I hate today. I really do. My wretched ex husband came over today "to see his daughter", so he said.. he really comes over to check on me. He always has some excuse why he needs to use my computer (so he can check my history) and he always seems to need to use my cell phone (so he can check who I have called). Last week he actually called one of the men on my cell phone and screamed at him for talking to "a married woman". It was my boss. Now he is sending me text messages about all these girls that he is sleeping around with, but he tells me that if I ever have a man in my apartment that he will send child services over because that would endangering the children. It is all I can do right now to not go to the kitchen and eat a whole bag of cheese cubes or a box of cereal. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!:cry:
09-24-2007, 11:06 PM
Oh, wow. He sounds like quite a character.:^:
Sorry you have to deal with that...I'd keep him OUT of your personal business. It's no longer any concern of his.:)
09-24-2007, 11:16 PM
Sounds like you need legal and emotional support! I am sure you don't really wish he had an STD (At least, I know that personally, I don't wish that on anyone, even those who hurt me immeasurably, including my former husband) but I can tell you are hurting!
Have you considered counseling? You deserve to have privacy, respect and security. A counselor may be able to help you find these things. :hug:
09-24-2007, 11:20 PM
When you know he is coming over wipe your computer history. You could always change all the guy names in your phone book to girl names...just don't forget who they are!
09-24-2007, 11:37 PM
You're divorced! Why do have to let him in the house at all? Meet him at the door and let him take your daughter out somewhere. And why let him use your cell phone? Those are courtesies to extend to people who respect you. He doesn't seem to qualify. Calling your boss and screaming at him really crosses the line.
But don't give him the satisfaction of shoving junk down your throat. It's kind of like carrying a hot coal in the palm of your hand, waiting for the chance to throw it at him. You might get that chance, but by the time you do, your hand will be really messed up. Think of how much better it will feel to show him how well you're doing without him - both mentally and physically! Leave the cheese and the cereal alone to show him that you are now in control of your own life - he no longer has power over you!
09-24-2007, 11:46 PM
I agree with LaurieDawn - he has no business being on your cell phone, on your computer, OR in your house. Tell him to go to the public library and use the computer there, and meet him in public for him to see his daughter.
So, he wants to "date", but he doesn't want you to be able to do it? It will be so empowering for you to establish and enforce some firm, respectful boundaries!
09-24-2007, 11:54 PM
I would agree that no matter what the "excuse," he has no right to use your phone or computer, or even enter your home if he refuses to be respectful. If you are afraid to refuse him, then you have issues that would warrant speaking with a domestic violence counselor. As for having men in your apartment, even in the most conservative areas, having "gentlemen callers" (at least if they're not spending the night, some very backward areas still will use that against you), is not grounds for calling social services. Unless he would lie about the man's background or behavior with the child (in which case, he could get into very hot water for filing a false complaint), it is unlikely that they would even investigate the call. You may even consider being proactive, and calling child services and explain your concerns about dating, because of your ex-husband threatening to call them. Keep a record of who you spoke to, the time and the date, and their response. This way, if he does try to file a complaint, there is already evidence that this was purely malicious behavior on his part.
I think you should probably seek counseling with someone experienced in domestic violence, anyway. Express all of these concerns with the counselor. The benefits are two-fold. One, you will be given helpful techniques to deal with him, and two, you will have someone documenting all of the threats, bizarre behavior, etc. if you ever have to go to court. Although keep a journal of these events also, and note anyone present who could act as a withness. The journal can also be used as evidence (courts are less willing to believe that you are making stuff up against him, if there is a journal documenting the events as they occur).
09-24-2007, 11:58 PM
Actually, those emails are also good evidence. Print them out, and keep a copy and send one to a friend or family member (or even in a safe-deposit box), and definitely never let him use your computer (if he would access child porn, and then call child social services and say he was concerned for your child because you were into child porn with or without men visiting the house, the evidence would be against you, not him. Since it would be on your computer, it wouldn't even be a matter of your word against his. If it's on your computer, it would be your crime, and you could even go to jail).
09-25-2007, 12:27 AM
I have notes a mile long on this bum.. once he left a voicemail implying that he had planted drugs in my house to get me put in jail.. I called the cops and they actually brought a dog over to check the place out and they documented that and even saved a copy of the voicemail (he isn't very bright). I had a temporary restraining order against him for a month because he assaulted me twice between Thanksgiving and New Year's eve last year but since he behaved himself for those 30 days, the judge found no reason to extend it. I want to get another TPO and use all this evidence of his harrassment to get this extended, but honestly, it's just such an enormous hassle to do it and besides, I really don't want to take his daughter away from him. She loves to spend time with her daddy and he is good with her. I really just try not to cause problems but I can see now, after re-reading what I wrote, that I am just allowing him to control my life STILL. That's why I left him!! I think I will be spending my day off tomorrow getting some control over this... I need to set up an appointment with the visitation center so we can do dropoffs/pickups there without having to see each other and he will then have no way to encroach on my personal space. Wow, this forum probably wasn't the place for this type of problem but it was either type this out or devour the contents of the fridge. At least I am identifying some of my triggers.
09-25-2007, 01:44 AM
I used to have a pain in the rear ex husband like this, I am sorry you are having to go through it too. Above all things, protect yourself and your child that is the most important thing. If you can find a way to keep him out of your house, that'd probably be a good thing too. I know from experience, sometimes it's hard to get these situations straightened out. Hopefully he'll find someone else to distract him and leave you alone.
