I'm not sure if this is the right place for this topic, but I know I'm definitely in need of support with this issue
I moved in with my boyfriend this past June; we actually met online and have been together long-distance for a year and a half. I lived in NY and he in Oregon, so needles to say it was a big change, and a scary one too. He admitted to me when we first started dating that he liked to smoke occasionally. I told him that smoking was my one deal-breaker, no ifs, ands or buts, I could not date a smoker. He said smoking wasn't that big of a deal, and he wouldn't do it anymore.
Now after I've moved here, he admitted to me that he's been doing it behind my back for the past two months, and that he can't stop. We almost broke up over it, and it was quite the dilemma: I felt like if he loved me, he would quit for me no questions-- he felt like if I loved him, I would accept him for who he was and not ask him to change. (Mind you, I changed my address by about 3,000 miles for him... )My problem is that he couldn't admit even to himself he was a smoker, he'd always say 'no' if someone asked because he was ashamed of it. I know how hard it can be to quit an addiction, and I'm willing to give him all the support he needs. The problem is, he doesn't want to quit. He knows the health risks, he knows the damage it will do, and he knows how terribly depressed and miserable it makes me that he does it. We argued, debated, bickered, I cried and cried and cried, and finally, this is what he said:
"I'll make you a deal. If you lose 40lbs, prove that you're serious about your health, then I'll quit smoking. For good."
Now, my boyfriend doesn't say things lightly or lie: he admitted to smoking as soon as I asked, and admitted he couldn't just stop. He said his brothers hide it from their wives and he refuses to be like that. So he said he would do whatever it takes to quit for good, but I have to show that I'm as committed to my health as I am to his.
What do you guys think about this?
I agreed to it right away; I mean it's not like he's saying I'm fat/ugly and he's going to leave me if I don't. He thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am and let's me know that, but he feels if I can be that concerned about his health, he has a right to be concerned about mine. The problem too is he doesn't generally make bets he thinks he's going to lose, so it saddens me a little because he knows it will take me a long time to develop the will-power to lose that much weight...
I dunno, I suppose objectively it sounds a little shallow, but I'm more eager than ever to buckle down and lose this weight. I have to say I have never had better motivation. I want him to be healthy, and of course I want to be healthy too.
Just curious what your guys' opinions on this is. I don't really have anyone to talk to... my parents greatly dislike him, and my sister isn't really a fan either It's scary being out here without all too much support, and I guess more than ever that's why I'm really hoping to find some encouragement and assistance on this forum
First of all I am an ex-smoker so I do understand how hard it is to quit but he was the one not being honest with you (and you uprooted your life for him). Besides, smoking is a lot worse for you than being a little overweight. It also sounds like your weight is really just an excuse for him to keep smoking anyway.
If you lose weight that is great but it should be for you not him! And I have to be honest, even if you reach goal I don't see him quitting right away, if at all. Just like losing weight you have to want to quit smoking. For me it took several tries. I used the patch which I highly recommend but still it was a hard habit to kick.
It seems to me that since quitting smoking is an ongoing process that he should be trying to quit now. The two of you could try reaching your goal together and this commitment to each other may even strengthen your relationship.
Last edited by judyt; 08-20-2007 at 02:38 AM.
Reason: typo
I too moved to be with my boyfriend. We've been together in the UK now for 2 years, and I moved all the way from western Illinois. I agree with Judyt, If he is saying "if you get serious about your weight...etc" Why dont you go it together? Sure, you're giving up two different things, but with the same goal in mind, a healthier lifestyle. Both of you get serious!
You can be his support as he tries to quit, and he can support you with your weight loss. My fiance is one of those types who can eat anything and every thing in the house and not gain an ounce, and he's not the most supportive of my losing weight. He would be if we had the money to afford healthy food, but right now we're poor as dirt, so we're living an unhealthy lifestyle.
If you two can manage it, I'm sure you'd be a bit better off. You'd have something more in common, and you'd live a better, more fulfilling life to show for it!
just my 2 cents, i dont agree with him telling you to lose 40lbs then he will quit. i know that would have hurt me so bad.. to me, it WOULD have sounded like he does pay attention to the way you look and your flaws and that is hurtful. i dont mean to sound mean or anything.. its just my opinion if i would have been in that situation. either way, best of luck.
The problem is, he lied. He lied, and you moved 3,000 miles to find it out. And, he says he's not interested in quitting smoking, BUT, if you lose 40 pounds, he'll quit.
First of all, what else is he lying about? I'd be wondering that. What other things is he "ashamed" of and not admitting to in order to have you around?
