General chatter - Is your boyfriend / husband.....




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Blueyedblond
08-20-2007, 05:09 AM
I want to know if anyone else has a non affectionate bf/husband?
I am an affectionate person, im not clingy or needy, but I like a the occasional hug/kiss/cuddle etc. I also like to hear an occasional comliment or "I love you"

I tell my boyfriend I love you, and he says "I know"
I walk up to hug him when he gets home from work and he says "What!??" - not always, but I just think that is plain ol rude. He has also told me he does not "Love" anybody. All this from the man who pushed for me to move in with him, and I did. Why do you want someone that involved in your life if you are not "In love" with them.

We have been together for 3 years. We get along really well, we are a good match as far as living our daily lives - the day to day stuff, and we genuinly enjoy each other, we have fun together, we laugh alot, we have a nice social life with friends and family. So why do i feel like I am missing something, why can i just not accept that he loves me but he does not buy into the whole "IN LOVE" thing.

I know that there are guys out there who fall in love - we have friends, couples, where its obvious to me that they love each other - that the guy loves the girl. I want that.

I actually told him that I'm not so sure we are meant for each other anymore.

Im 31, i have spent 3 years with him and I can't imagine starting over anymore. I have never been married, but I want to, and I want to have a baby - before Im 34. I guess Im wondering if I just take what I have, because afterall with the acception of not feeling loved - we get along amazingly. Yup, I love him, and he really likes me. If its good enough 4 him, maybe it could be good enough for me, and i will eventually get over the empty feeling I have??:cry:

PS - I dont believe he has always been like this - een though I have been told he has (i have reason)


Mom2QJandT
08-20-2007, 06:54 AM
I was married for 9 years to someone that was totally unaffectionate and pretty much exactly how your boyfriend sounds. Notice I said "was". It won't work. Eventually that need for affection and to hear the words will drive you mad. I got really, really heavy during my marriage and now, looking back, I can see that it was a defense mechanism. You're a beautiful girl, there are a million men out there that would treat you like royalty. Don't settle for one that isn't right for you just because it's scary to start over. It will be a lot harder to start over 10 years from now when you realize that you need more.

Hugs,
Carrie

tanyaf
08-20-2007, 07:05 AM
Only you can decide what's right for you, but it would be awfully lonely to live that way. And if you had kids, would he act that way towards them (since he doesn't love anyone)? That would be so sad.

There is someone out there who would adore you, not just like you. Can you pass that up for what's comfortable?

I've been married eleven years and every day is like the day we met. We don't just like one another, we're passionately in love with one another. It makes me sad when I see people who don't know that feeling.

It's sad because it sounds like he's been hurt awfully bad in the past, but sometimes you can't fix people, no matter how much you love them.

tanya


lilybelle
08-20-2007, 07:47 AM
I would definitely listen to what Carrie said. Don't settle for a man that says he "doesn't love anybody". You deserve better than this. You're young and beautiful and can find a person that the relationship is equal on the love spectrum. You feel something is "missing", it is. LOVE. There are some things in a relationship that can be overlooked , but this is one of those non-negotiable things. I wasted 8 yrs. of my life in this type of situation and moving on was hard, but I'm thankful I finally did it.

ennay
08-20-2007, 09:32 AM
Kids are HARD they are like little magnifying glasses on all the cracks in your relationship. Dont settle for a less than stellar relationship, its not fair to you and its not fair to future kids.

I grew up with parents who didnt love each other (they did NOT fight, they were "just friends" for the last 15 years ) and it seriously screwed my perception of love and relationships.

Jasmine31
08-20-2007, 09:37 AM
Other people may disagree with me but IMO 3 years is LONG enough to know whether or not you want to marry someone/spend the rest of your life together. I know you are not mentioning marriage here but it is something to think about.

And he can't even say I LOVE YOU. ???????

RUN!!!!! RUN FAR/ RUN FAST!!!

There are many men out there who will treat you as you deserve!!!!

Robin41
08-20-2007, 10:22 AM
I think you need to draw a distinction between non-affectionate and not being in love with you. Really different things. Some guys are't demonstrative but show you how much they love you in a million ways. My Dad was like that; not a hugger but did everything for his kids and wife. There was no doubt of his love.

