100 lb. Club - Pool parties

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08-25-2007, 07:39 PM
Please tell me I'm not the only person who HATES pool parties????

We are invited to a pool party tomorrow. I will not be going in the pool. My kids (5+7) will not go in the pool without me, so they will spent the whole party hanging on me bored because all the kids will be in the pool.

There is no shade around the pool, little seating, and it will be blazing hot tomorrow.:(

I am so miserable, every year we have to go to this party and I suffer through it. They are close friends and I really do have to go.

Dose anyone else go through this?:(

08-25-2007, 08:04 PM
Wow, that's tough. I can't say I go through this. I highly recommend either not going OR just sucking it up and getting in the pool. I don't think it's fair that your children be sidelined because of your insecurities. That may sound harsh but it's what I really and truly believe. Why do you have to please these "people" who are throwing the party...at the expense of your kids? It really makes me sad to think of them on the side of the pool, broiling in the sun, watching everyone else have fun....

Are those really the memories you want them to have of you when they're grown?

08-25-2007, 08:46 PM
I feel your pain. There is a select group of people allowed to see me in a bathing suit. That includes all of my DD's friends, my best friends, and extended family. However, should any of my best friends be having a party with other friends of theirs attending, you will not catch me in a bathing suit. I am fortunate that because of vacations, and having our own pool, my DD, 9 years old, is a swimmer and doesn't require me in the pool with her. That ended when she was 4 years old and wanted to swim with the big kids. If I were you, I would get my kids some swimming lessons, and encourage their independence. They are not babies anymore and should be able to swim without clinging to you. They should be able to not cling to you at all unless they are seriously ill or frightened by something traumatic. I hope you find a better way to deal with this annual problem next year. Maybe next year we will both be thin enough to be comfortable in our bathing suits in public. Good luck!

08-25-2007, 09:32 PM
I have to say that I agree with Royals on this one. It isn't fair to your kids that they aren't allowed to swim and play with the other kids because you are insecure. Skip it or swallow your pride and get in.

08-25-2007, 09:43 PM
Wow.. I guess you can never have enough guilt about not being able to be the perfect mother.

Thanks for the "support".

08-25-2007, 09:50 PM
CrispyMama, you sound a little bitter, and I'm sorry for that. But to look at it from the other posters's standpoint wouldn't you think the same thing? What do you believe will happen if these people see you in a bathing suit?

Maybe you could don something other than a bathing suit? Maybe just a pair of shorts so you can go in up to your waist, or sit on the edge with your feet in the pool? It sounds like not going is not an option so perhaps if you put your brain to it you can come up with a compromise and you (and your kids) can still have a good time. Good luck!

08-25-2007, 10:27 PM
I don't think bitter describes how I feel now. Hurt, upset, crying sounds right. I didn't mean for my post to sound bitter, but I was shocked and upset buy the tough love slap.

I am a sensitive person and would probably describe myself as an introvert. Just going to the party is hard for me but I go to support my friend.

I didn't feel like I could talk about this with friends, so I posted on this forum looking for someone who understood how I was feeling.

08-25-2007, 10:49 PM
Wow Crispy....sorry you are so upset.

If these people are close friends, then why don't you feel safe getting in the pool around them. You don't need to answer that question here...just ask yourself that question.

I went to a pool party with my DD in June. The other 2 moms and I all got in the pool. None of us are tiny, but we support each other and would never criticize each other about how we look in a suit. If you feel the people at the party are going to look down on you because you don't have a 'perfect bathing suit body', then don't go. If your kids will not swim without you, its not fair to have them there. Or go alone, and take an umbrella. Spend the time socializing and supporting your friend.

I avoided the beach and the pool for 5 years, because I was embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit. Then I hit the time that I didn't care who saw me. I was swimming so my kids could play, not to be eye candy to some stranger. I wasn't looking to impress anyone, and at the same time...no strangers ever said anything to me. They can think all the crap they want to. If someone says something unkind to you because you are in a bathing suit and they don't think you should be...well...shame on them!

