OMG..I don't even deserve to be a part of this forum somedays. I have been on a two day eating spree. I don't know why. I can't even blame being drunk. I consciously decided for two days in a row to a) eat Taco Bell after Midnight the night before last and b) goto a restaurant and order a bacon sandwich, a fried chicken breast and french fries all in ONE MEAL. Not to mention the complimentary biscuit which I ate in 2 seconds flat. EDIT: How could I forget the brownies and ice cream I had later on for dessert at a friends house GRRRRRRR.
I don't understand why I am doing this. I want to get skinny (and healthy) soooo bad, but it seems I am having these days more and more often. I know you guys are probably getting tired of my "oh poor pitiful me binge" threads LOL. I almost feel like as I am losin weight and feeling more confident in myself, I think I am allowed to eat like an Ethiopian at a buffett.
Someone kick me before I get to the point of no return...The fried food was soo delicious....Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I so relate to what you're saying, Mary. I have days when I either feel overconfident and get bitten by that and days when I'm just not feeling like doing it and make poor decisions. And just when I seem to be winning the battle and those days begin getting farther and farther apart, the overconfidence kicks in again and I make bad decisions.
You know, though, the price to pay to be thin is pretty high for those of us on this forum. I do believe that some people can make poor eating and exercise choices and not have to face the same problems that us at the 100-pound club face. I read parts of Valerie Bertinelli's Jenny Craig blog - her of the "I have to lose 30 pounds" club. It amazed me how similar she sounded to those of us who have a lot more to lose. She talked about poor eating habits, lack of exercise, binges, etc., yet she was not "fat" in the way that so many of us here are or have been "fat." I have come to the conclusion that even most normal weight people do not have good eating or exercise habits. In fact, I think the statistic is that only 35% of Americans exercise regularly - and regular exercise is defined as only 1/2 hour a day three days per week. There's gotta be a reason why McDonald's is the largest food corporation in the world. Frankly, it is not "normal" for even normal weight people to eat the way that we do when we're on plan.
So, we have to make that decision between thin and a "normal" way of life, and then make it again and again as we go on our journey. I don't think your weight problems affect you in the same way that weight problems affect some of the rest of us. You were gorgeous at 220, you didn't seem to have the mobility or health problems common to people in the 100-pound club, and your boyfriend even loved your back fat, for goodness sake. I'm not saying that it was easy for you to be 220 - I'm just saying that you may have to dig a little deeper to identify your motivation to make the daily sacrifices.
So, I would guess that it's decision time. I'm actually there too - in a crisis of wondering if it's all worth it, which I'm probably going to write about later. So - Why are you doing this? Why are you trading in a "normal" life of being able to eat Taco Bell after midnight for this struggle? The answer is different for all of us, and I know you must have strong reasons to have been able to come as far as you have. I think re-visiting those reasons may help you to again resist the lure of the Bell.
I am doing this because I want to be the best me I can be. I want to live longer. I don't want people to look at me funny because I am overweight. I want, for once, to be thought of as the pretty chick, not the fat funny chick. Even in high school when I weighed 135 and was a cheerleader, I was STILL the biggest girl on the squad...the funny girl who could do gymnastics.
I KNOW I am fortunate to have avoided many of the health and mobility problems of many of the 100 pound clubbers...but I am sure if I continued on the way I was living...I would have kept gaining weight and eventually be stricken with those problems. I have youth on my side, and I am praying I am doing something about this in time.
And my goal weight of 147..I fear when I get there I will still want to lose more. I am short. I WILL STILL LOOK CHUBBY. No way around it. I could easily stand to be 115 or 120. BUT I wanted to get to a healthy weight and then asses whether or not I am happy with myself then.
OK...I am feeling better now LOL. Thanks for the kick in the lady parts Laurie!
Last edited by sockmonkey70; 08-11-2007 at 07:06 PM.
I also think that what you are struggling with is what all of us struggle with: it's the power of short term gratification over long term goals. In the moment you are ordering your junky food, you are more motivated by your short term desires than the dreamy, long term goal of being thin. You are chosing to live in the moment rather than hold out for the dream. It's in those moments that is so very easy to rationalize the binge... it's just this once, I can get back on track with my next meal, it's a special occasion, we don't eat at this restaurant everyday... The problem is that we have all told ourselves those things so many times that not only are we lying to ourselves, we've gotten fat in the process.
So here's your swat on the rear: You have to be firm with yourself, Mary. Make the decision about how you chose to eat in your life and don't let anything deter you. Not even your inner voice that lies to you and tells you it's okay this once. Tell yourself to snap out of this pattern. It's not healthy. It's not going to get you where you want to be. Don't let yourself get comfortable with your progress thus far. If you keep relaxing your personal rules like this, you are going to go right back to where you started, and likely more.