A guy who tells you he doesn't love anybody means he doesn't love you specifically. Run far and fast. You deserve better; we all do. I have that relationship that you want and it's unbelievably fantastic. I can't imagine spending everyday with anything less.

Spinymouse
08-20-2007, 10:28 AM
Wow; I sound more like your boyfriend! BUT - I'm a self-proclaimed loner, so I'm not taking anyone else along on my cuddle-free trip through life. Just wouldn't seem fair to do so. Interesting question though -- I think a lot of times when people say they are in love, it is something else, that "feeling of temporary insanity" caused by hormones or who knows what. Maybe it's good that your guy is being honest and not exaggerating anything. (Hey, somebody has to stick up for him.) But again, what do I know?

aymster
08-20-2007, 11:00 AM
Ok, first of all: :hug:

I think you shouldn't compromise for the types of things you desire like affection and being told that someone loves you. I think those things are very important.

You should go with your gut. (And I think you know what the answer is). I had to let go of someone a long time ago and giving up the security, social life, some mutual friends, laughter, etc. It was extremely hard, but I needed to have certain things in my life that I was never going to get with this other person. I spent some time alone and then along came my husband. I am so lucky and glad I made that hard decision not to "settle" as I know now I wouldn't be happy.

I wish you well and hope you get what you need...

nelie
08-20-2007, 11:45 AM
I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to realize that someone you love is not the right person for you. So what are you going to do? Hang on for another 3 years, hoping he'll change? Have a baby and hope it fixes everything?

I was in a relationship (maybe a few) where I loved someone so much, I thought that I could live with the things that bothered me. Luckily, I ended up finding my husband (at the age of 30) and getting married a little over a year later. He is very affectionate and I often wonder how my life would've been if I had "settled" for other guys that I knew weren't quite the right match.

I would say, evaluate your relationship now before trying to hang on a few more years and seeing if it is what you want. Don't settle.

FrouFrou
08-20-2007, 01:28 PM
I am with you Spinymouse...and you sound like me & my DD. She says it's just chemicals, lol. It's the same chemicals that produce depression and schizophrenia and it's an overused word that doesn't mean anything and people say it out of routine, lol. I kind of agree with her. I mean really, how may times can you say something over and over before it loses it's meaning.

I think your (Blueyedblonde) SO is me. Don't get me wrong...I DO love my husband and I know he loves me and the occasional hug is fine with me. But...I don't feel the need to be told I love you on a daily basis, or 15 times a day. I don't need to be hugged when he comes home from work etc. I know he would like to be, lol.

To me it is just words after so many times. I KNOW he loves me and he knows I love him so I don't need to hear the words everyday, it becomes routine and that's not what I want. But he does anyway and instead of saying I love you back, I say more, lol. Sometimes I don't say anything, most times I don't say anything. As I said, it's routine and it seems the meaning gets lost when I hear it sooo much.

Again, though, at least he is being honest with you. Maybe he doesn't really know what love is. Apparently he is doing something right if you've been with him for three years. I know it's not enough to be content with a realationship that lacks what you want from it but, whose to say that there's not anything better out there??? You never really know. He sounds like a good guy other than what you mentioned.

kaplods
08-20-2007, 02:54 PM
There are men who don't think they have any emotions, at least not the kind women seem to have. But if his actions also say he doesn't love or value you, then you've got your answer.

My grandfather was the type that if asked "Why don't you say you love me," would have replied "I put food on the table don't I?" or "I changed your oil, didn't I?" In his generation taking care of your family was your way of showing love.

My dad didn't SAY "I love you," to any of us that I can remember, but he was always very huggy kissy, not only to mom (in that "icky" way, we kids thought) he was also always wrestling, hugging, and kissing us, always willing to play with us, even "tea party," and letting us use him as a "horsey."

The completely stoic man is a challenge, especially if you're wanting to have kids. It's really hard to tell a small child, "Daddy loves you, he just has a hard time showing it," especially if you don't completely believe it yourself.

You need to talk to him about these things. Has he ever loved or been in love with someone? What does he think love is? Does he see your relationship ending in marriage and children? How does he expect to show (or not show) affection to the kids...

