General chatter - Were you ever thin/normal, but thought you were "fat"?
08-12-2007, 10:45 AM
I have been struggling with this off and on since I was 10.
Not to give too many details or to bring things up that may be uncomfortable for others (because I've had therapy for this and I'm really ok about it now) - I was molested by a stranger in a neighbourhood park when I was 10 and that's pretty much when my bad body image started. I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly, dirty, fat, horrible girl reflecting back at me.
By the time graduated from HS I thought I was an absolute cow. All of my friends were thinner than me and were constantly dieting. Little did I know most of them had some form of an eating disorder.
I'm so, so tired of seeing a fat person staring back at me. What's really strange is that IN MY OWN HEAD I look like who I was a few years ago when I lost weight, exercised regularly and kept that weight off for a couple of years. When I started re-gaining was during a really bad period for me. I was looking back at photos in 2004 when I was about 8 KG over my goal weight; I went to a party at a club in town and one of the girls I knew who hadn't seen me for a while said to me "Wow. You've really gained some weight huh?" This shattered me. Oh, to be only 8 KG over my goal weight now!! I've gained ALL of my weight back!!
I want to be the girl in my head. Not the girl in the mirror. I want to feel like what my DF says I am; beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, pretty. I want that again and I don't ever want to go back to thinking I'm fat or ugly or horrible. You would think that after all this time I would know by now that I'm not all of these negative things.
So does anyone else have these issues?
08-12-2007, 11:37 AM
Yes, almost exactly, but he wasn't a stranger.
In high school, I weighed about 140 pounds at 5'8" - I felt okay, but a 'friend' (who was MUCH larger than I was, oh the irony!) told me almost constantly how I needed to lose weight - I recall her saying I had "an a$$ that won't quit" or some such thing. I then dated a chubby guy who constantly told me to lose weight. I did - about twenty pounds, which helped get me into drama school. I dumped him, and got on with getting fatter and fatter.
I still have HUGE issues of self-worth. But I'm working on it. :yes: For a long time, at nearly 300 pounds, I thought I was MUCH slimmer than I was. Now, at just under 220, I am still the fat girl, and I suspect I will be for a very long time, regardless of what the scale says.
Thanks for the thread. We are not alone (oh - that sounds like there are aliens - :lol3: - !)
08-12-2007, 11:51 AM
I was always struggling to keep weight ON as a kid - and then I went through puberty.
I was toward the top of my weight range until I was a junior in high school, but I was in my normal range. A lot of my weight was situated in my tummy area so I thought I was SO HUGE!
I was 5'4'', about 130. I wish I had that body back :)
08-12-2007, 01:13 PM
The first time I started believe I was fat was when I was in 6th grade. Our school was playing a special basketball game for girls that were under 100 lbs. I weighed 110, so I didn't get to play. I was 5'7 and the same height as I am now, so I definitely wasn't fat at all, I was just tall. My sister got to play on that team and I didn't, so that made it even worse.
I was on the regular basketball team and a fairly good player. My coach wanted me to play that game and tried to get me to lose 10 lbs. but I couldn't lose it. I don't think I had a spare 10 lbs. on my body to lose at the time. There were a couple other girls that were in my situation that did starve and lose some lbs. to get to play. I was never any good at starving myself and never will do that.
08-12-2007, 02:13 PM
I was "thin/normal" but I never thought I was fat. In my case, it was the other problem: I didn't think I was "that fat" until I "woke up" and realized I was obese. :(
08-12-2007, 02:30 PM
When I was 5'5" and 115 lb in highschool, I thought I was so fat. I was a competitive athlete with a six-pack, so there's no way I was! :lol:
The funny thing is...now, my lean body mass is 110 lb. I'm not sure what it was then, but there's no way I could ever hope to be 115 lb now without losing a whole bunch of muscle or having 4% body fat. :P
08-12-2007, 02:37 PM
In high school, I was 5'8", 160lbs. I was athletic, too, so I was strong and muscular. I thought I was a cow.
Now, that is my goal weight. Funny how things change, eh?
08-12-2007, 02:37 PM
The first time I started believe I was fat was when I was in 6th grade. Our school was playing a special basketball game for girls that were under 100 lbs.
What kind of sick twisted school would do that!
I mostly look the same to myself no matter what my weight. At 186 I thought I looked "a little heavy" but not really different than at 140
08-12-2007, 02:50 PM
I've been there! When I was 14 (and my best friend was 12), she had some serious eating issues. She barely ever ate, and she would say EVERYONE was fat. One day, she told me anyone over a size 3 was fat. I was a size 4. I CRIED insanely hard that night. That's about when my binge eating started, and I actually DID get fat.
Funny thing is, now she still has eating issues, but she sees people the opposite. Whereas she only weighs about 95 pounds, she swears I'm much thinner than her (I'm 2 inches taller and roughly 130).
08-12-2007, 03:03 PM
When I was a teenager I was about 150 or a size 14... sometimes 16. I thought I was huge at the time, because I was on the higher end of normal. I wish I could have appricated it then that I wasn't huge I was healthy. Now 150 is my GOAL weight. Heh.
My body image in my head is thinner then I am now because I've been overweight since being a teenager but most of the time I'm closer to 250 rather then what my highest was. I've been as low as 220 as an adult, but I still felt very large. I'm not sure how long it's going to take my mind to adjust to seeing a thinner me once I start dropping into weights I haven't seen since high school.
