100 lb. Club - How do you de-stress?

View Full Version : How do you de-stress?

09-23-2007, 10:02 AM
Over the past two days, I have discovered stress is the best diet for me. I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't move. And now I'm down 3 lbs!

Yes, I know it's terrible and that is completely sarcastic. I am hurting my body. Not on purpose, but I am.

Just curious...when something really bad is happening in your life, and you are stressed out 24-7, how do you calm down? I can't seem to shake this gut twisting pain, the rapid heart rate, the sweaty palms. And I have no idea when the situation, or IF the situation, will improve. All I know is my body is suffering for this, and I can't snap out of it.

Any tips and/or suggestions would be awesomely appreciated.

09-23-2007, 10:08 AM
For me, I put some pounding music on my mp3 player and hit the treadmill at the gym--or I go for a walk by myself and just focus on the music. I usually come home a much happier, much relaxed person.

mj ;)

09-23-2007, 10:31 AM
Exercise to pounding music always works for me, too. Or if I'm so stressed because I'm hella busy, I write write write write write til my pen runs out of ink--and then I find another pen and keep going! :lol: For me the secret is to do something that gets the stress OUT of me. Anything. Move, write, punch a pillow, jump up and down, go someplace private and scream, whatever. Get it OUT.

Good luck finding what works for you! :)

09-23-2007, 10:44 AM
I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. :hug:

For me there's all different kinds of stress. The every day stuff - overwhelmed with the kids, work, laundry, errands, bills, etc.. Then there's the MAJOR stuff. G-d forbid a health crisis. And of course the stuff in between. I do different things at different times.

One thing that really helps, funny enough, is shifting my focus from what's going on and putting my energies into, yup, my new healthy lifestyle. I really do find comfort from sticking to this like glue at times of ultra stress. I find when life around me is all screwy and up in the air and things are out of my hands, that the control I can exude through staying on plan is more welcome then ever.

I also, another odd one, like to straighten up the house/clean/organize. I know, I'm weird.

I also find that coming on the computer and 3FC is a great way to destress. I love hanging out here and reading and responding to the various threads.

I sit down with a magazine and a hot cup of tea. This one is best for me at the end of the day, when I want to wind down. Usually I need to do something more active when something stressful pops up.

Go for a walk. Or pop an exercise video on. ANY form of exercise is a great way to destress for me these days. This one still amazes me.

I hope whatever you're going through passes quickly and resolves itself in a positive manner. :hug:

09-23-2007, 10:56 AM
Toni, I'm so sorry you're dealing with a tough situation. I also know that I respond to some stresses exactly the way you're describing, so I completely relate to that impulse. Like mj and sidhe, I find intense exercise - especially when accompanied by that pounding beat - does help me to work out all of that frustration. You also don't mention the source of the stress. If it's possible, meeting it head on is really good for me to help me alleviate the stress of the situation, and actually, the exercise will often help me build up the resolve to face it. But this situation sounds like something over which you have no control. If so, I have to agree with Robin. Recognizing that you do have control over this significant part of your life could make a big difference to your psyche, making your ability to face it greater.

Good luck in facing whatever's troubling you.

09-23-2007, 11:52 AM
Not that I enjoy spreading my personal business all around, but I am freaking out here. I am pretty sure my husband is leaving me. So...I'd say it's a major stress. I have no energy to breathe, let alone exercise. Usually when I am nervous, I clean the house. I can't even do that. I just don't know what to do to calm down, but I am afraid if I don't, I am going to do major damage to my body. Between not eating, feeling like I'm going to throw up, and my heart pounding hard and fast, I just don't know what to do.

09-23-2007, 12:08 PM
I wish when I was stressed I would do the same as you, even though i know it's bad.

In the past before I started my diet, I would go eat more if I was stressed. But now, I'm trying to channel my stress into something like go to sleep or do something to occupy me like surfing the net. Sometimes I also find listening to music a way to cope w/ stress.

09-23-2007, 12:27 PM
woah that is major news, i don't think a few minutes on a treadmill is going to do any good ~ is this something you can talk to your husband about? Ask him point blank, at least have the stress of "not knowing" relieved? easier said than done, i know

i'm the same way with stress -- when things are happy and fun (99% of the time, according to my scales, since when i'm happy i'm always shoving food in my face, but when stress hits i shut down, can't eat at all.

09-23-2007, 12:38 PM
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I agree about asking him point blank. At least you'll know and can focus on what you need to do next- counseling, working on your marriage, budgeting, living arrangments. Not that those aren't stressful, but at least it would give you some focus.

Hang in there.

09-23-2007, 12:44 PM
Not that I enjoy spreading my personal business all around, but I am freaking out here. I am pretty sure my husband is leaving me. So...I'd say it's a major stress. :hug: Oh, Sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening! Do you have a friend you can talk to? Can you go see a friend? It seems like you shouldn't be alone right now. Please remember to breathe!

09-23-2007, 12:48 PM
I wish I could ask him point blank.

He left Friday afternoon. I talked to him Saturday at about 3pm. I heard 3 stories in the same conversation.

1) He left and went to his mom's because he needed some time with his family.
2) He needed a break, a breather.
3) He is leaving me.

He said he was going to call last night, and he never did. So now not only am I freaking out about him saying he is going to leave me, I am scared something bad happened.

Possibly the worst part of this is that there was no reason. We had a huge argument about a month and a half ago, and figured out we need to work on a few things. So we did. And since then, our relationship has been better than it has ever been. Tuesday he was telling me all those perfect-husband things...he loves me so much, I am the love of his life, he is so glad we worked things out, I mean everything to him, etc. And then all the sudden on Friday he said he has been "thinking about leaving me" and that "I just don't make him happy anymore." Completely out of the blue. We have had no arguments or anything.