You've been with him long enough to have a good idea about some of these things, but you need to talk to him to make sure you understand and can live with his answers as well as what his actions say independent of his words.

JerseyGyrl
08-20-2007, 02:56 PM
.

Im 31, i have spent 3 years with him and I can't imagine starting over anymore. I have never been married, but I want to, and I want to have a baby - before Im 34. I guess Im wondering if I just take what I have, because afterall with the acception of not feeling loved - we get along amazingly. Yup, I love him, and he really likes me. If its good enough 4 him, maybe it could be good enough for me, and i will eventually get over the empty feeling I have??:cry:




I'm not quite sure where to begin here but..when I read your post, I immediately thought of myself!! It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you are happy with this person. Honestly, IF you were happy with him, you would not be here questioning the relationship.

The first question I need to ask is, are you insecure about yourself? About your weight? About your own self worth? When I met my ex, we were in high school & I was very overweight. Being overweight made me very insecure about myself. He paid attention to me when no one else really did, so...at 20 years old, I "settled" for that and I married him. Was I "in love"?? Absolutely not!! Was he?? No, he wasn't. It took me many years to finally realize I was insecure about myself & he wanted a "Mommy". I'm sure you can all guess how it turned out.

Fast forward....I now have someone in my life that I KNOW loves me & I love him!!! I can't tell you what a difference this has made for me!! I was able to finally lose the weight that caused me to feel so insecure about myself all those years once I got away from the cause ("Its not what you're eating..its whats eating you!" 100% true!!) For the first time in my life, I feel LOVED everyday of my life!!! As my dear friend puts it "you are a different person today...you aren't a B%^#H anymore!!!

My advice to you is, if you have even the slightest concern about this person...He is NOT "the one"!!! Don't try to convince yourself either of you will change. Love just comes natural...it can't be forced. Don't settle for less than you deserve!! You may not be as fortunate as I've been to be given a 2nd chance.

All the best to you!!!

Kim

modkittn
08-20-2007, 04:14 PM
He has also told me he does not "Love" anybody.

I was with you until that sentence right there. My hubby isn't really affectionate. I say "I love you" first, but he always replies with an "I love you too". If I hug him, he hugs back. I never get random hugs or kisses. But its other little things he does that really lets me know he DOES love me, and while he doesn't show it in the traditional way I guess I don't really need it that way. I'm happy with what I've got :)

Ottoette
08-20-2007, 04:27 PM
Get out now. If you really want to get married and have kids, then you need to find someone who feels the same way. Just my 2 cents. I wasted a lot of time in my life, but when I saw 40 staring me in the face I got serious and had my first kid at 41, my second at 44. I am SO GLAD I DID. This is your life, not a dress rehersal. Don't worry about starting over, just make a space in your life for what you're really looking for. As my mom always said - "You can't meet Mr. Right when you're dating(living with) Mr. Wrong".
Good luck!
Kim

Ottoette
08-20-2007, 04:28 PM
PS I mean wasted time relationship-wise, not all my time!

Azure
08-20-2007, 04:36 PM
My boyfriend, who I've been with for two years isn't always affectionate. I'm a pretty touchy-feely person, so at first this bugged me. But, it's just not how he is. He tells me he loves me, and I love him...and I believe that. Sometimes he gets in -very- affectionate moods where he's very huggy and cuddly, but most of the time he's comfortable with not being joined at the hip. In a lot of ways, he's helped me to stop being so clingy.

I think I was clingy in past relationships because I was heavier and I was terrified in some way that unless the person I was with was as fixated on me as I was on them, they would lose interest and leave me. After all, there were skinnier, prettier girls out there... But, being with Brian (and he's been with me through ALL my weight loss) has taught me that this isn't true. He's not clingy and I've learned that I don't have to be in order to keep him.

However, it sounds to me like the guy you're with is a little more than stand-offish and just not clingy...it sounds like there might be something else involved. If you're sure that you're where you need to be emotionally, and he's just not delivering in that way, then you might want to move on.