Ultimately it your choice to go be miserable and makes your kids miserable too. Or Not. And there's 2 ways to do the not....swim or stay home. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings again, but please think of your babies. They want to have fun with mommy....no matter how she looks in a bathing suit. They love you!

08-25-2007, 10:57 PM
I'm sorry that you are feeling so down about this. I think that we all have something that we aren't comfortable doing because of our weight. Are you kids able to swim on their own? Or is there a close friend or relative that would be there and be willing to swim with them?

Here's a hug for you. :hug: I know you will be able to get through this... wear a lot of sunscreen, drink plenty of water and enjoy the company of your friends.

08-26-2007, 12:31 AM
Hugs to you! I also do think if you and your kids go, they really will want to be in the pool. It there anyone you could take with you that would get in with them? How about someone at the party that could get in with them? I think all 3 of you will be so much happier if you could find a way for them to get to swim. Another idea, is there an older child (like a babysitter) you could take that would be with the kids in the pool?

Speaking of swimming, I am really really big on kids learning to swim at an early age! If you have a YMCA nearby that might be a great project for you and your kids this fall/winter. The older they get the more frightened they can be and also honestly as they get older (however even as young as 8ish), they can get very embarrassed if they do not know how to swim. As I am sure you know, it is also a major safety issue, they are all their lives so many times going to be around water and kids from toddlers to teenagers goof around and don't even realize some people don't know how to swim. Then, next year you'll be bathing suit ready and your kids will be like little fish!! Good luck. Also, 1 other idea, just put that suit on, maybe wear a pair of shorts (who cares if you go in with your shorts), stay in the pool, put a towel nearby and as soon as you hop out wrap it around you. You and the kids have FUN!:dizzy:;)

08-26-2007, 12:49 AM
It's late in the season and maybe too late to find one, but I bought a cover up this year that covers from my armpits to mid-calf. It's really lightweight and I've worn it in the water with no problems. I love to swim and decided that my weight wasn't going to keep me from doing so. And I have never had anyone say anything to me about it. I'm way too fat for a halter neck, regular cut swimsuit- no skirt or anything, but I wear it anyways. I swim in just my suit if I'm in the pool at my apartment or with friends/family at the beach. Only wear the coverup if I go to the beach alone. In those circumstances, I swim in Lake Erie in my coverup. It's long and white and frothy so it feels romantic and...well, I don't know, maybe a bit forbidden? like swimming in your clothes, but it's alright.

Hope you find a compramise that allows everyone to have a great time.

08-26-2007, 01:08 AM
I can completely understand your feelings on this, CrispyMama. It's very easy to say "just go in the pool", but we all have varying degrees of self-consiousness abour our bodies. Me: I don't wear short sleeves or shorts, let alone a bathing suit (and I'd rather be run over by a truck than wear one in public). It can be 115 degrees outside and I won't do it. Your children are old enough that if they really wanted to go in, they should, but you should not feel guilty because they are feeling clingy. You didn't set that rule, it seems they set it for themselves, even if they are kids. Maybe you can compromise by sitting on the edge of the pool dangling your feet in the water? Also, since they are a year older than last year, maybe they will want to play with the kids rather than hang with you this time!

Good luck! Oh and to answer your question, I HATE pool parties too...

08-26-2007, 04:40 AM
CrispyMama, I'm sorry you're upset, but you posted looking for advice and the previous chicks gave you some sound advice.

I never learned how to swim, and now I want to so I'm purchasing a sheer or mesh cover up (http://www.amazon.com/SunGrubbies-com-Swimwear-Coverup-Sheer/dp/B000JWJLTA). Maybe you could find one also. Lane Bryant has some too, I believe.

Good luck!