08-12-2007, 03:15 PM
I would bulk up as a kid and then grow taller - I think most kids do that. I started with eating disorders when I was about 12...I remember thinking if the scale went over to 100 lbs my life would be OVER!
I started chunking out around age 15, and for me that meant a size 8 or 9... and then somehow the next thing I knew I was shopping at Lane Bryant! I have no clue of the time between... it was like I woke up and was fat one day. Sad thing is, I always thought I was fat from grade school on. And even now I can't tell the difference between a 190 lb me and a 250 lb me - they look the same.
08-12-2007, 06:39 PM
And even now I can't tell the difference between a 190 lb me and a 250 lb me - they look the same.
I feel the same, but I actually see the thinner person in the mirror. It's not till I see a picture of myself that I really see my size. I think it's strange when I have to squeeze through a tight place. I think it's one reason I have trouble losing weight. I can't see myself as fat. Yes, it could be worse, but I need to lose this weight or it will kill me like it is killing my mother.
08-12-2007, 10:12 PM
When I was 11 I was 120 lbs. That is 6th grade if anyone remembers...LOL. I used to have this girl and her buddy run behind me in gym class and she would call me fat a**. It was horrible. I cried every day after school. Little did I realize that I was freaking skinny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously! I was taller than everyone else and already packed with size C bras. By 8th grade (age 13) I was the heaviest girl in the middle school. I was 135 (5'5"). I was fatter (or so I was told because of the weight) than the fat girl in our class. I weighed more so I thought I was fat but in reality I was built even at the tender age of 13 like a fully grown woman. I had curves and muscles and the height of a woman 8 years older.
I just wish I had known how beautiful I was. Because those were some of the worst times in my life. I do not know if it was jealousy or what but I had many people calling me fat...all girls. The only comment I can remember from a guy was "d*** you are sexy." but I thought he was making fun of me.
What I wouldn't give to go back to the 140-150 lbs!!!!!!!!! I look at what few pictures I have of then and I can't believe all the wasted time and enjoyment that I missed out on for feeling fat!
08-12-2007, 10:22 PM
Our school was playing a special basketball game for girls that were under 100 lbs. I weighed 110, so I didn't get to play.... My coach wanted me to play that game and tried to get me to lose 10 lbs.
This is unbelievable! :?: What on earth was the weight restriction for? I certianly hope this sort of thing doesn't still go on - but I'm sure it does.
:hug: to you, lilybelle.
I did not really have a weight issue until I was in my 40's. Then things started to happen! ;)
08-12-2007, 10:43 PM
For me, it was the other way around. I didn't realize I was "fat" until it was way out of control...
08-12-2007, 10:57 PM
I have always battled with my weight.
I actually see the thinner person in the mirror. It's not till I see a picture of myself that I really see my size. I think it's strange when I have to squeeze through a tight place. I think it's one reason I have trouble losing weight. I can't see myself as fat.
I thought I was the only one that is like that!
08-13-2007, 12:13 AM
Yep when I hit 130 pounds I freaked for a little while. But I was a very small 130 pounds and pure muscle. I had abs, guns and the only fat I had was on my "chest" and rear end and a little on my inner thighs. Often people did not believe me when I told them I was 130 pounds.
08-13-2007, 11:34 AM
Yes, the basketball thing really did happen. It wasn't the regular basketball team, I was on it. It was a special tournament that I was too heavy to play in. It was in the early 1970's. I don't know if they still do it or not. It didn't even occur to me at the time , how outrageous this was. But, it sure set me up with the idea in my mind that I was too FAT.
I'm sure the school reasoning behind it was they wanted to have a tournament for the smaller girls that didn't hardly ever get to play.
My senior yr. of high school, I was 5'7 and 135 lbs. I got to play all the time, cause I was the "big girl".
08-13-2007, 04:08 PM
I was thin/normal, whatever normal is...up until I got pregnant. I never felt fat but others made me think I was, sort of. Being 130-135 I was bigger than my friends and they would always remark on how big I was...WHAT? So it made me self-conscious a little.
08-15-2007, 02:00 AM
I have always had body issues - always. I am about 25 pounds heavier than I would like to be - and when I was thinner(the pic in my signature) - I still thought I was fat. Im sure I will still have issues even when I do get down to a normal weight. I can't seem to see myself as thin even when I was.
08-15-2007, 02:18 AM
Yes, the basketball thing really did happen. It wasn't the regular basketball team, I was on it. It was a special tournament that I was too heavy to play in. It was in the early 1970's. I don't know if they still do it or not.
They did something like that for the rowing team at my university, at least back in 1999-2000. I wanted to join, but the minimum height was 5'6" and the absolute maximum weight was 125 lb. So, I was too short and too "fat". :lol: Those requirements seem pretty steep to me now, though. (A max BMI of 20.2! Eep!)
I'm just glad it happened when I was at an age where I had the self esteem to realize that the requirements were not going to match my body type. I can't imagine something like that happening to an impressionable teen (not all teens are impressionable, but I sure was!)
08-15-2007, 03:28 PM
maalise, I'm glad your experience with it was after you were older and had more self-esteem. I was 12 yrs. old and it left a lasting impression of being "too fat" even when I wasn't yet fat.