Second of all, never make weight deals. It's outrageous that he would tell you're beautiful the way you are--which is really just words--and then come up with 40 pounds you should lose "for your health." If YOU want to lose weight, then lose it, but NOT for anyone else or for some silly deal.
Finally, suppose you don't lose the 40 pounds. You feel like a failure, and he gets to keep smoking. Since he wants to keep smoking, isn't it likely he will try to sabotage you? Don't think this isn't possible--because after all, he lied in the beginning.
I think if you want to really see what the relationship is about, you should tell him no, that the deal was he didn't smoke, and that was a lie. If he wants to continue to be in a relationship with you, he has to make good on his word and quit smoking, period, since that's the condition under which you entered the relationship. If he's not willing to do that, then you may have to walk away! I know that sounds awful, but what else are you going to do? Give up your standards just because you moved a long distance?
Maybe there's a reason why your family members don't like him...
Definetly dont let him say "I will try to quit after you lose 40 pounds" Insist that you both start on these right away, at the same time, together.
This is exactly what I was going to say! My dad is a chain smoker. The whole family wanted him to quit, and he said he didn't WANT to quit. His father passed in 2004 from lung cancer. He vowed to quit, but here we are 3 years later and he is still smoking. I know it is an addiction and hard but I also know that lots of people have done it.
Edit - I want to add... you love him for who you thought he was - a non-smoker. I think you should point this out to him. Would things have been different if you knew he was a smoker? Maybe you wouldn't have gotten into such a serious relationship with him? I always REFUSED to date smokers, no matter how much I liked the guy. It was something I was not willing to compromise.
Maybe there's a reason why your family members don't like him...
Jay
I agree with everything in Jay's post. But this sentence struck me as well as your statement that nobody in your immediate family likes him. That would strike me as a red flag as I take my family's opinion seriously. Honestly, this "deal" between the two of you sounds like two children fighting "I'll clean the dishes if you make the beds, ok??" He should be quitting because he's ashamed of lying to you. I would've given him an ultimatum, 3-4 months to quit or I'm out.
First off thank you all so much for your responses and advice. You know, love really does blind you-- I never even considered requesting us get through this together. I'm a little afraid to now because it took us soo long to reach a compromise on this. Regardless, I'll give it a go and let you know what he says.
judyt-- congrats on quitting! I think my weight loss is definitely an excuse for him to continue for a while, but I also think this is what he has to do. He said, "I tried quitting for you, and it didn't work, because it wasn't what I wanted to do. I don't want to smoke forever, but it has to be on my own terms that I quit." So yeah it's kind of selfish, but that's how he is. I'd do anything to see him stop, and really what's so bad about being 40lbs lighter and sexier?
Casandra--Hehe, us crazy girls moving for love... I'm sorry he's not very supportive of your weight loss, that's really tough being the only one in a house trying to eating health-conscious with so many temptations surrounding you I know how it is with it being financially difficult to buy the right things, too. I'm wishing you all the luck and hopefully we'll get through these difficulties together!
Blueyedblond--I've never had anyone in my family who dealt with a smoking problem... I just don't want him to be the first one
pinupdreams--It didn't hurt that much because neither of us look perfect, and we *both* have weight to lose. I think that's why it's hard to suggest doing this together, because we both tried losing weight together, goofed around too much with my just-moved-in status and ate so very badly. Now he wants to lose weight in his own time and quit smoking in his own way He can be a frustrating man but don't get me wrong there's plenty good
JayEll-- Technically he did lie, he was very dishonest about it, but at the same time he *didn't* lie. We were having a conversation about something unrelated, and I randomly brought up, "Have you been smoking at all?" And he admitted it right away. He refuses to lie, about anything (you can imagine how frustrating that is when the question 'How does this outfit make me look?' comes up ) I've never worried about him lying to me, so I believe him when he says he'll quit-- he could have lied and said "I'll quit, I promise" and kept smoking behind my back, but he finally admitted not only to me, but to himself, that he really has a problem with this and wants a "fair trade" so that he feels justified and isn't quitting for the wrong reasons. I rolled the idea of walking away in my head many, many times during this bitter argument, and it's so much more painful than the thought of him smoking. Love makes you crazy, but first love makes you insane
Sunnigummi-- I tried an ultimatum right away, me or smoking, and he said he loved me very much but he couldn't just quit and it had nothing to do with how much he loved me. He's a very stubborn man and I'm trying to appreciate at least that he's being very honest now that it's out in the open. I did tell him I don't take this relationship as seriously while he's in the process of killing himself I refuse to do marriage or start a family or any of that 'til I can really trust him and his full sobriety from smoking.
