General chatter - Relationships and Being Aggressive




lola06
09-05-2007, 02:16 AM
Hello Ladies, I'm hoping to get a little advice on a dating situation. First of all, since I've started really losing weight, my dating life has really started to pick up and I'm glad. But I realized that I've never been in a relationship that wasn't just a casual dating thing. Sometimes I'm unsure of what to do and how to behave.

I posted an online ad over a month ago and a much older man was one of the responders. He was out of the age range specified, but there was something about the way he communicated that I liked, not to mention the fact that he was pretty attractive. Long story short, we e-mail back and forth for a few weeks and finally got together last week. From the moment we actually met we clicked, the night passed by so quickly, I felt like I'd known him for years. We ended up having sex, which I never do, but it felt good and right. Before I left He asked if we could get together again and I said yes, he also e-mailed me after I got home that next day telling me how much he enjoyed our time together. I sent a response to him later that night and haven't heard from him since. It's been four days and I'm wondering whether or not I should send another e-mail or wait for him to respond? I feel so incredibly nervous and anxious, like maybe the time we spent together wasn't as great as we both thought it was? I genuinely like this man as a person and really want to get to know him.

What do you think?


Blueyedblond
09-05-2007, 03:29 AM
hmmmm - this is a toughy - and a bit of a sensitive issue since you were intimate with him. I'm not passing judgement in any way - just so you know, but I really think that some guys like the chase - and if they get what they are chasing right away - well, there is nothing left, it's almost like there is no need to get to know you (which is what i believe gets them hooked)
This is NOT a lecture - im just saying what it COULD be - I could be VERY wrong, and he could contact you tomorrow ;) I hope he calls you, and if he does not - well then he isn't really as great as he initially seemed and you are better off. I hope he calls you!

JerseyGyrl
09-05-2007, 07:20 AM
Hi Lola,

I agree with Blueyedblond...MOST men (luckily NOT ALL) tend to enjoy the chase. Being intimate has a different meaning for a man than it does for a woman (again, NOT ALL men). I think its fair to say, most women are looking for a relationship but, most men aren't.

I hope you hear from him again. You reached out to him, he hasn't responded. Perhaps he will....perhaps he won't. I always say "relationships begin with respect & communication"....if you don't have those....you don't have a relationship. The question you need to ask yourself is, if he doesn't respond....is this the kind of man you'd really want to have a relationship with?

All the best to you!!!

Kim


kelligirl
09-05-2007, 07:24 AM
Yeah, I have been through that game before (I'm an ex-military chick). It's weird because some guys are ******ed with women and in my experience, the more you act like you like the guy, they less interested he is in you. The second you act like you don't care whether he calls or emails, he's hooked and HAS to have you. I would let it go and wait for him to email you and then when he does finally email you, go ahead and wait a while before emailing him back. Act like you are midly interested and could take it or leave it even though you think about him constantly. I know its a stupid game, but it keeps em guessing, which is a good thing. You deseve better than someone that will leave you hanging anyway. I have (in the past, I am married now) spent nights wonding why and making excuses for guys that didn't call me back. I personally, wouldn't under any circumstance write or call your man back. He has your last email and knows that you are interested in him -it's his turn.

It also sounds like he may possibly be starting think that he has this hot young chickie (you) hanging around at his disposal and that is not a place where you want to be. You are a hot mama and feeling good about yourself and don't need to be made to feel less than that. If anything, he should be at your disposal, but now by not emailing you he has left you on the side of wanting more of him when you want it to be the other way around. You want to gain your position back. Don't email him.

Pita09
09-05-2007, 09:00 AM
My relationship came from online and I know many women that do online dating and there are real success stories and stories like yours. It's hard to know what to do, but I wouldn't send another mail unless you think there is any kind of chance he didn't get the one from you. I would be tempted to lash out with an email but that will do no good. Move on and wait for someone that will treat you the way you deserve. :hug:

Oh and don't let age stand in your way. My Sweetie is 23 years older than me and my relationship is the stuff of dreams. :)

nelie
09-05-2007, 10:55 AM
Do you have his phone number? Perhaps call him? Also, I know you felt pretty comfortable with him but I think it is in your best interest to know someone for a while before you get intimate unless you are ok with being intimate with someone who may disappear the next day.

Lafayette
09-05-2007, 11:21 AM
Also not judging... I've made tons of bad decisions with guys. I can't even count how many guys I've tried to analyze!

I finally decided that I wasn't going to have anything to do with men who weren't considerate and it was the best decision I ever made. I decided it wasn't my job to train a man to behave appropriately. I decided anything less than an equal partnership with someone I could respect on an intellectual level was simply unacceptable. I also started to be polite but frank with potential mates. Instead of not calling back or doing the "it's not you, it's me" dance, I started being a big girl and saying exactly what I didn't like. I found that, when honestly and calmly confronted, most men flat out admit they won't change. Big surprise. Very few apologized for their behavior- another good sign I was making the right choices. Sadly, I also learned that some who apologize will do the exact same thing again. Since I refuse to adopt the three strikes rule, I just calmly let them know I found it unacceptable the first time and unforgiveable the second time and walked away.