08-26-2007, 05:12 AM
I don't think she was asking for advice for what to do at the party, JellyBelly, she was asking if anyone could identify with her feelings about pool parties. We should all be welcome to express our insecurities without judgement. I think constructive suggestions are an important part of this support process, but she shouldn't be made to feel like she isn't being a good mom for not parading around in a swimsuit in front of non-family members.

Okay, now I'm going to be quiet. :tape:

08-26-2007, 07:47 AM
C.C. Thank you soooo much!!! :hug:

Every year (at this party) I encourage my kids to go in the pool, I'm happy to help them get ready, sit by the pool, whatever...just not go in. They can manage fine in the water without me, but choose not to. I always felt this was their choice. Maybe this year will be different, who knows.

My oldest has always hated the water, including baths, and the younger loves the water but likes to do what the older is doing. So be it. I never expected to be grilled about not sacrificing for their happiness. My kids have a sweet life and if they have a not so fun time today (at a child's birthday party for crying out loud!) they will forget about it 10 minutes after we leave.

But this is a message board in cyber space, maybe not a good place for me (personally) to express my feelings. I did not expect judgment (my fault) and I did get upset, if I over reacted I'm sorry.

08-26-2007, 08:20 AM
You didn't say why you wouldn't go in, and folks are assuming that you won't go in because of being insecure about your weight. Is this the case, or is it because you don't know how to swim?

If you don't like bathing suits, wear a comfy set of shorts and a T-shirt- I see many folks doing that nowadays, even thin folks! I hope it isn't because you feel self conscious about your weight. I swim regularly, and I love it. Also, folks don't see the excess weight in the pool. :D Think of it as a nice way to get some exercise in, while having fun! I've never tried any of the cover ups before- I've seen them, but for me, I think they would be too restrictive. I love to play in the water myself, so I just wear my two piece in there (not a bikini, heh heh, everything is covered up nicely) and sometimes I wear my shorts in with my two piece, depending on where I am. Also, bring a change of clothes so you can change once you get out of the pool, or use a summer dress to go over your bathing suit (I've done that numerous times, LOL).

Also, perhaps if you just got into the pool long enough for your kids to feel comfy in there, maybe they will stay in the pool this year without you. A year makes a difference in kids, this may be the year they stop clinging and try to enjoy themselves. :D

Can you bring your own folding chair? Perhaps like another person suggested, bring an umbrella with it so you can stay cool.

Please don't feel bad about what folks said above- I agree with them, but it was NOT meant to hurt you. :hug: Folks just want you to enjoy this time with your children- remember, they won't remember how heavy we were years up the road- they'll remember the fun, love and happy memories we created together while they were young. That's all my kids talk about from the past- the fun and great times. They don't remember me being fat or thin at those times, they remember me as a fun Mom who enjoyed my time with them, no matter where we were or what weight I was at!

Enjoy every moment of their childhood- pretty soon, you'll be looking at colleges and for Driver's Ed schools like I am for my oldest daughter, asking yourself......where did the time go? I feel right now like I haven't had enough time with them, and now, as she enters 10th grade, my heart just breaks knowing in two years, she'll be on her way to adulthood.

08-26-2007, 08:43 AM
I apologize. I re-read the first post and CC is right. You weren't looking for advice. I opened my big mouth and gave you what I thought was friendly advice and you were really just looking for people who could commiserate or identify. Again, I apologize. I won't do it again.

08-26-2007, 09:45 AM
Oh boy. Can I ever relate to you Crispy. That was me to a T. My good friends always made a pool party for the 4th of July. I dreaded it, dreaded it, DREADED it. I refused to get into a bathing suit. Luckily though, my husband took the kids into the pool. But I was still left there sitting on the sidelines, in the sweltering heat.

I must say, not swimming with my kids is one of my biggest regrets as I look back. I didn't swim with them for years. I hated it and THEY hated it. Yes, they mentioned it. We all missed out on so much. :)

I'm happy to say that this summer, after more then 15 years of suffering summer after summer, I went swimming. You couldn't keep me OUT of the pool.