Again, thank you all for your support and help! It means the world to me And don't get me wrong-- the 40lbs is first and foremost for me. I've wanted to lose weight for so long, and maybe I'm exactly like him-- I needed a different kind of incentive to really buckle down.
Last edited by azraelya; 08-20-2007 at 09:20 AM.
Reason: additional response
Wowzers! I feel for you. My dh smokes and he had wanted to quit by the time we got married but hasn't. It is not a deal breaker though. It was an "I'd like to." I am very worried about his health etc so I try to balance it out by feeding him as healthy as I can, fruits / veggies, etc. He is normal weight.
He has always been very supportive about my weight. He never once made me feel fat or said I needed to lose the weight. When I originally discussed it with him if he minded it he said that he thought I was beautiful and a great person at any weight but if it was a concern of mine, for health sake, he would do everything to help me get the weight off. And he has.
I think it is terrible that he lied to you though. And making a deal with you, well if you lose 40 pounds, I will quit. Sounds like a bunch of crap! My sweetie feels a bit bad that he is still smoking but admits, that he really does not want to quit. He wants to for me, but he really enjoys smoking. I know someday he will. Just not today.
Azraelya, this is not a nice situation. I won't echo what the others have mentioned about the weight-blackmail, but I am concerned that the only person in this relationship who appears to be making sacrifices and compromises is YOU. YOU are the one who moved, YOU are the one who has to lose weight first, YOU are the one who has to 'accept him as he is' while he manipulates you, YOU are the one who is expected to give up things important to her. I don't like that dynamic at all. Relationships are about compromises on both sides and it doesn't bode well for the future if one person sits around saying, 'this is how I am and this is what I want' while the other person agrees to put up with it unconditionally without making any demands in return. It's an unhealthy dynamic.
I suggest that you push him to make more compromises. I'm a smoker myself and I definitely see that you can't force someone to quit smoking unless they want to do so. (Btw, how heavy a smoker is he? Does he smoke a pack a day? 1/2 a pack? Does he only smoke when he's out with friends?) But you can push him to start by establishing some limits. For instance, does he smoke in the house? That would be a place to start if he does. No more cigarettes in the house. He has to go outside and smoke on the porch. (This is a good way to force someone to cut down).
But more than the smoking issue (because you can't quit for him), I'd be concerned about the overall dynamic of the relationship. Don't start out your life together with him making demands while you roll over and give in to what he wants. This starting phase of living together is important for establishing all the patterns of your relationship and I think its essential that YOU begin to take some control so that he doesn't come to treat you like a doormat.
The lying and the "ultimatum" aren't necessarily red flags in my opinion. It really would have to depend on the context of both. Losing weight and quitting smoking have more in common than not. Even in terms of the amount of denial we have about them "I can quit anytime," and "I could lose the weight easily if I really commited myself".... It is very easy to underestimate how difficult it will be to change. When we learn how difficult it is, it's very easy to feel threatened when challenged with it, "Ok, if you think it's so easy - you try doing something this difficult."
My husband also smoked when we started dating. I am very allergic to cigarette smoke, so it was virtually a deal breaker, and still it took several years for him to quit. He also told me it would be "easy" for him to quit because he didn't "smoke all that much anyway." He wasn't lying, he was just in a whole mess of denial. From day one he didn't smoke around me, and when we moved intogether, never in the home. However, he did smoke in secret for a while, mostly when he was with friends. He'd come home and say that there had been a lot of smoke in the bar, or at his friends home. He'd take a shower, change his clothes, and brush his teeth - and I could still tell he'd smoked. He was so ashamed of not being able to quit, even though it could affect my health, he had to be confronted to admit it. He said he knew I'd leave him if he couldn't quit (I'd never said that, but I can see why he thought it). We had to look at it like losing weight. Smoking two cigarettes a week, down from half a pack a day was progress. We acknowledged the progress, and the progress still to be made and we dealt with it. We also agreed that he would never smoke in the house, or in the car, and that if he came home smelling of smoke (his or anyone else's) his clothes went in the wash, he went into the shower, brushed his teeth, and used mouthwash.
I'm not saying you have to deal with it, it definitely can be a deal breaker, and you can leave it (and him) at that. However, if you want to deal with it, you have to deal with it realistically. I also would advise against the wager or ultimatum. Firstly, even if you lose the weight, he still may not be able to quit just because you met your end of the bargain. Instead I think you both need to set goals and work on them, with or without help from the other.
I do disagree that it is always wrong or pointless to be at least partially motivated by others. Some people find it easier to do things for others than themselves. My husband was able to quit "for" me, eventually. He admits he probably would still be smoking if it weren't for his wanting to protect me, and please me. Some people are able to lose weight so that the'll be there for their children. It's both a selfish and selfless motivation.