At least if he had dome something bad, or I had done something bad, I would have a reason, I could be mad. But there is no reason. All I can think is that he has been hating his job lately, and when he comes home he has been stressed out. Maybe he just isn't differentiating between the job causing the unhappiness at home, and the being unhappy at home. I don't know. I try to be rational, but it's hard.

He tells me he wants to leave me, that we are through. And I cry, because I am me, and I am emotional, and who wouldn't be upset by that news out of the blue? And then he says he is going to come home because he'd rather be miserable with me than hurt me. And I tell him I don't want him to be miserable, but I don't think our relationship is the cause of misery...considering we are doing better than ever. I say I want him to come home because he loves me, because he wants to. He says there is no denying that he loves me, and he will come home because of that. And I tell him not to lie to me, to tell me the truth. He says he doesn't want to come home.

And the cycle repeats.

I am confused. I am devastated. I am breaking.

Sorry, I am rambling. I just don't know what else to do.

He didn't call. When I tried calling him, it rang the first time, and then he must have shut his phone off because it just goes to voice mail.


09-23-2007, 12:48 PM
Yeah, I'd call that MAJOR stress. I'm so sorry to hear of this. It sounds like you can really use a good friend right now. Someone to speak with and grab a hug from.

I agree though. I think you are best off confronting him, this way you at least know where you stand. Then you can formulate a plan. I wish you all the best. :hug:

09-23-2007, 01:45 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree that you need someone to talk with. If you don't have any friends available this weekend, would you feel comfortable talking with a pastor or a priest at a local church? Some employers have an Employee Assistance Program with counselors on hand to talk with you. Just look for something like EAP on the back of an insurance card. If you can make yourself go for walks, exercise releases "feel good" chemicals in our bodies which might help you quite a bit right now. Are you a praying person? Ask God for peace to get through this. I've said a prayer for you as well. Please let us know how you're doing.

09-23-2007, 02:01 PM
I see that we posted at the same exact time, therefore I didn't see the details that you posted.

I really hope that you can find someone to speak with. This is a lot to deal with. Somehow you will find the strength to get through this. :hug:

09-23-2007, 02:44 PM
Wow, I am so very sorry to hear what you're going through. I can't even imagine what I would do. Initially, I was going to advise exercise as a stress reliever, but after reading through the post, I just don't know how to relieve that kind of stress. Being uncertain about a thing like that is...horrible. Take care of yourself, and I'll be thinking about you.


Mrs Quadcrew
09-23-2007, 03:01 PM
:hug: That is about the highest form of stress. Talk with someone, does your area have a "help line"? Get a piece of paper out and start making notes of things you need to do to take care of YOU. You can get through this, it is not going to be easy, but you can. We are all here for you too, anytime you need us, you can find us online here. It is cruel of him to have you in such limbo.

09-23-2007, 03:56 PM
Oh sweetie, my heart breaks for you. Like you, I'm a very emotional person and when I'm upset and say things I didn't plan I don't really mean. If I could offer any guidance it would be to try to keep yourself as calm as possible, particularly when you speak to your husband. Find a friend you feel comfortable talking freely to so you can express the emotion. Try to live in the moment. I've wasted alot of time borrowing trouble and worrying about things that never happened. Lastly, breath. When we get too stressed and worried, one of the things that happens is we tense up and don't breath properly. Your body will respond to the oxygen and help to calm you so you are able to deal with the situation.

I'll be thinking of you!

09-23-2007, 08:23 PM
He's gone. :(

I don't know what to do.

09-23-2007, 10:16 PM
Did he contact you saying he's gone for good? I'm so so sorry.:(

09-23-2007, 11:05 PM
He confirmed. He's done.

09-23-2007, 11:12 PM
Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I know I am young, but I went through a similar situation last summer. My fiancee decides he doesn't love me anymore out of nowhere, and proceeds to leave on a 3 week vacation to Colorodo with his family. In the meantime, I am having panic attacks and crying 24/7 because I don't know what I did wrong...He calls me a week into his vacation telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and misses me! We worked on things when he got back and we are just fine now. Maybe just give him a little time. I KNOW it's the worst feeling in the world. I just wrapped myself up in stupid TV shows so I didn't have to think about my life LOL. Find something, anything to do to get your mind off it. When I am really stressed I like to take a super hot bubble bath and listen to music...Light a few candles..Just relax.

I am sorry you are going through this, but we are here for you if you need it :hug:

09-23-2007, 11:20 PM
He confirmed. He's done.

I am so sorry. :(:hug:

09-24-2007, 06:23 AM
I am really sorry to hear of this. Just try and take things one step at a time. Day by day, hour by hour if need be. Make sure to take good care of yourself. I know things must be so raw and so incredibly painful right now. With time, the pain WILL ease.

Do you have some family you can be with right now? A close friend? Reach out to people and let them help you. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this. I am sending good wishes your way. :hug:

09-24-2007, 08:36 AM
Aw gee... This is terrible news... I can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel! But hang on--this isn't the end of the world, although it may feel like it. You CAN get through this. Just hang on. Drink your water, eat good foods. Hurting yourself makes no sense--you need your own support!

I do hope that if in a few days or so he changes his mind, you'll think twice about letting him come back. Clearly there are some major trust problems now. How can you believe anything he says?

In the meantime, make lists of things like assets owned jointly, balances in accounts, and so on. This way you can see where you're at. Ask your friends if anyone knows a good lawyer, just in case--if he's really done, then you'll need one.

Hang in there! Take care of yourself!