Now, my fiance and I have one guiding principle in our relationship- we spoil each other shamelessly. That way, if we start to slack off due to work or other obligations, we're still treating each other extremely well. We have maintained open communication from the start of our relationship and, while neither of us is perfect, we both make the effort to address little things before they fester into larger issues. It's heaven (and takes effort) and was well worth waiting for!

I wish you lots of luck and am sending you a big hug... you'll find a real man. I promise!

lola06
09-05-2007, 03:46 PM
Ladies, thank you so much for your advice. I have to admit that I e-mailed him! I just couldn't take it anymore, it was bothering me. I've reached a point in my life with men that I don't want them to ever guess how I feel. I feel so relieved having sent it, no matter the outcome. I realize this could either be in my favor or drastically work against me, but I had to take the risk.

I'm typically the woman that will never make the first move with a man. If he doesn't call or e-mail, I might reel over it for a while, but I usually will let it go. But there was something about him that really made me feel comfortable doing this. But I know this could potentially end badly.

I truly appreciate your advice, and I will be certain to follow it next time. And no more sex on the first date, no matter how "right" it feels. This is hard. Being single really sucks sometimes.

AndyNY
09-05-2007, 04:21 PM
Coming from a guy's perspective, it sounds like you got played.

Don't trust us. We're scumbags. And don't sleep with us on the first date. It's not a moral thing, it just sends a bad message. It doesn't matter how into a girl I am, if she seems receptive to sleeping with me on the first date I usually conclude things and hightail it out of there. The appearance is that you're either desperate or easy. (I'm not saying you're either, I'm just saying as a guy, that's the message it sends.)

But regarding the more general issue, if a guy doesn't contact you back, don't bother with him.

Lafayette
09-05-2007, 05:30 PM
Lola, I'm glad you sent the e-mail. I truly hope you get some response or closure.

You're right, being single can suck but remember it can also be a lot of fun. I was the "resource" for all of my friends when they were in between relationships- being single "by choice," I knew all of the $1 burger specials, best happy hours and delivery guys. I had a blast being carefree and eating over my sink... I was truly happy and content. I embraced being single and just enjoyed evenings of flirting without looking. It was fabulous for my confidence and gave me a great opportunity to achieve professional and financial goals on my own.

I agree with Andy, this is his last chance to realize you're awesome... as my sainted (and long-suffering) mother once said, "A bus comes by every 15 minutes!" For a while, I added, "Lucky for me, I own a car!"

lola06
09-05-2007, 06:55 PM
I certainly do appreciate Andy's honesty and candor. But I'm curious, why are men allowed to just say they're scumbags, have no morals about how they treat women, and get away with it with no consequence? That's it end of story? Why does sex on a first date equal some moral judgement on me as a woman and nothing about his actions?

Why must I play a game to get what I want? Why don't men want a woman who's upfront and honest? Why does honesty and being genuine about how you're feeling have to equal being easy or desperate? If I'm easy, why doesn't it make the man equally as easy, therefore undesirable? Why do men get trophies and put on a pedestal for sexual conquests but women are castigated from both men and women alike?

I'm just wondering?

techwife
09-05-2007, 06:56 PM
I would have sent one more e-mail, too. Reason being is you have nothing to lose and this way you know you tried. I mean, maybe he didn't get the first e-mail..on the other hand, if he was TRULY interested, he would be trying to get to you no matter what. Anyhow....

I hope he calls you back...and from now on...no nooky on the first date...or second date, for that matter. PS...I got played millions of times (well, maybe not millions...but it was the 80s you know...) and dumped before breakfast. You're not alone...just learn from your mistakes before you're heart truly gets pureed. :hugs:

techwife
09-05-2007, 07:00 PM
I certainly do appreciate Andy's honesty and candor. But I'm curious, why are men allowed to just say they're scumbags, have no morals about how they treat women, and get away with it with no consequence? That's it end of story? Why does sex on a first date equal some moral judgement on me as a woman and nothing about his actions?

Why must I play a game to get what I want? Why don't men want a woman who's upfront and honest? Why does honesty and being genuine about how you're feeling have to equal being easy or desperate? If I'm easy, why doesn't it make the man equally as easy, therefore undesirable? Why do men get trophies and put on a pedestal for sexual conquests but women are castigated from both men and women alike?

I'm just wondering?

