavior she describes was self-punishing, but I have never met anyone who doesn't engage in self-punishing behavior to some degree. In fact, I know that some of my weight issues stem from my inclination to self-punish with foods that I know hurt my body. But there's a long distance from her behavior and O.J.'s "alleged" behavior. I just think that there's a lot of room in the discussion for someone who's so willing to be honest about the struggles that many of us face.

kaplods
10-01-2007, 01:04 AM
LaurieDawn, I do see your point, and I agree that there is a large step between self-harm and intentionally harming others, but I really do believe that it is on the same spectrum, and a much smaller step than most people assume. I firmly believe that if you have no respect for yourself, your ability to love and respect others is hampered. My decision on where to draw the line may seem arbitrary, but it really took a lot of thought.

I've certainly known people, some are even family members and close friends who are either in still in that pool of dispair, or have come out the other side (not undamaged). And I have even learned a thing or two from them, so I do not believe the woman has nothing valid to say. For that matter, when I was a probation officer, I can't say that I have no compassion for, or have gained no insights from even child abusers, and other "deviants." It's just not where I choose to dwell.

I am not going to turn a friend away, or feel I am superior in any way to anyone in this pit, but I will do my best to show them that there is a way out of it. And just as if it where a real, physical pit, I will step around it when I can.

A good part of my feelings on this subject may be due my nature. I am extremely and overly empathetic, to such an extreme that when I hear, see, or read another person's experiences I feel them as if they were my own. For the most part, I've learned not to hurt myself emotionally, and I just can't bear to watch others be self-destructive. I can't even watch a person being embarrassed on television without feeling so uncomfortable that I have to change the channel after only a few seconds. So consider it squeamishness, if you will, but reading a long, detailed description of self-destruction, is literally like watching violent porn to me. It feels filthy and wrong on such a deep level that I am deeply offended by it.

I know that I am extremely biased on the subject, and not only because of my overly sensitive emotions. Being morbidly obese most of my life, and having such a hard time losing and keeping weight off, if I bought into 10% of the negative beliefs and emotions that fat girls are expected and even encouraged to have, I would have committed suicide by my early teens. I just hate seeing anyone so close to that self-destructive state, especially when they feel that they do not deserve better.

rockinrobin
10-01-2007, 06:59 AM
Ok, sorry, but I have to add to my already overlong post, and mention that no matter how limited a life is, it doesn't have to be miserable. My dear father-in-law who just passed away 3 months ago was a case in point. He was not obese, but was in incredible pain and suffered so much for more than 1/3 of his life with MS, PAD, and kidney disease. If anyone had a right to be miserable, he certainly did. I don't know how I would deal with bed sores, finger tips rotting and falling off, a leg amputation, a failed kidney transplant, and daily dialysis. His love of God, family, and life (in that order) was such an inspiration to me in the short 5 years I knew him. He taught me that happiness is a choice no matter your circumstances.

Ya know Kaploids, I'm not sure if I had the "right" to be miserable as you put it, but nevertheless - I WAS. Is misery something we actually need to earn a right for? I wasn't sure that was the case.

I'm so sorry your FIL had such terrible issures he had to deal with. But can you honestly tell me he wouldn't have been a happier person if he didn't have to deal with those issues? Would he not had a better quality of life had he not had to have daily dialysis? Would he not have been MORE productive had he not had bed sores? Would he not have been HAPPIER not having those things happen to him? That's all I'm trying to say. I didn't walk around letting every know I was miserable. I put up a heck of a good front. People have even said it to me, after the fact and I had discussed just how unhappy I had been - they said to me, "I never had a clue that you were so unhappy."

Happiness is a choice - you're darn tootin' it is - being fat made me unhappy - and I finally decided not to be fat AND unhappy anymore. I don't mean to be rude here, but I can now say that I have been on both sides of the fence - being morbidly obese and being at a healthy weight - and without a doubt I am finding more happiness being at a healthy weight - is that so hard to comprehend? :shrug:

Yup, I'll get off my soapbox -for now.

JayEll
10-01-2007, 08:27 AM
Hey everyone!

Colleen, you're guessing at what the rest of the article is about. It's not about self-destruction of the woman who wrote it. She does find a way out of the pit. It may not be the way everyone would take, but everyone has his or her own way.