"Love" might be a word that's got all sorts of strings attached...but if you're in a relationship you're serious about, I think that the people involved shouldn't be afraid of saying it. Mind you, I don't think that being in love means perpetual butterflies in your stomach...I think that's more like infatuation or lust, I think being in love can be a comfortable, happy relationship. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this...if he's worth taking the time to stay with, he should be receptive to your feelings about the issue.

:hug: Hang in there, hon...and don't stay with him if you're unhappy. If you know deep down you should get out, then do it. I stayed in my last relationship for a year after I knew I wanted out and all I did was waste my time/emotions and his time/emotions.

modkittn
08-20-2007, 04:44 PM
Azure's post just got me thinking... because at least her boyfriend is somewhat affectionate! DH and I used to go to parties when we were dating, and people would have no clue we were dating! He'd talk to people alone and I would too. We'd maybe hang out for a little bit together, but mostly it was time to see other people we didn't usually see. And people would find out we were dating and say "really?!?!" :) (We actually met on our own and ended up having TONS of mutual friends, but thats what happens when you like punk rock and meet someone like that at a show... turns out you have a lot of the same friends into the same stuff :))

I just had a conversation with one of my friends about people who get into relationships and then don't talk to anyone (any of their friends) while they are in the relationship. He kindly pointed out that DH and I never did that, but we're the only couple he knows that didn't. I think it has to do with the fact that we aren't really affectionate. Well at least not in public. And I am at home, but not all the time.

When my brother met his wife, they were super-extra-sickening affectionate. They've been married for 2 years and it is like they are still in the "honeymoon" phase :lol:

My point is that everyone is different. But I still think there is something wrong with your boyfriend saying he doesn't love anyone, and you feeling like may not be meant for each other. I think you really have to search your heart on this one.

Also, don't go think that 3 years is such a long time to meet someone else and fall in love. My SIL and her husband started dating, got married, and had my nephew all within 2 years!

Blueyedblond
08-20-2007, 09:33 PM
Well, things certainly have taken a turn. My bf and I talked today and realized we need to have an honest to goodness sit down and see what we want to do with this relationship. He is at a baseball game with his brother now and tomorrow he has softball games -so it will most likely be on Wednesday - my stomach in in knots.

I do want to clarify a few things that might give some insight into how he and I work. He is a really great guy in all other areas - so the poster that said he sounds like a good guy aside from this issue is right - he is. He brings flowers (for no reason) He makes surprise plans, cooks wonderful dinners that keep me in my diet (i think this is a biggie - so many people lack support when they want to lose weight) I know he listens to me, he has on many occasions heard me say "I wanna do this, or that" and before I know it he has it planned. He shows he cares, and he will say I love you back sometimes.
Do we talk about marriage? Yes. He even said today that we are on 3 years here and are not moving forward - and because of this there is a problem.

After reading everyones posts - i started to think alot. Maybe there is nothing wrong with him, or me - we just are not a match. It makes me sad, cause I really do love him - for all the things he does, and how much he wants me to do well, succeed at everything I do and be happy.
Funny, after typing that - I feel really selfish. He does so much and yet im not happy. I can't help it though!!!!! I need just a tiny bit more.

Then I question my needs at the moment - at the moment because right now I am having a REALLY HARD TIME. I am unemloyed at the moment - I was laid off in April - I have not been able to get a job since -this is the first time I have been unemployed - I am feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. I have never question my value as I have as of late - with not being able to get a job and gaining 25 pound in the last 2 years - i really really dislike myself. I know that that has effected our realationship. After my conversation with my boyfriend today, Im wondering how much of this is playing into the fact that I feel less loved. Right now both of us are confused. Do i feel his lack of affection more now because of how i feel about myself, or am i just finally sick of it.

Im soo glad he is not home right now - i have been crying all day.

Thank you to everyone for listening.

kaplods
08-20-2007, 11:24 PM
I think you need to examine whether it is possible for any one to meet your expectations and desires. From this last post, it sounds like he is demonstrative (do you know how rare it is for men to give spontaneous no-reason gifts?), but that it isn't enough for you. If your expectations are unrealistic, there is never going to be a perfect match out there for you.

