General chatter - Asked him out-- got shot down. (*RANT

08-09-2007, 04:32 PM
Hi guys-

I'm kinda bummed out right now. There's this guy who I speak with semi-regularly each week because his company does business with ours. We always flirt and such.

So one of the guys I work with knows I like his friend. Today his friend stopped by--- and when he left the guy I work with was like, “way to drop the ball…”.. and he went into some speech about how I should just ask him out if I like him.

I have asked out several guys before (when I was about 50 pounds thinner than I am now) and usually ended up at least going on a date or two. I told the guy I work with that I usually try to get a general sense if someone is interested before I ask them out. He said that I was just playing it safe—and that’s no way to live and such. His speech was motivating.

So I thought, what the heck, and I contacted my crush and asked him out.

He said, “Thanks. You’re very sweet. I am so flattered that you would ask me out. I am sort of seeing someone right now though and I don’t think they would dig it. I appreciate the offer though. Maybe some other time. No worries.”

To me—that seems like a very nice, polite way of saying, “Heck No! Not in a million years.” I dunno, maybe it bothers me more that he said no because of my insecurities. I have not seriously dated someone since I was 18 (I’m 24) Yea.. 6 years!! I went on a couple dates since then (I can count them on one hand) but it never went any farther. I have not really been looking to date anyone and always give myself the, “maybe when I feel better about myself—I wouldn’t wanna date me right now either” kinda speech. But somehow I slowly found myself with a crush on someone.. it was weird. I dunno. I guess I just feel kinda stupid. I went into the bathroom at work and wanted to cry. I looked in the mirror. It’s no wonder he said no. Uh, how depressing.

08-09-2007, 04:42 PM
Kae ~ I think it's great that you contacted him. I know it had to have been tough. I don't see his response the same way you do. I also didn't hear his tone of voice or pattern of speech. Please don't beat yourself up over this...or put yourself down. He's dating someone....would you want to date a man that would cheat on his girlfriend? Or a man that would ditch his girlfriend because another girl asked him out? I know I wouldn't! He's flattered...that good! He didn't say 'No way" He said "Maybe some other time." IMHO..that a good sign. Keep never know when he's gonna be single and since he knows you're interested...maybe he'll ask you out next time!

08-09-2007, 04:44 PM
Kae, at least you took the chance and put yourself out there and asked him out. Otherwise you would have never known if he was available or not and sometimes guys are just not available. It has nothing to do with how much you weigh because I really believe guys don't think about the weight thing as much as us women do and if they do, they're not the kind of guy you want to be with, right. I really think he was being truthful with you so don't get down on yourself. Think of this incident as practice and keep your guy-radar up and don't hesitate to ask the next guy you find attractive out. You'll hit the jackpot before you know it.

08-09-2007, 04:57 PM
Hi Kae !

I give you props for asking him out. I hope this won't stop you from doing it again when you become interested in someone else. It truly sounds to me like he was being honest and is seeing someone. I know how you feel because I always assume when someone looks at me or doesn't look at me - that it is a weight thing but I truly doubt it here. Your avatar shows you to be a beautiful woman and I'm sure he is flattered.

08-09-2007, 04:57 PM
Imagine you had a friend. Thin, blonde, gorgeous, and intelligent but she had a limp.

If she had the same reaction from a guy that you got. Would you tell her (or even think) He was just being nice to you, but your limp made him sick. He thought Heck no, not in a million years would I date a gimp, no matter how gorgeous and smart. Even if you found out that he actually did feel that way, wouldn't you tell your friend it was his loss, not hers.

Well, there you go!

I found and married my husband at my highest weight (and I didn't settle, I got everything I wanted and found important in a mate). He's a big guy himself, so maybe some people look at us and think we're two losers who found each other because we couldn't attract anyone "better," but they would be very wrong. We've both dated people that looked better "on paper," according to society's standards, but only our standards mattered so who cares.

08-09-2007, 05:18 PM
That's awesome that you asked him out! I don't think that you were being shot down at all...especially if he said "maybe some other time". I think that he didn't say yes because he is seeing someone. It is cool that he was so honest about that. It sounded like he was flattered and appreciative of the offer! Hey, maybe he has a single friend...or even better a brother...that he could introduce you to ;)

08-09-2007, 05:24 PM
Kae, good for you for asking him out! That took a lot of courage. I've often said that, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to make the first move. After all, what do you have to lose? And the more times you put yourself out there, the more opportunities you create for yourself to meet someone awesome.

BTW, I met and married my husband when I was overweight. And, my SIL met and married my brother when she was overweight. Yes, men are more geared to visual stimulation (although I appreciate a fine set of muscles myself!), but there are many men out there who will appreciate who you are and your lovely curvy body.

08-09-2007, 06:39 PM
Kae, I agree with everyone. In fact, I few years ago a male friend of mine had just met a girl he had very good feelings about (told me this might be THE one). The next week while at jazz fest in my town, he met another girl, she was very nice and a little aggressive. He was attracted to her (very flattered) and even agreed to go out that week. He called me the next day and told me he didn't know what to do - should he get to know girl 2 in case it did not work out with girl 1 or should he make some terrible excuse and put off the date with girl 2 (just to keep his options open).

I recommended the truth - "although I think you are great, I have met someone and feel I really need to give it a chance." He thought my idea was terrible and that girl 2 would probably take it the wrong way and never want to see him again. He was shocked when she told him that he was exactly the kind of guy she wants to get to know better and to keep her in mind if things do not work out.

If things had not worked out with girl 1 (they are married now), he definitely would have called girl 2. He was absolutely telling the truth when he told her he was flattered but. . . .

You should never be afraid to really participate in life - AND we will all hope he doesn't end up married!!! Let us know what happens - Goldie

08-09-2007, 07:57 PM
Kae you shouldn't down yourself. It took a lot to ask him out. A man normally will only date one woman at a time. He was honest can't ask for more then that. If they don't work out he may come a calling knowing you like him now.

It take more then a nice body to hold a man attention. I'm not saying I don't look but I woundn't bother asking her out either. Just cause they look good on the outside don't mean they are.

His lose not yours.

08-10-2007, 10:27 AM
Thanks guys! I really appreciate everyones' responses.

At first I had been thinking that maybe saying he was sort of seeing someone was a nice way of trying to tell me he wasn't interested. But you guys allowed me to step back and take a look at it again. He is a very nice guy. I should believe what he said to be genuine. I would never want someone to stop dating someone for me-- ya know.

So I went home (before my decision to be to be happy with the situation) and I sat down to watch a semi-depressing chick flick. I laid out a few candy bars in front of me. I made it through the first one...even though it really didn't taste good and I wasn't hungry. Then thought, “What the heck am I doing? I can sit here feeling sorry for myself or I can get off my butt and do something with the rest of my evening.”

It didn’t take more than a few seconds to get up, turn off the movie, and put the chocolate away. I cranked some music and cleaned the house for the rest of the night.

Thanks again guys!

08-10-2007, 04:12 PM
Way to go Kae! I think it took alot of courage to ask him out. And just remember, there are tons and tons of guys out there so don't get stuck on just one :p

08-10-2007, 11:58 PM
Way to go!! I give you credit for just doing that. I freeze up around guys. It doesn't sound to me that he was saying no in a bad way. He did say maybe another time. Maybe, he's a good guy with a gf and that's all. We're so quick to jump to conclusions.