And as for his lying, I don't believe that my husband's lie means I can't trust him. I know him and what situations he is likely to be less than truthful on (how many chips did you eat?) You get to know a person, and what situation they are and are not willing or able to be honest about, and why. I have an aunt who always tells her husband that she "bought it on sale."
I talked to him about it, and he took away the deal. He said it was true that it was definitely stalling, so that he didn't have to deal with the problem for however long it took me to lose the weight. And he admitted no, he wasn't sure he'd be able to quit even after I'd lost the weight because he didn't want to. He doesn't want to quit, therefore he won't.... He's not going to quit...
Which leaves me in an even worse dilemma. I'm trying so hard to accept him but... I don't know how to handle this. I made a huge decision in coming here and said I'd do anything and everything to work through any obstacles we'd have, but... I never anticipated this, because he never gave me reason to. I don't know how to handle this. I want to accept him and deal with it, but he won't give me any compromise. It's either I accept him and deal with it, he'll only do it at work but he works 6 nights a week so that's still every day... or, I decide I can't handle it and we break up and I lose him for good.
I'm going to keep losing weight, hopefully get as focused as possible on that...Maybe if i put all my energy into my weight loss I can take my mind off of this relationship, somewhat.. I don't know..
I think the "lie" and manipulation aspect of this has gotten blown out of proportion. He may have thought he could give it up easily enough and then been met with a big surprise when he couldn't. At that point, afraid of how big a deal you made about the non-smoking, he was afraid that you would leave if he came out and told you. Doesn't really sound malevolent; it sounds human. We don't want to lose the people we love.
My husband smokes and would like to quit. Because he's having a hard time with it, we agreed that he wouldn't smoke in the house or the car. He sticks by that and I try to encourage without nagging.
I've never quite understood why smoking is such a deal breaker for some people. So long as you can make some simple rules about when and where so you're not subjected to the second hand smoke, I don't see the big deal. It's not like he's a child molestor or kills small animals for fun. It's not a nice habit, but neither is being obese. I think if we expect support then we'd better be prepared to extend it as well. I'd rather have my brilliant, funny, caring and smoking husband than anybody else I've ever met.
I don't know why your family doesn't like him but my family pitched a fit when I moved away to move in with my then fiance. Seven years later they like him better than they like me and wonder what he sees in me. If this guy was worth moving across country for then it's worth fighting to make it work.
I think we nearly always find that our Mr. or Ms. Right comes with a lot more baggage than we anticipated. If it's baggage we can't handle for whatever reason, then the person isn't so Right after all.
I agree that you have to decide WHY it is a deal breaker for you, and if in fact it still is. If you truly believe you cannot live with a smoker, under any circumstances, then you don't have a lot of choice.
For me, it was only a "deal-breaker," because the smell of smoke makes me so physically ill (itchy and runny eyes and coughing up a lung, ill), and I didn't want to face losing someone to lung cancer.
But, when it came down to it, I wasn't going to pass on Mr. Perfect (well at least perfect for me) because of fear for the future, or a minor inconvenience (like coughing up a lung). Literally when we were first dating, even though he didn't smoke in my presence, when I visited his apartment, my eyes would be itching and burning - and would be swollen and red by the end of the evening.
I didn't demand that he quit because I knew how hard it would be, but I did ask that he keep it away from me as much as possible, and at least try to cut back some. He has been able to quit (with occasional short relapses) for about two years now, but we both know that there is some risk of him smoking again. He still has a cigar about once or twice a year (which is usually WORSE for me than cigarette smoke, so he has to take extra precautions).
It does concern me that even a yearly cigar is still a heath risk, but at nearly 200 lbs overweight, I can't really argue about unhealthy habits.
A bit of a dilemma...
It's scary being out here without all too much support, and I guess more than ever that's why I'm really hoping to find some encouragement and assistance on this forum 
He can be a frustrating man but don't get me wrong there's plenty good 
) I've never worried about him lying to me, so I believe him when he says he'll quit-- he could have lied and said "I'll quit, I promise" and kept smoking behind my back, but he finally admitted not only to me, but to himself, that he really has a problem with this and wants a "fair trade" so that he feels justified and isn't quitting for the wrong reasons. I rolled the idea of walking away in my head many, many times during this bitter argument, and it's so much more painful than the thought of him smoking. Love makes you crazy, but first love makes you insane 
And don't get me wrong-- the 40lbs is first and foremost for me. I've wanted to lose weight for so long, and maybe I'm exactly like him-- I needed a different kind of incentive to really buckle down.