The whole "it's a lifestyle change" line gets old, but it's true. Do Taco Bell runs, fried foods, biscuits, brownies, and ice cream fit into the lifestyle you want? They definitely fit in my old lifestyle - the one that got me to 316 pounds. Stop it while you're young, Mary. I wish I had. Now here's your hug:
Do Taco Bell runs, fried foods, biscuits, brownies, and ice cream fit into the lifestyle you want? They definitely fit in my old lifestyle - the one that got me to 316 pounds. Stop it while you're young, Mary. I wish I had. Now here's your hug:
In a perfect world...YES lol. I would love to eat brownies and ice cream and fried food and look like a model. And I see several of my friends that can get AWAY with that sort of eating. One of my best girlfriends eats like there is no tomorrow..always cleans her plate..is always the one to suggest Burger King if we are out...She is losing weight..she is now a size 5 from a size 7.. (at 5'8"). I hear her COMPLAINING about her clothes getting too small for her...I get so resentful sometimes!
Then I look at my mom...well over 220 by now I am sure...Has been yo yo dieting since she was in college. I remember 7 years ago she was 135 and looked fabulous...One divorce and bought of depression later she has gained over 100 pounds back! I love my mother, but I DON'T WANT TO TURN INTO HER..
I feel your pain. It is very difficult to regain control after a binge. And, it is so hard to see other people eat junk and not gain. It looks like you are doing so well with your plan. As hard as it is to get back on track, just think of the end result! I am struggling myself right now, but on day 5 of being back on track. I'm shorter than you but can wear a size 12 weighing in the 150s (note my ticker is wrong, I am 157 now) so you won't necessarily have to get down to the 120s to look as thin as you think (esp if you exercise a lot along the way). Of course, I want to be a 2 and weigh 99 so I am one to talk. I guess I just wanted to say that I can relate to your sadness and frustration. Hang in there!
I understand where you are coming from, I get these urges to eat, and eat and eat. Sometimes I think I have multipal personalities, because I hear that voice in my head telling me no I can't eat this. It is really frustrating, but I can say anytime that I slip up, or feel like it, I think what am I doing? am I happy with this.
I have posted a few pics of really obese women ( 400+ ) in bikinis around the kitchen so everytime I grab for something I see these pics, it is a great wake up call that does work for me most of the time. I also wrote a bunch of motivational quotes down, that I am planning on hanging up on my bedroom door.
Here are some of them:
I am the change I need to be
Failure is only a fact when you give up. Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?
Have you hit a brick wall? Aim higher and jump over it!
There is no such thing as luck. Success comes from actually doing it.
I hope you find the thing that works for you. I know it is hard, but I do think it is possible.
cheryl
Mary - you had a couple of bad days. Don't beat yourself up over it - jut renew your commitment and get back on the wagon. I blew it today BIG TIME too. I was at lunch with my son and I ordered a big salad - fine - and then a side of fried scallops. WTF was I thinking ???? Worst part was I wanted a small side and it was HUGE. I threw some away but I ate quite a lot first. I tried to purge but I have NEVER been able to do that and I know it is REALLY BAD so I'm kind of glad. I came home - got on my bicycle and rode for 1/2 hour and just finished an hour on the treadmill. I still feel like crap (even got sick because I don't eat fried food anymore) but I feel back on track because I did my workouts.
In a perfect world...YES lol. I would love to eat brownies and ice cream and fried food and look like a model. And I see several of my friends that can get AWAY with that sort of eating. One of my best girlfriends eats like there is no tomorrow..always cleans her plate..is always the one to suggest Burger King if we are out...She is losing weight..she is now a size 5 from a size 7.. (at 5'8"). I hear her COMPLAINING about her clothes getting too small for her...I get so resentful sometimes!
Then I look at my mom...well over 220 by now I am sure...Has been yo yo dieting since she was in college. I remember 7 years ago she was 135 and looked fabulous...One divorce and bought of depression later she has gained over 100 pounds back! I love my mother, but I DON'T WANT TO TURN INTO HER..
OTHER PEOPLE can get away with that. You can't. No, it's not fair but that's the way it is. You can have the carefree eating, or you can have the body/life. Thank goodness you get to choose!
Mary, I totally understand.
Day by day, since Wednesday I began slipping.
First Sushi, then skipped workout and a salad at On the Border, then Friday - no workout, and a full meal in the evening with friends: granted food was homemade, but I ate too much of it, and majority of it are not exactly healthy items - like roasted in oil potatoes, or cream puffs.
Today rolled around and as much as I promissed to go to the gym, I did not.
I am recommitting, and MUST go tomorrow, even if it kills me.