Mrs Quadcrew
09-24-2007, 09:31 AM
:hug::hug: JayEll gives some good advice there. YOU need to take care of YOU. Gather your senses and get a plan in place now. Get some legal aid, there are some lawyers that will do your initial consultation for free. I am sure this is sooo hard for you, but knowing HAS to be better than being in limbo. You can get through this, and we are all here for you. Take care of yourself, and I am sending you hugs and good karma.

09-24-2007, 10:37 AM
I am really sorry to hear this...

Here's a link to a website that really helped me through my divorce. Even though it was me that initiated it, it was still painful. I found lots of comfort.


Also consider finding a DivorceCare goup for some live support: http://www.divorcecare.com/

They even have a daily e-mail you can subscribe to for support as well.

The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. Reaching out to people you can trust is vital. And you know you can always come to us here for a shoulder and an ear.

09-24-2007, 11:10 AM
I am so sorry. I know it feels right now that your world is ending and the pain will never go away. I know people will tell you to get back on the horse and be strong, but I think first you can acknowledge your need to grieve and mourn. I was the one who initiated the end of my marriage, but it was still a huge loss and when you are suffering, you need to be able to grieve. So, I say cry, stay in bed for a few days, punch something. I actually barbequed my wedding album on the grill. With marinade. Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, give yourself the encouragement that you won't always feel like this. Once you have had a good cry, THEN it is imperative that you become Miss Organization and plan plan plan. The more you plan for every little contingency, the more in control you will feel and the easier this will be. I won't tell you that this will be easy or "for the better", but please know that you have a fabulous resource here. There are so many people here that care about you and have SO much experience to call on. We are all crying with you now, but we are cheering for you too.

09-24-2007, 01:06 PM
Marseille...I know this is a serious issue but the BBQ photo album made me giggle :)

09-24-2007, 01:32 PM
I agree that you need to give yourself time to mourn. You also need to give yourself permission to be angry and quit worrying about how he'll feel if you blow up. I know you haven't said it...but I've been there...and I know that everytime you talk with him you're walking on eggshells to keep him happy. Am I right? If not, great! If so...then STOP! REally. It's hard but you can do it. How he has handled this horrible situation is a MAJOR RED FLAG that you don't want to stay married to him. He handles things poorly, he's immature (not answering the phone), he's sadistic (I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you), and he's not good for you (you're miserable and he's the reason). This is all VERY tough stuff to deal with it. Unfortunately, there are a lot of us out here who have been there before. Feel free to PM if you want. If nothing else...we know how you feel and we can show you what's possible for you in the very near future. Deep breaths, sweetie, you can do this. :hug:

PS...nothing but time is going to ease the stress and pain. However, eating properly and getting in some exercise will help keep your body strong...which will help with your mental and emotional state.

PSS...contact a lawyer. Quit letting him make all the decisions for you. Empower yourself to take control of this situation.

09-24-2007, 04:55 PM
Well said, Tricia!

09-24-2007, 05:13 PM
I subscribed to this thread very shortly after you started it, thinking I'd reply with, "Oh, I like to draw/do art when I'm stressed out."

I've since seen your later comments and I'm so sorry to hear this is happening! In times like this I spend a lot of time on the couch, sleeping, crying, talking to friends (actually, staying overnight at my friends' houses too), escaping from reality via TV or books. When I feel like I'm not going to literally die, I start going for long solo walks, healing, "finding myself".

You've gotten some very great advice here, from some strong and wonderful people. Take care!

09-24-2007, 08:22 PM
I suppose if it wasn't final enough, it is now. He called to say he left me $200 in the bank and he is filing for divorce as of 4pm. Apparently he's in a hurry to be done with me.

09-24-2007, 10:51 PM

I read most of the other posts and I really can't add anything. Whomever said to seek another person out to talk about this was right. I have been through this myself and it is a very painful time. Try to find someone who can be there with you and that you can lean on during this time. Tonight or today if at all possible.

09-24-2007, 10:52 PM
I would get representation ASAP!! He looks like he is not going to play fair, so you need to protect yourself.

09-24-2007, 11:27 PM
I'm very sorry to hear that you have to deal with such a stressful situation. These sorts of things will devour you emotionally and physically. I can't say too much about your relationship beyond that I hope you will go to counseling even if your husband chooses not go with you. Edit: Reading more thoroughly, it now seems as if he has made his choice. I'm very sorry to hear this, but I cannot agree more with Jen415. You have to look after yourself. Immediately. Find a lawyer.

Physically speaking it would be horrible to see your health suffer due to so much stress. I don't know you well, but I can tell you what works for me and some people I do know.

Do you unwind better through distractions?

Perhaps you're the type of person who would benefit from sipping a warm cup of tea while taking deep breaths to clear your mind?

Maybe curling up with a good book or magazine would be entertaining?

You could grab a good friend or relative and take a slow walk talking about nothing?

Do you like to organize in order to unwind?

You could focus on those things you've been putting off for awhile.

Simple chores that need to get done anyways, like laundry.

Or take on a big task like cleaning a closet that's gotten out of hand.

Maybe even paying some bills. (This one works for me... I know it's strange, but it's the afterwards that's de-stressing ^^)

Do you need to talk your problems out?

This is where getting together and discussing your problems with a trusted friend or relative would help you out. I see you came to the forums for some advice, maybe this is the best course for you. Even if it doesn't change things, venting emotions can help ease pressure & stress. Not only that, but it will help you see that you are not alone!

I know none of these will completely get rid of all your stress right now, but I hope you find what you need in order to feel at least somewhat better. Best of luck to you!!!

09-24-2007, 11:48 PM
I suppose if it wasn't final enough, it is now. He called to say he left me $200 in the bank and he is filing for divorce as of 4pm. Apparently he's in a hurry to be done with me.