Back to the original topic--oh yeah!-- ;) Being obese/oveweight is a complex issue on every level. The OP asked "Shouldn't I be happier?" Clearly from that question there's an expectation that one will feel a certain way after losing weight--and that expectation isn't necessarily reality. It may take a long time for the mind and emotions to "get used" to being different physically, especially if someone was overweight her or his whole life.

I know now that I was more miserable when I was obese than I had realized. I knew that I was unhappy with my weight/body, but I didn't fully understand just how hard daily life had become, because my weight gain was gradual. Now that I have a comparison, I'm amazed. And that was a point the article author made--about the trials of daily life, culminating in her having fallen.

Jay

kaplods
10-01-2007, 12:54 PM
JayElle,

With all due respect, I am not at all guessing what the rest of the article was about. I just chose not to explore it. If I start to read a book and don't like it by the third chapter, I stop. Sometimes friends will say "it gets better toward the end." Why would I want to read a 20 chapter book that doesn't get better (or even fantastic) until Chapter 12?

rockinrobin,

I did not mean by my post that you didn't have the right to be miserable. Anyone, with any degree of difficulty in their life could lay claim to that right, and many do. My point was actually the opposite - that noone has to be miserable. You did make a choice and a brave one, but for me, and I believe many people like me, choosing not to be miserable came before, not after losing weight.

As to the question about my FIL, I can only tell you what he told me, when I asked him the very same question. His answer surprised me. He told me that his father was a minister, and he went to seminary with the plans of following in his father's footsteps, but life had other plans for him. He didn't want to leave Wisconsin, and at the time, there wasn't a need for Lutheran pastors in the state. He became a college English instructor instead. While he was still able to walk, but seeing where his health and abilities were headed, he began to notice how little handicapped access their was in colleges. He and those he recruited from the other instructors, literally built the colleges handicapped student outreach. He donated his time and money and found others who would also to financial and physical support of handicapped students in the form of scholarships, wheelchairs, grant money...
In doing so, he found that many of the handicapped students were adults, coming to college late in life to retrain for a job because of their handicap. Their skills weren't on par, with 18 year olds coming out of HS, so he founded and taught in the adult skills program to bring these students up to speed. Then he noticed that some of these students had reading problems so severe that they were functionally illiterate, so he fought to add literacy programs to the adult skills program.

Well, I'm beginning to realize I could write a book on the man, and I probably should, but I shouldn't do it here, so I'll stop. His short answer to his question, is that he told me he didn't think he would be happier, just more oblivious to the depths of human suffering. He definitely didn't think he would be more productive, as he said he wasn't sure he would have left any legacy other than his children, if he had not known suffering so deeply.

My point wasn't to offend anyone, or criticize their choices, just that Al's inspriation has shown me that his life was a testamant in many ways. I had assumed that he had days of self-pity and abject misery that he hid from us, if so, he hid them from his wife as well. MIL said after his passing that he had maybe 3 "bad" days in 17 years. 3 days! Heck sometimes I have more than 3 in a week - but I have to remind myself that that is my choice. Everything I put in my mouth, is my choice, but also every thought and emotion. It's a big responsibility, and I will never live up to Al's example, but I'm working on it.

phantastica
10-01-2007, 01:17 PM
I read the article. I agree that it's blasphemous for an overweight woman to allow herself to fall into a disrespectful romantic/sexual pattern with men, but this woman DID change her behavior and was brave enough to admit her faulty logic in a public arena. For that, she deserves some respect. It was an excellent article.

Back to the original post - Starrzy, my family is like that too. Not about weight loss (my sister isn't overweight), but about every other area of life. When my sister got her job, my mother went around singing praises about how great her daughter is. When I got a job much better than her, my mom didn't congratulate me or sing praises of my greatness to anyone. That hurt, significantly. I learned then that I have to do things to impress myself, and I have to seek rewards, praise and approval from myself and a more reliable support system.

I think the deal with your BF is pretty common. Losing weight changes the dynamic of every friendship/relationship. Talking to him about it would probably be really good. Let us know how it pans out, if you do!

You are doing a phenomenal job! 70 pounds gone is a huge accomplishment!

pattygirl63
10-01-2007, 01:38 PM
Starzzy, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel because I went through this myself except it was my Daddy who was always bragging about what my younger sister was doing... losing weight, etc. I won't go into details. You've had a lot of good advice here so I won't add to it except to say that you are doing a TERRIFIC job and you should be soooo proud of yourself. I finally learned that I am doing the things I do even weight loss for me and my health and because I want to. It sounds selfish, but I am doing this for me... NO ONE ELSE. Many times the people you want to be pleased with your accomplishments are those around you that you love, but that I have found that usually is not the case. So I just want to put my two cents in and say YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB AND YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK GIRL. But please don't let those around you "rain on your parade". I did and I am in my 60s still fighting this battle. You don't have to do that. All of us here are on your side.