Not sticking up for scumbag men (not saying Andy is....he just knows men because he's a man and knows how they are)...but that's just the way it is. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Totally different motivators involved. Men want to sow the seeds, the women want to care for them and raise them. As Dr. Laura would say (I strongly dislike Dr. Laura, for the record...but this saying I believe in) ...all men are male, but a true man is hard to find and knows how to control himself. ;)

nelie
09-05-2007, 07:26 PM
Lola,

I wouldn't say all men are scumbags or would treat women poorly. Some men aren't looking for a real relationship but rather looking just for sex. Some men are looking for a real relationship but even if you aren't the one or they aren't sure, they will be happy to go for the sex if they can get it. Other men are looking for a real relationship and will have sex only if the think it has possibilities or if there is some commitment. You know what though? Men aren't the only one that fit into those 3 categories, women do as well.

So unless you express your desires up front to only be intimate if you think it can be a real relationship, then some men can be stupid and can go for sex anyway. Other men may not care what your feelings about the subject are but will try to have sex with you anyway. He may have thought that if you were willing to have sex on the first date then you too were ok with it only being a physical thing that night and would be ok if nothing further every happened.

techwife
09-05-2007, 07:38 PM
Lola,

I wouldn't say all men are scumbags or would treat women poorly. Some men aren't looking for a real relationship but rather looking just for sex. Some men are looking for a real relationship but even if you aren't the one or they aren't sure, they will be happy to go for the sex if they can get it. Other men are looking for a real relationship and will have sex only if the think it has possibilities or if there is some commitment. You know what though? Men aren't the only one that fit into those 3 categories, women do as well.

So unless you express your desires up front to only be intimate if you think it can be a real relationship, then some men can be stupid and can go for sex anyway. Other men may not care what your feelings about the subject are but will try to have sex with you anyway. He may have thought that if you were willing to have sex on the first date then you too were ok with it only being a physical thing that night and would be ok if nothing further every happened.

What she said. Nelie definitely knows her stuff and knows how to put it in the right words. ;)

AndyNY
09-05-2007, 08:01 PM
I don't actually believe that all men are scumbags, or that even most men are scumbags. A lot are, of course, and even more will be when the opportunity presents itself.

There is certainly a double-standard for men and woman in regards to who is "easy" and who is a "stud." But that's the price you pay for being generally seen as the pursued rather than the pursuer.

Here's the thing, people tend to value things in direct relation to the extent they have to work for them. So if you give too much of yourself -- physically, emotionally, or spiritually -- too soon, it often makes you seem less desirable. That's not a game, that's just human nature.

Don't get too down on yourself or on guys and dating. Things might still work out with this guy, and if not then that's okay too because that just means he wasn't right for you anyway and it's good that you found that out after one evening. Some people don't find that out until years into a relationship.

Blueyedblond
09-06-2007, 04:35 AM
Lola - I don't think of all that call/dont call stuff is completely games. The truth is men and women are hard wired differently.

I have learned to be very independent in my years of dating/relationships. (I have never been married)
I love love love my independence - and I have found that majority of men find the fact that I am independent emotionally and financially quite a relief - and that makes it easier for them to get close. I have to admit, it feels good too - it freed me of feelings of insecurity and jealousy etc. Less than a year ago i finally moved in with my bf of more than 2 1/2 years, and i have to tell you, it was soooooo hard for me to do BECAUSE I had become so independent. That's not to say that I don't get my feelings hurt, or have emotional needs - I just am able to move on from things easier.

lilybelle
09-06-2007, 05:09 AM
Lola,

I hate to admit this but some men are the way they are because we as women/mother's taught them this. I have a very great looking 21 yr. old son. I admit that I taught him by the age of 15 yrs. old that if a lady is willing to hop in bed with him on the first date, that she'll do the same exact same thing with the next pretty face that comes along. I'm not at all proud to admit that he has had more than his fair share of one-night stands.

I'm not making a moral judgement about you personally, I'm just letting you know what I taught my son.

I also have a 15 yr. old daughter and I've taught her the same thing about men. Not only would they sleep with her if given the chance, they'd be with someone else by the following weekend and they'd make sure everyone in town found out about it.

All of this coming from a woman that is 47 yrs. old, has had 3 husbands and tons of heartache.

I actually think ANDY's advice is right on the money.

lola06
09-06-2007, 05:52 PM
Lilybelle, I understand what you're saying. I just think when it comes to things like this we almost always see the issue or place moral judgements on the other person and think nothing of the choices we make. It's like saying well, if she's willing to sleep with me I'll do it but she's a skank and I won't respect her afterwards, but thinking nothing of his own actions. But I do believe you get it.

It's hard to realize you had a lapse in judgement, which I did. Now I have to deal with the fallout from the choice I made. It's not easy, it hurts, and I feel stupid. But I'm a big girl and I'll eventually move on.
Thanks All

Lafayette
09-06-2007, 06:10 PM
Men do pay for being scumbags. They don't get great girls. I think that's fair!

Lainey2
09-06-2007, 06:34 PM
Thank you AndyNY for your honesty and candor. If you want to know how a guy thinks, then ask a guy. You may not like the answer, but at least it's the truth. Why make all kinds of excuses for the guy, when it's pretty clear what happened? You deserve better. Move on.