Wow, he doesn't waste any time. Once again, I am so very sorry that you're having to deal with this. Please don't think that there is something "wrong" with YOU. I don't know your husband, so I won't bash him, but I will say that the way he's handling this is immature and horrible. I hope you get through things okay. Be strong, and if you need to talk to someone, PLEASE do. Anyone, just open up and spill your guts. We're here for you.:hug:

09-25-2007, 12:21 AM
Lawyer, ASAP. He can't just take all the money and run. Your lawyer can stop him.


09-25-2007, 04:04 AM
Toni, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now and that I'm praying for you.

09-25-2007, 10:32 AM
Toni, you've been on my mind all last night and all day today. I hadn't said anything yet because I really didn't know what to say.

If $200 wasn't half of what was in that bank account, you need to get that lawyer others have mentioned before he starts taking advantage in other ways. Apparently he's been thinking and plotting this for awhile (which could explain why you guys weren't arguing towards the end). I know you're in shock and hurting, but you need to put on a brave, proud front and show that to him. Don't give him any power over you that he obviously doesn't deserve.

We all love you so much. You've been such a wonderful source of inspiration to me and to others and we're all cheering you on. PM or email me if you need anything at all, ok? :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

09-25-2007, 10:39 AM
my DH is a lawyer and he said get representatin immediately! it's not up to him to "give" you $200 and walk away! get real!!!

Focus on that for a while, maybe the anger and the fight will tide you over for a while ~ but hopefully you have family and friends to support you during the emotional hard times :( I feel so crappy for you.... we all hate him!

09-25-2007, 02:39 PM
Toni, like Amber I've been reading your posts but haven't posted anything because I don't know what to say. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of :hug:

09-25-2007, 03:23 PM
I feel so crappy for you.... we all hate him!

I'm on the "Hate Toni's Husband Train" too....what an A #1 RICHARD!!

09-25-2007, 03:32 PM
I'm joining the train, too! Watch out, Toni's Husband, you have a gaggle of angry fat chicks comin' after ya! hahahahaha

09-25-2007, 03:34 PM
Phan, I would not wish that on ANYONE!!! ROFL

09-25-2007, 07:33 PM
I truly appreciate each and every one of you. My boss is a lawyer, so she is already on that part of it. I am somewhere in between the denial, sad, and angry stages. Not quite sure where I fit in, every minute is a different one. I am confused, that much I am positive of.

I know it probably sounds really dumb, but if it weren't for all the positive comments and advice here, I'd be curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor, ala Izzy from Grey's Anatomy, if any of you watch that.

I have friends and family that are supporting me and helping me immensely. But having a group of gals on my side, ready to stand next to me and fight, even though we've never "met", is amazing. It gives me strength and power. I could never thank you all enough. I am so glad I found this place when I did, not only for dieting, but all the ups and downs of life.

As far as how I'm doing... I could be doing better, that's for sure. I have moments where I am convinced he is going to call and tell me he loves me and is coming home. I have moments where I burst into tears for absolutely no reason. And I have moments where I am pissed and want to knock some sense into his stupid head. I have a lot of questions...most that no one but me can answer (i.e. Why did he do this? What's wrong with me? What ******ed-pill did he take? When am I supposed to take off my wedding ring? What do I do with all of our pictures and memories? How do you stop loving someone who you thought was the love of your life?).

Everyone says it'll get better, the pain will fade. I look forward to that part happening. Probably in for a long ride, huh?

09-25-2007, 08:13 PM
All I can do is send you more :hug: 's and let you know I am thinking about you! You are strong enough to get through this.

09-25-2007, 09:53 PM
I'm so glad to hear you have friends and family helping you out. Your boss is a lawyer! Good pick! We're here for you too hun. The confusion is to be expected so early in the situation. Keep staying strong; you're doing awesome.

Mrs Quadcrew
09-26-2007, 09:49 AM
Of course you are confused right now! You've been slammed hard. And you know, you may never stop loving him....that is not a feeling you can just "turn off". I am so glad you have people you can talk to who are supportive of you. (along with the gang here!) You take care - we're all here for you.

09-26-2007, 09:56 AM
Anyone would have a hard time dealing with this, so your urge to curl up on the floor is an expected one. Please know that there is NOTHING wrong with you though. Nothing at all.

09-26-2007, 11:39 AM
What honks me off is the fact that he is offering NO explanation whatsoever. I don't care if you've been married 10 years or 10 days--you deserve to know the reason why. Not to try and fix things, but to have some closure.

IMHO, he's a coward for offering no explanation at all.

09-26-2007, 07:56 PM
A coward for not giving me a reason (other than saying "I'm just not happy", despite the fact he was telling me I was the love of his life 2 days earlier and we had been having no issues at all...go figure), and for telling me this news OVER THE PHONE.

If you're going to break my heart, at least watch me break down and deal with the pain you are causing. Don't hide 60 miles away over the phone to do it. Jerk.

I feel better now. Okay, not really, but in some completely minute way it might have helped.

09-26-2007, 08:11 PM
You asked a lot of questions about when is the "right" time to take off your wedding ring and what to do with your pictures. I say, do whatever makes you feel good. If the thought of taking off your wedding ring is unbearable to you, then leave it on for awhile. But if you feel like it's making you sad to have it on, then put it in your jewelry box or in the back of the closet for awhile. If you cherish your wedding photos, keep them. You might change your mind someday, but for now there is no right or wrong. Personally, I used the grill to dispose of mine and it was an amazing, enpowering catharsis to watch them go up in flames. The problem with my choice is that if I change my mind, I can't go back (I won't ever change my mind). Put the albums away for a little while, take down the pictures if they make you sad. Just try to do whatever makes you feel better. Maybe just rip up or torch one or two pictures that he looks really really good in, to make you feel better!!!!