And I got to go swimming with one of my kids. And I cried like a baby when I first stepped foot in that pool. In fact, my eyes are welling up right now.

Crispy - :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

08-26-2007, 11:36 AM
Thank you to everyone who took the time to post. I will think about everything that was said. Thank you Robin for your understanding and hindsight perspective.

Well...I worried about the party, posted, got upset, got over it and now the party is a few hours away and it looks like rain. Ironic.

08-26-2007, 12:10 PM
If the party isn't cancelled I hope you and your kids are able to go and enjoy yourselves. It may be a little late to post and be of any help for this particular situation but I'll go ahead and post my thoughts in the event that it might be useful to somebody else down the road.

I am assuming that the reason you don't want to go into the pool is because your weight makes you feel insecure. I know for certain that was why I didn't like to take my kids swimming when I was 200+ pounds (or go walking, or go to the gym, or to the movies, the list goes on and on...). Then one day a light bulb went off. I realized that I was letting life pass me by because I was fat. I took my kids to the pool and would sit on the sidelines. And why? It wasn't as if I could show up in a turtle neck and pants and people wouldn't know I was fat. News flash...there was no hiding the fact that I was 100 pounds overweight! So, I realized that I had a choice. I could sit and be hot and miserable or I could bite the bullet and climb in the pool to cool down and have fun with my kids. And you know what? I still felt a little insecure but it was MUCH easier to think to myself, "ahh, screw it!" when I was having a good time with my children. I realized that people weren't paying as much attention to the "fat lady" as I had built them up to be. And, frankly, if someone was going to be insensitive enough to point and stare(which is what I was always afraid of...having attention called to the fact that I was fat) at me then they were going to do it whether I was hiding or splashing around like a lunatic. What I found out was that getting involved in the activity at hand actually drew LESS attention to my weight than going out of my way to not be seen. I mean, swimming around didn't make me stand out at the pool because that is what everybody else was doing. On the other hand, sitting out of the pool and looking uncomfortable and unhappy made me stand out like a sore thumb! So, if you don't want to get in the pool DON"T...but make sure it is for the RIGHT reason (you can't swim, don't like to swim, etc). But, if it is hot and you want to take a dip to cool off or have fun with your children the by all means...HAVE FUN! Remember, being overweight isn't a character flaw. You have as much right to enjoy your life as anyone else. And the only person who can keep you from doing just that is you!

08-26-2007, 05:16 PM
Crispy - I relate to getting feelings hurt here. I've been told things that were accurate, but that I wasn't ready to hear, and things that were - quite frankly - incorrect (at least in my opinion). But I've gotten so much intelligent support and feedback that it's worth the risk to me. And even the things I wasn't ready to hear have made me stop and think, and have aided me in my progression. I hope you know that no one intended to hurt your feelings, as least the way I read the posts. I hope that, however the situation was resolved, it came out well.

Having said that, though, I do want to join the cheering squad of those who want to help you to face your insecurities. We all have them, and that's why we tend to feel so strongly about them. I just watched Hairspray, and I want to recommend it. It's not realistic, but it's a lot of fun. Nikki Blonsky stars as Tracy Turnblad, and you can't imagine the number of close-ups they have of her ample proportions as she dances through the movie. I don't know if I could do it, but I have so much admiration for her that she did do it. She wouldn't have had this experience if she had let her weight dictate her career choice.

There will always be catty people who make fun of us for our size, but these are the same people that make fun of the girl with the perfect body because she has a strange-looking mole, or whatever... We just tend to limit ourselves so much more than we need to because of fear of what other people will think. I happen to believe that most people are rooting for most other people. So, if you can, find yourself something to swim in that will be comfortable for you and make some memories with those darling children of yours at the next pool party!!! I agree with you - they will survive a horrible, sweltering, uncomfortable day, as will you. But wouldn't it be so much better as a day of triumph, when you conquered your fear and enjoyed the pool with your children? Good luck to you, whatever your decision.