General chatter - Relationship advice please!

View Full Version : Relationship advice please!

09-24-2007, 02:43 PM
I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 9 months now. He is my first proper boyfriend, and this is the longest I have been in a relationship so I don't really know what I'm talking about. My closest friends are all with their first boyfriends still so they are not much help with my problem.

I'll give some background first. He is basically a lovely, kind guy. Naturally there are a few things that aren't so lovely (especially his temper and his slightly selfish, lazy tendencies), but that's life. We met while travelling and spent all day, every day together. I was desperately in love with him and wanted to spend all my time with him. Then we came home and real life started again. He lives about 1.5hrs away from me, so we spend time together during time off from work. Things were going pretty well, and we both thought that we could spend the rest of our lives together.

We had a big fight about a month ago (much worse than any normal fights) things were said, and ever since I haven't been sure about him anymore. I really started to think about what we are both like, and what we want from life, and I don't think we are that compatible long-term. However, I was happy to keep the relationship going because I do like him and he still loves me.

The last few days, and maybe even weeks have tested that thought. I've been studying for an important exam, and although he has tried to be understanding and supportive, he doesn't understand that my time has been focused on this rather than exclusively on him (he's never had any ambition to do anything). I really want to go back to university and so my life is going to be a lot more exams and stress, and he's shown me that he isn't great at being supportive over this sort of stuff. In fact he has got pretty sullen and difficult. I've done the best I can to still be spending time with him while balancing the work for this exam and spending time with my family, but he wants to be with me all the time.

This is my problem: I don't know if it is just the immense stress I've been under with this exam, anger with him, or something else, but since our big fight a month ago I seem to have lost my romantic feelings for him. I still love him and care about him, but these feelings are now more like the feelings I have for my friends than the "true love", romantic feelings I had before. What I really want to know is - can they come back? Once these feelings have gone, do they ever come back? Is is just the stress and the resentment over his lack of support, or have the feelings really been killed for good.

I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if I don't have romantic feelings for him, but I don't want to throw this all away if they might come back. I don't think he's the one I want to be with forever, but (up until now) we have always had a good time together. He's also my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I don't want to hurt him any more than he's hurting right now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

09-24-2007, 03:04 PM
My advise - Go with your Gut Feelings...
I don't know your age, but listening to you, You sound young. At this stage in your life, don't settle for someone who is NOT supportive of you. Only you know the answer. Listen to your inner voice.

09-24-2007, 03:14 PM
I agree with Patty. If you are having these thoughts now, just keep in mind that ignoring them will probably lead to more heartaches. Usually relationships less than a year old are on their best behavior, so his traits that aren't so nice could get worse!!!

Keep your options open!!!

09-24-2007, 03:19 PM
Many relationships that crop up with someone you met on vacation don't work out when you apply the relationship to every day life. When you met, you were on vacation, you were relaxed, had no worries, no schedules, no stress. Then your 'real life' kicks in and it's not nearly as romantic as when you were footloose and fancyfree, so to speak. The honeymoon's over, but you have wonderful memories. You mentioned some characteristics that are already getting under your skin. Its not going to get any better. I'd move on.

09-24-2007, 03:21 PM
I'm thinking deep down you already know the answer, you're outgrowing this guy. It dosent make him the bad guy & certainly dosent reflect poorly on you either... just means as you grow you have less & less in common maybe?

The ladies are right. Go with your gut instinct & NEVER settle for a boyfriend or partner that you have to change yourself in order to have peace. It's not worth it. There's plenty of good men that you don't have to adjust you to fit with them later on in life.

Good luck & take care of yourself, it dosent sound like you're his first priority anyway.


09-24-2007, 03:25 PM
I vote for "move on", too. I dated a guy who discouraged me from pursuing college and it was all out of his own insecurity - he didn't want me to be smarter/happier/richer or whatever than he was. I still communicate with him off and on fifteen years later, and as you can imagine, we have VERY little in common and I know I would have been very very unhappy staying with him, not to mention I probably would have dropped out of college.

You deserve someone with similar goals. Don't cast pearls before swine.

Furthermore - you mention his temper. That would be a big red flag for me.

09-24-2007, 03:26 PM
Naturally there are a few things that aren't so lovely (especially his temper and his slightly selfish, lazy tendencies)

he doesn't understand that my time has been focused on this rather than exclusively on him (he's never had any ambition to do anything)
he's shown me that he isn't great at being supportive over this sort of stuff. In fact he has got pretty sullen and difficult. but he wants to be with me all the time.

Please take a moment to re-read your statements about this man. These are red flags that can warn women about possible abuse in the future. Please seriously consider ending this relationship.

09-24-2007, 04:29 PM
Thank you for your comments. It is good to hear your thoughts and your support has been much appreciated. I'm going to give it a little bit more thought before seeing him again at the weekend.

Thank you again.

09-24-2007, 04:51 PM
I'd learn from the experience and move on as amicably as possible.

Most women will tell you: I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T MARRY MY FIRST BOYFRIEND!

09-24-2007, 04:54 PM
You received a lot of great advice -- but I just want to add a little more. I have been married to "that man" for 10 years now and have two wonderful children. He was my first real serious relationship, a bit older than me and I did love him. But, as with you, there were the character flaws, the incompatability, etc. but I thought that was to be expected. I am doubtful if I had listened to my "inner voice" I would be in the situation I am now. We care for each other, but there is no love -- it's a roommate type situation. Not exactly what I had in mind for the rest of my life!! Please don't hang on to him because your afraid to leave and find out you should have stayed -- trust me, if it's meant to be, you would know that in your heart!!

Good luck.

09-24-2007, 05:01 PM
Sounds like this guy is a "starter" boyfriend!! :)

09-24-2007, 06:08 PM
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stay with someone who doesn't support your dreams and anspirations for the future, esp in regards to your education! I was in the same boat as you once; I dumped the guy and got my degree. So glad I did cuz I found out later that he had real serious emotional issues (anger and control being just two of them).

Two of my friends went thru the same thing as well; one lost her degree and ended up in an brutal relationship; one failed her first year, woke up, booted the USER boyfriend out; and went on to get her degree and a wonderful life. Like all these smart ladies have said, all the warning signs are there, and the red flags have been thrown!

IMPORTANT NOTE: all the faults you see dating, will be worse, and even more magnified in the permanent relationship. The things you call minor now will become irritating and grating over the long-term. You will learn this yourself, in time. Keep your options open and get the degree ... cuz that is for the rest of your life!!!