Passionate love really does ebb and flow. My husband was very insecure when we first became engaged, because he was so afraid that I would at some point lose "that loving feeling" so to speak (his parents divorced, and quite disagreeably at that). I told him I expected to fall in and out of love with him many times over the course of our marriage.

I don't think that butterfly in the stomache, hormonal rush, kissy huggy, can't get enough of each other kind of love is generally long-lasting in most relationships. Oh, you get glimpses of it once in a while, but if you basically can find someone you can live with, even on the days you barely can stand the sight of them, then that is a successful relationship. I don't mean that cynically, as my husband and I still, in many ways are still in the "honeymoon," stage as we're just coming up on our 5 year anniversary (we met 13 months before marrying). The "passion," has cooled slightly, but we still tend to annoy our longer-married friends with our pet-names and PDA (public displays of affection).

I do firmly believe that if you "need" someone else, you're not ready for a healthy relationship. No one can MAKE you happy. If you don't like yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. Besides, even if they do you'll either disbelieve or discount anything they do or say, or wonder what's wrong with them for doing so.

One thing I think that might help is considering whether your life would be better alone than without him. If you can say yes, then I think the relationship should be over. However, if you're thinking your life would be better with someone else, you have to think about whether that "someone else" you have in mind even exists.

Just a few thoughts.

Greens
08-21-2007, 01:13 AM
Whenever a man is fantasizing about having sex with another man, the cheerleader down the street or the paperboy he's going to feel guilty and transparent so he's going to look into the eyes of his wife and say, "I love you." with as much passion as he can muster. That's the kind of guy that says "I love you." a lot. :p

Casandra
08-21-2007, 04:08 AM
this thread has made me wonder quite a bit too. Basically, I'm in nearly the same boat as blueyeblond, I've been looking for work for over a year now, and the strain its put on my relationship with my Fiance has been disastrous at times, but we always seem to get through it. I used to get upset that my Fiance wasnt a kissy, cuddly kind of guy 24/7. When I wanted cuddles, dag nabbit, I wanted cuddles!

We've had talks about it. I feel more secure and I love it when he holds me, and lately, I've felt a rise in the amount of cuddle time I get.

You may need to just talk it out with him, he needs to get past his issues and confront them.

Spinymouse
08-21-2007, 09:38 AM
After reading more posts, it strikes me that love isn't what you say (too easy) but what you do. And not just the easy stuff (opening a door or holding a hand) but the hard stuff; the stuff someone does to help you when things are difficult.
Sounds like the guy does a lot of good things that would demonstrate love. I guess I mean love if you define it as wanting the best for another person and contributing to that. But he might still not be the right person for you. I am glad that you are going to have your Big Talk. I hope it goes well. I will be thinking of you.
jo

modkittn
08-21-2007, 09:51 AM
Sounds like the guy does a lot of good things that would demonstrate love. I guess I mean love if you define it as wanting the best for another person and contributing to that. But he might still not be the right person for you. I am glad that you are going to have your Big Talk. I hope it goes well. I will be thinking of you.
jo

Sounds the same way to me! We didn't hear about the flowers for no reason on the first post :) Maybe it is just that you aren't compatible? I hope you are able to sort things out without too much heartbreak. You obviously love him if you've been crying all day about your upcoming talk. :(

JerseyGyrl
08-21-2007, 11:16 AM
Maybe there is nothing wrong with him, or me - we just are not a match. It makes me sad, cause I really do love him - for all the things he does, and how much he wants me to do well, succeed at everything I do and be happy.
Funny, after typing that - I feel really selfish. He does so much and yet im not happy. I can't help it though!!!!! I need just a tiny bit more.


Blueyedblond,

I think you have pretty much summed it up yourself in that paragraph..."We just are not a match". From all you have said, I truly believe you love him...and...in his own way, I believe he loves you. There are however, 2 distinct forms of love...compassionate love & passionate love. Compassionate love is demonstrated as mutual respect, attachment, affection & trust. Usually it develops out of shared respect for each other & mutual understanding. Passionate love is characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction, anxiety & affection. More simply put, its the difference between liking someone very much & wanting the best for them and being "IN" love with someone & wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.