For myself I know why I made such choices yesterday : I was lazy to spend 5-10min before we sat down for dinner and map out what I am going to eat - I just piled down, and when I saw that everyone was still eating, I pilled some mor (hate sitting with an empty plate). All of it was wrong and today I was sick of food and sick of my behaiviour.
I think the fact that you are grabbing yourself by the hand and bringing back here is great. Remember the mistakes, triggers and such, and go forward. Or even better go forward, and then analyze because analysis is not a pleasant process and might slow down the getting on the plan.
Good luck to you and eveyrone else.
Wish me luck as well.
Mary,
Let me start by saying that you are young beautiful and very smart. I wish I had been so smart at your age then maybe I wouldn't have spent the last 20 years trying to figure this healthy eating thing out. So you slipped up. Don't beat yourself up. Just start fresh today and move on. Don't look back only forward. Try to remember not to give up what you want so bad for what you want right now. I'm really talking to myself in this post because I had way too much BBQ on Friday and ate way too much pizza last night. I knew what I was doing but didn't seem to care at the time (I'm a little stressed because my first baby leaves for college next week). Today is a new day and I will be in control!
As far as those friends who can eat whatever they want just be happy for them I'm sure they have other issues. I always think that everyone has their own cross to bear. It's great that you posted and now its behind you and time to move forward. You are so worth it! How about with both get with the program today. I'm in - how about you?
Is it weird if I think it's OK - no, MORE than ok -- to have a day or two like that??? I think it's NORMAL and I don't know about you guys, but that's all i want to be ~ "normal" A normal size, have a normal relationship with food, which happens to include going crazy once in a while and not killing yourself over it.
I get really nervous when people write about the millions of spreadsheets (yes writing down is good i know, but c'mon, 8 different types of them??) the gimmicks, the "i'll NEVER do this or that" or the "I'm going to be a victoria secret model when i'm done this" it just seems so unrealistic and doomed to failure.
Every person I know of a normal weight has a day where they eat really bad but then they get over it and go back to normal. That's what I see as a goal, for me at least. They don't eat garbage for 2 days or 2 weeks and think "oh well i can't do anything but eat like this, might as well be fat" they know those few days were the anomally and self-correct.
wow i'm typing way too much....whooooooo another 5 calories burned
so what i'm saying - yah you ate bacon and brownies, but that was yesterday..... let it go
I think you're so right, Trazey, about learning to accept a day or two of poor eating as something that will happen if we are going to commit to this for life. My concern, though, was when Mary talked about the days happening more and more and happening closer and closer together. I know that I tend to become too accepting of slips and have to figure out - over and over again - where that line needs to be for me.
But I also still believe that we on this forum will have to choose between having "normal" eating and exercise habits and being obese. I think tingirl is right - we each have our own crosses to bear, and I don't think that I am in denial at all when I say that I believe that it's tougher for most of us here to achieve and maintain normal weight than it is for other people. I know that if I ate like my husband, I would undoubtedly gain weight, while he is now losing weight. His current diet consists of four or five full sugar and caffeine sodas per day, he eats large amounts of chips and dip regularly, McDonald's knows him by name, etc. Yet, he's pulled back from the time when he drank a 12-pack or more of sodas per day, etc. I'm happy that it is working for him, but I know if I tried to delude myself into believing that it would work for me, my poor ticker would be reset to the beginning in a matter of weeks. Like you, I crave normalcy so much, but I fear that in this area, it's not within my grasp. When I feel deprived, though, I always conjure that image of Robin eating Kashi cereal when she took her normal-weight daughter to Stone Cold Creamery for ice cream after a day of shopping. She chose to be abnormal in her food patterns in order to gain normalcy in her weight. I believe that I will always be the same way. I need to choose my normal, because as much as I would like to have both my weight and my eating patterns be "normal," I don't see how it's possible. I just hope that I will continue to choose to strive for a normal weight.
I think you're so right, Trazey, about learning to accept a day or two of poor eating as something that will happen if we are going to commit to this for life. My concern, though, was when Mary talked about the days happening more and more and happening closer and closer together. I know that I tend to become too accepting of slips and have to figure out - over and over again - where that line needs to be for me.
That is exactly what I meant..I know an off day or two a month isn't a big deal to me...But I panicked because I realized it was happening every 2-3 DAYS...I can't let myself get comfortable eating that way again....just every now and then for a treat is all I get
I think I got the eating part out of my system...Now I just have to get back to my exercise!
Tales of the Bi-Polar dieter!
: You have to be firm with yourself, Mary. Make the decision about how you chose to eat in your life and don't let anything deter you. Not even your inner voice that lies to you and tells you it's okay this once. Tell yourself to snap out of this pattern. It's not healthy. It's not going to get you where you want to be. Don't let yourself get comfortable with your progress thus far. If you keep relaxing your personal rules like this, you are going to go right back to where you started, and likely more. 