09-26-2007, 09:40 PM
Omg, Toni! I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope you and your husband can work through this, and stay together. :hug:

If you ever need to talk, you know I'm always around... Feel free to PM me, or email me...

As for your question on how do other de-stress. Depending how bad the stress was, small stress stuff for me usually results in smoking 3 packs of cigarettes in a day. Major stress like the stuff you're going through would probably mean me doing the exact thing you are. There's been many really stressful times in my life when I can hardly breathe let alone thing about eating. I lost 25 pounds one month during a stressful time. And I know a good friend of mine, who when her husband left her she lost over 40 pounds in less than 2 months.

09-26-2007, 09:58 PM
A coward for not giving me a reason (other than saying "I'm just not happy", despite the fact he was telling me I was the love of his life 2 days earlier and we had been having no issues at all...go figure), and for telling me this news OVER THE PHONE.

If you're going to break my heart, at least watch me break down and deal with the pain you are causing. Don't hide 60 miles away over the phone to do it. Jerk.

I feel better now. Okay, not really, but in some completely minute way it might have helped.

YES. Jerk. That was incredibly cowardly of him to you. You deserved better than that. :hug:

09-28-2007, 07:39 PM
I suppose the update is: he called. This morning, at 6:30, on his way to work, he called. Said he missed me, has been so torn up, doesn't know what he wants to do, but just wanted to call and say hi. Long story short, he says he has to figure out if he wants this to work. Because if he doesn't, no matter how bad I do, it won't. But if he does, and I do, we can. He just has to figure out what he wants, still.

So here I sit in Limbo. Half of me is jumping up and down saying, "Yay! He is thinking about things, he will realize how wonderful we are together!" The other half is saying, "Think about things? Why do you have to think? If you wanted it, you'd know." Limbo is no fun.

So I guess this is the part where I wait. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Can one actually prepare to be officially "left"? I think not.

But I'm hanging in there. Or at least trying.

09-28-2007, 07:53 PM
I know this is going to sound like ice water, but before you decide to take him back PLEASE be honest with yourself and make sure you remember your marriage the way it was, not the way you wanted it to be. You have to remember the bad things and realize that while this may hurt really bad right now, it might be the right thing to do. I hope with all my heart that this was a one-time glitch and you can be happily ever after, but you just need to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about how your marriage has been. DO NOT sit there and wait around for him to decide if he will "take you back" or not. That puts him in the position of control where he gets to run your life and he knows that he can get you to do whatever he wants just by threatening to leave again. This is NOT a position you want to be in. I am sorry to be so callous, but modern marriages are not fairytales and I hate to see women in your predicament!

09-28-2007, 08:24 PM
And here's another thought--is it at all possible that there is someone else involved? Ask him! See what he says!

I also hope that you don't just wait for him to make up his mind, but instead figure out what you want to do given his behavior.


09-28-2007, 08:24 PM
The hardest thing about how our marriage was, is that it was going so well. That is what makes this so hard, so difficult to understand. Things between us were really good. We've had big arguments and disagreements before, but that was about a year ago. We had those worked out. Making this all the more confusing.

I know I can't just sit around and wait for him to "choose me". But I also don't think a week is long enough to throw the towel in over. Of course, this is all assuming he decides to try in the first place. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. While I am excited he is at least sitting back and looking at his options instead of just rushing around doing them regardless of logic, I am also well aware that there is a great chance he is going to tell me he no longer wants to try. That is what he has been saying since this happened. 'He's done trying. He doesn't want to make it work.' So him calling is a good thing, but I'm not convinced this is it, he is going to change his mind. He hasn't done that, and I don't know that he will. Like I said, hope for the best...prepare for the worst.

09-28-2007, 08:30 PM
We posted at the same time, Jay, or I would have answered this.

I have asked him if this is because of someone else, and he says no. He is now saying he is "resentful and angry at me for the past." When I asked him to elaborate, he says he "blames me for him not finishing college yet." I pointed out that I didn't hold him back from college, or tell him no, or anything like that...he didn't go back to classes because 1) we got married, and 2) we got busy. And now he IS back, just not done with his Bachelor's yet. He says he "realizes that, but he still blames me, and it makes him unable to be happy when he is with me."

So we have pretty much determined that in order to make our marriage work, we both have to get past old grudges, pretty much. Now the question is, is he willing to put 100% effort into making that happen? And that is the answer I await.

Which sucks.

09-29-2007, 01:42 AM
I'm glad you guys might get back together and that you'll be happy again (because, in the end, that's all any of us want...Toni happy!).

But I have a problem with his logic. He's blaming you for something that is A) his fault...no one said you CAN'T go to school because we're getting married and B) irrelevant, considering the fact that he's attending school again.

Maybe next time you two talk, ask him to not focus on the negative and instead focus on the positive. We ALL sacrifice things to be with someone...that's just how life is. He gave up stuff and so did you. He needs to sit back and thinks about all the things he DID get to experience BECAUSE he's with you, not focus on the things he's given up.

:grouphug: for Toni. Keep updating us. I think about you every day.

09-29-2007, 07:41 AM
Gosh, Toni, that sounds like B.S. to me.

You're not his mom, you didn't "make" him do anything, and nothing is "because of you." That's an excuse people use when they don't want to take responsibility.

Good luck--I hope you can get things straightened out, with him or without him.


P.S. Oh, and did he put the money back in the account yet?