I agree with the others, finding some domestic abuse counseling might be a big help as well. Controlling men should have to wear a neon sign over their heads to warn us :) They're so good at hiding that character flaw until they feel they have you trapped..then blammo!
I hope everything works out for you, and keep on track with your plan..the best revenge can sometimes come in the form of doing what is best for ourselves and feeling great about it. That kind of revenge is a win for us in the end, no negatives there at all :)
Take care and be safe,
09-25-2007, 01:47 AM
This is actually exactly what this forum is for - working out the issues that would otherwise cause us to binge. And, actually, this journey has made me much more capable of taking care of my needs, and I think learning how to assert your right to meet your needs is a great step for you in embracing what you need to do to make sure you and your daughter are safe. Colleen makes some excellent suggestions. I didn't realize he had assaulted you. If so, you need to be very, very concerned for your daughter. At one point, wasn't he a "great boyfriend," or at least good enough that you agreed to marry him? "Great father" or not, if he is violent to those he professes to love, your daughter is probably not safe with him. I absolutely agree with Colleen - get thee to a domestic violence shelter and find out what the laws are about his visitation with your daughter, given his domestic violence record. Maybe supervised visitation would be the best of all possibilities - you're not keeping them apart, but your daughter isn't in nearly the amount of danger she otherwise would be.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation. Good luck.
09-25-2007, 03:29 AM
My parents divorced when I was young... and while I don't want to get into all of the details, my dad never laid a finger on us after the divorce. That's not to say we didn't go through some mental turbulence. Bottom line: I think my dad really did love us, and he knew that if he hurt us physically that he would definitely not be seeing us, and so he just didn't do it. That may be a similar case with Marseille's ex, it's just hard for just to judge as outsiders. I trust that Marseille is aware of the risks and will do what she can to protect her daughter if she needs to! :) She's already taken the step to remove him from their immediate household, and that is an accomplishment in and of itself. STAY STRONG and don't let him control you anymore!
09-25-2007, 07:51 AM
I really just try not to cause problems but I can see now, after re-reading what I wrote, that I am just allowing him to control my life STILL.
I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties.
My mother tried not to cause problems for 30 years before she realized that there was no way to do that. My father would make a problem whether there was one or not. So I do urge you to get counseling for yourself, and get your lawyer and law enforcement to deal with him.
Also, if you think your daughter isn't watching all this and learning rather bad lessons, that's unfortunately not the case.
I really hope you can find a way to circumvent his insane behavior. He really does sound insane to me. But I want to congratulate you for not using food to comfort yourself! Good for you!
09-25-2007, 08:00 AM
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I have been in your shoes and all I can say is I agree with what others have said. Copy all the voice mails and text messages he send you. And do not keep the copies in your home. If he is anything like my ex husband he will snoop and look for stuff. While we were separated he would come into the house while I was out and look through my computer also. He still had the key to the house as I was not allowed by the court to change the locks yet. I finally had to hide the computer in my closet and lock the door.
If you feel like you can not safely tell him to stop coming into YOUR house, make arrangements to meet him someplace else to pick up your daughter.
But let others know what he is doing.
09-25-2007, 08:16 AM
I really have nothing to add, except that you have all kinds of support here...Best of luck!
09-25-2007, 10:25 AM
I really have nothing to add either, because everyone has given you good advice and I can't possibly know what you're going through. I just know that I'm sorry you have to go through it! I'd definitely take the advice about meeting him at a neutral location for him to see your daughter, and he should never EVER be on your computer or anything else of yours again!
I'm really proud of you for coming here to get support for this instead of looking for comfort in food. I think that's a HUGE step, and one that's really difficult to make, especially in as stressful a situation as you have going on. I don't know if I could be that strong -- I think you're amazing! :hug:
09-25-2007, 10:54 AM
May I make some comments?
- What a fantastic discovery that you've allowed someone to steal your peace.
- Excellent emotional decision making! You identified a trigger, and dealt with the emotional issue rather than distracting yourself with food.
- Phenomenal idea using a drop off point that doesn't require interaction with this individual.
Some reflections from my personal life that you may find useful (or not):
- I found myself in situations where other people were "controlling;" I understood that I chose to give away control. I chose to allow another person access to things/actions that felt personnally intrusive to me.
- I realized that by these and other actions (eating an unhealthy diet) I didn't provide myself the same respect that I would provide a complete stranger. Knowing a complete stranger was trying to lose weight, I wouldn't encourage her to eat chips, burgers, or anything else unhealthy. I would never encourage a complete stranger to give away control of her life, rather I would encourage her to protect herself and her loved ones, to remember when she was happy, and to chose to make a joyful life for herself.
I wish you the best as you make wonderful, life changing choices in your life.
09-25-2007, 11:20 AM
Marseille, I agree with shy cammie, congrats on being able to identify that he causes you stress and that you have come here instead of emotional eating.
My sister was in this perdicament awhile back (domestic violence) so I would pick up my nieces and meet the Ex at a park or something and then would do the picking up. My sister was referred to a service that actually does this also so that you don't even need to deal with him.
I know it can be scary but hang in there
09-25-2007, 02:56 PM
This is not about you & him anymore, it should be about your daughter.
He has no right to use your phone OR computer. He is not at your home for that purpose. He is there to spend time with his daughter. And if he argues, so what? It's YOUR property, end of discussion.
My best friend's ex used to come for his visitation & she would notice that her bottles of rum and vodka would be slowly disappearing. The court granted him supervised visitationafter that. Maybe the court could help you out with this matter?
09-25-2007, 04:27 PM
Yes, I agree Make him meet you in public, dont allow him to do any of it. You are in control. Not him.