From what you've described, I believe you & your bf have "compassionate" love for each other...BUT...I do not believe either of you are IN love. I hope this is making sense to you:) A relationship & a marriage both need a strong foundation to prevail. That foundation is 2 people being IN love. Its very much like building a house...if a house is built on a strong foundation, it will stand for a long, long time...if its not. over time, it will crumble.

When you say you feel selfish & that you need a tiny bit more...you want to be IN love & you want someone to be IN love with you. That is NOT selfish!! Everyone deserves that.

I believe you 2 care for each other. You wouldn't be so torn about what to do if you didn't...but, I think you realize that caring isn't the same as the true security of love.

I wish you all the best!!

:hug:
Kim

LaBonita
08-21-2007, 12:53 PM
This may sound harsh, and I'm sorry if it is. But....

If you're not happy, it's not worth it. Period. Sit down and really think about it. Are you making excuses for him? Are you fooling yourself into thinking you're happy? The only way to know if you're a match is to honestly look at the relationship and decide whether or not you're happy. If you're not happy now, after 3 years, I don't think it will change with marriage. Be kind to yourself and find something you really want.

Blueyedblond
08-21-2007, 04:06 PM
LaBonita - Im not making excuses for him - that I promise.

I wish it were simly the fact that he is jerk, we dont get along, etc, That would make it a no brainer - LEAVE

Jersey - you said something that made sense to me. There being Compassionate love, and passionate love. ohhh my gossshhh - i realized that I am the only one "in love" in this relationship. There is my answer.
I dont think i really believe that he just does not feel that way for anyone and never will, does not get it - or whatever his ansewr to that is.
I have gone so far as to tell him that - Maybe its not that he does not believe in being "IN LOVE" , or he is incapable of that - it's just that that person has not come along for him. This makes one thing very clear -
I am not that person for him - he has yet to find her. Either that or he has and she is gone, and that has changed him.

I have reason to beleive he has had his heart broken. There was one girl, I know he had something with her - it is a long story. He had been single for just over 2 years when we met. And it's just that it was soooo long ago. I know that even the biggest heartbreaks heal over time.
I suspect she may have been it for him, no matter what - its just not me. Now i have to figure out how to move on. This unfortunalty is going to be my biggest heartbreak - I have even broken off an engagement (also 3 year relationship) and it did not do to me emotionally what this is. Thanks for all the help - I really do apreciate it

SandiSweets
08-21-2007, 09:31 PM
When you hug him he says "what?!" and says "I know" when you tell him you love him? That would be enough to get me moving on, even though moving on is hard as **** when YOU love HIM. But it sounds like he doesn't love you. Why waste any more time hoping he will change?

JerseyGyrl
08-22-2007, 07:39 AM
Jersey - you said something that made sense to me. There being Compassionate love, and passionate love. ohhh my gossshhh - i realized that I am the only one "in love" in this relationship. There is my answer.
This makes one thing very clear -
I am not that person for him - he has yet to find her.

Blueyedblond,

I'm very pleased that what I said made sense to you :D

Life is all about the choices we make along the way. Many times we make the wrong ones...Lord knows I surely have!!! But, in my old age, I've learned a wrong choice always teaches a valuable lesson. It helps us to set certain standards for our lives...what we are willing to "settle" for & what we aren't. You admitted you don't feel very good about yourself right now due to being unemployed & weight gain. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we don't project a confident, positive attitude to others. Its called insecurity. That same insecurity is what causes us to continue to make poor choices for us & to often settle for less than we want or we deserve. One day we "wake up" and we wonder how we ever got to this point.

Blueyedblond, you are a pretty young woman!! You obviously have a loving heart. You've realized this man is not the man for you. You are making choices & in my opinion, you are making the right choices:) These choices will give you the freedom to work on the issues you've been experiencing (umemployment & weight problems). While I am not going to tell you it will be easy, time is a wonderful healer. Once you heal your own life...you will emerge a stronger, confident lady that knows what she wants & what she doesn't. You will project a strong, secure attitude and THAT will be a very important factor in finding the man who is right for you!!