09-29-2007, 10:08 AM
Gosh, Toni, that sounds like B.S. to me.

You're not his mom, you didn't "make" him do anything, and nothing is "because of you." That's an excuse people use when they don't want to take responsibility.

Good luck--I hope you can get things straightened out, with him or without him.


P.S. Oh, and did he put the money back in the account yet?

I was thinking the same thing. He needs to take responsibility, because him blaming YOU isn't going to end until he does. :hug:

09-29-2007, 10:55 AM
I have tried talking to him about being reasonable. Letting him know I didn't make him do anything. I have pointed out that I have given things up for our relationship, also, it's part of how it goes. But we have had so many good times, too. They far out weigh the bad.

He says he knows, but he can't change how he feels. He resents me deep down inside, and has tried to stop, but can't.

Which is why he has to figure out if he wants to try again, apparently.

As for the money, he took "his part" and left me "mine". I was under the impression that it was all OURS, considering we both deposited every check in there and both spent from it. But because he deposited his check 2 days before he did this, he felt it was his right to take more. Despite the fact he gets paid every two weeks, and I get paid weekly...so his checks are always going to be about twice as much as mine... So no, I still have my measly $200 in there. Well, now it's $195 because I had to buy cough medicine. Lovely!

09-29-2007, 11:50 AM
That's bs to me. I'm going to step on my little soapbox here for a minute...

1. He blames you for leaving college....is he a big boy? He could've stayed. He's not happy now...the college hasn't moved. Go back and finish, go to community college if you are tight on money. There are options.

2. Honestly, it doesn't seem like he is worried about you at all to leave you miserable and leave you with $200 because he deserves the rest?

Listen to all of his arguments...its him him him, not us. He's only thinking about himself and not about the both of you and what needs to be done. I agree with whoever else said that you need to evaluate things. Everytime he feels neglected or angry he's going to know he can pull this s**t again. Make a pros cons list, re-evaluate everything. Is he really who you want to be with through thick and thin or do you like the idea of him being there. If it's the latter then maybe it's time to get you things in order because yes there will be tons of heartache now, but better than a life full of it.

Stepping off soapbox

09-29-2007, 12:09 PM
Since you're kind of putting yourself out there for advice I will say one time: I think you're NUTS if you take him back. His treatment of you this past week, alone, shows he has NO regard for you...much less love, respect, and passion.

That being said, I know first hand that what I just said is MUCH easier to say than do. It took my ex doing the above behavior 2 times before I told him to kiss my grits. I must say, he was very shocked. He liked the way our relationship was built. He threatened to end it and manipulated anything he wanted because I was so scared he was going to leave me! I was SUCH AN IDIOT!!! It felt great to be the one to open my own checking account (I can't believe you still have your money in the same account he has access to!) and to file for divorce (yep, ME, NOT HIM!). So while I know it's hard, hard, HARD, it might just be the very best thing you could ever do for your own well-being. I'm just not on the same page as everyone else seems to be. He has been sadistic and abusive and I want to see you leave him...I would not be happy for you to take him back...mainly because I want you happy in the long run I don't think he's capable of making it happen. You have to be happy ALL BY YOURSELF...and then find someone who is mature and happy ALL BY HIMSELF...and then, together, you can be happy. He's immature and he's definitely not happy all by himself...hence, the phone call. But, he's not happy with you...hence the past week. There you have it...an immature, unhappy boy is not good husband material.

:hug: Hope this isn't too harsh. It's really sent with the best wishes for you!

09-29-2007, 01:51 PM
That's how my marriage was too.. he kept threatening to leave me if I did anything he didn't like and I kept begging him to stay.. until the one day I woke up with my eyes wide open and I LEFT HIM. He couldn't believe it. He thought he had the upper hand the whole time. I filed on him for divorce and I think he was still shellshocked because he just let it go to default and I got everything I asked for. I thought that we had so many good times, but now that I look back clearly, I can see that the good times were surrounded by so much crap that they just looked shinier and happier than they really were. I gotta agree with Royalsfan.. get your booty movin and find your own path. Another thing... "perfect happy" marriages don't just suddenly go sour because he "resents" you. He's got another woman.

09-29-2007, 03:23 PM
You know, Marseille, I keep finding myself thinking the same thing... even though he denies it! Guys don't usually just up and truck off without SOMEthing on the horizon... no matter what "reasons" are cited.


09-29-2007, 03:47 PM
The thought of him leaving me because he found someone else is terrifying. There have been no "signs" of it...well, up until now, of course. This would be the only thing. And if it's true, it certainly won't take me long to get to the anger phase of this.

09-29-2007, 05:29 PM
Two of my friends are just discovering their husbands affairs and in both cases, they reported that things between them were incredibly good for the last few weeks and then just like that, their husbands wanted out and gave some asinine reason for it. They never suspected cheating but found out later after checking on cell phone records and emails and stuff.. BOTH of them discovered that their husbands had "Internet girlfriends" and were basically leading double lives.

I think a lot of men who are cheating do feel guilty after a while and they do a sort of last-ditch effort to try and be good and stay with their wives (this explains the really good couple of months or weeks) and if nothing changes (why would it change, if they don't communicate to their wives what they are feeling and what is going on) they decide its not worth it and leave.

Many many men are childish and selfish and idiotic. The good news is, not all of them are. I am still looking for a good one!

If you are the slightest bit concerned about this possibility, start doing a little snooping. Check cell phone records, credit card and debit card records, emails and the computer's history. If the history has been recently cleared, thats as good as proof because he obviously had something to hide. Make a surprise visit to his office and see if he has anything new there that he wouldn't buy on his own. (One of my friends stopped by her husband's office on HIS lunch break and found all kinds of trinkets that the other woman bought for him)

GO TO THE DOCTOR and have a check up. You don't know what he could have brought home to you.