Talk to those around you if you wish, but KEEP ON KEEPING ON!!! You'll be so glad you did. Have a great day.

nylisa
10-01-2007, 03:44 PM
Starzzy, losing 70 lbs is awesome & hard work, congrats to you! And don't apologize for venting!! Venting is better than eating, that's what we're here for.

As for your mom, maybe it's just the results from surgery are so much instantly more noticeable than the slow & steady kind of stuff we're doing? Or has she favored your sister over you in the past in other areas?

As for the linked article, the bottom of page 2-3 really seems to pertain to some of the issues raised by Starrzy's initial post, such as this part about how everyone notices her partners weight loss, but not hers:

After six months of eating right and working out (with occasional wine, cheese, and chocolate lapses), I was down two more sizes. David and I attended a party to celebrate the completion of a building project in North Park. While there, an acquaintance said, "Wow, David, you're disappearing!" Ten minutes later, a friend we hadn't seen in months said, "David, you look fantastic!" Upon greeting us, five other people had similar reactions. During each encounter, I stood by David's side and waited for such a comment to be directed at me. Each time my expectation was dashed sharply, like the sting I get when I repeatedly rub my eyes after forgetting I have pepper on my fingers.

and this one about weightloss & competitive feelings.

My decision to change my lifestyle had a chilling effect on many of my relationships. While on the phone with a girlfriend, I said that I'd been working out and shedding pounds. "Well, that sucks," she said. "Who am I going to talk to when I'm gaining weight?" Suddenly, my vision cleared, and I wondered how many of my friends saw me as no more than a factor in the equation of their self-esteem.

I've been as low as 120lbs and as high as 250lbs. I remember once at 170lbs (on my way up to 250) not having anything to wear because all my clothes were too tight and lying to my friends about being sick because I couldn't face going out in those clothes. While my self-loathing wasn't as extreme as the author's I can relate. And the vicious cycle self loathing can cause. The self-loathing makes it harder to take the necessary action until the right set of circumstances brings you around. For me it was seeing 250 on a scale during a dr.'s appt. And I can relate to her fear of exercising in public. I know it's irrational and I've overcome it. But when I first started hitting the gym, it was a company gym where I worked. I was working out near a tv & people were laughing. A Seinfeld rerun was playing and my first instinct was to think they're laughing at me. I had to reassure myself, that it was Seinfeld they were laughing at, not me. Yeah, ideally, we'd never self-loathe. But for those of us who have issues with self-loathing, the only way to get through them is to face them. And I think the author did a pretty good, honest job of doing that. I'm glad she was able to share it and I thank Soul Bliss for initially posting it & JayEll for posting it here.

starzzy
10-03-2007, 09:16 AM
Thank you for all of your kind and thoughtful responses! It has just been so frustrating, but I know that I need to focus on doing this for myself. It is nice just to vent once and awhile. I am mostly a "lurker" on this site, but I do not think that I would have gotten this far if I had not joined!

GirlyGirlSebas
10-03-2007, 10:50 AM
Starzzy, you have done a marvelous job with this weight loss journey! I understand about needing support and confirmation from your Mom. My Dad and I have a similar relationship. No matter how old I get (I'm 43) I still have that little girl inside who really wants his approval. Talking with your Mom might help, but it very well might not. If she is like my Dad, she will have absolutely no idea why you're upset and will think its all in your head and you have a problem. Regarding your BF, sometimes the men in our life just need reassurance from us that improving our health and getting slim does not mean we will love them any less. Maybe he just needs a little extra attention these days?

You are doing great...keep going! This is for you and you're worth it!

Regarding the discussion about being happy while fat....I absolutely hate being fat! Yes, I have a beautiful family, a beautiful home and wonderful friends and neighbors. But, being fat for me means loss of stamina, painful knees, not being able to wear the styles that I love, being treated differently by others (fat prejudice is still very politically correct!:() and feeling less than sexy for my hubby! No, I don't think being slender will make me magically happy all of the time....but, I do think it will make life at least a bit more enjoyable.