You have acknowledged the problem...that is the 1st step towards healing. You can do it!!!:D

Hugs:hug:
Kim

GatorgalstuckinGA
08-22-2007, 11:36 AM
wow...i think jersey girl has seom strong beautiful advice. And i want to second what she said...blueeyedblone...you are BEAUTIFUL...i know you are not use to having the 25 lbs...but what little weight extra you have ...you are still stunning. It will be tough...but i think you are making the right decision. You just need to believe in your self. You need to believe you are beatiful (even if you aren't supper skinny..you are still smaller than most of us wish to be) you need to look deep inside yourself and see what the great qualities are about you...focus on your mental emotional aspects not the physical. Get your life together...get feeling better about yourself and realize what a wonderful person you are...then later when you realize what greatness you are and what greatness you deserve...you will find some one right for you. Don't freat about having kids by a certain age....trust me i've only been married 1 yr...and about to turn 34. I won't have kids for 2-3 more years since dh will be in school (and can't afford kids until he's working). Things will work itself out. First start working on yourself and your selfesteem and then life will start falling togehter...like jersey said...it will be hard at first...but like the quote always says "that whcich does not kill us makes us stronger" and trust me...heartbreak hurts...but doesn't kill. Good luck and keep us posted

WinterStarzz
08-22-2007, 06:09 PM
Don't sell yourself short. If that is something you think you can live happily ever after with, then by all means...DO! But if you are the type of person (like so many of us women are, myself included) who *needs* that love and affection, don't just settle because you don't want to start over. I can't imagine not hearing "I love you" back. Some people can deal with it, others can't. Look inside yourself and figure out what you need in your relationship. Find what you desire, what makes it passionate, what makes it sparkle and sizzle. If you can have that right now, then enjoy every second of it and soak it up. If you can't, there IS that out there. And you shouldn't go without it due to your comfort with this guy. You deserve a love that is full of all the things you need.

sotypical
08-22-2007, 07:17 PM
I can relate in many ways - sometimes I really question why I am with my boyfriend - we have been together 3 years this saturday.

He does not tell me he loves me, I had said it to him and usually he doesnt say anything back or says something along the lines of 'i know'

But he does show affection, like holding my hand when we are out, giving me a hug/kiss etc, calling me on his breaks at work, and all that. So I believe while he doesn't say he loves me, he shows me in every other way.

It really bothers me though, not hearing the 'i love you' sometimes i am fine with it and some days it drives me crazy! But like you, we get along awesome, never fight, etc.

anyway, just wanted to add my 2 cents and let you know your not really alone - I know for a long time I thought i was the only one in a situation like this.

I don't really have any advice though, I wish I did!

47yo
08-22-2007, 07:37 PM
As a divorce lawyer who waited until she was 43 years old to get married, I've seen a lot of breakups. And been through them. Breakups are hard, but divorces are much harder. Especially when kids are involved! I know what it's like; you think it will get better, that he will change, etc., etc. But if you feel like something is "missing" after 3 years, then something is missing. I guarantee that in time you will wonder what you ever saw in him! I know that you feel like you're running out of time, but I was engaged at the age of 26 - and then again at the age of 30 - and then again at the age of 36 - and finally got married to yet a different guy at the age of 43. You can have babies in your 40's. Try not to feel so pressured into doing what you think society expects! I am SOOOO glad I waited - I am now married to a great guy who is really trustworthy and tells me he loves me every night before we go to sleep - and every morning before he goes to work. Not that he needs to; I feel it every waking moment. You will find what you are looking for!

techwife
08-22-2007, 08:07 PM
Whenever a man is fantasizing about having sex with another man, the cheerleader down the street or the paperboy he's going to feel guilty and transparent so he's going to look into the eyes of his wife and say, "I love you." with as much passion as he can muster. That's the kind of guy that says "I love you." a lot. :p

What he really means to say is, "If I had a sexy blonde American girlfriend like you, you'd need a restraining order because I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you!" And he'd be praising God (or whatever diety he bows to) every waking moment for your mere existence.


I hope that you find some peace with this situation. As pretty as you are, you could have 95% of the heterosexual male population drooling at your doorstep. With or without the weight you want to lose. You're nothing short of a bombshell and you deserve SO much more than what you're getting. Good luck!