10-01-2007, 02:44 PM
curling up on the couch, turning on the tv with a fresh note book and pen to sort out whatever is stressing me out...
it feels better if i write out and outline a plan to fix whatever is ailing me.

10-01-2007, 08:38 PM
I'm so very sorry, Toni. I haven't been reading every thread the last few weeks and I can't believe I missed yours. I don't have any words of wisdom for you having never been married, but you're in my thoughts. :hug:

10-03-2007, 07:59 PM
A new update: he called today. Says he misses me, loves me, wants to come home. Says we can do this under one condition: I can be less jealous when it comes to his ex. The quick version of this story is: his ex cheated on him. He left her. A couple years later, she got into contact with him, wanted him to see her kids, because they miss him. So he went and visited them, and I was weirded out that he would go to her house. He was the "guy on the side" without even knowing it their entire relationship, he has always expressed that he hates her, and then she gets in touch and he's fine with it...weirded me out. I said I was uncomfortable with it. Not being all super jealous, just being as freaked out as many would be if their significant other started talking to their ex, going over to their house, and spending time with kids that aren't in any way theirs.

Anyhow, he said he has to be a part of the kids' lives, and if I am not okay with that, he can't come back. He swears he has never done anything with her, it is completely platonic, it's just about the kids. He also said this was "an experiment to see if I was the reason for his unhappiness" and has determined "I was not the reason for unhappiness, he just needs to let go of the past".

Ooooooooookay. I feel like these stories are very un-related, but that's just how the conversation went, so don't ask me why. I have no clue.

I am confused. My head is messed up.

But the good news is, I colored my hair, am getting it cut on Friday, plan on getting a couple new shirts, and have MET MY FIRST GOAL!!!.

I hit 299. Actually, 298.5. But I always round up to the nearest whole number. :)

That made me very happy. True, the last 5 lbs were lost because I cried violently and didn't eat for 3 days. But they are lost!

Trying to keep in good spirits, despite the horrible not-okay-ness of the situation.

10-03-2007, 10:08 PM
I don't think you're being jealous by not wanting him to hang out at his ex's house. IMO that's just a recipe for disaster, especially considering they aren't his kids. IF you believe him that nothing is going on with this other woman and you want to take him back (I'd think long and hard about that before you do it), then maybe suggest any visitings with the kids go on at your house. It's a strange situation, to be sure, and I'd advise you to take a long look at how your relationship has shifted because of this. Is he going to just leave everytime things get hard? Is there really nothing going on between him and his ex? (That's a really weird situation, if he's telling the truth.)

You're still in my prayers, I hope you can figure out what the right thing to do is.

10-03-2007, 10:15 PM
congrats on hitting the 2's !! the 1's aren't far off :D

and you were reasonable, not jealous -- i'm a good judge because I'm a jealous shrew of a wife heheheh My hubby laughs when I get mad at HIM when I hear of another hubby behaving badly :D or smack him when I think of one of his old girlfriends ("smack him" may be an exaggeration as he's a 6'2 tank! ha ha) but still...he patiently reminds me it was almost 20 years ago... LOL

Hey you want a way to drop weight super fast?? Keep his *** DUMPED FOR GOOD! There's 200 lbs. gone right away ;)

10-03-2007, 10:36 PM
So, let me see if I have this right......these are not his biological kids, she calls him after two years and says the kids miss him, he says he has to be a part of their lives and you have to deal with it or its over? Wow. This guy is an idiot! He's putting her kids above you, his wife! And, just how old are these kids? I seriously doubt they were really missing him after two years. Is she the other woman? Because, Winterstarzz, his story about not having anyone else is just not adding up! Please, don't take this guy back. You deserve better!

10-03-2007, 10:50 PM
Rhonda hit the nail on the head - He's putting her kids above you, his wife!

Something isn't quite adding up.

We're here for you. :hug:

WTG on the weight loss!

10-03-2007, 11:16 PM
I have to say...I also think that you deserve WAY better than this guy. WAY better.

Congrats on getting into the 200's!:hug:

10-03-2007, 11:20 PM
Toni my heart goes out to you as do my prayers:hug:

I lot of things don't really make that much sense, I agree with Jay, not sure about another women, but def something else has distracted him to do this. What is up with seeing another womens kids, was this big blow just to manipulate you into feeling guilty and agreeing to this altimatum. Seriously he is choosing someone elses kids.

That is really nutty.

I am so proud that you have stayed healthy and not sabotaged yourself...hang in there.

10-03-2007, 11:50 PM
I guess I need some clarification. How long were those two together? Did they live together? Was he a father figure to these kids for years? Because if they were a casual relationship for a few months, then the kids can live without him. If he is a father figure to these kids, and she so badly wants him to spend time with them, then he and the kids can go somewhere public or to your house...he does NOT need to go to some other woman's house by himself for hours on end. There is NO justification for that.

Once again, his story is full of his "me-me-me" stuff and nothing about "us". It's all been about what YOU need to change, what YOU need to accept...what about him? He does realize a relationship is TWO people, not one, right?

I'm sorry hun, but the more you post about him, the more I wonder if he's right for you. You're SO sweet and kind and wonderful; you've never been anything but that to anyone here. I'm really starting to wonder if this guy even deserves you. He's trying to walk all over you and bend/shape/mold you to what he wants you to be, instead of accepting and loving you for the wonderful, strong woman you already are.

10-03-2007, 11:57 PM
OMG he is SOOOO messing around with his ex. How can you even agree to that request? His ex's kids are more important to him than you are? Basically that's just a more PC way for him to say that his EX is more important than you. It just sounds better to say "I'm doing it for the kids". And he put you through this as an "experiment"????? Are you kidding me???? Honey, you dodged a bullet. Move on.

10-04-2007, 10:45 AM
There are RED FLAGS all over the place!! Marseille is right--he's back with his ex and using the kids as an excuse.

Why would you want to be married to someone that puts ANYONE ELSE before you? Think more highly of yourself and move on...you don't need to be second place in his life. Period.

10-04-2007, 10:54 AM
Folding clothes helps to destress me.

10-04-2007, 11:42 AM
alana jo....want to come fold my clothes that would destress me also:D

10-04-2007, 09:14 PM
Yeah, so he came back last night with a rose and said he was ready to make things work. And this afternoon, he said he was mistaken, he doesn't know if he even WANTS this to work...let alone make an attempt. He said he'll try seeing a counselor. But he can't promise anything. He's going to "give it all he's got", but that isn't much...he's pretty much done.

I feel broken all over again. I opened my heart back up, trusted him that he was really ready, and 12 hours later he left all over.

I can't keep doing this. I really just can't. I feel like the most worthless person on the planet, but even so, I know I don't deserve this pain. I don't want it. I just want to shut my heart and head off, and forget.

10-04-2007, 09:18 PM
Yikes! Toni, I don't know what to say. He's got to stop that wishy-washy crap. Tell him to "go" or get off the pot, but he can't keep putting you through the ringer like this! Did you mention to him that there's something very broken about him putting some non-biological children before his wife?

Was he coming over just to get his ... um, "needs" met?

Edit: YOU are not worthless. You are a beautiful and caring individual who deserves to be with another beautiful and caring individual. Do not cast pearls before swine.

10-04-2007, 09:25 PM
Talk to your lawyer.

I would get the locks changed, but ask your lawyer about that. I think if he leaves, it's abandonment.

Soon he's likely going to turn this into all your fault anyway. Stop being jerked around. Open new bank accounts with just your name on them, and start depositing your paychecks into your own accounts.

You need to stop being nice and start thinking of your own survival. Really!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you... :hug:


10-04-2007, 09:46 PM
Nobody deserves to be anybody's door mat. Its now time to do what's best for yourself. Don't waste anymore time on this loser! He obviously doesn't care about how any of this hurts you.

10-04-2007, 10:17 PM
You certainly don't deserve this pain, Toni. What he has done to you is so cruel. It makes me sick. You need to think about YOU only from now on. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be with someone you can trust, someone who loves you, not someone who is so clearly emotionally manipulative and unbelievably selfish.

I wouldn't even communicate directly with him from this point on. Tell him he can talk to your lawyer if he's got something to say.

As for worthlessness, he's the worthless one in this scenario, NOT YOU. He's not worthy of your love, your loyalty or your tears. :hug:

10-04-2007, 10:46 PM
You certainly don't deserve this pain, Toni. What he has done to you is so cruel. It makes me sick. You need to think about YOU only from now on. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be with someone you can trust, someone who loves you, not someone who is so clearly emotionally manipulative and unbelievably selfish.

I wouldn't even communicate directly with him from this point on. Tell him he can talk to your lawyer if he's got something to say.

As for worthlessness, he's the worthless one in this scenario, NOT YOU. He's not worthy of your love, your loyalty or your tears. :hug:

Co-Sign! Everything she said was on my brain. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

10-04-2007, 10:58 PM
I don't even have anything to say this time. I just wanted to give you a BIIIIIIIG :hug:. We all love you Toni. You are NOT worthless or any other negative thing you can think to call yourself. You are wonderful and sweet and beautiful. And you deserve so much better than this guy.

10-05-2007, 05:55 AM
I walk along the beach. Washington state has beautiful beaches and mountains.

10-05-2007, 11:00 AM
four simple words... hot bath - candles - book.

I lock the door in the bathroom and spend an hour just destressing. Kids know it's a time not to bother mommy. Heck sometimes I get so frazzled, my husband will send the kids out to play and run my bath for me :)

10-05-2007, 03:25 PM
Toni, I am so sorry that he is putting you through this. You deserve so much better.

My two cents... he's made it clear what's important to him. Sadly, that is not you. As MarinePrincess put it, he only has the "me-me-me" mentality and has not even considered how you are being affected by all this.

It is time to pull the plug, let him discuss any further details with your attorney. Please take the necessary steps NOW to protect yourself, open your own bank accounts, hire an attorney to find out what your rights are in your state and circumstances, maybe even hire a PI to investigate what is truly going on (in some states, if he's been having an affair you can sue the other woman).

I know, I know, I know, this is AWFUL! But you will get through this and we are all here for you!


10-05-2007, 05:23 PM
Talk to your lawyer.

I would get the locks changed, but ask your lawyer about that. I think if he leaves, it's abandonment.

Soon he's likely going to turn this into all your fault anyway. Stop being jerked around. Open new bank accounts with just your name on them, and start depositing your paychecks into your own accounts.

You need to stop being nice and start thinking of your own survival. Really!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you... :hug:


What I would have said to a TEE. You need to think about YOU now. Nobody in this situation you are in is thinking about YOU. You're concerned with him and he's concerned with him. It may hurt right now....but it's like a band-aid. Pull it off and get rid of it as fast as you can so you can start to heal. You can't heal if you keep allowing the sore to be opened again and again. Don't take him back again! He'll only hurt you. You deserve so much more!!!!! Focus on YOU right now.... nobody else!!! :hug:

11-07-2007, 01:52 PM
I'm thinking of you, WinterStarzz, and I hope you are doing well given your situation. Take care!